[doodlebug]

(((((freckle)))))

Did you ever hear my song, Mama Says? It's a true story, about my mom, the morning we left my dad.

[girltrouble]

do please be safe freck. and please start those plans. you mean way to much to me. can you ask him not to be physical with you in any way that is not loving because it frightens you? could you tell him that x(poking, grabbing etc) wasn't loving if it came to that?

[freckleface7]

((((((busties)))))))) thank you all so-much for the love. it's exactly what I've needed right now as it's been a rough day of tears (at long last) & thought.
if things don't change drastically, I'll have to either leave or seriously harm him & I really don't think jail looks all that inviting.

he does seem different since his last deployment, worse, but this is a cycle that has been on/off throughout the 17 years we've been married only the twist this time is the increasing physicality of it.
I'm not petite and have learned quite a bit about hand-hand fighting through him over the years but there is no question that if ever he wanted to, he could harm me easily. the things is- if I fought back in a serious manner I'm afraid the situation would escalate quickly.

as for therapy " I don't need someone to Tell Me what to think." that was as recent as tuesday afternoon.

.. I want to be protected and safe but am realising that it is up to ME to make that happen for myself & frecklette and I need to be ready (financially, logistically, etc) before I take that step bc there is no going back.
in the meantime I am carrying the # for the domestic hotline hidden in my purse so if need be, I can get frecklette & myself to a safe place in the immediate.
this is not what I want. this is not what I signed up for but like it or not, this is my life.


ch: if you say " beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice" 3 x's in a row does it make it go away?
I named my fat roll Stan when I was working out at the gym & I agree- bizzare or not- it Does work.

((((((busties))))))

[koffeewitch]

(((Busties)))

Confession: Somewhere in this house I have some old-ass ecstacy stashed away from the last rave I attended (2007). Every so often this knowledge worms its way into my brain and I wonder if I can roll at night, and still function in the morning to run our homeschool. I haven't tried it yet; please no calls to children's services.

Confession: I also named my (rather severe at times) depression. I call it the Beasties. Beetlejuice is better (nod to Culturehandy). It gives the depression far less power than something scarey like "beasties". Maybe I should change my depression's name to Frank or Debbie, or something innocuous.

[sevenseconds]

(((rose, rogue, sassy, all)))

((((freckle))))
"deployed?" Again, i don't know the story, have no right to advise, but I can't read your posts without wanting to get in a car and drive over there, and just sit and GLARE at him. So he knows people are watching him. Is he in therapy? Don't people who get deployed get counseling free and even... obligatory?
Please post more, Freck?

[coffeebean]

(((hugs to all confessing busties)))

((sassy)) sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time with your bridesmaid right now. I went through a lot of bridesmaid drama myself when I was planning for my wedding as well. Sometimes it can feel as though you are doing everything you can to include them in the process but that they actually don''t want to be part of the process. I actually went wedding dress shopping myself on several occasions and then just made one group outing so that the girls could see the final picks and help me with the decision regarding which one to choose. Not the way I thought that it would be but I actually found that going myself was easier than I thought. I could put dresses on, take my time, take them off and put them on again if I liked because I didn't care if the sales person had to wait but I did care about making my friends wait

I also suspect if the break-up with your friend and her bf is fresh - she is going to be me me me for a while - especially if she is stating that the break up is making her feel very vulnerable/suicidal. Most people don't state things like that - jokingly or not - unless it is pretty emotionally dire. They usually want help because they are serious or at the very least are asking for emotional support (although you know her better than I do obviously). Perhaps with a little emotional support she could come around a little more quickly and then wedding dress shopping with you would seem like more of a 'fun outing to get her mind off of the breakup' rather than 'something she has to do.'

[sassygrrl]

((((rv))) The same thing has happened to me lately with one friend. She got a job with the CDC and I get she's busy with the HINI crisis right now, but it seems she's just dumped me. Yet when she was unemployed we were acting like best friends. Even time I call her to even invite her to coffee or something she makes up some excuse. So she's not coming to my wedding.

((rogue)) I'll see you in the depression thread.
(((freck))) Please be safe. I was engaged to an abusive man 5 years ago. He ended up hurting me.
((gt)))

Confession: Upset with my bridesmaids today. We were just supposed to go dress shopping today. I got a vm from her saying she broke up with her current boyfriend, and is acting all me me me. She even told me she was going to kill herself. I'm worried, but she tends to be a drama queen.I know I shouldn't be pissed, but I consider even laughing about killing yourself a very bad thing. Also, I really don't want to go shopping by myself for my dress.
I'd just feel depressed about it. She keeps putting me off.

Confession: I hate seizures.

[culturehandy]

((((rosey))) some people are just assholes. I say you have events and don't invite them. Pecker heads.

((((rogue)))) we have a depression thread you might want to check out.

((((gt))))

((((freck)))) the misters behaviour worries me. I'm worried about your safety. Not to make any excuses, but did something happenw while he was deployed that may have pushed him to start bad behaviour again?? Please, be safe.

confession: ever since I named my depression Beetlejuice, is has made the world of difference to me.

