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> write a letter...one you'll never send
stargazer
post Jul 23 2009, 02:37 PM
Post #601


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


Dear Universe,

I think I'm learning to finally accept myself which means accepting my strengths and limitations. I think by embracing my limitations, it is easier for me to see my strengths, if that makes sense. I was too focused on my limitations and the need to change them that I always focused on the negative, compared myself, and, basically, never saw myself as being good enough. Now, I'm finally ok with not having to be everything to everyone and myself. I do not need to prove myself to anyone. Feeling a level of confidence, I know what I am good at (finally!) and I can focused on using those strengths in my personal and professional life.

It is tough because I find I still struggle with returning to old patterns of thinking and behaving. That dance is so seductive. But, that tango gets really old that it becomes more like the lambada, tired and outdated. I know people will push or pull me, but, I know who I am which is the biggest liberation.

So, after writing have I have, I am still working on relaxing in the moment and allowing the feeling that for the first time in my life that I will end up in a good place.

much love,
stargazer


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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funnybird
post Jul 23 2009, 06:06 AM
Post #602


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 290
From: London, UK


Dear Landlord-to-be,
Thank you! You're awesome. We will be the best tenants ever, we promise.
Your new tenant.


--------------------
What I'm thinking is delicate. If I breathe I might lose it...
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lilacwine13
post Jul 22 2009, 11:16 AM
Post #603


Ambassador from the Republic of Cocktailland
***
Posts: 835
From: greater Minnesota


Dear concert gods,
Pleasepleasepleaseplease let me get that pass. I need to go and dance my butt off for three days. I need to see these friends and I need to forget the idiots up here.

--lilac



--------------------
All I know is that I don't know nothing.--Op Ivy
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girltrouble
post Jul 21 2009, 03:07 AM
Post #604


new highs in personal lows daily!
***
Posts: 4,307
From: wherever ink is put in skin...


ramona q: ok, wtf?!

i know you are having a hard time dealing with the guy you are seeing. you and i, heh. we are working class/survival class in our heart of hearts. we thrive making due. you are used to relying on yourself, and that's cool. yes, he has tons of money, but you don't have to take anything you don't want. it's kind of funny cos i thought if you ever found a guy to settle down with, he'd have bent to the almighty power of ramona, but here he comes, and you are bending to him. yeah, you guys have a open relationship, but there is, and always has been more to you than your sexuality. in all the time i've known you you've always been the cocksure one, even when you were dating married man, or worse, me, you knew why you were in it. how strange then, that since you've started dating c, you've always had a sense of unease when you talked about him. you love him, so you say, but i think you miss that part of you that never asked for permission, even if it meant getting hurt.

you know me though, i am gonna love you no matter who you are, how you define yourself, but don't include me in your little reindeer games. i don't want to be your little "alt" button to test your credentials of rebellion. if you have your doubts about staying with c, then you have to figure that out on your own. yes, i have been curious about what it would be like to kiss you again, but i respect your relationship, even if it's open. so when you kissed me, and sucked on my fingers last night, i was shocked. maybe i think about things too much, but i wonder if you might have been pining just a little for me. it's not ego for me, i find the whole idea very odd infact, but i do know you like your boys femme, and pegging is your forte, and i know the ultimatum, how things ended with us was... a train wreck. i'm sorry about that, you know i didn't want to hurt you, but it was the only choice i could make. in my heart of hearts, i had to be loyal. plus, i loved kitty, you knew that. you knew that. i loved you too, but to me it's never about the sex, it's about the companionship, it's that deep mutual understanding that wins my heart, and yeah, you were more accepting of anyone about my need to transition, you with your psychic penis, and we did have our weird sort of synchronisity, but who i was beyond our mutual history, what music i liked and why, movies, sense of humor etc? you never got any of that. so i chose kitty. not just cos she was the first on the scene, but because we had been thru so much and she really got me-- in three dimentions, not the sort of surface, i love what you represent kind of thing you and i have. for years i wondered what would have happened if you and i ever had a full blown relationship, where you were the primary, not the secondary in a poly thing. i guess last night i got my answer. it wouldn't have worked. maybe it's the 12 years that have passed, and the ways we've grown apart, but rose colored glasses off, it never would have gotten off the ground.

