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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Jul 12 2007, 12:20 AM
today was crazy day... i decided to redo my altar above my bed. i wish i had a pic of it, i'm quite proud of it-- my studio came with a murphy bed, you know the kind that folds up in the wall. well i never really put it up, so it was empty space for years. but i did this painting of a cartoon ts girl wearing a hood with horns on it. it's not scary at all, not like it sounds, but it was a my way of encouraging myself-- it has the names of a lot of my female and transgendered heroines, as well as the upside-down crossed out names of a lot of the fucked up doctors and writers who stigmatized people like me. its style is similar to basquiat, a major infuence at the time. i took a bunch of chinese prayer paper and wheat paste/wall papered the interior space, then hung a red light from the top of the space, as well as a black light, hooked it up with a speaker from my stereo, and then put a little table in it. and soon it was covered with roses and my altar. i collect madonnas, or any female bust, i have a few of them, most scattered around my place. about 7 go on the altar, the biggest of which is in the center on a bamboo tray covered with flower lais, just beneath the painting. to her right and left are two sets of electric candles, a large and a small one on each side, several trinkets, symbols and pictures. there are different flowers that i put on there as well as a wine glass that i fill when giving offerings/prayers. behind her is a semi circle of black feathers, and behind that another semi circle of peacock feathers. she holds in her hands a glow in the dark rosary beads. for my birthday daddy got me a medium sized (8") bronze statue of shiva (god of contradictions and paradox) as ardhanari-- the god who is half woman. s/he is in front of the big bust about 10 inches. this bamboo tray is on a metal first aid case full of personal momentos. under that is a gold cloth table cloth..the end result is that the altar sort of looks like its floating.

i took it all apart today to rearrange it. i opened up one of the first aid kits, and.... it was full of old momentos. i'm the super sentemental type, and if i ever dated a girl and she happened to jot me a note-- bet dollars to donuts i still have it. i don't hesitate to say when i met kitty, it was love at first site-- i know it was. i remember writing down her name on a piece of paper walking home from meeting her, and i still have the paper to prove it. i knew i was on to a good thing...

in the box was the pictures i'd been looking for. of my 3 major girlfriends. it's so funny... looking at them i wondered what my life would be like if i was still with them. would i have transitioned? it's different with kitty-- i did transition while i was dating her. but what about a? or c?

looking back i can't say as i was the best boyfriend. i tried, but i realize now what an asshole i was. more than anything i cheated. i was a late bloomer, and in highschool, a drama nerd. it wasn't till i moved to sf before i had a serious relationship, and soon after i discovered that with a little work women were attracted to me, and well, i went simple. i needed to grow up....c looked a bit more sullen in the pix than i remember. in my memory, she looks like liz taylor in her 20's, but with a hair style like morticia. jet black, bangs in the front and long in the back. my memory wasn't far from the truth. there are some pix i took after we got in some argument, and she was crying. i swear, she looked so angelic when she cried-- it was so rare, but i just wanted to kiss her all over when she cried. she was goth, i loved that she never wore anything but black. she talked with this great smart ass sarcasm, and had a cornish rex (you know, the hairless cats) named kirkigard. or relationship ran it's course. in all honesty i think she was just bored with me... then there was a. it was so good to see her pix. god, she was so beautiful. i still have a huge crush on her. she was an older graduate student, fluent in french, and looked the part. i met her at a halloween party. my friends called her 'tiny triangles' because of the eyeliner that she wore in the corners of her eyes. it was one of the things that attracted me to her, and while i do my eyeliner differently, it was something i borrowed from her. i loved her cheeks, a crooked tooth, and dyed black hair, always piled on top of her head slopily, bangs in her eyes. oh, and that she was pigeon toed. she was great. she was the first person, the first girlfriend that i confided in about what i said was my crossdressing. i want to say that i wasn't lying, but i knew i was trans in junior high. i think i was being hopeful. here was the perfect girl for me.... why would i ever want to think it wouldn't last because i needed to transition....i wanted her to be my salvation, to save me from myself. of course that's too much for anyone. transitoning is difficult business. i never really believed anyone could love me because i was trans, and i pushed her away. i don't even think that i was aware of it. somewhere along the line i decided that she couldn't handle going thru all of that with me. i don't know for sure she couldn't have, and part of me feels guilty for not giving her the option. i broke up with her, and never explained why. now more than anything, i miss her friendship. screwed that up. we don't even talk, but i think that was a choice she made too. she jettisoned some of her other friends...she was becoming a high school teacher when we broke up. i knew one of her coworkers was crushed out on her, and i thought they'd probably date afterwards... and they did. i was happy about it. they were on the same path. i didn't know where the hell i was going. just that i had to the thing i was most afraid of....

