[katiebelle2882]

this is dumb, but when i was younger i used to get so excited about our family vacations that i would want them to happen right away, bc i would be terrified that something horrible would happen and we wouldnt be able to go on it.

[maddy29]

pepper you got it exactly right: "once you make a decision and are there emotionally and mentally it can be really challenging to live physically in the old situation. "

that is exactly what it is. this feels like the "old" life, and i'm ready for the "new" life....or something like that

he doesn't want to move in with me and my two roommates, mostly because i don't have parking and it's further from his work, so his commute would really suck a lot-plus he'd get a lot of tickets and stuff....i'd be happy to move into his place but it's tiny and has one bathroom, and he already has two roommates that are always around....

i think you're right though, spring will be here and then we can be looking for a place, which will be fun...i just gotta get through the winter!

about the sadness-yeah, i'm trying to practice being with this sadness, it's SOOO deep and feels never-ending, and right now i'm working on not pushing it away, but just learning how to feel it without freaking out. so there's definitley work to be done...grrr. (i'm workign on cutting waaay back on my crazy weed smoking, and feelings are definitely coming up that i usually smoke away).

part of me just can't believe this is real, and that it's actually happening to me. i lived sooo much of my life in daydreams and fantasies, and this is just a total shock to me. to have something real happen that's so good, just seems odd....maybe part of me is scared to wait? like i just want to move in NOW so i can feel secure? hmm, i don't know.

thank you all so much! i felt dumb putting this on here but i knew that i needed to get it out of my head.

katie that did make sense

i think you guys are right about there being more to the sadness then just missing him....i dunno, maybe i should head over the the survivor thread.

the alone feeling-it's like, even though i'm not alone and really never have been (supportive family and sister, some close friends that stuck by me), it's still just this core feeling i have...

oh ya know! part of this sadness is being away from my entire family for the past 7 years. i fled michigan to get away from the chaos that ensued after i revealed the incest. i REALLY miss my family, in a really deep way that i can feel all the way to the bottom of my feet. even though they drive me nuts, i miss them, and i miss being there for all of the occasions. my boy wants to move back to the midwest with me in a couple of years, which is soooo amazing to me! i had this huge flip out this summer while on vacation at my family's beach place, cause i just did NOT want to come back to boston.

wow, this is being so dang helpful. thanks tons

[katiebelle2882]

Maddy,

I think you have been through some serious things in your life that makes comparing or asking that question hard to answer. Meaning, what is normal for one person is not normal for another, esp given your survivor history. I don't think anyone can tell how past events can manifest themselves in the present. Which clearly could account for how you don't want to be alone, and how you are sad. Methinks its not just about the mister. Pepper is right about taking a closer look at the sadness. Maybe use the time to realize that you aren't actually alone. Does that make sense at all? Clearly he loves and cares for you and of course it's normal to want to be with someone you love. Thats not weird at all.

I am not sure any of that made sense but I tried.

edit-I was going to point that out GGG its a MAJOR difference.

[girlygirlgag]

3 months and two and a half years are quite different. In 3 months, you don't even know the person, hence the chance of disaster ensuing, is much greater.

[pepper]

is it possible for him to move into your place temoprarily (i mean until your lease is up)? it might mean putting some of your collective stuff into storage so you'll both fit but... it could work?
i think it's fine that you feel the way you do. once you make a decision and are there emotionally and mentally it can be really challenging to live physically in the old situation. it's not really the best fit to be one place in your mind and heart and another in your body.
that said, i do think that the sadness is a message to you to maybe take a look at those feelings on a deeper level. maybe this time until you move in together could be an opportunity to do some healing work with yourself. it sounds to me like there is some hurt stuck there that needs releasing and now, in a secure postion with yourself and a partner might be an ideal time to love yourself through that deep examination.
whatever you decide, summer will be here sooner than you think. your time will be full of packing, apartment hunting and making plans, maybe even a yard sale before you go. good luck, and congrats!

