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About Me....
 um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.  my new {wo([manifest]o)} Last entries
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do i have the best... wait. it's like gaydar but for trannys... anyways, i heard a radio program about 'microspotting' a blog about microsoft employees, and their non-work life, and the woman who does it was talking about a goth co-worker. i was hoping that she was EGL (elegant gothic lolita-- a japanese goth subculture), and i immediately find a tgirl. i don't even have to try... she sounds pretty cool... megan pix microspotting
a lot of people wonder about transitioning, and while i made the leap to full time a long time ago, there are little things that you learn that make a huge difference. most of the time it's just things that you notice-- like women tend to tilt their head when they talk, the way they move their hands, or this trick that i'd forgotten-- putting your shoulders down and back. guys push their shoulders forward and out to make them look wider. since i'm used to holding them like that, pulling them back and down, pushing my chest up and forward makes them smaller, my neck longer, and more feminine. it's hard work, almost like exersize. but it makes a huge difference in perception believe it or not. a lot of times passing is more a matter of those little subliminal things, the accumulation of which is the difference between getting clocked or not. and since i'm 6' 1" every little bit helps. i called in sick today. i love welding, but i have a headache, and i really need to do some cleaning. my place is getting unbearable. the loft is built, and i really like it. it's in the worst place in my apt-- there is a resturaunt vent near it on the roof, so when it's on there is a vibration. i hope that when i buy a new mattress and put it up there it doesn't give me vertigo. i went up there and took a nap last night and it was nice, if a little...lol...womblike. so i'm sitting here posting and "grilled" is on comedy central. it's some ray ramano comedy, i've seen it plenty of times, i can't help it. i suppose it's my own personal kind of masochism. or possibly some sort of fucked up gaydar for trans jokes in films. every film i end up seeing, unless it's a period piece, ends up having some sort of slight against trans people. even iron man, has a little dig at transwomen in it. but let's talk about the case at hand. one of the main charecters in it loridonna, played by Sofía Vergara. now if you've seen sofia, she is the picture of a latin beauty in that same way as cathrerine zeta jones....well, if she were latin (she's welsh, but i digress), in the movie, she is a bombshell, her hair is done in a slightly retro 40's style, and she wears a very 40's ish dress with short dolman sleeves. she's meant to be the quintessentual woman, so much so, she seduces the happily married man. the movie is shot in a way to make her the object of every guy's lust, until, that is, and i am sure you know where this is headed, it is revealed she was once a he. and ofcourse, once this is revealed, it is the ultimate anti-viagra. infact before it is revealed, sofia and ray are kissing, but the telling kills all of that. now i don't want to make out like this is the meanest movie ever. other than the fact that she's practically unloveable, she's still seen sympahetically. as much as she can be. after the reveal scene (where she sits, thighs open wide, elbows on knees, as masculine as possible), she goes back to being that bombshell. at one point ray asks if there is something "weird" between her legs and her story of the operation is rather gentle:"they just made my outtie and innie." when asked if she's ok with the operation, she replies, "ecstatic."
kitty wrote sent me a monkey mail on my bif day it was sweet. i emailed her thanking her for it, and told her that i saw a bunch of girls around town who remined me of her. she always called people who look like someone else 'stunt doubles'. i am so proud of her, she's training to be a muy thai boxer. which sooooo suits her. she has always been one of the toughest girls i've known, though you'd never know it meeting her since she comes across as she is-- good peeps. but when you'd get her on the set, she'd shine. up here she worked as a film and video producer, which is planning/logistics/working the phone. and where most producers would be just working the phones, kitty would be working with the crew too. hauling dolly tracks, lifting lights moving the set, if it was physical, she'd be in there, mixing it up with the boys. she's amazing. anyways, she wrote back this: QUOTE ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: kitty<kittymail@Xmail.com> Date: Tue, May 13, 2008 at 9:59 AM Subject: RE: kitty sent you a Monk-E-Mail! To: ladyboner@troublemail.com As long as you remember there is only ONE original when you see all those stunt duuubles walking around town. ha! I was thinking of you too... I'm reading this book called Eat, Pray, Love. Have you heard of it? In it, the woman is going through some stuff and trying to find herself ..whatever-somewhat cheesey. But she's in this Ashram learning meditation and stuff and she's having a hard time concentrating because she's thinking of her ex-bf.(kind of funny) One of her friends at the Ashram says to get over it and she says...But we were soul mates. And he says... Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so that you can change your own life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with your soul mate forever? nah, too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just long enough to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. Though, they're always there. kind of sweet, no? You smacked me awake to my own potential ...that's for damn sure! You'll probably...or maybe start getting more muay thai pics pretty soon. Some exciting news...I'm going to start training two more days a week now. So that will make it 5 days a week. It's like I'm on a real fighter schedule. Scary, crazy and ultimate fun! [her trainer] is putting together a private morning class with just four peeps. She asked me to be one of them. ACK! I'm flipping out. I'll be paired with this dude...for obvious reasons. But she said it's time I start training with the boys for real and that I'm probably one of the only girls that is strong enough to hold for him anyways. hee hee. Can you feel my pride spreading when she said that? It's cool because her one on one sessions were so helpful and now I'll be getting that kind of attention two days a week. I'm so excited for it. I swear though, she's riding my ass hard these days. I can't get away with shit ever since I told her I wanted to fight! Yesterday was a hard workout. We were finishing with this killer ab circuit. I was on the second to last exercise and I dropped by legs for a milisecond to catch my breath and she's like....C'MON KITTY, PUSH THROUGH! YOU GOTTA FINISH STRONG! and I'm like...Bitch! this shit hurts! jk jk jk. Of course, I got my legs up and finished strong but daaaaaaaaaamn. I like having someone kick my ass like that though. I always knew I had the spirit but it's so helpful to have someone else push you and then it's like I get to prove little victories to myself every time I workout. it's very, very sweet. i'll always be your biggest fan, you do know that don't you? i love that you are training with boys, you are such a tough cookie! a "staunch character!" a baddass! but that's what i always loved about you-- you can go toe to toe with anyone on anything. you are more than smart and tough enough, but whats more, when you decide on it-- you've got so much heart-- you are unstoppable. that's why you've always been my hero. a totem-- one of the people who, when i look at myself, i ask myself, WWKD? what would kitty do? and in my head i hear you say, toughen up! and i push thru. obviously my life changed since i met you, but you gave me quite a smack too! as for my life, work is dumb, they've got me doing everything but welding, and it's heart breaking. but i think, you are getting paid umpteen+ an hour to do busy work, and it's paying for the rest of your electrolysis, so shut up and keep working. eletrolysis is going good. i'm going twice a week, which is pretty pricey, but that hair is slowly going away. i submitted some of my paintings to a trans art show in sf, and one of them got accepted-- it's a collective that E is involved in. i am debating going down for the opening since tiff said the tickets are cheap and it would cost less than 200 rt. i have a painting that i am dying to do in my head. it should be cool. black grey and white with a splash of color. it's of the bride of frankenstein-- i'm a bit obsessed. my sketch book has become full of drawings of her. i wrote a new artist statement that goes something like this: QUOTE "It has been said that a transexual's story is written on their body. My work is concerned with that idea--- the juxtaposition of body and the word, construction and self-construction, text and subtext. It refocuses W.E.B. DuBois' concept of "twoness" on transgenderism. The construction is used visually in the meditation on archetypes of pop-culturally constructed women--Galatea, Eliza Doolittle, the Bride of Frankenstein, & the robot Maria from Metropolis--who are the subject of the paintings. The media used is often permanent, bold, solid. Sometimes the pieces are in spray paint, other times drawn in marker that will sometimes eat through other parts of the work. The self-construction is addressed by the words written on the canvas. They are the subtext of the image, often written in pencil or chalk around the central figure of the piece. They are transitory, evolving, ever-changing, mercurial. The artwork uses words to define oneself and one's place in the world. The writing is the internal monologue of understanding oneself as one constructs oneself. It is the breaking away of the soul from what one is supposed to be to grow into what one wants to be: the external vs. the internal, the visual (seen) body vs. the soul, heart & brain." so that's what i wrote anyways. i'm really only drawing the bride, i am sure the others will come into play, but for now she is it. i am thinking i might want to do some model drawing to get some more natural poses, and some variation in the poses. anywayz i want to do this painting but i can't cos i am trying to get this goddamn loft built in the front area. my neighbor w. said he'd build it for me and had the supplies and everything, but he's flaked for 2 weeks, and now said i should buy the materials. grrrr! it's just pissing me off. i can't wait till the 'lectrolysis is over. it sucks having facial hair and not shaving, but i have to do it. but i want to start looking for dj gigs again.... oh! one of my neighbors who djs-- there are a couple of them in the bldg-- threw out her mixer as she was moving out and i got it! it's super swank! i kinda wanna get a coffin n turntables so i can tote them to gigs, but i think i should get gigs first. car got towed. i have to get some lic. etc. that i haven't had time for. so i got the car back and can't park on the street or i'll get towed again. seems no matter how much i make, something comes on the scene to mean i owe. anyways, and that's pretty much it. i miss you! and as for your doppelgangers, i know the real deal when i see it! etc. gt
