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> The Scary Playground of Life - The Bullied Thread
Persiflager
post Aug 9 2010, 03:12 AM
Post #1


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Roleplay it with someone you trust! Husband or friend, could you ask someone to help you? Start with a script of mean things they say, then work through your responses and the different ways they can react. Maybe you can make them wear a silly hat while they're doing it, or an insulting sign or name-tag - how about 'Miss TwatBrain' or 'My breath smells of monkey dung'?


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arkadystar
post Aug 6 2010, 07:55 PM
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QUOTE(auralpoison @ Aug 6 2010, 01:46 AM) *
*bump*

Dunno how far back you might have gone in the archives, but this seemed useful . . .


Auralpoison, you just saved my day (and many more days in my life...). Thanks, this is perfect!
Hi people, I'm a newbie, and I just joined to talk about my workplace bullying, except I couldn't put it into words exactly until Auralpoison just did so for me.
I have read some of the recent thread here, and the Workplace Bullying link and the Oprah links. Wow, these are great! I feel so much better. I have been working with two bullies, who are peers, at a university for three years. Last night one of them really set me off, I felt terrible that I was so affected by a fairly minor thing, and then had a big fight with my husband about it, which only made me feel worse. So this thread is a godsend at this moment in time.
Everything makes sense to me now. I was bullied as a child, but I thought that was so far behind me - now I see that my reactions to these bullies are understandable, and I can throw off a burden I've been carrying around almost since the beginning: the idea that I am paranoid, weak, or otherwise responsible for inviting, creating, or imagining this harassment. What a revelation.
Has anyone had success in improving their confrontation skills? Does this book "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" help you or any other similar resources? I find that I instinctively agree with or ignore my attackers even though internally I am laughing at how silly they are or simply disagreeing. I spend nights thinking of things I wish I had said out loud. Any tips on how to get better at saying those things up front?


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Heroism is a matter of integrity--becoming more and more at each step ourselves. - Joseph Campbell
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auralpoison
post Aug 6 2010, 12:46 AM
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*bump*

Dunno how far back you might have gone in the archives, but this seemed useful . . .

QUOTE(venetia @ May 14 2006, 06:11 PM) *
It sounds like recognisable workplace bullying to me, Runningwestward. Bullying is really freaky, not least because you believe it's somehow you not the bully, and that if you just "deal" it will be okay. But actually it's recognised these days as a form of harrassment, and it's more or less illegal.

Maybe if you get hold of a book like The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self Defense At Work it will help you formulate answers to the bully which let him know that you consider his behaviour inappropriate and bullying, and that you want him to stop. For some reason rehearsing words from a book helps me because that way it's not such a personal investment as in my own words.

You may need a formal record that the man's behaviour is a problem for you, so you'll need to make a note to a supervisor or boss. Not necessarily a complaint, just let them know that for the record you have asked X to (for eg) stop making personal remarks to you or engaging in other bullying behaviour.

Also you need to keep a log of what he says and does, and when, and maybe a brief sentence about any measurable effects it had (eg in that case, by bringing up his problem at an inappropriate time he hindered your ability to concentrate onthe difficult job at hand). This will quite quickly reveal a distinct pattern to his behaviour, and will be invaluable if it gets to the point where you have to make a formal complaint.

Also if you dig around you'll probably find the rules that your lab is supposed to follow.

I'm not trying to suggest that you should take responsibility for his behaviour (that's probably something he himself thinks). But, he's a hazard to you at the moment and you will need to take steps to protect yourself from him.

A few years ago I was being bullied and sexually harrassed at university, and for the longest time I thought it was "just me", my fault (for years! for like, three years!). Then when I found out that the guy had been doing it to other women too, I realised and we made a complaint. It's much easier for me to act on protecting others than myself. The guy basically was removed from campus and I haven't seen him since.

Reading the workplace bullying resources online it was really strange for me because the descriptions of behaviour were striking chords - it was like, wow, this is a real, recognised thing, it's not just me, it's not my fault, and it's not all in my head!





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auralpoison
post Jul 22 2010, 02:12 PM
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Phoebe Price case even more complicated than the media has let on.