there were some pix of me and a, and me and c. it had been so long since i had seen pix of that man. i wish i could say he looked sad, but i didn't. i looked in love. in each of the pix, i was looking at my gf at the time, so happy to be with them. when i fall, i fall pretty heavy, and you can see it in my face. there are some days i wish i could go back to being him. usually the reason is the same: i meet or see some girl that i get a instant crush on, and i wonder what i would do if i was still a boy. i wonder if i would be asking her on a date, if i would be in love and finding a life with her.

ugh. my life is full of second guessing. i doubt every tiny little choice, every little fucking fork in the road. even with kitty proving me so very wrong, i still have the hardest time believing anyone could love me. hell, i have a hard time loving me. then again, i am easily my worst critic. sometimes i think i'm traveling backwards. i was full of such bravado when i first transitioned. scared shitless, but brave. i remember kitty and i crying ourselves asleep at night. we were both so afraid of the future. we didn't know what we were in for.... now i just feel weary. the welding program is over and i realize that it is going to be a bitch to get a job welding for me. no one wants to give me a chance...it's so much different in the abstract than it is in real life, in your face. now i cry because i know exactly what i'm in for. and i haven't the shelter of kitty. she always knew what to say, but since we broke up, since she moved away, i feel alone. even with daddy. i just feel so fragile lately. so vulnerable. looking back i see so much that i've lost. the funny thing is it's not something that i think i really ever had. i'm tempted to make an offering to the god/dess on my altar, but i think, that's just one more thing i've lost faith in....


entry Jul 10 2007, 12:26 AM
the last couple of weeks have been a bit weird, but then, all my weeks are weird. welding class is offically done, and now comes the time to look for work... and i am scared shitless. there is so much that pushes me to be brave-- to work beyond what terrifies me, and i put on a brave face most of the time, but sometimes i can't. it's beyond me.

daddy was nice enough to ask me to go to portland with her. she needed to get her dreads redone, and with nothing but bills staring me in the face, if you asked me to go to the 7th circle of hell i'd have asked when the next flight was leaving.

i'm not the best traveling companion. i'm not. i used to be, but this life for me has been one of collapse. my world has shrunk. i am ruled by fear. in some ways this is nothing new, back when i was a boy i would have bouts of agoraphobia-- i never really noticed it until i got a place of my own. roomates always kept thoughts of transitioning and externalizing my body issues at bay. but once i lived alone, i had to face my shit. i felt so fraudulant walking outside dressed in boy clothes. when i had roomates, my vintage 3 piece suits and dreads were my armor, my refuge, but adrift on my own, i felt as if it were a huge lie. i knew internally the path for me, and it haunted me...i was afraid someone would discover my secret. i was paralyzed by the thought.