so my car got stolen or towed or something. i'm not quite sure. didn't really have time to find out. i went to work and took no lunch because i have an electrolysis appt. took liquicaps to take away the pain, and came home and passed out. at least it didn't happen on my birthday. speaking of which, my mom sent me a card and a package. here is a post i put on the lounge's letters you will never send thread: QUOTE hey mom, got the card you sent today. and the package is still at the post office. part of me wants to send them back crossing out the "carlos" part of it. i'd bet you can't even remember my name anymore. ha. s'not like you ever bothered to learn it. hell, i'd bet you never said it once. when i told you what i'd changed my name to, i doubt you even listened. so like you, pretend the problem doesn't exist. what did you tell car? oh, your brother's into "weird stuff." lol... i guess i can be sure you don't talk behind my back. part of me honestly wants to hurt you. part of me wants to ignore your up coming birthday. more than likely i will. why should i give you the time of day, when you never bothered to listen, you never bothered to know me. you wanted your son back, and you know, i couldn't blame you for that, but after the first 7 years i waited for you to figure out he wasn't coming back, i just felt-- feel like, fuck you. seriously. it didn't help that you bullshitted me. saying you'd come to visit me, but putting the date off for 3 mos, while i waited. and like before i just held on like a sucker. the last year or two that i've stopped talking to you have been hard, but it's been easily one of the best decisions i've ever made. i needed to cut that cord, and i'm getting my electrolysis finished, and by this time next year i'll have gotten a boob job. then maybe i'll talk to you. once carlos is gone forever. i don't know why i waited so long for you to take your head out of your ass. no, that's not true. i know why i waited. because i loved you, because i thought you were better than you are. because i wanted to maintain a relationship with you. you know if i have one real regret, it would be that i wasted so much time on you. not just that 7 years after i transitioned, but all that time in highschool. after university. i wanted your approval for so many things. i was such a fool to think you could handle this. i think i'll open your letter, but i'm still not talking to you. not till next year. then i'll call you, and say, hey mom, your very own son's never coming back. and if he did he'd say one thing to you. FUCK YOU. so i opened the card. she asked for forgiveness. i don't think i'll contact her anyways. last time i talked to her i told her i didn't want to talk to her till she realised that her son wasn't coming back, and she was ready to accept me as i am, but she continued to send me things, and email me. but the fact of the matter is that what i said was true. not talking to her has allowed me to grow in ways i never could while i was waiting for her to figure things out. nows my chance to grow into me, and i'm not giving that up for nothin'. on a side note, ER had an episode with a transwoman whose parents didn't know, and that she didn't talk to. in hindsight, i think that might have been a better choice for me. but what can i do now? the electrolysis went well, S said that my hair is already thining. i think the twice a week for 2 hours was a good idea. god i can't wait. seriously. i am hoping 2 months will be enough for my whole face. the boobs thing may take more time, but i am glad that i am finally coming together. the work situation is better than i thought, but it still sucks to go to work with a few days growth. on the upside, S said that hair that is too long makes it more difficult, so 4 days growth seems to be the optimum. so there i do get a day of being clean shaven once a week, but my face is fucked up with my skin pushing out the hair and the folicle so it's almost blistery, or it's a bit scabby. so it's not like i get off scott free. as much as that weird glitch in my head-- the one where i see that boy when i look in the mirror-- has resurfaced, there are times when i see me clearly. it's at those times i chomp at the bit. i want to hurry things. it's always nice to love what-- and who-- you see in the mirror. now it's just a matter of waiting. a matter of when.
sometimes i'm amazed at what is "dog whistle politics." you know, those words or phrases that some people get, and others have no clue about-- i watch msnbc when i wake up, and they were talking about obama doing that "brushing off the dust" from his shoulder. one said, "that makes him seem aloof!" joe scarboro said "we don't know what that move is..." and me? i'm thinking, wow. y'all are really, really white. or old. or the only people who don't get it. or all of the above. and while you hardly need to know, that that move was being done when kids were doing a dance called "the prep" when i was in jr high, or that it is just another expression of pride in the hip-hop set following just after "popping your collar," it doesn't take some sort of cultural interpeter to know it's a non-verbal way of saying "whatever." after all, the audience got it, as barack did it, the audience went nuts.
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interests: sk8 boarding with a long board, skateboard drifting street art/stickers/graff/stencils art/television/radio/magazines/ (video)gaming thriftin' and liftin' asian cinema- particularlly korean films, movies from the 60's + 70's, screwball comedies of the 30s-40's, german expresionist film, horror and film noir, neo-noir, sci-fi particularly dystopias, self-reflexive film. film theory. almost any genre of musics, particularly soul, r&b, jazz, blues, old, new and true school hip-hop, jump blues, jazz vocals, "incredibly strange music", "golden throats", odd covers, asian underground, cock rock, hair metal, j and k pop and hop, the "countrypolian" sound, rockabilly, surf, soundtracks and theme songs, swing, big band, lounge, tradional ez listening, bossa-nova, international pop. subcultural histories. asian subcultures, american subcultures, historical tangents, politics, gender theory, queer theory, feminism, feminist theory, feminist film theory, transgendered issues. and welding! yay for OAW!!!! blog categories: music film politics art etc las hormones y vida travisti all categories Search My Blog
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Jun 5 2008, 07:01 PM