[vermilionkiss]

Treehuger, your post brought tears to my eyes!

This is a place I need to be... here in this thread... but I am going to take a bit to build up the courage.

[circledot]

I have to add that just writing that down was very cathartic and I had a long cry. I am so glad that this forum exists. I've been letting my guilty and angry feelings eat me up for so long.
I also just ordered a book from Amazon- Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child - Laura Davis, which I found after looking up "The Courage to Heal" which was mentioned below. Just reading the book reviews and descriptions made me feel a tiny bit better.
But I would still like your thoughts! I trust my Busties.
x

[circledot]

thanks auralpoison.
I'm in a long term commited relationship (almost 2 years). He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I can't imagine life without him. Everything in our relationship has been so good, except one area. Our sex life was briefly wonderful but over time slowed to an absolute crawl. After me crying and lots of discussions I got the sense that he had anxiety about sex, we tried taking it slow, more intimacy etc, but nothing seemed to get better. I asked him to see a therapist but he refused.
Over time it came out that he had been abused by a family member when he was a child as well as in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship in college. I have been supportive, patient, not pushed, and thankfully he has decided that he wants to see a therapist and has gone a few times now.
But I feel powerless. I want to help more but I don't know how.
I'm also struggling with my own feelings- for a long time I didn't understand the full extent of what was going on and only interpreted his behavior in relation to the two of us. I thought that he was no longer attracted to me, I was angry at him and frustrated that he didn't seem to care we were not having sex, couldn't see that for me it is an important part of a relationship. That he didn't see he was hurting me. I think I should feel better now that he seems to realise how much it has affected me (and him!) and our relationship, and that he can't go on ignoring his problems.
But I still have these residual feelings. And I feel really guilty for feeling them. I feel selfish. I know his non-interest in sex has nothing to do with me, but it still hurts. He told me that sex messes everything up, that its a violent act and he loves me so much, which is I guess why he was more sexual before we really fell in love.
I read some old posts on this thread and it kills me to think how much he must be suffering.
It's not his fault and it's not mine and it seems so unfair, I get so angry that these people have hurt my perfect man.
I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. It's all so confusing. Are there any books that anyone would recommend? I want to help him, and I need to help myself too to keep the relationship strong. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, the most supportive, caring, playful and intelligent person and I won't give up.
Sorry this is so long, it's just come pouring out. I have no one to talk to about this and its so hard.

[ananke]

That is so awesome treehugger! Just amazing.

[auralpoison]

*bump*

[kittenb]

No I didn't see that story. Wow, though, it might make an interesting book to read. I stopped reading many survivor accounts years ago but now that I am doing counseling I need to start reading them again. If nothing else, it helps to have book recommendations for my clients.

[koffeewitch]

Thanks guys! Did anybody else see that terrible story about actress Mackenzie Phillips yesterday (the daughter of John and Michelle Phillips of The Mamas and the Papas and a actor in her own right during the 70/80s)??

My god that woman was sexually abused by her father for over a decade, was pregnant with what may have been his child... I can never listen to the M and the P ever again now, without thinking what a fucked up piece of shit John Philips was... Anyway, Mackenzie just published a memoir called "High on Arrival" where she breaks the life long secret and talks about her self destruction and her healing jouney.

[deschatsrouge]

((((Koffee))))

This place has the best listeners in the world in my opinion.

[treehugger]

kittenb: as soon as the backne I developed from the salve goes away, I'll take a picture and post a link.

((((koffewitch)))) so sad that your first conscious memory was of being abused. Feel free to share, or not share, lurk, or not lurk, as much as you want here.

((((hugs to all the survivors...whether they post here or not))))

[kittenb]

Tree - that is fantastic! Good for you. Makes me wish we could still post pics here so that we could all see it.

Welcome koffeewitch and thank you for sharing some of your story. I hope you feel comfortable talking here as much as you want to.

[koffeewitch]

Hey sisters... this is my first time here in survivor's space. Just as I feared, a lot of the comments shared really brought out scary feelings and memories and quite a few tears.

Treehugger: your last post made me cry in a really good way. Thank you for sharing your tattoo story; I thought it was really inspiring.

My first conscious memory was of being sexually abused. I must have been less than 2 years old. I totally can relate to the comments about feeling grief when your own children reach the age at which you were most often abused. It's like you look at your innocent child (looking so much like you) and think WHAT KIND OF SICK DEREANGED BLOODY FUCKING ASSWIPE OF HUMANITY DOES THAT TO A BABY?? Or to ANYBODY for that fucking matter...

I'll end this on a more satisfactory note. I used to imagine my abuser literally dying from guilt...as if KNOWING what he did would drive him insane and poison his mind and body. When I was about 16, he died of some kind of strange brain tumor hemmorhage thingie. And he died slowly. With one of his own daughters confronting him on his death bed in front of the entire family. I wish I coulda been a fly on the wall, but even knowing it happened helps a little bit. Thanks for letting me share that. It's been a long time since I've "talked" about this shit...

[deschatsrouge]

Congrats tree!

[treehugger]

Just wanted to share what I think is a milestone...

