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>  Survivor's Space
MsKissyStarfish
post May 25 2009, 09:28 PM
Post #61


BUSTie
**
Posts: 61
From: U.S.A.


EMDR therapy is the only real thing that helped me. I tried out 3 other therapists before I found the right one for me. The techniques such as creating a safe place, self hypnosis, and viewing my traumas in a movie theatre of the mind really helped me get through flashbacks, fears, PTSD, etc. I swear it is the only the thing that kept me sane when pregnant (also during labor and delivery) and dealing with all of the stuff that came back up. Had another rough patch when my daughter was ages 4 and 5 as that is when my most damaging abuses occurred. The book that helped a great deal even after I no longer went to my psychiatrist was The Courage to Heal. Wishing you the best Ananke. *gentle hugs*


--------------------
"What's past is prologue."
~William Shakespeare

The Tempest
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ananke
post May 12 2009, 05:47 PM
Post #62


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 266


The news in my country is finally catching up with the fact that football players gang rape women. Shock fucking horror.

The kicker? Apart from me being stupid enough to read the transcript of one of the shows? The fluff news had a piece about it following dipshits arguing that women should just have sex with their husbands because it's unfair not to.

Like the two things are never fucking connected.
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deschatsrouge
post May 10 2009, 03:17 PM
Post #63


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((anake))))


--------------------
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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ananke
post Feb 7 2009, 12:35 AM
Post #64


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 266


It's a confusing situation, but my brother developed the drinking problem while living with my parents - apparently I'm to blame because if i'd spilled the beans earlier my mother would have done something OTHER than yell at him for drinking too much.

Because the child of an alcoholic doesn't ever repeat the behaviour...and yelling works so well!

i've realised that a lot of my angst is coming from fear - I don't want my kid to hate their dad the way I did, or go through what I did.

And I'm glowing like I'm radioactive - 46.7 degrees celcius today, hottest day ever in my city *melts*
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kittenb
post Feb 6 2009, 12:11 PM
Post #65


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


{{{{anake}}}} I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this crap especially at a time when you should be able to be totally self-absorbed and glowing. And I am being serious about that.

I don't know what to say about the family problems and I am a little confused. Did your brother move back to the town you grew up in and then developed the drinking problem? And I agree with you. I wasn't safe in a tiny little town either. At least in big cities we don't have such heavy blinders on.

{{{{love and light}}}}


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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ananke
post Feb 6 2009, 05:57 AM
Post #66


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 266


i've been away for a while, mostly dealing with pregnancy. I was really sick for a while - it's hard feeling so out of control. There's crap like having swollen genitals and i just get anxious about having physical arousal without an emotional component. I'm having to deal with a shit ton of fear as well, and the anxiety makes the physical crap worse.

But the latest crap is just too much this time. And liking your mother makes it so much fucking worse when she's a dick to you. It hurts because she doesn't do shit like this, but all of a sudden it's my fault they treated my brother like shit (short version - my brother stayed with my parents for longer than expected after he broke up with his girlfriend, and developed a pretty bad drinking problem. My parents decide that this is because he's becoming a junkie user like my uncle and start giving him shit - petty petty constant shit, that he's useless because he doesn't have a good job, doesn't earn a shit ton, doesn't have a new girlfriend blah blah blah, mostly from my father. So he gets a better job but moves back to the shithole we grew up, the place with massive drug/abuse/violence problems. Mum calls me worrying about it, and I let slip he's got bipolar. All of a sudden I should have said something when I first found out, because a 22 year old failing out of a course he loves, drinking too much and not leaving his room didn't ring alarm bells).

Particularly the fact they told me over and over and over again that I was wrong about the shithole we lived in. That I should have been grateful to live in a little community because 'we know who all the bad people are, it doesn't happen more, it's just more visible'. Bull-fucking-shit. It's 45 minutes from a department store. no local jobs above entry level. No high school. High drug use, domestic violence and assault rates. A culture of sexual predators. But hey, it wasn't the culture's fault that I'm the only person I know from the area who finished my degree and only four others have an actual career. And no drug habit. It wasn't the culture's fault that I lost four friends to drugs and running away with older men.

But now my brother goes back? Oh, suddenly it's a horrible place. Never mind the violence and harrassment and bullying I copped. Never mind the creepy old men that were fucking NORMAL because they didn't actually assault girls, they just leered. Never mind what I said.

But I should be more understanding, daddy has depression...his rants against crazy fucking losers and junkies and welfare frauds and whiners don't count. I should ignore that.

And she wonders why we don't tell them that we all have had diagnoses of depression.