[maddy29]

tee hee y'all know what i meant by that!

lol-i guess when i said normal i meant like, am i crazy? i know he feels really sad when he leaves too.

i never do spontaneous things-i've never gotten out of a lease or subletted, i always finish it out...i guess i feel like i'm being twitty about it-like my friend who dated this guy for 3 months then broke her lease, moved in with him and his buddies-just not a well thought out decision. i don't want to be like that. god i'm such a nerd!

my roommates are cool, and i know it'd be ok if i had to find a subletter to take over the rest of my lease. one of my roommates might actually be doing that for the summer...

hmmmmmmm

[girlygirlgag]

Try to find a sublet, or negotiate out of your lease.

It is normal. I think. I was the same way. I think I am normal?

[katiebelle2882]

hahaha established board members. good point.

[maddy29]

is this normal? i've been with my man for about 2.5 years, and we are very happily in love. we decided to move in together, which is awesome. i'm super duper happy about it-we both had said that we wouldn't move in together until we were just dying to move in.....and now we both are. so, it's really great, right?

ok, so my lease doesn't end until july 31st of 2007. i don't think i can wait that long! whenever he drops me off at my house or we say goodbye i just feel really sad and want to cry. when i get home to my house at the end of the day and go to sleep i'm really sad he isn't there. is that weird, or normal? i feel clingy and codependent-y. i just feel like omg, i can't believe i don't have to spend my whole life alone. and i just want to not be alone. i was for soooo long, and i still feel kind of alone still (when i say alone, i don't mean "single" exactly, i mean like ALONE, sad, lonely, feeling no one understands me, etc)

i'm really happy about our relationship and about moving in together. but i just don't know how long i can wait! i'm generaly really practical about stuff like this, i mean my lease is up next summer so rationally i should just stay put until then, when we can get a place together. but the thought of having to wait until next august to be with him is agony.

any thoughts? from established board members ?

[nickclick]

yah, hope everyone agrees when i say we like constructive criticism around here....

pink, also coming from a relationship with a depressed unmotivated partner, i quickly found that offering and going to counseling with him was helpful in getting him there.

[girlygirlgag]

Jaysus lady, sounds like you popped up just to mess with Pepper. Pepper and I don't always see eye to eye, but being blatantly disrespectful, is not "calling it like it is", it is just being a mean, bitch.

Seriously, way to make friends and influence people

[POfeminist]

Here we go again pepper. Why are you so whiny all of the time?

Karma, it is a bad situation you are in. However, why is what your therapist said innapropriate? Because it is something you don't want to hear?

He is correct in saying that the more you pressure someone, the more they will resist. Also, if they do cave, they will end up resenting you. You are still young in terms of the having a kid thing. However, if getting married and having children is what you want, then you need to find someone else with similar goals. You owe that to yourself.

[pepper]

quoting POfeminist: {You are only 28. Get a freaking grip. Your boyfriend is going to go running in the opposite direction cause you are whining about getting married and having kids and hes not ready. Just find someone new if he doesnt share your goals. Jids fuck up your life, its obvious he needs time to do his own thing.}

hmm, looks like i spoke too soon in that other thread about giving you a chance to have some civil, honest dialogue here 'cause there you go proving that you are, indeed, a troll. onto ignore you go.

[POfeminist]

You are only 28. Get a freaking grip. Your boyfriend is going to go running in the opposite direction cause you are whining about getting married and having kids and hes not ready. Just find someone new if he doesnt share your goals. Jids fuck up your life, its obvious he needs time to do his own thing.

[karma77]

Post deleted.

[grenadine]

((karma)) and ((pinkmartyr))

hi all, just popping in after a long, dingo-inpired hiatus. pinkmartyr, i don't know where you live, but in my town the university offers counseling from its master's students (doing practicum, so about to have degrees and be much more expensive) for $15 a session. my (then-unemployed) husband and i went when we were first married and thought our counselor was pretty good - so you might want to check in w/your local uni. there are also various free support groups, peer counseling, etc. that might be helpful for him - getting help doesn't have to cost money.

