[konphusion26]

deleted

[kittenb]

See that is the thing that I hadn't considered. When I asked him he said he isn't that close to the them so why would he have introduced me to them. Well, as he does dinner with them about every three weeks I assumed that he was close to them. I mean I see my parents once maybe twice a year but my mom and I talk all the time. I tisn't that big a deal for my friends to know my parents and if we lived closer know that he would have met them by now. Not as any big planned event, just in the course of things. I am getting the impression that things are more formal in his family.

As for the issue of "more"... it is hard to say what that means which is why I know it is unfair to expect him to achive a standard of it. I want more of him, more affection, more assurances. I feel like that old country song, "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man," but in reverse. If this makes no sense, I am sorry. I think what I mostly need to know is that I am doing this okay but I need to hear it from him.

As I said below I know a lot of this is my survivor shit coming up to the surface. It happens every so often. I just need to know that he can handle me even when I feel crazy. I need him to tell me that I am not too much. I feel like being in a relationship with me is work and while I know in my heart that I am worth the effort I want to hear it from him.

[nickclick]

how is his relationship with his parents? i mean, maybe it's not you that he's keeping from them, but vice versa.

[roseviolet]

Kitten, you say you want "more", but what does that mean? What exactly do you want?

I can understand your frustration about not meeting his parents, but maybe things are done dfferently in his family. Perhaps he's never formally introduced any of his girlfriends to his parents. Have you asked him about this?

[stargazer]

sorry that you are feeling stressed out. relationships bring out alot of issues for people. even good relationships. i hope you are feeling better.

[kittenb]

I know, you're right. I am being insecure. I know this but that isn't changing anything. I want to know more and I am making myself crazy.

I know a big part of this is all of my "survivor" stuff but the fact is, as long as he is dating me, he is dating a rape survivor. A mostly-healed-well-on-my-way survivor but a survivor nonetheless. I just have to keep reminding myself that my "work in progress" status does not destroy my ability to not screw this up.

And to answer your question, we are exclusive and have been for awhile. I think a lot of this is being fired up b/c everyone keeps asking me if I am having Easter dinner with his parents and all I can say is "No, haven't met them yet." He is not a place where he wants us to meet yet while I know that if my parents lived closer they would have met by now. It's bothering me.

[stargazer]

um, kittenb, what is he doing that communicates that he is not into you? or, that makes you question his level of interest in you? have you had the exclusive-dating talk or refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend?

just curious.

i can understand wanting some clarity.

[kittenb]

I need to vent for few here. Just to be clear, this is me talking no longer under the influence of any hormone altering drugs.

I just do not know where I stand with this guy. Yes, he seems happy, yes he is content but I am climbing the walls with frustration. How can we both be looking at the same calender and seem to see two totally different dates? For him 5 months is nothing big. He's been here before. For me, it is HUGE! And it bothers me that he doesn't get that. When I ask for a little clarity he seems annoyed, as if I should be as relaxed/mellow/unconcerned as he is. But I need more. I feel like I am the only one doing all the work here and taking all the chances. I need to know that he sees a future of some type. Otherwise, I don't get what we are doing. Are we working towards something? Are we just hanging out? What?!

All my life I have bounced b/w being "too much" for a person to handle or "not enough." But now I am tryin to be slower and patient and that just makes me unsure of myself. Like there are things I want to say but I stop myself for fear of making him uncomfortable. Why doens't he ever worry about making me comfortable?

Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with him? Everyone who sees us together says that it is obvious that he is into me. Why am I the one person who cannot see that?

Thanks for listening. BTW, before anyone tells me to relax please realize that if I could do that I probably wouldn't need to post here as much. I just don't know what I am doing and there is no guide book.

[missladyj]

chicken little,
on the band tip, I have been married to a musician/deejay/producer for 8yrs and trust is totally important. Women flirt with him in front of me or talk to him and ignore me and I think it is funny. I tease him about it / but the bottom line is that I trust him and he trusts me. I let him handle it because I know he can. Women are gonna flirt with him and you just have to remember that you're the one he comes home to, not them. good luck!

[kittenb]

I have to add to the "good luck!!!!" zora. I also agree that you talking w/him is for the best. I hope it works out.

[nickclick]

good luck zora!

[zora]

We're driving down to California and I think I'm going to bring up the topic then. It's a long drive and we have a lot to talk about. Thank you all for your advice.

[beck]

zora - yikes!

if it's something you could've guessed (like, you're going to Paris and going up the Eiffel Tower!), could you make a joke about it like 'you'd better not propose to me or anything', so he can rethink his plans without losing face? might lead to a discussion naturally.

btw, totally get the sick feeling! personally i would hate that kind of public proposal, even if i was dying to get married, i would resent being put on the spot like that. (i don't really like surprises)

good luck!

[chickenlittle]

thanks, zoya and edie- much appreciated. we've talked and he gets it, i think, and i get the whole band thing....sometimes, even with my own life and my group of girls and all that, it's still difficult. It was good to vent and I absolutely hear what you're saying. Thank you.

zora- i agree with dusty. I think it would be best to speak with him honestly before you end up in a situation you don't like, regardless of the particulars.