*growls*

Anyway, as for flashbacks, I seem to get runs of them being bad. Unable to stop them bad. But I've found it's easier if I know I can't avoid it, then I'll think my way through it. Remember one bit, one section. I'm going to think about it anyway, but this way I don't get the full force. I do the distraction thing now it isn't as bad - if I feel it coming i get up and move and DO something. I find it's a lot worse if I'm passive - cooking was great before the morning sickness got bad. Otherwise I do something - clean, organise (slightly obsessively), write, anything that really makes me concentrate.
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deschatsrouge
post Jan 14 2009, 07:06 PM
Post #67


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Femmelawren)))), I have been able to turn off my flashbacks. It took a lot of practice. I do it by reminding myself that I get to decide what goes on in my head, it is my head after all. When I sense a flashback seeping into my consciousness I take a deep breath, I say to myself that I know what it is, I know what happens, and then I let it go. I remind myself I don't have to relive it if I don't want to. I have to ground my self into reality by taking in reality with my senses. Touching or looking at cement is my thing because it's everywhere, I feel it's roughness, and notice it's color and focus on the experience of it. If there is no cement then I touch or smell Mrs. Rouge. I suppose it you wanted to you could have a worry doll or a special object for this purpose. I may still feel a little sad, but then I remind myself it wasn't my fault. Some times there is a very strong trigger, and I don't stop it in time, but this hasn't happened in many years.

I'd like to say that it took me years of therapy to be able to do this. Perhaps you could find a PTSD specialist to help learn some coping mechanisms.

((((Tree))))


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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kittenb
post Jan 7 2009, 02:50 PM
Post #68


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


{{{{{{Treehugger}}}}}}} The obsession makes sense and I am happy to hear that this person's outsides are showing what her insides also look like.

{{{femmelawren}}} It sounds like you are in a very intense part of your healing and it is unfortunate that your therapist isn't up to the challange. I've never heard about the "turning off the lightswitch" thing. I wonder who that does work for. Are you having dreams or flashbacks? If they are flashbacks, meaning you are still awake while it is happening, there are some tricks that might work, such as focusing on breath, clapping your hands, anything that helps root you to the ground. Experiment until you find something. However, if they are dreamed memories...I don't know. I don't know how to control the actions of a dream.
As for your fiancee, have you tried asking her to just listen to you and not respond? Maybe she could write down her thoughts if she felt she needed to share them and you could read them at your own pace. How would that feel to you?
With regards to some percieved responsibility to report, that is up to you. If you decide that you want to, one suggestion is an anonymous report to a mandated reported in your or the abuser's area. Honestly, your therapist might be one. But if you call the RAINN hotline you will be directed to the rape crisis hotline in your area. This person should be a mandated reporter who has to file the details on child abuse. The number is 1-800-656-HOPE. Good luck!


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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femmelawren
post Jan 7 2009, 01:00 AM
Post #69


BUSTie
**
Posts: 11


hello everybody. I'm having a pretty rough time lately, dealing with the rape/torture I endured as a small child. My half uncle, who lived with us for the 6 years the abuse was taking place, got married a few years ago and had a baby boy, which disgusted me but I knew he only likes little girls so I somehow was able to live with myself. He had a baby girl in November and I have been a total wreck ever since I found out. My parents never knew about what happened until they accidentally found out after my grandfather's funeral, a decade after it finally ended. Now they say it wasn't my fault, I was 6 when it started, etc. but they do nothing but criticize me every time I speak to them, telling me I should have come forward, that they would have believed me, that I'm being a coward and basically giving him permission to rape his daughter by not doing anything about it now. I know intellectually that they're wrong and however I handle it is my business and is right as long as its the right choice for me, but in my heart I believe them. Part of me feels like I asked for this somehow and my decision not to tell anyone comes from my own shame for what I did. I don't remember things the way a lot of you have said you do. I remember every detail vividly as if I were in that moment, but my focus was always right on him. In his eyes. On making him happy, anticipating his needs and desires, to please him as best as I could. I didn't look at the ceiling or coffee pots or our surroundings at all. New memories have been resurfacing in technicolor detail. Before, I thought I remembered it all. I knew where every member of my family was every time. I knew what time of year certain things happened. I remembered everything as if it were yesterday. I could tell you what we had eaten for dinner, what my parents were watching on tv, and the fight I'd had with my sister each day. And there were countless days and nights. It wasn't just a handful or sporadic occurrences. But somehow, I have been remembering more, for the first time ever. Part of me thinks I made them up but they're too graphic to be nightmares. My therapist is useless. She tells me to turn off a lightswitch, as my 6 year old self, in the memory/dream/flashback/whatever, because in dreams the lights don't go off when you flip them, apparently. If I could control the events in the dreams/memories, I wouldn't be having them at all! I can't talk to anyone about this stuff in real life, because they all are too invested in it. My fiance is wonderful, and was a counselor for abused and abandoned kids for 10 years before she became ill and had to go on permanent disability, but she loves me too much to be anything but angry when I share these things with her. She just wants to kill him, which only makes me more anxious and stressed. I end up talking to my therapist about my relationship troubles with my fiance instead of the horrible flashbacks I'm grappling with because she aggravates me with these abstract theoretical rationales for everything I feel. I can't get a new one because I can't afford anything but my college counseling center and she's the sexual abuse counselor there. I waited 8 months to get an appointment with a local rape crisis counseling center but I stopped going there when my therapist tried to force me to take medication, which I seriously do not want to do. I feel better having vented here, because I feel like you are all so strong and amazing because we've all survived so much, somehow, and you're still living.
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treehugger
post Jan 6 2009, 08:48 PM
Post #70


