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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Jul 12 2007, 12:20 AM
today was crazy day... i decided to redo my altar above my bed. i wish i had a pic of it, i'm quite proud of it-- my studio came with a murphy bed, you know the kind that folds up in the wall. well i never really put it up, so it was empty space for years. but i did this painting of a cartoon ts girl wearing a hood with horns on it. it's not scary at all, not like it sounds, but it was a my way of encouraging myself-- it has the names of a lot of my female and transgendered heroines, as well as the upside-down crossed out names of a lot of the fucked up doctors and writers who stigmatized people like me. its style is similar to basquiat, a major infuence at the time. i took a bunch of chinese prayer paper and wheat paste/wall papered the interior space, then hung a red light from the top of the space, as well as a black light, hooked it up with a speaker from my stereo, and then put a little table in it. and soon it was covered with roses and my altar. i collect madonnas, or any female bust, i have a few of them, most scattered around my place. about 7 go on the altar, the biggest of which is in the center on a bamboo tray covered with flower lais, just beneath the painting. to her right and left are two sets of electric candles, a large and a small one on each side, several trinkets, symbols and pictures. there are different flowers that i put on there as well as a wine glass that i fill when giving offerings/prayers. behind her is a semi circle of black feathers, and behind that another semi circle of peacock feathers. she holds in her hands a glow in the dark rosary beads. for my birthday daddy got me a medium sized (8") bronze statue of shiva (god of contradictions and paradox) as ardhanari-- the god who is half woman. s/he is in front of the big bust about 10 inches. this bamboo tray is on a metal first aid case full of personal momentos. under that is a gold cloth table cloth..the end result is that the altar sort of looks like its floating.

i took it all apart today to rearrange it. i opened up one of the first aid kits, and.... it was full of old momentos. i'm the super sentemental type, and if i ever dated a girl and she happened to jot me a note-- bet dollars to donuts i still have it. i don't hesitate to say when i met kitty, it was love at first site-- i know it was. i remember writing down her name on a piece of paper walking home from meeting her, and i still have the paper to prove it. i knew i was on to a good thing...

in the box was the pictures i'd been looking for. of my 3 major girlfriends. it's so funny... looking at them i wondered what my life would be like if i was still with them. would i have transitioned? it's different with kitty-- i did transition while i was dating her. but what about a? or c?

looking back i can't say as i was the best boyfriend. i tried, but i realize now what an asshole i was. more than anything i cheated. i was a late bloomer, and in highschool, a drama nerd. it wasn't till i moved to sf before i had a serious relationship, and soon after i discovered that with a little work women were attracted to me, and well, i went simple. i needed to grow up....c looked a bit more sullen in the pix than i remember. in my memory, she looks like liz taylor in her 20's, but with a hair style like morticia. jet black, bangs in the front and long in the back. my memory wasn't far from the truth. there are some pix i took after we got in some argument, and she was crying. i swear, she looked so angelic when she cried-- it was so rare, but i just wanted to kiss her all over when she cried. she was goth, i loved that she never wore anything but black. she talked with this great smart ass sarcasm, and had a cornish rex (you know, the hairless cats) named kirkigard. or relationship ran it's course. in all honesty i think she was just bored with me... then there was a. it was so good to see her pix. god, she was so beautiful. i still have a huge crush on her. she was an older graduate student, fluent in french, and looked the part. i met her at a halloween party. my friends called her 'tiny triangles' because of the eyeliner that she wore in the corners of her eyes. it was one of the things that attracted me to her, and while i do my eyeliner differently, it was something i borrowed from her. i loved her cheeks, a crooked tooth, and dyed black hair, always piled on top of her head slopily, bangs in her eyes. oh, and that she was pigeon toed. she was great. she was the first person, the first girlfriend that i confided in about what i said was my crossdressing. i want to say that i wasn't lying, but i knew i was trans in junior high. i think i was being hopeful. here was the perfect girl for me.... why would i ever want to think it wouldn't last because i needed to transition....i wanted her to be my salvation, to save me from myself. of course that's too much for anyone. transitoning is difficult business. i never really believed anyone could love me because i was trans, and i pushed her away. i don't even think that i was aware of it. somewhere along the line i decided that she couldn't handle going thru all of that with me. i don't know for sure she couldn't have, and part of me feels guilty for not giving her the option. i broke up with her, and never explained why. now more than anything, i miss her friendship. screwed that up. we don't even talk, but i think that was a choice she made too. she jettisoned some of her other friends...she was becoming a high school teacher when we broke up. i knew one of her coworkers was crushed out on her, and i thought they'd probably date afterwards... and they did. i was happy about it. they were on the same path. i didn't know where the hell i was going. just that i had to the thing i was most afraid of....

there were some pix of me and a, and me and c. it had been so long since i had seen pix of that man. i wish i could say he looked sad, but i didn't. i looked in love. in each of the pix, i was looking at my gf at the time, so happy to be with them. when i fall, i fall pretty heavy, and you can see it in my face. there are some days i wish i could go back to being him. usually the reason is the same: i meet or see some girl that i get a instant crush on, and i wonder what i would do if i was still a boy. i wonder if i would be asking her on a date, if i would be in love and finding a life with her.

ugh. my life is full of second guessing. i doubt every tiny little choice, every little fucking fork in the road. even with kitty proving me so very wrong, i still have the hardest time believing anyone could love me. hell, i have a hard time loving me. then again, i am easily my worst critic. sometimes i think i'm traveling backwards. i was full of such bravado when i first transitioned. scared shitless, but brave. i remember kitty and i crying ourselves asleep at night. we were both so afraid of the future. we didn't know what we were in for.... now i just feel weary. the welding program is over and i realize that it is going to be a bitch to get a job welding for me. no one wants to give me a chance...it's so much different in the abstract than it is in real life, in your face. now i cry because i know exactly what i'm in for. and i haven't the shelter of kitty. she always knew what to say, but since we broke up, since she moved away, i feel alone. even with daddy. i just feel so fragile lately. so vulnerable. looking back i see so much that i've lost. the funny thing is it's not something that i think i really ever had. i'm tempted to make an offering to the god/dess on my altar, but i think, that's just one more thing i've lost faith in....


 
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