Hoes Got Feelings Too!
Last night I was taking a shower with my long-term fuck buddy and he dropped a bomb on me. Roll this way to hear my tale.
I liked this guy a lot (hence why I keep him around for two years, can that really be how long its been?) but I was totally cool with both of us seeing other people for two reasons:
1. I was not ready for a full time boo
2. He traveled often and for long periods of time and if I am not ready for a boo I am most defiantly not trying to have a long distance boo
He had just gotten out of a real long-term relationship and so it seemed like the perfect set up. We were pretty open about our other trysts. Him, more so then me; I try to only supply info if asked or if it seemed pertinent. He on the other hand would volunteer up this info. I have more then once told him I would rather not know about these girls since I wont get all jelly if I convince myself I am way tighter then any other lady he brings around and he would always rather be hanging out with me if given the choice. I am totally cool with being in the band, I just refuse to play second fiddle, know what I’m saying?
So last night in the shower, why I am brushing my teeth, he casually says that he thinks he is falling in love with this other girl he is seeing. I turned around all frothy mouthed and shocked, ‘are you fucking serious, you’re bringing this up in the shower’. Playa please, you might as well have pulled a Skipper and broke up with me while you were still inside me while talking to Miranda on the phone. (Side note, can I call it a break-up if we weren’t really going out?) He then had the balls to say she said it was fine if he still hooked up with other girls. Ummmm, is this suppose to make me feel better. That is a very far cry from the ideal open relationship I had let myself believe we were in. He was flat out asking me to play second fiddle; I am a motherfucking first chair violinist! Did he expect me to be stoked I was getting charity fucks? I can fill the space you left in my horizontal dance card just fine thank you. Mama don’t need no handouts, if that was the case I would go to the one-night-stand soup kitchen aka Union Pool. So after he makes this totally insulting statement all I can do is repeat, ‘In the shower son? Really?’. I jumped out of the shower and told him he could sleep on the couch and went upstairs to tear up a little. I really did like this guy, but my main issue was with his last sentence. It’s a fact that I have a very active sex life but hoes got feelings too. You may not be able to make a hoe a housewife but that doesn’t mean you can just toss us around like used condoms. Am I right labies?
When I told this story to the office Tara yelled, you should have pooped on him! Looking back I totally should have. She was referencing a time when I had insanely bad cramps and the runs like crazy. I was washing my old boyfriends bacne and thought I was going to fart. Sadly, it was not just a fart. While rubbing his back I tried to push the poo down the drain with my foot while telling him that I loved him between giggles. Of course the jig was up and when he looked down he screamed like a lil’ bitch and fell out of the shower. I should have totally pooped on this dudes feet. You shit on my heart; I shit on your feet. I’m totally going to listen to Ebony Bones ‘Don’t Fart On My Heart’ now.
Am I wrong or is the shower a totally inappropriate place to break this news? Make me feel better ladies, what are some other totally inappropriate ways you’ve been dumped?
Oh god, Callie, never change.
Gather round, cause this is the last time I can tell this story cause my six months after the breakup are up. I went up to see her at her college, the other woman called while we were, ahem, together. The Ex accepts her invite out to a bar, and tells me they’d been dating/sexing each other until about a month before.
And now they’re dating for serious. And I found out on Facebook.
To cheer me up, my hetero life mate and I refer to the Other Woman as Stupid [Censored] Herpes Face. It’s juvenile but cathartic. And er, might have gotten around Park Slope. Oops.
callie, this story is cray.
why it is that dudes are often taking advantage of having a rad-as-hell girl around who is not trying to make shit something it isn’t? I’m chill, but dudes, don’t be weird, emotionally witholding and in the end, mad disrespectful? In the SHOWER?
and on a similar note: I had a recent dude tell me of our consistently casual-but-close relationship, that, though he had never mentioned other girls (even when I asked), I was one of several “friends where the lines were just blurry.” What the fuck does that mean? And one of several? Not on my watch, pal. This is also weeks after he told me we should be full-time boos. If I wanna get laid, I assume go for the strange young buck at the club, not dip into my collection of opposite-gendered “friends”.
lets find new fake boyfriends who have the maturity to refrain from being tacky ass monkeys.
Don’t mean to be insensitive, but it’s an open relationship. The place/timing is inappropriate, yeah, but…
Is your ego seriously that big? First chair violinist? Are you concerned about the way he dumped you here, or the fact that he did dump you? Because I can’t really fault somebody for falling in love.
If you weren’t that serious with the guy, and he maybe was looking for love, are you really that surprised?
Cripes, R, did you miss the bit about making Callie feel better? Wow..
Anywho, I also had a piece of ass fall in love. He too, wanted to retain our fabulous little trysts, but somehow felt he could justifiably tell me all about the MARRIED WOMAN he was in love with, how great it was to be with her (and I do mean BE), and what a divine creation she was. Wait, what? This hooker is married, fooling around on her husband (while trying to start a family), and we’re supposed to put her on a pedestal? Really? Good grief. I hear ya, lady. Fuck him if he can’t take a joke.
I feel you. Somedone broke up with me in a text message. But you know what? You have to have more than one man, cause these men aren’t worth shit individually. They don’t know how to handle it.
seriously he’s a total loser…lets be real, you dont need this disrespect. Clearly you are a woman entirely in charge of your sexuality. Let this one go and have his messed up “love”…you know it wont last, but dont open the door when he comes back.
Hey negative R. nelly,
Don’t we all like to think we should be playing first chair violinist? And I am total peeved because of the how of the break up and the “she said I could still have sex with other people” part. I thought we were on the level where we could talk about that respectfully.
Thank god last night was the debate so I had some comic relief.
Bet you haven’t hear this one before…
‘Sorry but I’ve gone Buddhist’
None the less, that was a very distasteful move of him. BOO!
This made my Friday. It was so funny. Well you know what they say… most girls are training their men for the next woman. It was inappropriate but you are both in a “inappropriate” situation. So all bets are off when it comes to feelings,etc. Trust that he is going to do the SAME thing to the other girl because she allowed what you did. Believed he wanted an open relationship (translation) I’m playing the field until I find someone compatible with my needs that makes me not want to go into the field for a while.
You shouldn’t be upset. He made more room for your next pseudo-boo.
Wow, girl. You found yourself a real douchebag there. In the shower? I mean, come on. Dude could have at least waited for you to put the toothbrush down!
I’ve done the whole sex-with-friends thing and it didn’t turn out so well for me (I was the girl who fell in love with her fuck-buddy. ugh.), but I don’t think this is anything a couple cold Coronas and a hot new piece of ass won’t fix.
You seem completely badass. And I have neverending love for any girl who can openly discuss shitting on a guy’s feet. :)
I’m sorry that happened to you, Ms. Callie. That guy sucks. You’re a pretty lady who is smart, funny and has great style. You can find lots of people who would like to be with you, or just hang out with you in no time. The guy had a right to tell you the truth- but it was the wrong place and the wrong time. You don’t fuck someone and then dump them. That was sooo premeditated. And in the shower! Jesus. I hope you never talk to him again.
Oh man. They dump you, so you take a dump on them! That should be your motto from now on!
I wouldn’t have even let his ass sleep on my couch. (P.S. Seems like he was having “ideal open-relationships” with several upstanding citizens. I wonder whether his new lady love really does know about you. I had a boyfriend/ex-boyfriend play me like that. I still have anxiety dreams over it.)