cryostat bitch
***
Posts: 1,717


oh, gaaa. I found the profile of the one who gave me the brain injury, on facebook.

She is fat and ugly.

But, I am obsessed, I cannot click off of her picture. Blech.


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To block Steve's latest incarnation, Click Here.
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deschatsrouge
post Nov 6 2008, 01:39 PM
Post #71


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Data))))


--------------------
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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kittenb
post Nov 4 2008, 05:10 PM
Post #72


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


datagirl - gods I am so sorry I didn't respond sooner. What dechatsrouge said is dead on. Yes, you have been given an amazing tool to use while you heal but it still up to you when/how you use it. If you want to find someone to talk with I think that would be great. There is no need to "get over it" any sooner that you do. This is your time and you answer to no one.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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deschatsrouge
post Nov 4 2008, 02:56 PM
Post #73


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


QUOTE(datagirl @ Oct 29 2008, 09:39 AM) *
On one hand I have actual confirmation that it was never my fault,that I was sexually abused and that he abused the trust that myself and my parents had in him but the sexual abuse is now validated and it's very confusing and depressing.I should now be on the mend right? I should be in fucking healing mode right?


Some times I say the same thing, I should be okay, I should be better. Frankly, it doesn't work that way. Just because he said sorry, doesn't mean you have forgiven him and moved on. I don't think you should expect yourself to get over it just because he feels bad. Him feeling bad, just means he knows what he did was wrong, it does not mean that you are all of a sudden at peace with it, and well adjusted. No, It may or may not happen some day. What happened to you cut you deeply, don't "should" all over yourself just because he's sorry. Instead of "I should be over it", try" I should get over it when and however the hell I want"


--------------------
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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datagirl
post Oct 29 2008, 04:39 AM
Post #74


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


My brother sent me an email last Friday.It was only last night that I got the courage to read it.
He apologized. He knows what he did to me.He said that he's lived with the disgust and guilt for a long time.
He mentioned that he was going to write me a letter but never had the courage up until now.He then went on to say that he's a different person to the one he was then and that the thought of abusing his own kids disgusts him.
He showed the letter I wrote to him to his wife and therapist.He's working through it it seems.
He said that the abuse happened between the ages of 13-15 so I would have been 8-10 at the time.The fact he knew what ages we were is a huge thing because that helps with my memories of the abuse as in what was happening with my family at the time and everything around me.
I really can't believe he even responded but to have him email me with his remorse is so confusing.I have questioned the abuse at times (because he wasn't an adult when he abused me) so the email is ying and yang.
On one hand I have actual confirmation that it was never my fault,that I was sexually abused and that he abused the trust that myself and my parents had in him but the sexual abuse is now validated and it's very confusing and depressing.I should now be on the mend right? I should be in fucking healing mode right?
I feel angry.I feel powerless.I feel sad.I still feel abused. Like maybe he thinks that one email will suddently have me forgive him? I'm really fucked up about this right now.I guess I need to find someone to talk to because Im just so angry and bewildered.
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princess_dander
post Oct 27 2008, 11:53 AM
Post #75


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 263
From: Under the radar


Hey Elvisisvelvet that is amazing that you were able to overcome your fears and go out even when it may have felt a bit unsafe.

Cstars- I was raped by a boyfriend and had the same feelings you did. I had to see him everyday though and each time I knew I would see him I got sick to my stomach and wanted to pass out. For me it was because all three factors you mentioned, it ended badly, we were once close and then he raped me. I had no idea how to make sense of it and that was the hardest for me.

I'm not doing so well myself these days. I had a fling with someone who had personality traits similar to the ex I mentioned and it ended suddenly. He didn't rape me, but he shook my ability to try to get close to a man again and that really sucks. It brought back a lot of uncomfortable feelings and even though we stopped seeing each other over the summer, I feel more distant to everyone and everything than I have in years.

One of the things that happens when I get in these funks in my mother's voice comes back telling me how I am worthless and how no one including herself will ever love me that that seriously fucks me up because i believe it somedays and I just want it to go away and to feel strong again.

thanks for letting me vent ladies.