I got a tattoo last week. It's a fleur de lis (New Orleans' symbol) with the New Orleans motto "laissez les bon temps rouler" which means, "let the good times roll". I associate that city with fun and happiness. It is where Bear and I went on our first vacation together, and probably the first time in my life I felt really, truly, happy and centered in myself. I went through a lot in my healing process.

I put the tattoo almost dead center of my back. That spot is a place where I have stored a lot of negative trauma and negative emotions. It's where, when I was beaten and got my brain injury, the perpetrators smashed my back with bricks. So I've always refused to let people and lovers touch me there because I just have this instinct to completely flinch away and it brings terrible memories. So I decided I wanted to put something happy there. I was so proud of myself-I explained the whole thing to the tattoo artist and he was incredulous and said, "and you want me to tattoo you THERE?" He was SO gentle with me and I gave him a huge tip.

So, now every time I put lotion on it or do the tattoo aftercare ritual, it's like I'm cleansing that area from the negativity and allowing happiness in. I'm pretty happy I did it.

[kittenb]

Thanks for the clarification, AP. I didn't do my homework on that.

[auralpoison]

You can be pissed all you like, I don't have a problem with it, but the Two Coreys were very specific in saying that it wasn't Michael Jackson who abused them, it was Feldman's assistant.

[kittenb]

Thirteen - Welcome to Survivor's Space! I hope you find some support here. The situation that you are in sounds awful. I've heard before about familes who have had to basically split because of abuse like what you went through. It is unfortunate that you might have to loose out on family events now that you are an adult for something that was NOT your fault.
Why do you have to wait for the medication? Are you also seeing a therapist or interested in seeing one? Please feel free to post here as often as you want to.

I need to vent! I am going to flip the fuck OUT if I hear much more about Michael Jackson. I'l loose it! I'm one of the people who believed that he abused children (inclu. if the reality show The Cory's was understood correctly, both of them as young boys.) So everytime I see some weeping fan talking about how much he meant to them, all I hear is "That child molester was so talented!" For years I have worked to avoid his movies or his stupid freakish face. Now he is all over my damn Facebook homepage! Argh! And, I think I even pissed off a Bustied that I really liked b/c I mentioned that I belived him to be an abuser. That was all I said. I figure, let the damn fans have their day but GOOD LORD, every website I go to, I see a child molester! I turn on the TV to watch The Mentalist and instead I get, "Let's mourn the child molester." It is worse than nails on a chalkboard. It is like nails on my soul.

When I started to notice how much anger was rising up in me last night, I realized that, having grown up on his music like every other child my age did, realizing he was a freak was just realizing that another adult could not be trusted around children.

I feel a little better getting this out here. I hope I haven't just stomped all over someone's childhood hero but this is the one place I will not be silenced!

Frankly, I wish he'd died years ago so that this media circus was long over by now.

[thirteen]

I am so horribly depressed. Alone, angry, tired, anxious. Two months till I can get on meds. Living with my sister who knows I am going through these problems because of the abuse I survived when I was a child, but she won't reach out and help. She brings up our abusive father right in front of me (even though I have told her to please stop doing that)!

Just the other day she said, "I feel so bad for not calling dad on Father's Day... I should call him in a few days and apologize..." whilst I just stared at her in total disbelief and finally managed to stammer that she shouldn't call him at all, given the fact that he treated his family like shit for years.

My sister is hoping to marry her boyfriend at some point and is actually going to invite my dad to the wedding. When I told her that I would absolutely not show up if the abuser was there, she stupidly replied, "I don't know...it is sad that both of you can't attend..." She was not abused like I was, but knows exactly what I went through-- and still says things like this. Sometimes I hate her. Really-- how vacant can you get?

You know, I am even more upset than normal because I just replied to a post about a very sad topic. Really must avoid things like that...

Probably I just need to go and have something to drink and eat, and will feel better. Keep telling myself to hold on, do not give up... but that is incredibly difficult when nobody around me will listen or have even the slightest bit of empathy.

I AM JUST SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[treehugger]

((((hugs to all survivors out there...both those who are posting here, and those who are lurking)))))

I just have to chime in on "the courage to heal"....awesome book!!

[MsKissyStarfish]

EMDR therapy is the only real thing that helped me. I tried out 3 other therapists before I found the right one for me. The techniques such as creating a safe place, self hypnosis, and viewing my traumas in a movie theatre of the mind really helped me get through flashbacks, fears, PTSD, etc. I swear it is the only the thing that kept me sane when pregnant (also during labor and delivery) and dealing with all of the stuff that came back up. Had another rough patch when my daughter was ages 4 and 5 as that is when my most damaging abuses occurred. The book that helped a great deal even after I no longer went to my psychiatrist was The Courage to Heal. Wishing you the best Ananke. *gentle hugs*

[ananke]

The news in my country is finally catching up with the fact that football players gang rape women. Shock fucking horror.

The kicker? Apart from me being stupid enough to read the transcript of one of the shows? The fluff news had a piece about it following dipshits arguing that women should just have sex with their husbands because it's unfair not to.

Like the two things are never fucking connected.