thank you tho. you may not have meant to, but you told me what i needed to know about you and i. that i don't need to wonder anymore. that i don't need to look back. that what's done is done with you and i.

now i have to deal with the other things you've put in my head.

gt


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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auralpoison
post Jul 21 2009, 01:56 AM
Post #605


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Dear D,

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

We have not been friends in ten years, but you've been trying to reconnect in the past two. I have lost count how many times I have rebuffed you, but you keep coming back to again take it in the teeth.

When I ended our friendship, I explained to you the reasons why:

1) Your near constant, crippling low self-esteem issues. It was depressing. You'd take whatever crumb you could get from whatever loser (The perpetual E.) you could. I hooked you up with a nice guy (He did have his flaws, I admit that.) that was NEVER embarrassed to be seen in public with you romantically. He loved you & you cheated on him with E constantly when E wouldn't even let you meet his friends. Because you were too fat/ not hot like his actual girlfriends. He sure liked fucking you, though!

2) Your rationalizations/the flexbility of your moral compass. Again, see the E sitch. And the fucking shoplifting. Always with the shoplifting. You'd give some charlatan $50 for a phony psychic reading, but wouldn't drop six bucks on a tube of lipstick.

3) Your craving for "authenticity", when the only authenticity you ever knew came from the cinema. You wanted to experience a "gospel" (Read: black) Church. I offered to take you & was surprised that you didn't want to go to one that wasn't "in the South". Because somehow that was more "real" to you. Well, fuck you whitey.

4) Your naivete & just plain lack of common sense. You did some really dumb shit & I'd have to bail you out. Those fucking urban legend emails: Nobody died because of rat urine on their soda can. 'Nuff said.

5) The one-sided nature of our friendship. I wouldn't hear from you for weeks at a time, but as soon as somethng bad happened the phone would ring & you'd need to "talk". Where were you when I needed you? Doing whatever you wanted at the time & screw me because you already had plans.

In short, I quite simply no longer felt GOOD about being friends with you.

I know that this situation is largely in part because we are now a mere 108 miles apart. You now live in a community of about 1300 people & are lonely. I live in a community upwards of 26,000 & choose to keep to myself. Even if I were lonely, you'd be the last person I'd call. So give it a rest, huh?

AP


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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culturehandy
post Jul 20 2009, 08:40 AM
Post #606


(o)(o)
***
Posts: 11,350
From: Oh boobs


Dear Momma Goose,

Thank you for being such an amazing, dear and wonderful friend to me.

Baby goose.


--------------------
Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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candycane_girl
post Jul 18 2009, 08:40 PM
Post #607


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 2,336
From: Canada


Dear Dad,

I know we've had our ups and downs. But please no that as frustrated and as hurt as I've been, I'm still here for you. Just hang in there. You've been through worse. You'll get through this. See you soon.

Your daughter
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lilacwine13
post Jul 18 2009, 05:48 PM
Post #608


Ambassador from the Republic of Cocktailland
***
Posts: 835
From: greater Minnesota


Dear AZ Guy,
I miss you.

I miss having you around and I miss being able to speak my mind and you accepting it. I miss your laugh, your ability to make me feel better and your obsession with turtles. I even miss your teasing and last night made it hurt even more. Seeing guys twice your age act like idiots made me realize just how rare and awesome you are, but at the same time I know I can't be what you want me to be right now.

--lilac


Dear T,
Okay, here is the recipe for avoiding drama--avoid the bars and stay sober. Next time we hang out, how about renting a movie or two, ordering a pizza and just chilling? Hell, we can even get a bottle of wine if you want, but no going to the bars because last night I realized why I didn't like hanging out with you too much--you turn every night into Jerry Springer and it makes me sad.

I'm serious. Last night didn't have to happen; you could have walked away and accepted that D is in another relationship. Instead you chose to make a scene, argue with him and pretty much make him feel like shit because you felt like shit because of another guy. I know loneliness sucks, but one of the things about life is you learn to deal with it, along with all the other sucky things about life.