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auralpoison
post Apr 20 2010, 09:40 AM
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The main Fatshionista gal, Lesley, was turned onto a bit o' writing she did back in the day & is serialising it on the site. She's only posted once, but so far it's been interesting: Whipping Girl.


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auralpoison
post Apr 16 2010, 07:51 PM
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Eighth grader hospitalized after months of bullying.


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auralpoison
post Mar 29 2010, 10:24 PM
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Another update on the Phoebe Price case, kids are actually being charged. But no faculty or admin even though they were aware of the abuse & did nothing to prevent/stop it.


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koffeewitch
post Mar 26 2010, 07:40 AM
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Thanks much anarch; those are great places to look... I had been looking at labor law sites and getting nowhere.


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anarch
post Mar 24 2010, 05:43 PM
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koffeewitch, I think you're right that if your partner won't get much help from the law here.

Have you come across the Workplace Bullying Institute? Looks like a decent resource. I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but under the "What We Offer" sidebar, clicking on "phone counselling" brings up a page where they say they charge $50/hour to listen to your situation and give expert advice. Maybe you can find their book The Bully At Work in a local library?

metafilter thread on "workplace mobbing." Somebody in there posted a link to BullyOnline (free help line but only for UK residents) -- UK context only but possibly they might talk about helpful ways to tackle the problem.

Good luck.
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koffeewitch
post Mar 24 2010, 02:56 PM
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Does anybody know the legalities of being bullied by a supervisor in the workplace? My partner's supervisor is such a bully to the people he dislikes (i.e. anyone short, vegetarian, politically progressive, etc.) that many of the best employees have walked off the job after years of excellent service because of the bullying. My partner is afraid to call off sick regardless of how sick/injured he is because of his boss' harassment and then there is all the petty, childish stuff. The assholes cut up a bunch of bacon into tiny pieces and hid it in Mr. KW's food. Ha, ha. To me that's about as funny as hiding shit in somebody's food. This douche is pushing 40 years old, I would think he would have outgrown tormenting vegetarians, Muslims and Jews by hiding pork in their food, but apparently not.
Then there is the constant name-calling, belittling, intimidation tactics, etc.

The only employment law I see applies only to businesses with over 500 employees (which this place is def. NOT ). Is there any protection in the workplace from harassment other than sexual or discriminatory as defined by EOE?


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auralpoison
post Mar 5 2010, 02:24 PM
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Nasty little cyber-bullying bitch may get comeuppance. And I'm glad. Somebody needs to teach these nasty little people a lesson. I do think five years is a bit much, but I hope she at least gets the full fine & an assload of comm service.


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culturehandy
post Feb 25 2010, 12:51 PM
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GGG, thanks for the update. I'm curious to see if the police and DA's office are going to follow up with this.


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girlygirlgag
post Feb 24 2010, 11:17 AM
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Update in Phoebe's case.
http://www.thebostonchannel.com/education/...ail.html?hpt=T2

I feel so badly for these kids. I have been bullied and I have bullied. It's a vicious cycle of sink or swim. I finally clued in to how stupid and useless high school was in 10th grade, started making amends,physically confronting my bullies, and preparing for college. I wish I could talk to these kids and tell them how meaningless high school is, and though it hurts now, it is so short, while life is so long and great.




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culturehandy
post Jan 30 2010, 05:40 PM
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I'm disgusted with that sort of thing. It's so heart breaking and who would fucking brag that they aided in a suicide of a girl?? You going to brag to your fucking kids about that? hey, guess what I did when I was in high school, I bullied a girl so relentlessly that she ended up committing suicide. Yah, there's something to fucking brag about.

when I went to high school, that didn't happen and if that sort of thing did happen, teachers would step the fuck in.


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auralpoison
post Jan 30 2010, 02:19 PM
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Between shit like this & that little gal getting gang raped at a dance out in California, I am beginning to weep for the future. No accountability, no responsibility.

I was talking about this with some guys & they were all, "There's two sides to every story". BULLSHIT. I know the politics of the Mean Girl playground. NEW girl moves to town. NEW girl is PRETTY & exotic by school standards. NEW PRETTY girl has a fling with a guy that according to Mean Girl rules should be beyond her grasp. Mean girls mobilize & begin their Machiavellian maneuvers to systematically ruin girl's life. They get away with it because nobody is willing to rat them out because they don't want to wind up facing the same fate.

