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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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 | Category: life
entry May 25 2009, 09:40 AM
i've taken years to figure out what
method i'd use to kill myself. it may sound funny that it's taken me years, but i think this is the last one. i know how i'll do it. deciding to kill yourself is not something that you do on the spur of the moment, strangely.
it's taken me years
to learn the art of the fade:it's something you plan as the pain inside you grows
and now that i have my method, i can finally find peace.
where my voice sounds
like white out,
all words delete
pain is deaded
my features blur
relationships pixelate
and all that i am dilutes. i understand the people who have killed themselves. this pain...is overwhelming. and i won't be missed, not for long. i will fade, as i've been doing for years, and i can't wait to be free of this life, this pain.
it's my secret power,
a slight of hand,
my jedi mind trick
you don't even know
is working on you.
and even if you did
would you care? and why should anyone care? the world doesn't stop when someone important dies, and it won't stop when i go either. so the method:helium suffocation.
the funniest part is
it takes so little effort disposable helium tanks are easily to find. i'd think that walmart carries them.
to distract you
a bit of misdirection
to edit things out helium, unlike most canned gasses has no oxygen so if inhaled one can breathe, but you suffocate.
and you don't recall it starts with getting high, then dizzyness, disorientation as brain functions shut down.
anything that happened. it's like going to sleep. if i miscalculate i'll end up a vegetable, so win/win.
the plan is to dose myself with liquicaps. when i get sleepy, i put on the gas mask and turn on the gas.
that's it's charm: it's simple. painless, and the parts are easy to obtain.
life's clockwork
gears grind and blind
and you never stop
to look back
and even if you did
would you care?
i can have a tank + gas mask delivered to my apartment, and next time my bones ache, then i'll just fade. this is my last year! yay!

 | Category: life
entry Nov 23 2008, 10:49 AM
a crossdressing friend of mine sent me this from a local craigslist ad:

QUOTE
Where is TS NXXXXXXXX? Sexy dominant black/brazillian - m4t - 40

It has been atleast 2 years now. I used to see this very sexy, tall dominant Tgirl escort.She is a mix of black and Brazillian. We hooked up on a phone chat line initially. She lived in XXXXXXXX in Seattle.She used a few different names but I knew her as NXXXXXXXX. She was truly amazing. Her looks and voice were unbelievably sexy. A true fantasy girl. I have lost her number and I do not see her advertising in any of the escort listings. Anyone have info? Thank you.


i know these things follow you, but when they do it's always like....ugh. it followed me. hmph.

i don't know what is going on, but there is something weird in the air. i like to chalk it up to 2008 and hope this year of hell will slip away quietly. too much bad shit has happened to people i care about...

i had a preminition, as i do sometimes, and as soon as it hit, i thought is mr t or her roomate in the hospital?

i should explain. my preminitions are not visions of what significant thing is going to happen in my life, but rather, a marker of when it is going to happen. something good or bad-- something important will happen within 3 days of them "hitting."

i should backtrack.

because of my hormones, i rarely remember my dreams, most of my preminitions don't come thru either. which is a good thing. before hormones i had 2 kinds of dreams: preminitions, which were just snippets of time on a notable date, (see above) or horrible, bloody, gorey recurring nightmares where everyone i've ever known/cared about his killed slowly in great detail in front of me. the nightmares can be episodic, lasting 2-4 nights in a row, with seamless continuity, or can just be one episode. but they are recurring. so i can dream the same nightmare either 4 nightly episodes, and then it repeats for 4 more nights of hell, or i can dream the single episode again and again for 4 nights.

not fun.

so you can see why i don't miss my dreams or want to remember them. the preminitons are a relief. they are utterly mundane. it's usually a conversation with someone i've not yet met, in a setting i'm not familiar with. so it's not deja vu. i can have the actual dream about what happens months before it hits. but just before it does, it's like the stars are aligning. the "scene" starts to brighten, and i remember exactly what will be said, i notice something, and then it's like a count down when a live show is about to go to air, and things slow just a bit.

5....4....3....2...1...now!

the people deliver their lines on time, and in 5 seconds it's over.

nothing important is ever said that relates to anything (near as i can figure). again. it's just a time marker. something is going to happen.

later that day, i was skating home and tried to avoid a low, not paying attention couple. i tried to swerve around them, but hit the curb, i flew, my wrists catching the brunt of the impact slamming them on the sidewalk.