I'm also starting to worry about you because the last times we hung out, we ended up going to the bars and you got drunk, which leads to drama for you. I've known you since junior high and you're too good for this. I know a lot of crap has happened in your life, but alcohol doesn't make things go away. I wish I knew what else to say to you and what else I can do, about all I can do is what I did last night--hold your hand and try to make you feel better. Just remember that you'll always have a friend in me, no matter what.
--S

Dear universe,
Give me the tools and I can handle this. I know that's why I'm up here, and I know I am strong enough but I still need time to grow into that strength. Still, next time you send me something, could you please have it not interfere with everything?

--me


--------------------
All I know is that I don't know nothing.--Op Ivy
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girltrouble
post Jul 17 2009, 09:40 PM
Post #609


new highs in personal lows daily!
***
Posts: 4,307
From: wherever ink is put in skin...


um catlady= the most awesomeist!

rudder:listen to rosey. collect some of these poems you have been sharing with us and get them published. they are fanfrickintastic.



dear universe:

ok, i've had my doubts about you, but this potentual new dj gig? whooo! i didn't even ask she just thought of me! just when i was planning on looking for new hh gigs next week? if you kick down with this in the way i'm thinking, i will be humble i will eat crow, and i will shut up. (at least for a while.) but i will do everything i can to honor this opportunity, and work my ass off on the others.

-gt


ETA:
dear universe:
1) that was fast, and 2)oh you're good....
-gt


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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crazyoldcatlady
post Jul 17 2009, 08:59 PM
Post #610


the moistiest
***
Posts: 1,700
From: here. in my head.


dear MF:

let's play a game. it's called "The Emperor's New Clothes." you name all the people i know who are leading valid lives in your eyes, because they're married and /or have kids, and then i point out that just because they are, doesn't mean their life is all rainbows and kittens:

1. Mutual Friend who is Pregnant: Suffered from an eating disorder for most of her young adult life, only got her period back a year or so ago, and needed fertility drugs and months upon months to Conceive.

2. Engaged brother: Newly engaged to girlfriend. Hit on me relentlessly last outing, said "if i weren't seeing [girlfriend/finacee] i'd be pursuing you like none other." Also had major fight with previous girlfriend over me, because he was "ignoring her" and "flirting with me" at his sister's wedding.

want me to go on?

Fitting the culture acceptible round peg and round hole of coupling doesn't whitewash everyone's faults, or failures, or problems, and it certainly doesn't grant them a place on some mythical social pedestal.

Me citing examples 1 and 2 above is catty, and below-the belt, and is an overall dick move.

fuckit. the gloves are off.

-CAT LADY FOR LIFE
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Souldancer75
post Jul 17 2009, 09:16 AM
Post #611


Newbie
*
Posts: 3
From: south philly





Dear d.

Its been 16 years since my former self met you at college orientation. Its been about 16 people since then who have been confused as to why I remained friends with you. So many people accuse you of being self-centered and a bitch. Many of the people who claimed you were a narcisisstic might have indeed been jealous of your size 0 frame which you threw their boyfriends' faces, true. But many just out and out could not stomach your "cooler-than-thou" attitude. Of course there were worshippers and followers. Frankly, I just wanted to be your equal. I might have been insecure and merely a size 6 at the time - but honestly, I knew I was just as cool as you back then and in fact - I had people tell me since I had the body of a young woman instead of a waif, that I was actually prettier in my own way. I resented your gloating attitude then, as I still do now.

In the past decade or so you have excelled in your career and made a nice little nest-egg for yourself by your standards. Things have not been like that for me. I have spent a ton of time searching for meaning in my life, finding out who I am, and trying to get over my childhood of abuse (which I know you so compassionately talked shit about me for in college, btw.) My priorities were different.

You always were there for me to talk shit about my exes via email. You NEVER however shared any emotional initimacy or even true details about your life. You kept a facade that you expected everyone else to buy - that you were beautiful, successful, and wealthy. You kept a distance.

