It seems like only yesterday I was fighting to stay awake till midnight on the last evening of 2011, and now we’re saying good- bye to 2012—which has been a challenging, turbulent, crazy-ass year. Oh well, time waits for no one, not even Roseanne—or you, my friends and BUST readers. Now, if there’s one thing I love, it’s giving people advice. So don’t piss me off—read these suggestions, because they’re for your own good.

KNOW A LITTLE LESS ABOUT MTV’S THE REAL WORLD AND MORE ABOUT THE ACTUAL REAL WORLD

This year, resolve to set aside some time to learn a little more about the world around you and a little less about pop culture, celebrity gossip, and other junk food for the brain. We’re living in critically important times, and it’s sad how many people know more about the romantic misadventures of Hollywood types than they do about what’s going on in our turbulent political reality (and the potentially catastrophic, global economic changes that are happening). Too many of us can name all the Kardashians but not our own state’s two senators. I know sometimes you feel overloaded with weighty issues, especially in an election year, but just remember the old saying: “You may not be interested in poli- tics, but politics is interested in you!” Come on, folks! We espe- cially need young women to develop more political and economic awareness. If that sounds sexist, let me remind you of a sobering fact: out of 100 United States senators, the most powerful legisla- tive body on the planet, only 13 are women. Now who’s sexist?

STOP, UM, LIKE…SPEAKING LIKE THIS

On a lighter note, let’s try to put two sentences together without using the word “like” (and the little pause that always follows it). I wince a little inside when I hear an otherwise-intelligent young person saying, “I’m really trying to, like, find a better job, and my dad’s like, ‘Are you really trying?’ and I’m like, ‘Dad!’” Look, I’m not being ageist here, because I catch myself doing it, too. Sure, it’s part of the spoken culture and all that, but could we all like, try to cut back just a little on the “like” thing? Like, please?

ON WEIGHT LOSS: STFU ALREADY

I resolve (and think you should too) to quit talking about losing weight in 2013. There are two things you can actually do: lose weight or not lose weight. But it’s time to stop talking about it. I once said in my stand-up act, “Half the world is starving; the other half is trying to lose weight,” and it’s the sad truth. Blabbing about weight loss is disrespectful to hungry people. Hell, it’s disrespect- ful to fat people. Do what you’re happy doing—gain weight, lose weight, stay the same weight—but can we stop talking it to death? Enough already with the jabbering about how much you want to lose, or are going to lose, or whatever, and let your actions and your body speak for themselves. Let’s forget skinny, fat, and all of that, and switch to a new mode: healthy and aware.

YOU CAN’T SPELL RESOLUTION WITHOUT “U”

Right about now, you’re probably inundated with talk about reso- lutions. But remember one thing: while the world and our future can seem daunting, and there are moments when it all feels like it’s spinning out of control, you can find yourself a little quiet time in the midst of it all. You may not be able to control the world or even your little corner of it, but you can start from within and re- solve to value and take care of yourself. Then extend that out to the people around you.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best you can. Here’s to fresh starts. Good luck, Earthlings! Be in touch, and let me know how it’s going. And till next time, peace!

Illustration by Christiane Engel

From BUST December/January 2013 Issue

Available for purchase here, or digital download here.