[deschatsrouge]

I'm taking a child development class from a LSW/trauma specialist and he talks a lot about rape and sexual trauma in adults and children. I have to take a happy pill (propanylol) before each class because I never know what he'll say that might trigger me. After I'm triggered I have to behave like a sane person, sit, take notes and listen calmly, while I have a flash back in class. Inside the demons in my synapses are going ape shit.

Yeah, I could ask him to keep the ugly stuff to a minimum but that would mean opening myself up to him and I don't want to. He's not my therapist and he hasn't earned it. Besides, I think he already knows because I handed him my ADA form and answered in short order a question about rape victim behavior. I guess I don't want to tell him because I'd like to keep my therapeutic relationships therapeutic and my academic relationships academic. If I tell him I'm crossing the two and that makes me very uncomfortable.

PTSD sucks the big one. Every once in a while I am reminded how little it takes to cause me to become a pile of tragedy mourning the symphony of atrocities committed against me. When this happens I feel like a weak and sniveling fool. Every once in a while I am reminded how little it takes me to become weak, self pitying, self hating, and stupid.

The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not mourn thine rape lest thou be self pitying.

[damona]

deschat, thank you for reminding me of that. i need a little kick now and then

polly, thanks for the idea. can you go ahead and pm or email me about that? i'm so damn tired i nearly fell asleep on the keyboard (see kvetch for deets).

(((((((safe hugs for all)))))))

[pollystyrene]

What deschat said...maybe the mr. should at least block the guy from seeing his posts and pictures, so that your lives stay private from him. I know you're not on FB, so PM me if you need help with the technical details of doing that...I've got a couple people who I am FB friends with solely under the theory of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.

[deschatsrouge]

((((damona))))

Your feelings don't have to make sense to be real and valid.

[damona]

i haven't posted here in so long...

i thought i was doing ok. but. the mr got a facebook. guess who friend requested him? guess who he friended? yeah. i told him it was his facebook, and it was up to him, but now i'm not so sure. his reasoning for friending him was that now we know where he is and what he's up to. i just don't know. it both really bothers me, and really doesn't. i don't even know if that is logical. well, i guess it really isn't, but i don't know how else to say it.

[kittenb]

Hello all! Well, I guess if this thread is active agin, I should visit Bust more frequently.

ketto - several years ago I started to volunteer for an agency that did advocacy in the emergency for people who were raped. This quickly turned into a job and is culminating in me finishing my master's degree in counseling. I would really like t stay with trauma work but there are not a lot of places hiring at the moment. But I am so glad I have had the experience of doing this work. My clients are constant inspiration.

Me too. I feel the darkness that he left still lives in me. The piece he ripped from my soul will never be returned to me. But, the darkness does not control me anymore and I'm growing a new piece in the place of the missing one.

This is one of the things that I can really work with my clients. I think that many therapists are uncomfortable working with the dark side of healing but I feel that a lot of the richest and most fertile parts of ourselves can be found there, stuffed down and reaching for light. I don't quite know how to do it yet, but I love talking with my clients about it.

[deschatsrouge]

((((Ketto))))

I used the crisis phone line and went for in person crisis counselling for 8 weeks and I credit it for getting me back on track when I was at my darkest.

I have had a similar experience. I felt like I was in limbo until I went in for trauma counseling.

Anyway, for all the things I've felt like I've had to deal with and get over, I'm really glad to be in a position in my life where I feel really stable and in enough of an emotionally healthy place to be able to support other people who are in a similar position I was once in. I'm very thankful for where I am right now. I hope others are doing well too.

Me too. I feel the darkness that he left still lives in me. The piece he ripped from my soul will never be returned to me. But, the darkness does not control me anymore and I'm growing a new piece in the place of the missing one.

We are yet living.

[ketto]

Dead thread. It's still been a few years since anything has really come up for me and I'm happy to say that I feel like that will be the way things stay for a while. I didn't end up giving my brother anymore info, but just trying to make sure we're a little closer and checking in to see how he's feeling more. It's still hard though when my dad or older brother will ask why my younger brother acts so anxious and depressed sometimes and I usually just say that he's going through his own shit but I wish my older brother could know at least. But the younger one just turned 21 and quit a stressful job and moved bedrooms, which are all small changes but I sometimes those little changes can make you feel a lot better. He seems to be doing pretty well right now.