i remember i used to love traveling-- i was tall enough to be intimidating, even though i was thin as a rail. the dreadlocks added an air of mystery, and well, i am black, and no matter how kind, polite, articulate or whatever adjective you use, that card turns away a lot of fucked up shit. now something as small as just going to the restroom is an ordeal, and i suppose if you aren't trans, you might not understand, but it is still one of the few places where there is sex segregation. anywhere else there is enough to distract people from me, or rules of politeness might keep them from saying or doing anything-- the bathroom that is the place were i'd be most likely to get stares, those whispers that eat self-esteem in gulps. that is where i am most vulernable. the most fragile. it is also the least avoidable place no matter where you go....

i wonder if it's just me, although i know it's not. i've heard transmen talk about this too, and i'd say 95% of transmen pass. it's just instinctual. no matter how many complements people give me, or innocuous questions that would clue me in that i'm probably passing, like people asking me how tall i am, and taking about female relatives who are my height or taller, alleviate my anxiety. i daydream of walking carelessly into a bathroom, not caring, not worried for a second. but that seems impossible.... when i think about this, and other similar, innocuous fears, i feel handicaped. crippled by my rational irrationality.

i understand so much about being handycapped, i think, even though i am able-bodied. i understand the sting when you look at someone and they nervously look away, unsure how to cope with my difference, overwhelmed by the guilt of a lingering glance. i know that dis-ease. i used to get it when i was a boy and i would see someone who was trans. perhaps for me it was because i knew that i was trans too, but hidden in my armor of shame....

but i was talking about travel. i used to be the best person to travel with, i loved looking for the hidden places, the nooks and crannies of any city. endlessly exploring them. but my mind travels back to the last time i was in portland with my daddy-- back then she was just my girlfriend, who wanted a romantic weekend, and my phobias got the best of me. i spent the entire time in a very pricey bed and breakfast crying. overwhelmed by even the smallest walk to the corner. i put on a brave face by the last day and found my fears were unfounded, but the walls come crashing down at a moment's notice, and i am reduced to little more than a puddle.

this time i was some what prepared, tho. i had been learning how to 'work my weave', practicing retro hairstyles for one of my drag mom's weddings. i had figured out how to look cute with a minimal ammount of fuss and muss, and the sheen of confidance of having to face people everyday at welding school, still reinforced my posture. i could still put on that mask, that got me thru those fears.

it also helped that my daddy and i have been kind of 'honeymooning'. falling for each other again. this time a bit wiser for wear. already knowing the other's flaws. our daddy/daughter relationship helped too. if i was afraid of doing something, if my fear got the best of me, she could always tell me that she would never let anything happen to me and that i should do it for her, and i would bite my lip and do it. i think she is just sort of figuring all of this out, of course, but she has a lot of power over me, and she is just starting to explore it.

down in portland we had a ball, and her hairdresser remarked that we seemed like we were on the same page, not like the last time we were down, the year earlier.

this time we met a couple down there for coffee, mostly out of my urging. i figured i could use the self esteem boost while i was in the area. they are a bdsm, femme domme couple, a and b. to be more exact, she, a, is the domme, he, alias b, the sub. i have the utmost in respect for them, although i have never seen them play. i don't really need to. the person that i know who is probably one of the top 5 heavy duty masochist subs in seattle says that that b is way more hardcore than he is. which says a helluva lot. ....and b has i HUGE crush on me. i suppose some day i would love to spend a week with them just learning how to do half the things that a does to b, i have a feeling he would be so much fun to play with. i do miss my domme side, and my friend assures me, there are crazy things he would be happy to do for me. i don't think i could really stick with lots of blood play, but it would be nice to try my hand at it. you never know what kink will catch fire next, do you?
i have to laugh that i'm talking so casually about blood play, after saying going to pee is scary. lol.... it's like everything is backwords. i know that some of these things freak people out, but i just shrug...am i a hot mess or what?

after coffee, driving out of town, daddy was talking about how b was lusting after me while we talked and ate. she said anytime i'd ask b a question, he'd get all shy. it was very cute. it's so nice dealing with people you know from the outset are kinky-- and that they love trans stuff? mmm. even better. perhaps that's why i feel more comfortable in a bdsm/queer arena. that is a space where i am the normal, and buffy and biff are the freak....

