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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Dec 20 2009, 10:10 PM
ugh.

i hate that i am so held hostage by my insecurities. they say that transitioning is like a second adolescence, and it's true. add my issues with abandonment, and well, all i am is weak.

it's a funny thing, i've transitioned to the point that i pass really well, even with my 6'1" frame. i've been ignoring it for some time, but guys are constantly rubbernecking to look at me. when crush girl and i were hanging out, she was constantly pointing it out. but she's not alone, anytime i meet a girl and we start hanging out, she points it out. "did you see that guy checking you out?" nope. really, i had no idea. the first couple of weeks she was incredulous. how can you not notice?!

i can't, don't notice, because i'm more interested in women, firstly, second because for me, the first few years of transitioning are so terribly awkward. you have to get over what has been your greatest fear for most of your life: going out 'in girl mode.' and it's terrifying. especially if you don't have a car. getting on a bus is still a dodgy proposition for me because of the grief some highschool kids gave me early on. white kids just look and whisper. black kids? they call you out. loudly. they want you to hear them talking shit about you. it's worse if you're black too. they take your transitioning personally, as if it reflected badly on them. i used to think it was just the boys, too. but there is a flip that takes place. once you get a bit better at it, the guys quiet down, and the girls call you out. the funniest thing is they all say the same thing too, as if their union prohibited them from ad libing. "that's a man!" every time. if they are really bugged by you, they repeat it, making sure everyone hears.

but they are only the loudest. having to look at people's faces when you come into view can be extremely painful. how can you forget the looks of revulsion? to see people wince, try not to stare, or to look away... it's the same thing they do to the disfigured or handicapped. in a sense, transitioning is a form of social disfigurement or handicap. last year one of my oldest friends fell off the roof of his apartment, and is a quadriplegic. before the accident, we would talk maybe once a year, now, we talk weekly or every other week. it's the freak club.

i was walking crushgirl to her bus stop after a movie, last week, and a guy started hitting on me. she laughed, "you ought to just tell him you've got a dick." "sure, if i want to get beat up." she explained that she was joking, but she's made that joke before, and it's never funny. it's painful. honestly, the thing i hate most about that comment is that it reminds me of something else you try not to look at directly when you are a transexual: the brutal truth. if people know you are transexual, for 90% of the people you know, you are a freak. you are not a woman, you are not a man, you're other. no matter how much you might think otherwise. is it any wonder the thing most trans people want most is to pass? out of one closet, and we'd just die to go back into another.

can you guess what comes in a close second? love. in this fucking lonely life we just want someone to understand, and love us... [le sigh] and it's made all the worse because of family and friends abandonment along the way. my life has been a revolving door, and i can't help but being clingy and insecure....

entry Jun 8 2009, 01:08 PM
letter to a boy who likes transexuals

this is a reply that i sent to someone who, i'll admit i have a crush on. he's a former graff writer, and sk8r, which, is enough to make me commence to drooling. he wrote me talking about how frustrated he was about his attraction to t-girls.

i can understand how your sexuality can be frustrating. but these things, they get worse when you try to go against the grain. the thing to do is to work at accepting yourself, and you desires. right now they are in the fetish stage for you. you crave t girls, but you beat yourself up for it. what you need to do is understand that that attraction is-- or atleast could be-- your normal, and that is a good thing. nature is a complex thing, but as westerners our urge is to put everything in a box, or reduce it to binary, either/or, black and white choices. what we forget, often times is not only are their greys, but millions and billions of hues-- variations on the themes. this world we live in is not simple, it is soooo wonderfully complex. that is not a bad thing, that-- that is a virtue. that is darwin's theory. it wasn't just survival of the fittest, it was variation as survival mechanism. variation of nature's beautiful work, the clockwork that makes this planet and all the creatures on it so fucking amazing!

yet so often, we are myopic, unable to see anything that isn't right in front of us. unable to grasp that bigger picture, that we are all part of this grand, living organism, in all it's different shades. that goes for me altering my body, and following it's lead, and growing in to me and you being attracted to people like me, and growing in that. there is no shame in that. only more beauty. we are only part of this lovely work, you and i, part of the wonders this life has to offer. so there is no point in griping, or beating ourselves up in the garden of earthly delights. no, it is so much better to learn to embrace it, and who we are.

as for me, and being comfortable with my sexuality, that, my friend is a learning process. you have to learn whose opinion matters, and whose doesn't. if it impedes you being happy, that opinion doesn't matter. i'm not saying it's easy, but you have to judge what is important to you. for me learning to be me, and growing comfortable with that is over riding, but one thing that you learn is that if you are comfortable with something it puts other people at ease. if you act like something is normal, others see it as normal. it is the putting of others at ease that is the art of it. i can't say i've got that art down pat, but i'm getting there. it's a learning process.

i think i understand why you are having a hard time with your sexuality tho. masculinity is a very funny thing. it's rules are enforced by peer pressure in many subtle, unconscious ways. your machismo is constantly challenged, what you need to understand is the ways that you are a party to this enforcement in others and yourself.