Anyway, the big change of late is that I'm not volunteering in the sexual assault crisis program in our city. I used this program a couple of years after my assault. I used the crisis phone line and went for in person crisis counselling for 8 weeks and I credit it for getting me back on track when I was at my darkest. The counsellor I saw was amazing and supportive and really empowered me, so I wanted to give back in the same way. No one I work with there knows that I was a former client so sometimes I want to say that I remember how I felt when going through so-and-so but I don't feel like that's something I want to share with the volunteers. I was worried I would find the program triggering but it's actually been really good. My job is to answer crisis phone calls, go to the hospital (overnight or day) if a sexual assault comes in, or do in-person crisis counselling - I work there about once a week. I never went to the hospital when I was assaulted but I'm glad I know how the process works now - I may have actually gone if I had known what it was like. There's a special suite in the hospital that's set up really nice, like a living room with couches and nice lighting and the exam and interview rooms are really relaxing and comfortable. There are only certain nurses who work in that room who are specially trained and no one is pressured into reporting if they don't want to. They always call volunteers from our organization to come down and offer support to the survivors and secondary victims and we'll explain what's going to happen, explain our programs if they want counselling, bring them extra clothes and resources, get them a cab if they need it, and just generally be there for them if they need us. If the client doesn't want us there, then we leave. It's all very respectful of what the survivor wants and we're very clear that no one has the right to pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to.

Anyway, for all the things I've felt like I've had to deal with and get over, I'm really glad to be in a position in my life where I feel really stable and in enough of an emotionally healthy place to be able to support other people who are in a similar position I was once in. I'm very thankful for where I am right now. I hope others are doing well too.

[ketto]

Cecilia, I know this thread isn't very active and you're post was trying to be supportive and it's great that you're doing good work in this field, but this is a safe space for survivors to share what's happening our lives and situations. It's not okay to say we should encourage survivors to speak up or we should speak up if we are the survivors. A lot of us are dealing with very personal issues or went through an experience where speaking up was and is not an option, and where we've already been repeatedly re-victimized by the systems that are supposed to be in place to help us. This is a safe space where we can come to share what's going on in our lives, and even though I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across this way, it's not a space where we want to feel pressure that we "should have" reported.

[cecilia]

Hi, Ive been a member for a long time, but tend to only lurk..... Anyway, I have recently come into a position where it is my job to prosecute juvenile offenders. If any of you are willing to share, I would like to hear your stories regarding the criminal and juvenile processes. If any of you have feedback regarding either system, or what prosecutors can do to make it easier on you, I would really like to hear it.
For, example, I recently dealt with a young victim who totally kicked ass on the stand. I feel, at this point, it would be wrong to tell her that, as I have not yet closed my case. That might be "coaching." On the other hand, she did kick ass! The defense attorney tried to get her mixed up, but she stuck to her guns and did not let him manipulate her. She"s my idol in many ways, she's only 14!
Is there anything prosecutors can do to make the whole system less painful? While I, myself, only deal with juvenile offenders, I work in a small office where I am the only female attorney, so the others tend to at least listen to my opinion.
And for what it's worth, if anyone is or knows or suspects anyone they know is a victim of sexual abuse, please speak up or encourage the victims to. In at least half of my cases involving sexual abuse, the (juvenile) perpetrator is also a victim. There's a much greater chance of rehabilitation if the offender is a juvenile and caught young. It's all about breaking the cycle.
Anyway, thanks for listening and I look forward to any feedback that anyone here might have. If you don't feel comfortable posting, feel free to pm me.

[koffeewitch]

Wow Ketto...I bet getting the courage up to tell you at all was probably a big step for him. It's so hard for anybody to talk about, let alone guys. I know you want to be the big sister and help him out, but maybe he just needs to know that someone in the family understands him (why he is anti-social, not-dating, etc.) If I were you I'd probably just wait for him to bring it up again. I feel really awful that his perp/perp's family are still involved with your family. That must be so hard. My perp died when I was 16...I'm kinda afraid I might have been obsessed with hurting/killing him otherwise. I wonder if your bro. feels that way, too...

[ketto]

I haven't posted or even lurked in this thread in over a year (probably longer!). I feel like I've really dealt with the issues i had related to my rape and I've been in a really happy place for probably the last two years.