my daddy relationship is growing more comfortable to me. although, i know daddy doesn't want to live it 24/7, for right now, i crave that. that pull to subspace is so strong. it's a different kind of protection, i don't need an armor, i give my fears, my trouble to daddy. it's a heavy weight. she is sweet to carry it for me for even an instant. although, on occasion, like seeing b, i miss my badass sexy, smirky domina self. i miss that command. its that armor again, but this time it's my interior that's girded. you command respect from the inside. all my insecurities vanish, or maybe i'm strong enough to ignore them on my own. its nice to feel so strong, and see that strength reflected in how people see you. like when b would look at me. or at a... defering constantly, like i am with my daddy. he is everything, like a is to b. and i love that too. how can you not love someone who talks about you like a goddess? that was one of the things that first attracted me to my daddy. back when we were just dating. long before she grew into my daddy, before our break up. the first time we had sex, she was so reverent-- i was her goddess. it felt so good. but i think we both wanted it too much. i really needed to be pushed off my pillar. i needed her to know how flawed i was, and still want me. i needed her to see me for who i was.
.
i suppose it's the polar opposite of how most people see me, they see only the exterior. we stopped at a touristy beach town on the way back. daddy wanted to do the the bumpercars, and see the sights, but i couldn't. i wasn't up to it. the very homogenetity-- if there is such a word--- was suffocating. i felt like i was being looked at cross-eyed constantly. it was, i was. overwhelmed. its that sense of being judged without depth. like my family, like my church. like my mom.

i've been reading this book, drag king dreams, it's by leslie feinberg, who wrote what is the best fiction book about transexuals, stone butch blues. it's kind of funny , but reading his books always deepens my understanding about what this life means, what it is about. he doesn't really offer many answers, only more questions, but that is what this life is, a bunch of unfolding questions. but i think, being a f2m, a transman, he understands that fear. the main charecter, max, is almost nocturnal, not wanting to be seen during the day. it's so funny that being trans comes down to sight, or seeing. at one point he writes about a slightly different kind of seeing, the kind, which, to me is at the heart of love. seeing that person not just warts and all, but their essence, the person they are beyond their body, their pretentions, their facade, to that soul. and he does it so elequently.

love, it's said, is risk. it's even more so with transpeople, there is risk for partners of transfolk, who have to deal with the stigma every bit as much as the person who is differently gendered, but also it's effect, it's opression on them, their fears that they must deal with. my daddy told me that she understood now, why i couldn't always do everything she wanted to. she said she wanted me to get beyond it eventually, but for now she wouldn't push. instead, of idealizing me, she saw me clearly, flawed, afraid, disabled.

entry Jul 6 2007, 02:15 AM
if the military we're talking about is the one in thailand, who has just put forward a new constitution that protects the rights of the transgendered... although they are stressing that it wouldn't condone "homosexual union" hmph. maybe they are only 2% less evil. ! link-a-liciousness !
thailand has been considered pretty liberal in this respect, but of course, there is always a (christian inspired) backlash, but much of this new additon, the idea that trans rights ought to be included has to do with the denial of a ts to get into a nightclub, specifically because she is a ts....atleast they are reacting in the right way. not like the folks here in the "land of the free(market)."

now let's see if it passes...

i dunno. it makes me kind of cranky if anything. i've hit a proverbial wall looking for work as a welder. yeah, i should have seen it coming, but i fall in love with an idea (like skateboarding) and i want to do it, ignoring the hurdles until i fall down and skin my knee. i guess it's just this: isn't my being human enough to ensure me of rights in the year 2007? instead, me being free of discrimination is called a "special right." that needs to be voted on, that my right to love is something to be determined by consensus.

if this is free, why do i feel short changed?

entry Jun 26 2007, 11:57 PM
more on the futa fan site:
QUOTE
Comment a:
[...]I'm not going to mince words. I'm a flat out freak. I've done so many perverted things for the sake of masturbation that it's not even funny. Anal play, auto fellatio, swallowing my own cum, urethral play and even peeing all over myself. In comparison, a little gay sex isn't so bad. To this day, I refer to myself as bi-curious, since I know I'm more attracted to women than men, though I admit I'm attracted to the penis. I don't say this to everyone, since it's not anyone's business anyway.