And teachers seemed to be absolutely oblivious to it all. The old bat that taught the English class that the girl I mentioned down the page & I were in with the Mean Girls? Had to have just been completely ignoring what was going on. It was a constant, systematic soul-crushing day in, day out. Even after I excused myself to go get D from the bathroom where she had been hiding & where she had cried herself to sleep, the teacher ignored her red eyes & tear stained face. Even the grown ups wouldn't ruffle the Mean Girls' feathers.


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zoya
post Jan 30 2010, 01:18 PM
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that is just so fucked up - and the whole "there are three investigations going on" WTF? How the fuck hard is it to see what has happened, and believe the kids who tell the adults about it?
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auralpoison
post Jan 30 2010, 09:50 AM
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The frequency with which this kind of shit is happening is disturbing to me. Girls torturing other girls for no other reason than they can. And then having no remorse & actually BRAGGING about the misery they have caused.


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ululah
post Jun 21 2009, 09:39 PM
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Been getting bullied a little lately. Thought I was way past the age where I could expect such behavior from people sad.gif. It feels good to read this thread and know I'm not the only one who's had to deal with it.
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lunia666
post Jun 10 2009, 05:33 PM
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QUOTE(thirteen @ Jun 10 2009, 01:29 AM) *
When I think about my entire time in school, I find myself relating to Carrie White, minus the telekinetic powers. In band class, the boys often spat all over my chair and backpack while I was out of the room, and then laughed when I had to go fetch paper towels to clean it up. Kids called me a witch and put gum on the handle of my locker, made fun of my small size, stuck garbage in the hood of my jacket as I walked around....One girl even pretended to be my friend and invited me over to her house, and I summoned up all my courage and stayed over one week-end. We had a lot of fun and I felt really optimistic, but the following Monday at school my "friend" went around making fun of me and telling everyone that I had an eating disorder and had gone to her bathroom to vomit several times. It was not true at all, and it just crushed me. After a couple of nervous breakdowns I ended up dropping out of school.

To this day I feel sick and nervous when groups of young people walk past me, laughing. The first thought that crosses my mind is that they are making fun of me, which I know is not true.

However, I have noticed that those who were considered "weird" or "outcasts" in school turn out to be the most beautiful, radiant and intelligent adults!!!! All that negativity just comes back to the people who put it out there.



I feel the same way when ever I hear people laugh behind me I can't help but think there laughing at me. I was picked on thru out middle school. Teased because I was over weight, I didn't dress like everybody else what ever they could reason they could find. My last year I thought I had made a good friend in a new girl. She would call me everyday and we went to the movies etc.. One day she sent me a note saving she no longer wanted to be my friend and not to talk to her anymore. She then told everybody I was to fat and ugly to every have a boyfriend and would be alone for ever sad.gif. I can tell you it had a dramatic effect on the rest of my life. Almost 15 plus years later I don't feel I can trust anybody and I worry what people think and say about me. I wonder sometimes if those people ever think about what they did to me but only for a min then I go on with my life smile.gif.
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thirteen
post Jun 9 2009, 08:29 PM
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When I think about my entire time in school, I find myself relating to Carrie White, minus the telekinetic powers. In band class, the boys often spat all over my chair and backpack while I was out of the room, and then laughed when I had to go fetch paper towels to clean it up. Kids called me a witch and put gum on the handle of my locker, made fun of my small size, stuck garbage in the hood of my jacket as I walked around....One girl even pretended to be my friend and invited me over to her house, and I summoned up all my courage and stayed over one week-end. We had a lot of fun and I felt really optimistic, but the following Monday at school my "friend" went around making fun of me and telling everyone that I had an eating disorder and had gone to her bathroom to vomit several times. It was not true at all, and it just crushed me. After a couple of nervous breakdowns I ended up dropping out of school.

To this day I feel sick and nervous when groups of young people walk past me, laughing. The first thought that crosses my mind is that they are making fun of me, which I know is not true.

However, I have noticed that those who were considered "weird" or "outcasts" in school turn out to be the most beautiful, radiant and intelligent adults!!!! All that negativity just comes back to the people who put it out there.
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