Two months ago my younger brother (20) told me he needed to talk to me in private. We went to my bedroom and I could tell it was something really big. He told me that a neighbour and childhood friend (3 years older than me, 7 years older than my brother) had molested him when they were kids. I didn't ask how old my brother was but I gathered he was about 6 or 7 (making the neighbour 13-15). He said he blocked it out for a long time but started remembering in high school. I'm the only person in the family he's told. I've been able to tell both my parents and my other brother what happened to me, but I feel awful for him because he can't and I know he can't. He told me he really wanted someone in the family to know, but the person who did this to him is still in our lives and my brother said he doesn't want to confront him or disrupt his life. I told him I confronted my rapist and it helped me a lot and it seemed like it hadn't even crossed his mind - which I also thought was a bit odd because when I went to sexual assualt crisis counselling they outlined my options, and while there was no pressure, confronting him was definitely an option and even knowing that I could do it gave me back some power.

I told him he could probably tell our older brother but I completely understand why he can't tell our parents. I don't want to put down too many details, but the persons parents and siblings are still in our lives in small ways and up until two months ago, I'd always considered the whole family to be friends. Most of my best childhood memories revolve around playing at these peoples house. They're a huge part of my childhood memories. We're a really close family and I think it's probably hard for him to only have on person to tell. I might ask him if he wants to consider telling our older brother because the three of us are so close. I think the extra support would be really good for him.

I guess a few months have passed and my parents are constantly asking me and my older brother what's wrong with my younger brother, why he's so anti-social, why he doesn't want to date, that therapy doesn't seem to be helping - he sees a woman and I think he needs to see someone who has specific experience with male childhood sexual abuse and anxiety disorders. I would NEVER EVER say anything, but I feel like my brother needs more support than I know how to give. He told me he was dealing well, but I feel like I could offer him more supports, I just don't want to offend him. There's a men's resource Centre here that has a support group for men who were abused as children so I think I'll pass that on to him. I just feel conflicted about how to bring things up.

I think he has a really good rational reaction to what happened, but I feel like he needs more emotional help. He rationally knows it wasn't his fault, it doesn't mean he's gay, he couldn't have stopped it, etc. But emotionally I don't know if he's really dealt with how he feels about it, if he has anger, the fact that he hasn't had any interest in dating for over 4 years now, the fact that this person is still in all our lives (in small ways) and he can't do anything about it. We're really similar and I know we both tend to look at things from a rational point first and sometimes our emotions get ignored.

Phew. I guess I don't really know what I'm asking, mostly I needed a place to vent and put my thoughts in order. I work at a counselling centre so I have access to a lot of great resources so I'm just going to pass them on to him and let him know that I'm here if he needs support. When he told me I just hugged him and told him I was also a survivor. I feel like knowing that has answered a lot of questions I had about him and really helped me understand where he's coming from. I just want to be able to offer him better support.

[deschatsrouge]

I'm writing a paper on the Feminist centered views of why rape occurs, and Feminist philosophy for treatment of sexual assault survivors. Does any one know any good books besides the prerequisite Against Our Will?

[koffeewitch]

I could totally see the scared little boy there, too, and what struck me was how he talked about how it affected him (no girlfriends through high school, scared of sex, didn't know what sex was when it was happening, etc) and it just struck me, that men are just as traumatized by it as women. They just have a bigger stigma against TALKING about it.

Another thing that struck me, he was raped by a woman. It's easy to think, because he wasn't penetrated, that he wasn't traumatized. But, I tell you, knowing him as intimately as I know him, he was deeply traumatized.

Hell, yeah. And so many men can never stop blaming themselves because they believe they should have been tough enough to stop the assault. (Even if they were kids and had no power in the situation).

Depending on whose stats you want to believe in the U.S. one out of every six (or 1 out of every 10) boys are sexually molested/raped by their 18th birthday. Many of these guys grow up to be perps themselves, of course.
A horrible anecdote:When my BF was in prison for drug possession he knew a guy who had just been raped. The rape victim chose a female guard to report to about the rape; he thought a woman would be more compassionate. While he was telling her how he was forced down and sodomized she said, "and I betcha liked it". The good part of this story is that he then PUNCHED her in the face. Obviously he immediately got his ass kicked and would up in the "hole" (solitary confinement). Moral: Women can be just as ignorant and insensitive toward rape victims as men. Sad to say.