So where the hell am I going with this? Well, it's a little unfair to expect everyone to be so open about their sexuality (I'm friends with a lesbian, though she's much braver than I could be). Society sucks ass and it pressures us to pretend to be one thing, while demeaning our hidden desires that no one would want to hear. If most people that knew me even realized half the stuff I said here, they'd suggest to send me to psychotherapy again. We all have levels of insecurities and some of us are more secure than others. I'm not saying it excuses slanted views like Dan Savages - which is some of the biggest bull I've ever heard - but I can understand some reluctance. When the slightest mention of subtle homoerotica in heterosexual porn scares many self-described straight men, it's understandable. When many southern baptists look at gays as people worse than child murderers, it's understandable. When a college student said with total honesty that black men on the down low are the most despicable scum on the earth (though I'd rather omit race from this discussion, it's a seedy topic in the black community that I hear it way too often), then it's no surprise why some people hide in the closet. For god's sake, when one user in a message board gets slandered for his shemale porn collection on his desktop, it shows how ridiculous homophobia's gotten in this country.

Well at the very least, you don't get punished for it here like in other countries.


comment b:
Id like to state my opinion on the subject of "love" since it has been brought up a few times now.
(And donīt forget: Itīs my opinion, I donīt command you to accept it. ;)Wink )

It has been said, that love has little or even nothing to do with sex/gender. I strongly disagree.
If the above was true, then we would all the time hear guys say: "Oh, I have fallen in love with that man, but I canīt start a relationship with him because Iīm straight." And the reverse. People generally fall in love with the gender they prefer sexually. Exceptions only prove that. Otherwise they wouldnīt be exceptions.

People probably experience love in different ways. To some, it might not be as distinct as to me so I will try to loosely define the symptoms of love so it is clear what I mean.
In my experience, "true love" is not liking someone a lot. Liking someone very much is often called love because there is no separate word for it. I love my brother for example, but Iīm not in love with him. I have fallen in love often enough now to be able to distinguish the feeling. Love, to me, is when you think of somebody all the time. When you canīt stop looking at that person. When you have daydreams about that person. Your heart starts beating faster when you are near that person. Sometimes you are not even entirely sure, why you love that person but you would do anything to be with them. I never felt this way about a man and Iīm sure most straight men never have.

So I stick to my point that the gender you have ever fallen in "real love" with shows your sexual orientation.

Beside that point: No, I think the thought of being gay is not scary and it should not be. I have a few gay friends and colleagues and they are as human as everybody else. (Duh. Rolling Eyes ) But thatīs the sort of thread you have to expect on a futanari-board and I think you could have expressed your opinion a little more diplomatic, girl trouble. wink.gif


me and my big mouth comment:

yeah. i could have. but i didn't. i'm sure i came across as a super bitch. *shrugs* and i'm cool with that. it's not that there is a single person on these boards i don't like-- i think you're all a pretty damn cool lot, but on this topic i can only be diplomatic for so long. i'm sorry,i hear "oh, i might suffer stigma for being attracted to futa/t-girls." and it doesn't get that far with me, and my feeling is stop fucking carping and grow some stones. man up for fucksake!

