As you might have already heard, Angelina Jolie underwent a double mastectomy to decrease her risk of breast cancer from 87% to under 5%. People have praised her courage for revealing such a personal, deeply serious part of her life in an op-ed piece for the New York Times. Other people, however, have mourned the loss of the only important aspect of Angelina Jolie as an actress, director, mother, wife, and public figure: OMG HER BOOBS R GONE 4EVR.
Yes, there are tweets upon tweets bidding Jolie’s tits goodbye with sadface and single tear emoticons as icing on the douchebag cake. (Ew.) Her breasts were her only real redeeming feature, and they pretty much define her as a person. Without them, she’s just utterly useless, AMIRITE GUYS?
Obviously she’ll never have breasts again. Except that she will because as she fucking says in her article if these losers read it, “Nine weeks later, the final surgery is completed with the reconstruction of the breasts with an implant.”
Obviously we should not read her entire column and assume she just “got implants.” Or we could accuse her of using the whole thing as a cover-up story for getting implants! That sounds fun! Oh, or take one Jezebel commenter’s route and ask the important questions: ““How many guys stopped reading as soon as they realized Angelina Jolie has no breasts—she's dead to me!"
Obviously this whole ordeal makes her less of a woman. Except that she fucking tells us that it doesn’t. “On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.”
Obviously we should all feel so sorry for Brad Pitt. (#poorbrad was used a few times on Twitter since the news.) Except that it’s her body and it makes absolutely no sense to focus on what HE’S going through when she just endured 3 months of surgery and procedures and made one of the hardest decisions of her life. While, might I add, managing to keep it quiet until she had a chance to articulate publically her feelings and advice about this difficult situation for other women out there.
And obviously let’s not forget why we’re focusing on how important her boobs are to begin with. They pretty much WERE her, you know? And we should all take ownership for them and tell them to R.I.P because something truly valuable to us has been so wrongly taken away.
Ugh. Not like we really needed a reminder of how objectified women still are or anything. If Angelina Jolie hadn’t decided to reconstruct her breasts with implants, she would still be just as much of a woman. (Maybe take a hint from breast cancer survivor Jill?)
And now for a fun little list of people I want to throw up on, brought to you by Twitter:
Photo via Mirror