One more anecdote (and this one makes me cry when I "talk" about it, so bear with me, here): Years ago, my friend "Jane" went to a big feminist conference out west. One of those big camping out doors festivals that go on for a week-end. Anyway, part of the conference included free childcare in the "childcare tent". One of the participants had a tiny baby boy that she dropped off at the tent before she went to her little hour long workshop. When she returned to pick up her baby, she heard him crying and ran into the tent to find him unattended. This was strange: it was one of the rules that children were never to be left unattended. The baby was wailing and screaming like he was in pain. When she checked him, she found that someone or someones had drawn a bullseye around her baby's anus and left a marker stuck up his ass. THIS HAPPENED IN OUR OWN COMMUNITY. A FEMINIST CONFERENCE. This poor mother had noticed lots of comments from others about her baby's sex; i.e. about his being a boy. She (obviously ) was devastated and told as many other conference participants (including my friend "Jane" before she left). I have no more words for this atrocity except to say I am still seething and horrified that this happened in our own "house" of sister feminist activist women.

[treehugger]

The few men whom have told me their assault stories in non-work situations have always been drunk or high.

See, that is what was weird, it was at work. No alcohol or drugs involved, just an at work conversation, over bologna sandwiches. I could totally see the scared little boy there, too, and what struck me was how he talked about how it affected him (no girlfriends through high school, scared of sex, didn't know what sex was when it was happening, etc) and it just struck me, that men are just as traumatized by it as women. They just have a bigger stigma against TALKING about it.

Another thing that struck me, he was raped by a woman. It's easy to think, because he wasn't penetrated, that he wasn't traumatized. But, I tell you, knowing him as intimately as I know him, he was deeply traumatized.

[auralpoison]

When did prison rape become comedy? Really? It makes me feel horrible every time I see it/hear it. There is an entire section in the David Wain (Whom I love, Wet Hot American Summer, anyone?) movie the Ten that is about how Rob Cordry wants to be the prison guy raping Ken Marino every night instead of Marino's cellmate. It bothers me a lot.

[kittenb]

I've had a few guys confess rape/sexual abuse to me (usually, not always, when we were getting high and they felt safe enough to talk about it).

The few men whom have told me their assault stories in non-work situations have always been drunk or high.

BTW, I HATEHATEHATE all the jokes in movies, pop-culture, etc. about men getting raped in prisons/lockerrooms, whatever. All of the "don't drop the soap" jokes.

DITTO!!!

Did you guys see that story on the news yesterday about the gang-rape in California? A girl was raped for 2 and a half hours while on-lookers cheered and filmed it. NOBODY intervened or called the police. They didn't want to be snitches. (I guess they have no problem being accessories to rape just as long as they're not snitches).

This story freaked me out and has thrown more then one of my clients for a total loop. I just want to go to that girl and help her and hold her until all of those assholes are thrown in jail.

[koffeewitch]

I've had a few guys confess rape/sexual abuse to me (usually, not always, when we were getting high and they felt safe enough to talk about it). It's always kind of earth shattering when I know some super macho tough guy and all of a sudden I get a glimpse of that scared, hurt little boy that lives beneath all of that armor. Treehugger, it's wonderful that you apparently exude some kind of aura that allows people to feel safe opening up to you.

BTW, I HATEHATEHATE all the jokes in movies, pop-culture, etc. about men getting raped in prisons/lockerrooms, whatever. All of the "don't drop the soap" jokes. There is nothing funny about rape; I don't care who it is happening to. I know this is beyond obvious to all of us, but for some reason society at large sees men getting raped as some enormous laugh riot.

Did you guys see that story on the news yesterday about the gang-rape in California? A girl was raped for 2 and a half hours while on-lookers cheered and filmed it. NOBODY intervened or called the police. They didn't want to be snitches. (I guess they have no problem being accessories to rape just as long as they're not snitches).

[treehugger]

Yesterday I had a little bit of a strange experience. I've been working quite a bit with one specific co-worker, and we've begun to kind of bond with each other-we have begun to tell each other pretty deep secrets and have a vow of secrecy between us, that nothing we say to each other gets told to the rest of the shop. I've told him some of the things that I only confess in the confessions thread.

Anyway, he is, on the outside, one of the most macho, huff-and-puffer guys I know, not afraid to get in a brawl, spent 20 years as a bouncer in a bar, biker guy, has hundreds of guns, etc. You get the picture.

And yesterday he told me he was raped at the age of 12. And I saw a glimpse of a scared little boy behind that facade. I feel pretty honored that he felt like he could tell me.

[kittenb]

Circledot - that was the book I was going to recommend that you start with. Let us know what you think.

Welcome circledot and vermilionkiss!!!