*more later*

 | Category: life
entry Jul 10 2008, 03:45 PM
dear gt,

you have been batted around quite a bit lately, haven't you? tsk. well that's too bad. but well, crying about it aint gonna get you fuck all, is it? there is a reason that you chose the name girl trouble, and it wasn't because things suck. it was because you wanted to give fair warning to those who wanted to fuck with you, you weren't gonna play nicey-nice. that you were gonna go after shit, that you were gonna fuck shit up. that you weren't gonna be passive. you weren't gonna be defensive. that you'd progressed from being tuff tittys, to a menace. that you were gonna be that person you admired. that you were gonna grow into her. that you'd do what was needed, grit your teeth and beat the hell out of whatever came next. that you could survive anything, cos you've been thru shit storms before and another one? fuck, another one was just breakfast, and lunch is coming quick. you've gone soft. you've let your guard down. it is any wonder that you caught one in your snotbox? that your glass jaw is shattered? fuck you, chica, take your fucking head out of your ass. no more crying, no more whining. let's throw out this hyper-acuity, in favor of they way you used to see things, this shit now? tsk. it's a small thing. it will pass. look further. right now it's strictly chin down, guard up, and look for that chink in the armor. don't just sit there, dumbass, grow into me. it takes guts, it takes passion, it takes strength. and if i didn't think you had it in you, i never would have chosen this path. it was the idea of me that made you pick this life. it is what has always been the thing that made you better. don't forget me. i'm your goal. you are way, way stronger, tougher, brighter that you ever give yourself credit for. it's time to stop beating up on yourself, and start beating up on them.

remember the mottos kitty gave you, back in the days when you were so scared? 'toughen up!' or 'get strong'?



don't be scared. i got a new one for you:

let's fuck 'em up!

with a shit eating grin and faith,
-next year's Trouble

 | Category: life
entry Jun 20 2008, 10:45 PM
got laid off today.


******
a drift


i've felt for so long
like i've been drowning,
not waving.

i've felt
not so far, out to see,
but so far out to sea.

there's nothing out here,
there's no one out here,
out here there's just one thing

left to do,
to give in to the weight,
in my arms and legs.

left to do,
give in to the weight
of my situaton, my life.

left to do,
give in to the ocean
of weariness pulling,

left to do,
give over to the pain
of choices dragging,

left to do,
give in to the knowing
there is no rescue

not for me.
not out here,
with nothing

only a sea of more.
and i look up,
expecting nothing.

you don't end up
in places like this
without jumping...

and you don't go down
in places like this
without it raining

one
last
time


 | Category: life
entry May 14 2008, 06:19 AM
kitty wrote sent me a monkey mail on my bif day it was sweet. i emailed her thanking her for it, and told her that i saw a bunch of girls around town who remined me of her. she always called people who look like someone else 'stunt doubles'.

i am so proud of her, she's training to be a muy thai boxer. which sooooo suits her. she has always been one of the toughest girls i've known, though you'd never know it meeting her since she comes across as she is-- good peeps. but when you'd get her on the set, she'd shine. up here she worked as a film and video producer, which is planning/logistics/working the phone. and where most producers would be just working the phones, kitty would be working with the crew too. hauling dolly tracks, lifting lights moving the set, if it was physical, she'd be in there, mixing it up with the boys.

she's amazing.
anyways, she wrote back this:
QUOTE
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: kitty<kittymail@Xmail.com>
Date: Tue, May 13, 2008 at 9:59 AM
Subject: RE: kitty sent you a Monk-E-Mail!
To: ladyboner@troublemail.com



As long as you remember there is only ONE original when you see all those stunt duuubles walking around town.
ha!

I was thinking of you too...
I'm reading this book called Eat, Pray, Love.
Have you heard of it?
In it, the woman is going through some stuff and trying to find herself ..whatever-somewhat cheesey. But
she's in this Ashram learning meditation and stuff and she's having a hard time concentrating because she's thinking of her ex-bf.(kind of funny)
One of her friends at the Ashram says to get over it and she says...But we were soul mates.
And he says...
Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so that you can change your own life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with your soul mate forever? nah, too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just long enough to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. Though, they're always there.

kind of sweet, no? You smacked me awake to my own potential ...that's for damn sure!