do you think you can tell me that any stigma you might feel can hold a candle to the day i first walked out of my house dressed as a girl? do you think you have had to deal with a bit of what most t-girls have had to consistantly? and lord knows, i sympathize with those who had conservative up bringing-- i was expected to be a minister. my mom and grandfather were ordaned ministers. the church i grew up in was the first black church in the north half of the state, and my family founded it. conservative? yeah. i know that path. i have lost pretty much all of my family, no, i HAVE lost all of my family because they don't get it. they are probably praying as we speak for my damned soul. and i am supposed to shed a tear of pity cos what your friends might say? i can't do it. and it's not that i don't get it, believe me i do, i just think things need to be put in perspective.

lets say you admit you are attracted to some tranny you saw on maury, or the web, and maybe you get teased about it. or maybe your friends agree. they've seen some hot trannies too. whatever. but does it keep you from getting an apartment? a job? do people you don't know feel the need to talk shit about you cos the sight of you freaks them out? i think not. see, i can't feel sorry for about that. on the scale of things those fears? sooooooo light weight. in the next month i am trying to get into the boilermakers union. a old school hardcore union. one of my female friends who is doing this with me called them up and they are harrassing her, now, can you imagine what they will do to me? with my male birth certificate? with the letter m still on my driver's licence? if they even do let me in i'm in for hell. and i know that, but i persist, because i don't believe what other people say should stop me.

now: about your theory of love [c.....], again, my issue is that it returns to this regressive idea that sexuality is binary. it's not. that gender is binary. it's not. and while you may argue that my points are too avant garde, the point is you know that i speak the truth.

the reason this is important is that when we hide the truth, when we don't speak our truth, we are all the poorer for it. it is realizing that our experiences are not so strange. that our desires are not so different. it is finding that being comfortable with who you are is not only incredibly liberating, it liberates those around you.

that said, staying in that closet, silencing yourself, condemns not just you, but those around you too. i have a personal motto: be your own hero. i think you can figure out what that means.

but back to this thing of desire vs. love, since that was the direction we were heading. my objection, the one following the first, is a question: do you have the cahones to pursue that desire? lets say you met a t-girl, or in some strange world a futa. if you aren't up to even admit your attraction, can you ever be open to something more? it's easy to say that, well i've ever been gay because i've never fallen in love with a man...plenty of gay men do it. there are married men who slink into porno shops late at night and will do anything for a dick in their mouth, who will go to all the city parks and cruse right along with the out of the closets, and they have never fallen in love. and they never admit their attraction. do you think they are doing themselves any favors? do you think they will fall in love? yet, it is what they do. homosexuality isn't just what you do, it's what you desire. in that same way, attraction to futa-- trans women-- is no different. it's your sexuality. and there shouldn't be any shame in saying, i'm attracted to the female form. i love gg, and i have seen some ts girls that are pretty hot. not interested in guys, but more power to those who are. what is so hard about that?

entry Jun 25 2007, 11:11 PM
mood: crazy mad.gif sexy ohmy.gif cool cool.gif

so, i post on another site-- it's a futa fan site. for those not hip to this, futa is short for futanari, a japanese word for manga and anime cartoon women, who, well, lets say they are transgendered. to be more exact they are both, an imaginary female with both primary sex organs, a vajayjay and a penis. all though the definition changes depending on who you ask, that's the basics of it. some like futa with balls, with/without a vajayjay (usually westerners), while others prefer the traditional without balls, just a vajayjay and a dick where the clit would be. being transwoman i would think that the cross over is pretty obvious. anyways. i am bi, with a preference for women, and androgeny, so do futa get me hot, uh, oh my yes.

so on this particular forum there has been a debate, or discussion about whether liking futa makes you gay. one of the goddamn stupidest conversations known to man. not that i think anyone on that board is an idiot, i just think the premise is stupid, or more precisely: soooo 20th century.

