Fake game shows were the name of the, yes, game, on this week’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. For the mini challenge, Ru invented a four-round test of endurance called—wait for it—Beat the Cock. I will render its brilliance in detail for you here so that you may recreate it at home, because you are definitely, definitely going to want to play. The first round was essentially Pin the Tail on the Donkey, only the tail was a paper chicken and the donkey was a giant photo of Ru’s face. For the second round, the ladies had to blow feathers across the room using only their breath. Choke the Rooster, or the third round, involved tossing glittery rings around the neck of a stuffed rooster. And finally, for the championship round, the queens had to wander through a maze of technicolor wigs with raw eggs between their legs until they managed to “lay” three unbroken ones into their baskets. Throughout all of this, Sharon Needles was wearing a presumably ironic McCain/Palin t-shirt, which made the entire experience even more surreal. Phi Phi O’Hara, evil queen extraordinaire, won a phone call home, but sweetly gave it to Chad, who was hoping to call her partner for their anniversary. Everyone was shocked to see this sudden display of niceness from Phi Phi, especially Latrice, who said, “See! You’re not a complete bitch.” We’ll see about that.
The main challenge was, of course, the Snatch Game. For those of you unfamiliar with the Drag Race canon, the Snatch Game is a twist on the old game show Match Game, though here, the only thing that matters is how well you impersonate your chosen celebrity. This is how we learned in season two that Pandora Boxx does a great Carol Channing. If only she could have come back and schooled the current queens on how it’s done, because this year, it was an absolute horror show. Milan, whose makeup somehow made her look cross-eyed, did a terrible Diana Ross that was possibly addicted to crack. Kenya attempted Beyoncé, but made a weird joke about being on medication and mostly just looked she was having a seizure. Phi Phi, who claims she has “been recognized a lot” for her Lady Gaga, took a shot at Mother Monster, but failed to impress anyone other than herself. (Side note: she also chose a look from the “Judas” video, which I mean, come ON. That’s basically the Gaga equivalent of “American Life.”) Jiggly’s Snooki was passable, but she was dead to me as soon as I noticed she’d spelled it “Snookie” on her nametag. But extra points for the blood-red drink (Ron-Ron Juice?) she was chugging from a water bottle.
Chad Michaels won the night (and a custom gown) with her fantastic Cher impression, which involved THREE wigs, including one that was a replica of the famous Bob Mackie headpiece that the real Cher wore to the 1986 Academy Awards. A billion points for that, Chad, but please, don’t ever say, “Everything in my life has been because of Cher” again. Willam came in a close second with her allegedly spot-on Jessica Simpson impression, but it just seemed dated and cruel. The woman runs a billion-dollar clothing line now--she's hardly an idiot. Luckily, Willam quickly squandered all the new goodwill we felt toward her when she began crying on the runway, praising the other competitors and saying she’s never had so many drag queen friends, but then adding, “It sucks to know that one of them is gonna have to go home so I can win.” And just like that, Willam won back the title of Drag Race Maleficent from Phi Phi. Even Ru was pissed. Kenya Michaels (“Impersonating Beyoncé is not your destiny, child”) and Milan (considered too “drag king”) were up for elimination, and had to lip sync to Madonna’s “Vogue.” For a couple of drag queens, they are shockingly bad at voguing. Kenya also appeared not to know any of the words, which makes me think that perhaps she should choose another profession immediately. Kenya goes home, which I am fine with, because I found her awful Beyoncé impression personally offensive. And who in RuPaul’s name would ever hire a drag queen that doesn’t know the words to “Vogue?”
Catch RuPaul's Drag Race Mondays at 9/8c on LogoTV
Photo via EW.com