[dusty]

No, I think you should find a way to tell him yourself before he pops the question. I think that's really important. And that way you get to make sure you tell him all the right reasons. Find yourself in front of a magazine rack with a gorgeous wedding dress on the cover of a magazine or something.

[nickclick]

i was going to ask the same thing, zoya..... are you not ready for marriage with him, or just not ready yet in this point of your life? a long engagement is possible, but only if that's what you want... not because you don't want him to feel embarrassed or bad.

did you hear about it from someone else? i ask because maybe the someone else could return the favor and spread the news to wait back to your bf.

[edie52]

Eep, zora, how do you know?

I guess you should try to make it clear to him before this all goes down that you're not ready for marriage. In trying to do that it may become obvious that you know, but I guess that's better than the alternative.

Do you want to marry him someday? Could you be one of those couples who are engaged for a few years before tying the knot? Or do you not feel comfortable with that?

[zora]

I have a horrid question and I hate to ask it.
My boyfriend is going to propose to me next week in a very public place. I don't want to say yes right now. We've talked about marriage but I don't think either one of us is ready for it. I don't want to say "no" and risk embarassing him and ruing our trip, but I don't want to say "Yes" and then tell him later.
I have a really sick feeling in my stomach about this.
And I'm really sorry to barge in on the conversation like this but I am a little freaked out.

[edie52]

Chickenlittle, I would find that really hard as well. I think it is a good sign, though, that he stopped the flirting in the interest of getting back together with you. But very frustrating, I imagine, that things are now back to how they used to be.

I dated a guy in a band once. This never became a huge problem but I did have some issues with it. The way I saw it, being friendly to people who come up to talk after a show is perfectly understandable when you think of it in terms of promotion- refusing to talk to people or being cold could get you labeled an asshole (not that that's always a bad thing in the rock world- but in the independent scene forging connections is very important). But there's a difference between being friendly and flirting- though sometimes it's a fine line.

I also agree with pretty much everything zoya said- especially about building your own life. That is kind of a relationship ideal that I have for myself that I still haven't completely lived up to. It's something I'm constantly working on because I know a few people with relationships like that and they seem to be happy, healthy, and often last for years.

You said that you've "never done more than flirt with a cute bartender." I agree that that's pretty innocent... but I'm also becoming aware of the fact that our perceptions of our own actions vs. our partners' can be very different. I'm not a huge flirt, but of course I enjoy talking with or getting attention from attractive men. Yet I don't think twice about it making him uncomfortable (like you) because I know that I'm 100% devoted to my boyfriend. Meanwhile, I see my bf has asked an acquaintance out for coffee and I'm already playing our breakup out in my head. You may be perceiving it as less innocent than it is. My point is that it seems like he's devoted to you, so for the most part all you can do is trust him (and take all of zoya's advice!).

[zoya]

chickenlittle - on the band tip - get used to it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but as someone who's dated a couple guys in bands and have many guy friends in bands, the girls aren't going to go away. All of the guys I know who are in bands who have girlfriends or are married, are completely faithful to their wives, but the fact is, there is something about bands that make girls (and guys) want to hang around. and there is something about guys in bands that is appealing to a lot of girls. Most girls won't take it beyond just talking to a guy in a band, some do try to push it and don't give a damn if the guy is attached. I think that the whole thing lies in the strength of your relationship, and also how the guy handles it. All the guys I know in bands just talk to anyone as if they were out, outside the band, just talking to whoever. And they'll handle it tactfully yet firmly if a girl tries to push it. (and most of them will drop in the convo that they have a girlfriend if that warrants) But it sounds like you know all this..

The only thing I can suggest is that you don't push him on the flirting thing - yes, you can address it and say that certain things bug you, but I wouldn't go overboard. I'd say 1) focus on the relationship between you two, and build that. Do things together and all that other stuff that fosters you growing closer. A strong, healthy relationship will be far more attractive to a guy who is into you (and wants to be in a relationship, which he obviously does) than some random flirtation. 2) build your own life. I'm sure you already have your own life, work, things you like to do.. build that even more. Take a class, go to the gym, whatever. Don't do it at the expense of all your time with him, but focus on staying you. The healthiest relationships I see with guys in bands & their girlfriends are where the woman is strong and has her own life. Which is important, because the guy is doing music, playing, etc so much. and remember - if he's really serious about his band and music, which is sounds like he is - his music is always going to come first. It's just how it is. I don't think that's necessarily bad, it's just something to remember. and 3) cultivate some great girl friends. When you go to one of his gigs, make sure you have some of your girlfriends around to have fun with. Then you won't get bored off your ass while they're loading out afterwards, you won't have so much alone time to think about the girls who want to talk with him, you'll have some fun with your girls, and when you're hanging out with friends and having fun, just being your independent self that chooses to be with your cool man, your confidence exhudes. and that is sexy as hell, so other girls watch out!

anyway, I don't know if that helps, but I felt compelled to respond from experience.

oh, and just for the record, I'm really bad too.. I don't think I ever got used to it. Granted, I was dealing with other shit in the relationship that was putting a huge strain on it, so the whole band / girl thing just added to my insecurity and stress... but it wasn't the cause of it.