anyone who is paying attention (and it would seem that very few people are), has become familiar with the current theory that neither sexuality or gender are a binary, either/or proposition-- there is more than just gay and straight, just as there is so much more than male and female. that is, after all, the subtext to all this "metrosexuality" bullshit, as well as feminism-- the confines of strict gender roles are suffocating us, so these little hiccups, or burps, or speedbumps or whatever you want to call them, are pressure release valves. ways that society redefines sex and sexuality so those that were anomolies are incorperated. i risk stating the obvious when i say that trans folk are on the outside edge of this redefinition. in many ways societies are still trying to figure out what the hell to do with people like me. (and i dare say, i don't help much by not sticking to femme gender roles by skateboarding and learning to weld.) it's not just 'white' or western societies, but asian, arabic and african ones too.

but back to this site and this discussion. i have said my piece in a few of the threads, but only made a turse, rather bitchy comment on this one, but a reply using a snippet from dan savage was enough to make me lose it. here is that post and my reply. i should say that i did not
ask the poster for permission to post it here. i figure it is public space, and their tag/handle/name/alias is not used. as implied, this was not the first reply to the topic, this was after


QUOTE
THEM:

I recently read an excellent description of "Non-Gay Futa Lovers" by Dan Savage. It refers to "she-males", but applies here too.

"Here's what's up with straight guys into she-males: Some straight guys like dick--I mean, they really like dick. They like dick so much that they want to play with dicks other than their own. But they're straight guys, so they don't want to play with some other dude's dick. They want to play with a dick that's attached to someone who in every other respect looks like a hot woman.... So is your husband gay? No. Gay men like dick to be attached to men, not women.... You see, very few straight guys into she-males are into them exclusively. They just want to mess around with a she-male, once or twice, now and then, so they can play with another dick. (Didja catch that? I wrote, "another dick," not, "another man's dick." He wants to play with a woman's dick. Cuz he's straight--see how that works?)"

Unfortunately, try to explain this to anyone with "normal" sexual values (i.e. someone not open to anything different) and it just won't wash.



ME:

meh. my problem with that argument (and not dan savage, that would take up a whole year of bitching and let me assure you, dude is a self rightious prick of the highest (or lowest depending) order.) is he looks at attraction to trans people not as a desire/sexuality in it's own right-- which it is, despite all of the chicken shit little fucks running around scared of their own sexuality-- but a novelty. this is the same asshole who, for years claimed there was no such thing as bisexual. to him, and said chickenshit guys, on this board and elsewhere, -- people like me are little more than sexdolls to be toyed with and tossed in the corner when that novelty has worn off.

if you said that about any woman you'd be called on your shit-- you'd be a misogynistic fuckstain. but because i am strong enough in who i am to know who i am internally and to transform myself into the person i know myself to be, then i am just a trifle? am i not entitled to be thought of as a human being?

at least have the balls to own your own sexuality. really. is it the worst thing in the world to be gay? some of you run from it like it's the same as being called a molester. i'm not saying that you are gay, like i said i think the desire for t-girls, futa what have you is something different that hetero or homosexuality, but is it that scary to be gay? it's not as if in this country you can't do almost anything and be gay, unlike being trans-- because of all this stupid fucking fear. please. do you really think you bear the brunt of this? child, let me tell you you don't. you're just a bunch of whiny bitches.

i'm sorry, XXXX and the other admin, but i have to call a spade a spade.

that's exactly why i don't do one night stands. guys act like they have so much to lose if they were open about their desires. but what would you lose? trust me when i say i have lost more than you ever will-- to be me-- to be free, while you worry your pretty little head trying to figure out if you are gay or not. please. i refuse to be your plaything if you can't own your desires. me and girls like me have done all the hard work, take all the shit for you to jerk off and hide.

grow up and grow some balls.


so, again, stating the obvious, this line of discussion really chaps my hide. and i am sure i come across as a bitch. i guess i'm ok with that. it crops up anywhere where people are curious about transmen or women, and it bugs me. i suppose it shouldn't. society and it's ideas change very slowly. and really, mine is the first post-stonewall generation. and even the stonewall generation tried to erase the contribution of my sisters, saying it wasn't trannies who started the stonewall riot, knowing full well that it was. it's always easier to erase or omit things or people who cause you shame. transexual history is all about that erasure. that surgical removal of parts contaning our bodies.