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always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
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deschatsrouge
post Oct 27 2008, 11:14 AM
Post #76


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


QUOTE(neurotic.nelly @ Oct 25 2008, 01:59 AM) *

I've been wondering what it would be like to actually like your mom, and how good and comforting and whole it must feel.


I would also like to know what it's like to actually like your mom, because I don't either.


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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neurotic.nelly
post Oct 24 2008, 08:59 PM
Post #77


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 460
From: the galatic center


In the past few weeks, I've had some very very very disturbing dreams about the past that aren't accurate in detail but all the major characters are there. The events that are occurring in these dreams are just awful and didn't happen. I HOPE! (I have fears of repressed memories surfacing)

So, I get triggered, and it lasts anywhere from a few minutes to a day. And then I'm fine, because I put in my work to heal this shit. I am proud of myself. But, when my mom calls, I get immediately triggered, and I start being a bitch to her for no reason, and she takes it because of our past, and I get off the phone feeling all kinds of contradictory emotions, pulling me in many directions.

I've been wondering what it would be like to actually like your mom, and how good and comforting and whole it must feel. I love my mom, but sometimes I really don't like her, and when I was a teenager I hated her for her silent consent to my abuse. For her neglect, and emotional abuse. I wish that I weren't triggered right now, because I actually enjoy little bits of time with her, here and there.


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Earth: A Satanically ran planet where 98% of it's inhabitants are unquestioning, conformist idiots who are totally controlled and manipulated by the Satanic governments of the world and have been made complacent by said governments, through rigorous brainwashing.
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datagirl
post Oct 24 2008, 07:52 PM
Post #78


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


I had an argument with my mother about the abuse yesterday.She phoned me at work wondering why she hadn't seen me in three weeks.Great timing!!
She told me that about a year ago she had invited my brother over to talk about the abuse telling him before hand that it was'of a very serious nature'. He admitted to my mum that he had 'done some things to me' as a child and that he never thinks about it now. When I asked my mother why she never told me about this little meeting she said that she was protecting me and that she wanted me to 'get over it'.
I was so pissed at her.I was about to break down at work but my anger just got in front.
So now she wants to 'protect' her kids? What the fuck?? Is there anyone sane on this earth?
She hardly took any action at all when my sister reported that she was being sexually abused by the neighbour.When I brought this up yesterday she said that she did everything she could (she never reported the abuse to the police though.It seems that the denial of the pedaphile at the time was enough for her!!!)
Then she went on the guilt trip at me and said that she had done everything she could for her kids ie she clothed,educated and fed us.
Pity she couldn't report a pedaphile.Pity she never believed my sister.

(((((Survivors)))) Yes.There are far too many of us.
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dj-bizmonkey
post Oct 23 2008, 12:35 PM
Post #79


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 431
From: the depths of my soul


*delurks*

QUOTE(auralpoison @ Oct 21 2008, 11:44 PM) *
MAJOR trigger. I found myself focusing on the coffee pot or whatever that shiny silver thing on the desk was. I remember just picking a spot out of the way that I could focus on so I could ignore what was happening to me. Mostly the sunflowers that grew just on the other side of the tall grass where things happened. And the way his hand closed over Joan's face. That hand for me was a BIG hand. Far too big for my little six year old face.


just reading both your post and roseviolet's post took me way back as well. i remember staring up at the ceiling, it had that textured, white popcorn look. i concentrated on the feeling of the cool, white wall against my palm. i would take my hand away and then slowly place each finger and then my entire palm back against the wall, focusing on the progression in the change in temperature. the room felt cavernous. i felt trapped, tucked away in the corner on this creaky, twin sized bed. creaking, heavy breathing, cool, white wall.

you are very brave, datagirl. i hope that writing and sending the letter has been healing at the very least.

i've dealt with the initial flood of emotion surrounding my rape. but it has been coming back in waves recently and i'm not sure what triggered it. i feel vulnerable and lonely. part of me wants to scream it out to everyone that i meet, but i know the reaction i get will not be what i'm seeking. confusion, or that sad, piteous look of some one who doesn't know what to say other than, 'i'm sorry.' i also feel shocked and appalled, especially when i come and read this thread. not because of what i read, but because of the sheer magnitude, the sheer number of survivors. then i think about my closest friends, where 5 out of 8 of us have been raped and abused. i feel like i'm spinning, wanting to blame something bigger, beyond just my rapist, because obviously, it isn't just him.


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"To lose everything at the edge of such a glorious eternity is far sweeter than to win by plodding through a cautious, painless, and featureless life."
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deschatsrouge
post Oct 22 2008, 01:54 PM
Post #80


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Data))))

It's awesome that you wrote that letter. It seems it took a lot of guts to write. I think it's quite an accomplishment to have ever written it, extra kudos for sending it.


--------------------
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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