[pinkmartyr]

Karma, I am in a similar situation, with a few differences.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We've been living together for the past 6 months, and are getting married in April. He proposed about a year ago.
I have a degree and am happily employed in my field. I make enought money to support myself, to do fun things, and to prepare for raising a child. I have health insurance, life insurance, AFLAC, and the like.
He works as a kitchen manager. He makes $10/hr, and his boss has been promising salary- but since August. He had another appointment to discuss the salary last monday, but the boss made up an excuse not to show, so essentially, the boss is dodging him. We also work opposite hours- I am a teacher, but he works in the evening/nights, and doesn't get home til 8pm, 10pm, or 12am, depending. So we don't have a lot of time together because he's busy with work. On his days off, he often has to go in for meetings or to place the food order at the restaurant. In short, he is not happy with his job or his hours.
We haven't had sex in about a month. Everytime I try to initiate sex, he says no, because he just got home from work and wants to relax, or in the morning, because he wants to sleep longer. Last night I was really fed up and we had a talk about it- he says he's just upset with so many parts of his life- his job, not seeing me or his friends because of work, money issues, gaining weight since quitting smoking, etc. He says that his feelings about me have not changed.
He is making progress, but really slowly. He is investigating two new jobs, and has officially applied for one of them. It is a shipyard apprentice program where he'd be paid hourly and earn a 2 yr. degree while getting on the job training. The hours are also really good. Another thing might be computer certifications.
I want to have kids soon. I'm 28, he's 26. He says that we really shouldn't have them til he has better hours and more money for us. Its frustrating to have worked so hard to get where I am, but to know that I still have to wait.
I think part of the problem is that he's depressed. I've had that problem in the past, and I know the feeling of not having the motivation to make your life better. I think he ought to talk to a counselor, or a career counselor, or even that WE should talk to a couples counselor. He doesn't have insurance, though, so counseling just for him is out. He is open and willing to the idea, though. I think that times like this are inevitable for any relationship, married or not, and I also know how we handle it could make or break it. I'm trying to think of how I can be helpful or understanding of him, and to keep my frustration and feelings of lonlieness (because we have such little time together) in check.

sorry for the giant post, needed to vent!
xo

[venetia]

I would be wary of a counsellor who made that kind of judgement call on my behalf! Surely he or she should be helping you find tools to make the decision yourself, not telling you what to do and how to think!

Karma, is it really a case of waiting for him to become reasdy, or is it a case of waiting to see IF he becomes ready or if he goes in a different direction?

I think the risk of never finding someone you love again is balanced against the risk of staying and missing someone who you'd love and who wants what you want...

[amilita]

"Do you wait for the person you love to become ready, or do you walk away and risk never finding someone you love again?"

Karma, I'm sure you realize that just as you risk never finding someone again, if you stay, you also risk the person you love never being ready for the things you want...no guarantees either way.

I'm really wary of people who are unhappy about their job or other aspects of their life and who use that as a reason to not progress in other areas of their life...i.e. marriage or having kids. It's one thing if they may not want those things, but another if they want to put it all on hold until they totally straighten out their career or whatever...especially when they don't even really have a plan. Like your boyfriend. And like my ex, who was unhappy at his job but never did anything about it...that was one of the reasons that led to our breakup. It was too frustrating.

I mean, I see people all the time who are having babies during difficult times...as medical residents, while in school, etc. If it's important to you, you make it a priority. Not that it would even have to be getting pregnant right now, but agreeing that after X number of years, you would have a baby, or whatever you both agreed to.

That's interesting that your counselor told you to be happy in the moment...I'm not sure I agree with her. Not that you should break up right now, either, but I think it's significant to you relationship, this non-meeting of the minds.

[nickclick]

It is such a difficult dilemma. Do you wait for the person you love to become ready, or do you walk away and risk never finding someone you love again? I wish I had the answer. And if you have a timeline, is it fair? I feel like I need to put a timeline on him, but I don't want to tell him and pressure him. Maybe not telling him is unfair too. I wish I knew!

asking him to live by your timeline is just as unfair as him asking you to wait for the things you want. there's got to be some compromise. is he willing to talk about the possibility of the rest of your lives together?

i may have stayed if my ex said - i want the same future as you, but i want to do this list of things first, better job, school, whatever. and if he had the track record of accomplishing such goals, which he didn't.

of course you will find someone to love again. i've come to the opinion that love isn't some cosmic inexplicable force that drives us to another person. it's a common sharing of interests and way of looking at the world. when you meet someone who looks at the future like you do, that will be one of the reasons you love him. i'm not saying marry the first guy who wants babies. i'm saying marry the first guy who likes what you like, and who wants babies. i dunno if it's harder to find that person than to make the person you're with into that person, but that was the chance i was willing to take. maybe i'm impatient...