sorry if i get a little too gender theory heavy here, but i think i get where you are coming from. one of the things that helped me was "making space" for others to break masculine gender rules. so if some guy likes, say, pink, you can tease him about it, but at the end of the conversation, make sure he knows in your eyes it doesn't make him any less of a man, or your friend. in that way you slowly make space for others to do the same for you, and your attraction to t-girls. do you see? you put them at ease, and it lets you be at ease.

while i am here, i should explain something to you: i know that you might think that your attraction to tgirls might make you gay, but personally that never made sense to me. gay boys are not interested in t-girls. they like men. even if they like 'em femme, they don't care for all the "bells and whistles" that come with tgirls or women. you are part of an emerging sexuality-- one that is attracted to the female form but with the commonality of a penis. that is something new. you are a pioneer! unfortunately, that means you may have to explain things to your friends, and maybe lose some of them, and it's a cliche, but they really aren't your friends, because they don't make that space i was talking about earlier, for you to be you. seriously, what is friendship if it's not about making space for each other to be who we truly are?

anyways, i'm gonna climb off of my soap box. because i've given you plenty to chew on.

n

entry Oct 29 2008, 09:14 PM
wow. i thought the ad was stupid and wonky in the regular lounge, but in the blogs it's just obnoxious.

today was a good day.

i got to come back to the welding shop, which was nice, it's not looking like i'm going to be back past friday, but i might be suprized. who knows. but what made the day was walking towards one of the loading doc, and a delivery woman, smiled -- beamed, really-- upon seeing me, and said, "it's a girl! i never see a girl working here in the shop!"

it made my day. as silly as it sounds, it's still shocking to me when i pass. see i started my transition i had a punk rock fuck you kinda attitude. i never thought i'd pass. i didn't really try. i rarely, and still rarely dress up, wear dresses or skirts. sure i love make up, but i never wear foundation. and my skin has hyper pigmentation in the goatee areas. while my face is feminine, i always assume everybody knows, and is just being polite. so for this lady it wasn't a matter of being polite. she didn't know me from er... adam?

and it's not that i'm all gussied up. i'm in a wood and metal shop, fer chrissakes, fabricating museum displays.

here is my usual outfit, which i was wearing today:
workboots or sneakers
shapeless, almost oompa loompa-esque oversized overalls,
a thick, oversized hoodie underneath,
head scarf
ski cap

so it wasn't that i was wearing a skirt and heels. it wasn't that my hair or wig was all fancified. it wasn't. i was half covered in millscale dust. my skin probably looked slightly greyed.

it's a girl!

why yes, it is!

biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

but now i'm thinking, since i will be back on the unemployment roles on monday, that perhaps i ought to go back to dispatching, since i found an ad for a good paying position doing hvac work.

which might be the right ticket. since the grinding i spent all day doing hurt my elbow and the wrist that i shattered a few years ago.

as much as i like all the learning i'm doing, and the physical work, i think it might be time to jump ship. which sucks. it's been just over a year since i went to welding school.

*sigh*

but i do like the idea of getting the hang of business casual, and learning that girly girl thing. as well as finishing all of that transition stuff.

fingers officaly crossed.




entry Jul 23 2008, 01:27 AM
so i'm looking at pictures of raquel welch for my latest series of paintings on "contructed women" so naturally myra breckinridge is on the list. i've always had the hots for her, and well who wouldn't? but looking at these picures, another thought seems to surface:

i wanna live in a city with big hair. big, huge, ginormous, planet sized hair. there's always been a part of me who wishes i'd been born in the time of monster wigs, you know, the early to mid 60's. my favorite singers, style wise are bobby gentry and dusty springfield. perhaps it's that practically stillborn drag queen who lived in those few brief months i was on the circuit, the remains of dq-itis. instead i'm trapped. suffocating in a city where anymore eye make up than mascara is a sin, and you're likely to be pushed in front of a bus for donning more than lip gloss. *sigh* and what am i to do about my eyebrow fetish? daddy (mr.t to you) teases me about my latest eyebrow scheme-- i've shaved my eyebrows at their apex, out, so from the insides of my eyes to my pupils are still there, but the rest i draw on, so on days when i am feeling exotic i draw them on like the bride of frankenstein (what she calls my 'tuvok' eyebrows, geekily referring to the vulcan on some star track show), on days when i feel dramatic i square the apex off, and when i am feeling more subtle, i'll draw them rounded off. it really was just taking my eyebrow fixation to the logical conclusion. i used to change their shape every 2 or 3 weeks, and well that is simply not enough! now it is every 1-2 days! viva le brows!

*shaking my head*
god have mercy on my ever lovin' loopy brainsis...

entry Jun 5 2008, 07:01 PM
do i have the best...

wait. it's like gaydar but for trannys...


anyways, i heard a radio program about 'microspotting' a blog about microsoft employees, and their non-work life, and the woman who does it was talking about a goth co-worker. i was hoping that she was EGL (elegant gothic lolita-- a japanese goth subculture), and i immediately find a tgirl.

i don't even have to try...

she sounds pretty cool...

megan pix
microspotting

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