You'll probably...or maybe start getting more muay thai pics pretty soon. Some exciting news...I'm going to start training two more days a week now. So that will make it 5 days a week. It's like I'm on a real fighter schedule. Scary, crazy and ultimate fun! [her trainer] is putting together a private morning class with just four peeps. She asked me to be one of them. ACK! I'm flipping out. I'll be paired with this dude...for obvious reasons. But she said it's time I start training with the boys for real and that I'm probably one of the only girls that is strong enough to hold for him anyways. hee hee. Can you feel my pride spreading when she said that? It's cool because her one on one sessions were so helpful and now I'll be getting that kind of attention two days a week. I'm so excited for it. I swear though, she's riding my ass hard these days. I can't get away with shit ever since I told her I wanted to fight! Yesterday was a hard workout. We were finishing with this killer ab circuit. I was on the second to last exercise and I dropped by legs for a milisecond to catch my breath and she's like....C'MON KITTY, PUSH THROUGH! YOU GOTTA FINISH STRONG!
and I'm like...Bitch! this shit hurts! jk jk jk. Of course, I got my legs up and finished strong but daaaaaaaaaamn.
I like having someone kick my ass like that though. I always knew I had the spirit but it's so helpful to have someone else push you and then it's like I get to prove little victories to myself every time I workout.



it's very, very sweet. i'll always be your biggest fan, you do know that don't you?
i love that you are training with boys, you are such a tough cookie! a "staunch character!" a baddass! but that's what i always loved about you-- you can go toe to toe with anyone on anything. you are more than smart and tough enough, but whats more, when you decide on it-- you've got so much heart-- you are unstoppable. that's why you've always been my hero. a totem-- one of the people who, when i look at myself, i ask myself, WWKD? what would kitty do? and in my head i hear you say, toughen up! and i push thru. obviously my life changed since i met you, but you gave me quite a smack too!

as for my life, work is dumb, they've got me doing everything but welding, and it's heart breaking. but i think, you are getting paid umpteen+ an hour to do busy work, and it's paying for the rest of your electrolysis, so shut up and keep working. eletrolysis is going good. i'm going twice a week, which is pretty pricey, but that hair is slowly going away.

i submitted some of my paintings to a trans art show in sf, and one of them got accepted-- it's a collective that E is involved in. i am debating going down for the opening since tiff said the tickets are cheap and it would cost less than 200 rt.

i have a painting that i am dying to do in my head. it should be cool. black grey and white with a splash of color. it's of the bride of frankenstein-- i'm a bit obsessed. my sketch book has become full of drawings of her. i wrote a new artist statement that goes something like this:
QUOTE
"It has been said that a transexual's story is written on their body. My work is concerned with that idea--- the juxtaposition of body and the word, construction and self-construction, text and subtext. It refocuses W.E.B. DuBois' concept of "twoness" on transgenderism.

The construction is used visually in the meditation on archetypes of pop-culturally constructed women--Galatea, Eliza Doolittle, the Bride of Frankenstein, & the robot Maria from Metropolis--who are the subject of the paintings. The media used is often permanent, bold, solid. Sometimes the pieces are in spray paint, other times drawn in marker that will sometimes eat through other parts of the work.

The self-construction is addressed by the words written on the canvas. They are the subtext of the image, often written in pencil or chalk around the central figure of the piece. They are transitory, evolving, ever-changing, mercurial.

The artwork uses words to define oneself and one's place in the world. The writing is the internal monologue of understanding oneself as one constructs oneself. It is the breaking away of the soul from what one is supposed to be to grow into what one wants to be: the external vs. the internal, the visual (seen) body vs. the soul, heart & brain."


so that's what i wrote anyways. i'm really only drawing the bride, i am sure the others will come into play, but for now she is it. i am thinking i might want to do some model drawing to get some more natural poses, and some variation in the poses.

anywayz i want to do this painting but i can't cos i am trying to get this goddamn loft built in the front area. my neighbor w. said he'd build it for me and had the supplies and everything, but he's flaked for 2 weeks, and now said i should buy the materials. grrrr! it's just pissing me off.

i can't wait till the 'lectrolysis is over. it sucks having facial hair and not shaving, but i have to do it. but i want to start looking for dj gigs again.... oh! one of my neighbors who djs-- there are a couple of them in the bldg-- threw out her mixer as she was moving out and i got it! it's super swank! i kinda wanna get a coffin n turntables so i can tote them to gigs, but i think i should get gigs first. car got towed. i have to get some lic. etc. that i haven't had time for. so i got the car back and can't park on the street or i'll get towed again. seems no matter how much i make, something comes on the scene to mean i owe.

anyways, and that's pretty much it.

i miss you! and as for your doppelgangers, i know the real deal when i see it!


etc.
gt

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