When it came to phone calls - the only times that you ever called me were for emergency gossip or to update your work's reference profile. I was a valuable asset as a college roommate to help get your security clearance. The only times I spoke to you on the phone for 3 years were twice to update my address and once when a boyfriend did something horrendous.

I think you flew me out to visit you -- simply to throw your wealth in my face like you have done in other circumstances (which have been well documented by other friends.) I was desperate for friends - I was desperate for some proof that my life was not a failure. I was desperate for any attention. So I went, and I kept you around.

I really liked you because you are so sarcastic, so smarmy, so funny, and so independent. You really made me smile and I did have a good time back in the day. It felt like our senses of humor had fused into one brain at one point. Our tastes were similar, our opinions almost always easily understood. But your pretentious lifestyle, your yuppy life, your ignoring my emails, phone calls, and your refusal to put yourself out there --- except when you wanted it ---- your way only ---- I have no way of knowing wtf was up with you.

Then I find out that you are spending all kinds of time and energy on your friendship with T - who you described to me as "not the brightest bulb in the socket." Huh. Wonder what you said to her about me?! I find out you talk to her and other friends on the phone every day -- when you told me that you don't talk to people on the east coast because of the time difference being "too stressful." yeah. nice. That hurt.

And if you want to know it - I will confess - I partly deleted my facebook account because I was tired of seeing you comment on everyone elses' stuff --- while always ignoring anything I said to you.

And lately I have healed...a lot. And I have woken up and realized that I have NO DESIRE to follow you around for 5 days and coo- and aaah at you at your bachelorette party bullshit. I have no desire to have any "fun" with people who make me feel like shat about myself - who treat me as a charity case, who only want me around when they want me around, who refuse to disclose any personal info to me - while lecturing me on my life's problems, who won't communicate honestly, and who are totally fake with shallow priorities. You were never really there for me --- and never let me be there for you. You were too worried about looking skinny, successful, and making sure you were better than me. You don't see me as an equal - you see me as a pet project.

So hell no I am not going to put myself out for you --- in fact, after this letter - I am not even going to THINK about you. You can keep calling and emailing me to ask me why - and I will just sit back and laugh as you will burn up not being able to know what horrible thing your pathetic friend is going through to keep her from your parties. In fact, this is the most attention that I have gotten from you in YEARS. And that is SO sad and screwed up. You are such an effing narcisisst that even if I ever approached you - you would roll your eyes, call me overlyemotional, and blame ME for whatever I am feeling. I know you well enough.

I am only hostile at myself because it took me so long to figure this shit out and to finally put my foot down and demand something a little better for myself.

I hope you take your mansion, your lexus, your boring-assed personalityless wealthy husband and live a nice yuppy life out there. As for me - I will keep on being me --- putting my personal health and healing, my spirituality, my zest, my funkyness, and my happiness as MY priorities in my life. My man might be broke - but he is a hootin riot, fist full of piss, and fun. And I would rather eat organic shit than have your job - even if it paid me twice as much, btw.

thanks
k


--------------------
[font="Century Gothic"][/font]
"To love truly takes a hero that can manage his own fear." - clarissa pinkola estes
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roseviolet
post Jul 17 2009, 07:13 AM
Post #612


Pacifism kicks ass!
***
Posts: 3,064


Rudderless, I'm adding my voice to the choir. You're a gloriously talented writer. I really look forward to your posts in here.



P & S,
Do me a favor: sometime in the very near future, you need to get together with your father and meet his goddamn girlfriend already. I know you don't like the way he ended things with J. Believe me, neither do I. And I don't mind telling you that I honestly prefer J over this woman. But that was over 2 years ago. It's time to move past it. Because this woman has become a MAJOR factor in your father's life - and a major influence, as well. Are you picking up on my meaning here? I certainly hope so. Frankly, this situation is putting an odd taste in my mouth. Something about it doesn't feel right. T and I live 5000 miles away so we cannot monitor this situation. But you can. So get on it.NOW.

