Girls premiered last night!! So, let’s talk about it, because we're girls! Er, women. Ladies? Oh, for the love of Pete, let’s just stare at Julianna Margulies’s Golden Globes look for at least 30 seconds because it is the best thing.
Feeling better? Me too. Onward!
The sun rises on our four protagonists: Hannah’s comfortably entwined with Adam, Shoshanna’s extracting herself from a random’s bunk bed (don’t miss ya, college!), Marnie’s all knotted up in some Rainbow Brite bedsheets on a couch somewhere in hell, and Jessa’s doing dishes, which is...jarring.
Turns out that Hannah, weirdly enough, seems to actually have her shit together. She’s going to a therapist regularly, seems to be working on a book, and has settled into a comfortable (perhaps co-dependent) relationship with Adam. They have nice, shockingly predictable sex. He makes sure she’s eating enough protein, and taking her pills. She even brings home the bacon, in a sense.
Waaaaaaait! *record scratch* Natalia! She’s back, she's fabulous, and she has the glorious Amy Schumer in tow! They corner Adam and read him to FILTH--and thank goodness, because homeboy needed to be held accountable for the way he treated Natalia last season (slash that quasi-rape scene needed to be addressed, so thank you Lena). She’s not pregnant (anyone else freak the eff out when Schumes dropped that bomb?) but she’s mad as hell, and she isn’t going to take it anymore. Can't argue with that.
The message is lost on Hannah, because dear Ms. Horvath has been overcome by a mean case of Boyfriend Voice. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Adam demands that she never speak of Natalia again. “Baaaaaabyyyyyy,” she coos at her lug of a boyfriend. “I pwomise to stop being grumpy.” She giggles. She whimpers. It haunts me, and not in a fun Beyonce way.
Also, Adam has made it very clear thus far that he’s not interested in being part of Hannah’s female friendships. “I’m not interested in anything they have to say! That’s not the point of friendship!” Hannah exclaims in response. This makes me wonder, in only the most Carrie Bradshaw-ish, gazing-out-of-the-window-in-my-unaffordable-Manhattan-apartment way: Then what is friendship?
Lena Dunham and co. have dealt with Christopher Abbott’s departure as gracefully as possible--more gracefully, indeed, than Marnie. Homegirl is having a rough-a** time: she’s sleeping on her mom’s couch in the ‘burbs, working as a barista at Ray’s coffee shop, and trying to make the best of some horrifyingly stilted dialogue. (What are she and her mom even fighting about? Does anyone care?)
Now more than ever it’s obvious that Marnie doesn’t know how to define herself without Charlie. She’s was either smothered by him or in desperate need of him for the last few years, and now that he’s completely out of the picture, she’s finding it difficult to recalibrate. Her stupid pigtails are back, which is baaaaaasically all you need to know about her mental state.
As Marnie mournfully regurgitates a taco chez Horvath, Adam steps in with some advice gleaned from relationships past:
“I didn’t know her. She didn’t know me. Just because I tasted her cum, or spit, or knew her middle name or a record she liked, that doesn’t mean anything. Anyone can have that. Really knowing someone is something else. It’s a completely different thing. And when it happens you won’t be able to miss it. You will be aware. And you won’t hurt or be afraid.”
Whoa Adam. Whoa.
It’s a battle cry for hurtin’ hearts everywhere, and despite my distaste for 98% of everything that comes out of Adam’s mouth, this feels sweet and raw and real. “She’s my best friend,” he tells Shoshanna in part 2 of the premiere, with the "like, duh" implied. It feels like both he and Hannah are ready to make a real go of it this time, and I still can't tell if I like that or not.
Shoshanna is banging random strangers and studying really hard at the same time. Girl power, I guess! Hannah thinks that this is smart and strong and feminist, which I guess it kind of is? Except Shosh doesn’t think that women shouldn’t be in power because of PMS. WHATEVER. Still love her. Shosh 4ever.
So that’s it, y'all! Tune in next week to see what's next!
Oh, wait. Right. Jessa. Let’s talk about that. The Human Caftan’s been off doing 60 days in rehab in exchange for an all-expenses-paid return to New York--but because she’s an asshole, she can’t simply shut up and keep her head down. “We can’t go around blaming other people for our shit behavior,” she snarls in a group session, which would be a good point I guess, if she weren’t the Queen of Dad You Were Never Around So I’m a Disaster. Check yourself, girl.
Between dodging coffee cups and ruining everyone’s day, she manages to befriend the rehab’s resident Creepy Dad, who constantly compares her to his own daughter and also tries to put the moves on her. Uhm, yuck? Finally, she gets kicked out of rehab for outing--and, bizarrely, going down on--a fellow rehabber (played by the baller Danielle Brooks of Orange is the New Black, in quite possibly the briefest cameo of the 21st century).
You quite literally could not pay me to feel bad for Jessa. Oh, she has the accent “of a little girl who grew up between Heathrow and JFK?" She feels victimized all the time? Hannah once saw her cry in college? Child, please. As Kim Gordon (!!!), playing a recovering meth-head says, “She’s a bitch. That’s my experience.” Yup, yup, and yup.
Any normal person would tell this fool to GTFO, but because Hannah’s on the hunt for new book material, the gang (minus Marnie) has to hop in a car and pick her up from rehab.
Their road trip is a delicious melange of Shosh-isms and Adam’s bizarre/misogynist proclamations on the state of being and womanhood (“Women get caught in this vortex of guilt and jealousy with each other that keep them from seeing situations clearly,” etc.). They collect Jessa--who, it turns out, was completely able to get home on her own --and they kiss and make up or whatever. Fin.
I mean, admittedly it was a little boring--but at least it wasn’t the Sturm und Drang nightmare that was last season. Though it was interesting to deal with the characters’ complexities (Hannah’s OCD, Adam’s drunk darkness, Ray’s crippling insecurity), the giddy, throw-shit-against-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks silliness is what makes Girls special. Fingers crossed it returns.
Photos via popsugar.com and imdb.com