how funny i would write this after pride week here in the wetlands. it's not that i planed this, but yet here i am, lamenting how little progress there is when it comes to equality for trans people. i know, i know it shouldn't suprize me. even now, i am partly in the closet, partly invisible, when what i am advocating is to be open, to be honest, to be out about who one is. not that i tried to hide it, it's just in this macho environment is it really the best thing to have discussions on what transexuality means? meh. perhaps it is. but i have much more to lose than some asshole looking at a website.

i think about the author of that book on transmen who turned out ot be one of my teachers. and this last half year has been the first i've ever been even somewhat closeted. he's known walking that tight rope longer than i. i saw him the other day and he whispered that he went to the school library and found his book there, which he seemed ammused by. i would have thought he would have been a bit more unnerved by it, but maybe he's made his peace with the idea that people can know his (open)"secret." at first i think i was disappointed that he wasn't out, but like me, he is only human. he has to look out for himself and his wife. he has to live. but i think the thing that is going to change things for trans people is being out. but how can i expect anyone to do something i wouldn't myself. granted, i suppose i could pat myself on the back for the 10+ years that i did come out, but then, as i've said, i've already lost so much.

over the weekend my ex and i were watching a program, i think it was on the queer cable station, logo, called "the agressives" which was about kids (17-20 something) who are somewhere on that gendercontinum but aren't exactly butches, who call themselves agressives. they were all born female, and some of them thought of themselves as butch, some did not, some thought themselves trans, while others didn't some even thought of themselves as femme-agressive. one girl (how she identified herself) was a model, and talked about how she was NOT a butch. one of them talked about how she saw herself as trans, but a dyke, AND prefered dating transwomen and having "straight sex." there were so many twists in that last sentance that by the time she got to saying "straight sex" i haddnt the foggiest idea what that meant, exactly.... and that to me is beautiful. when i was working as a councilor for trans, and questioning youth, that was the thing i was so envious of of the kids coming up. the narrow little corridors of identification-- of declaring who they were were, who they could and would love would be blown wide open... hopefully. don't get me wrong. i was so glad to have that transexual label growing up, to know who and what i was, but it was only a short time before that became stiffling. i was, a trans woman, a t-girl, a tranny, a shemale, a trans-dyke, a t-dyke, a girl to my daddy, i was queer, i was transgendered, transexual, transcendant, i was finally me.

my ex and i have a strange relationship-- but then that comes with dating me i suppose. she's my daddy. it started off as a bdsm daddy daughter relationship, which may sound odd, me being born a genetic boy, her a genetic girl, but i see it more as an ability to see beyond those physical shells we inhabit to the real person. she is my daddy-- and i'm her babygirl. i affirm her masculinity, clear eyed, i love and worship it, and she sees my femininity, nourishes it, and gives me space to be my most private space, safely as i do for her. as weird as that sounds it's actually very heathy, very nurturing. even more strange, inspite of how it sounds there isn't any age play involved. it's not about how old i am its about how we relate to each other.

inside of that, we have talked about gender, and surgeries, with a wonderful honesty. i've told her that i've fantasized about getting a futa operation, if there was such a thing. i like having a penis, but i do so like the idea of having a vajayjay too. to me, i've always walked that line. in the middle, that space between, and to have both would be just a physical reflection of who i am. she has talked about sorting thru her being trans, and going back and forth on if she wants to get the top surgery. she, like me, is a walking contradiction. she is so butch that her gay co-workers would swear she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. she's butch, but loves having a bright red pedicure. and she knows more about gay men's culture than most gay men, but she's dating me, sort of. as i say, it's strange. but the beautiful thing is those places inbetween, where possiblities bloom.

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