I think it's ridiculous that this woman has been living with him for 2 years and the first time she has met any of his family members is this week. Why should she have to travel 5000 miles to a country she's never visited before just to meet some of his family? You actually live in the same damn country as the man. It's time for you to make an effort.

Note that, despite my angry tone, I say this because I trust you two more than anyone else in the family. I really need you to be our eyes and ears. I can't do this alone.

Much love. Really.
M
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anna k
post Jul 16 2009, 08:07 PM
Post #613


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,687
From: NYC


rudderlesschild, you are a fantastic writer, I can just imagine this quiet dude with the sly moves bamboozling everyone and being your own dirty little secret. And damn right the kids like you, you are awesome and fabulous!
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girltrouble
post Jul 16 2009, 07:55 PM
Post #614


new highs in personal lows daily!
***
Posts: 4,307
From: wherever ink is put in skin...


oh i can tell you how:
1)i've seen your pix, you are very cute,
2)you have your own style,
3)you are confident in who you are
4)you are older, and have had lots of experiences
5) you are smart as hell
6)the catholic thing.

if a guy is inclined to date older women, you'd be pretty amazing.

believe me, i am not complaining. the letters you post from your crushes and hubby... well i am glad there are young-uns throwing themselves in your path. i hope they keep on. whooooooo.


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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treehugger
post Jul 16 2009, 07:21 PM
Post #615


cryostat bitch
***
Posts: 1,717


TPTB:

I really don't know how much longer I can run like this. Me OR chilly guy. Seriously, this shit has to stop.

Blargh.

AP, I wanna go share some of that with you, too! wink.gif


--------------------
To block Steve's latest incarnation, Click Here.
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culturehandy
post Jul 16 2009, 05:20 PM
Post #616


(o)(o)
***
Posts: 11,350
From: Oh boobs


AP,

If you were here, I'd for sure do it. This stuff is the hot shit, too. I've smoked some of his stuff before, and it's rediculous. It is potent and fucks you up good.

If only I still smoked.

CH


--------------------
Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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auralpoison
post Jul 16 2009, 04:19 PM
Post #617


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Dear CH,

I'll take it, I'll take it!

AP


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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culturehandy
post Jul 16 2009, 02:28 PM
Post #618


(o)(o)
***
Posts: 11,350
From: Oh boobs


Dear You,

You asked me if I could get you some bud, last week. You said ASAP, I arranged it, now you're mum on it. well, next time you want, figure it out on your own, I've resold what I've got. Don't expect me to be doing this kind of favour for you again.

Regards,

CH.


--------------------
Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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kittenb
post Jul 16 2009, 10:19 AM
Post #619


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


rudderlesschild - ever consider writing a book just of letters? It could be a "Griffin & Sabine" type thing.

Dear Universe,

2 bedroom, w/a dishwasher and a deck of any size, some sun and hardwood floors in a nice neighborhood close to the Brown Line w/sunshine for the cats and the plants. Not too much to ask so let's make it happen. I can't stand this apartment much longer w/o the promise of a stove and refridgerator that work consistently in my future.

Your obedient servant,
Kittenb


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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funnybird
post Jul 16 2009, 06:18 AM
Post #620


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 290
From: London, UK


Dear Potential Landlord,

Firstly, please call soon and let us know how much rent you’re planning charge. It’s kind of a major deciding factor for us. If you’re going to ask for more than we can pay, we need to start looking for other options, and fast.

Second, please be reasonable. Please please please. We really want this flat. I understand that just because you know us you’re not obliged to give us any kind of discount, but try to understand how much we need this. We want to have babies, and to do that we need to live somewhere quiet, with a little bit of space and still be able to afford to eat. It’s shitty being a tenant. You’re powerless; you can be evicted at any time (as we’ve just discovered), you live every day with the knowledge that you’re working just to pay someone else’s mortgage and not your own, and most of the time you’re not even allowed to hang pictures on the walls. We may never be able to afford a place of our own, but we’re hardworking, responsible people and I think we deserve a break. Is some stability too much to ask?

Give us a chance. You won’t regret it.
Your potential tenant.


--------------------
What I'm thinking is delicate. If I breathe I might lose it...
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