[pollystyrene]

(((freck)))
(((gt)))
(((rose)))

[freckleface7]

confession: the mr is pushing harder now on the emo-abuse front and getting ,as is his pattern, progressively physicaly agressive again (hard pokes, squeezes "play" flat fisted slugs) & I honestly think it's a combination of both that his male sperm-donor will be here for T-day so he can show him that 'just like dad' - he's the MAN over his woman too! and that I am getting out & about & making real life (as opposed to online) friends & doing things that make me happy.
my confession is: how the FUCK did I ever marry this jackass & why can't he stay the good, decent guy I fell in love with?

confession: beyond my extreme, I will cut your fuckin' balls off if you push me too far fury, is a scared, wounded & abused child who thinks not again.
it hurts, so. much.

last confession: I am starting to think that as a result of being abused as a child, and now this with the mr, I am afraid I might honestly literally Snap & harm the mr.
it makes me want to go to the police & turn myself in pro actively to save him.

[rogue]

That does make sense, GT. Thank you for the suggestion because I honestly never thought of that. I think this is just a strange form of paranoia - two other friends on my FB have joined the event and I would never think that about them so why would they think that about me? I don't know, I guess it's just nervousness.

[girltrouble]

(((((rosey)))))) they are poop. i have a friend who is doing some thing similar. she got a job at microsoft, which is notorious locally for swallowing people when they get a permanent job there. i'm happy for her, it's her dream job, but she seems to forget me...


rogue? couldn't you just say you believe in the cause? that you want to add your support? that a childhood friend was suicidal? afterall, one doesn't need to be gay to support gay rights or have polio to support search for a cure.

[rogue]

((((RV))))

That sucks about your friends. I hate when people act like that! Maybe you could politely call them on their shit, if that's even possible? Just ask what is going on with them, maybe mention that you have been feeling a little left out by them lately (even if it's not entirely true and you just want to yell at them) and just ask what's up? Maybe it's all a misunderstanding? I have come to realize that it's usually never a misunderstanding, but sometimes giving someone the benefit of the doubt works wonders and making them feel a little guilty sometimes helps to soften someone up to the truth, even if it is kind of like playing dirty.

To Write Love On Her Arms is a support group for depression, suicide and self-injury. As a self-injurer, I just don't want people that know me personally to make any ties to it and me. I'm not ready for people I know in my non-online life to actually know about it. It's a part of me that I keep very, very hidden - even my best, closest friend since we were twelve years old doesn't know about it. If I were afraid that it would kill me I would tell them, but I'm not afraid of that; I don't actually want to kill myself. It's more of a coping mechanism. It's been a part of my life for seven years now. It still scares me to think that some people would figure that out about me by me "attending" the event. I have no scarring on my body from previous behaviour so I think people would just think I was faking/doing it for attention, but that's not the way of it at all. I feel that self-injury is a very misunderstood thing; that most people have the "cheer up, emo kid" outlook on it, when a lot of the time it's not like that at all.

[stargazer]

(((RV)))

CH, I've never heard of that day either. I found this on wiki about To Write On Her Arms.

[roseviolet]

((((((((((rogue))))))))))))))


Confession: I'm seriously annoyed with some so-called friends of ours. We used to have them over to our house all the time, but they've drifted away in recent months. Then a couple of months ago, they completely bailed on a birthday dinner for one of our good friends in order to go to the beach with other people (I only found out because photos popped up on Facebook). Now I find out that they had a Halloween party but didn't invite us. I don't understand why they don't feel they can incorporate us into their new group of friends. Why do they keep shunning us like this? Every time I think I'm over it, I find out something new and I get annoyed all over again.

Note that I think it's fine for them to have this other, new group of friends. I just don't understand why they can't be friends with us, too. It's really fucked up. I keep thinking about confronting them on their shit, but I don't have the nads to do it.

[culturehandy]

So, what is this day you speak of?

Why not just put everyone on a list so they don't actually see you are attending the event?

[rogue]

((((CH))))

I really want to say that I am attending "To Write Love On Her Arms Day" on Facebook but I am afraid that my entire list of peeps will see and finally figure out the real reason why I want to "attend" this day so badly, and that needs to be kept a secret. The Lounge is the only real place that I would feel even remotely comfortable talking about it, and for that ((((Busties)))). I'm going to "attend" anyway but I don't think I can announce it publically.

Sorry that this sounds cryptic. It makes me really nervous just thinking about it.

[culturehandy]

I'm back to being disgusted with most of humanity right now.

[freckleface7]

confession: I went to a sushi restauraunt for dinner tonight & out of pure desperation... ordered the ICE CREAM ! (ok it was fried ice cream, but still)

confession: I went bravely into the meetup group for the first time tonight & had a great time!

confession: I am pretty sure in the gaydary-y way that one of the women is going to/ 1/2 was, hitting on me.
- how do I feel about that? as I'm not the straightest of arrows (baby I got curves! ) I think probly ok but I'll have to think on it more.
interesting.

confession: as per my new re dedication to myself, I tried very hard to just be my real self tonight & think it went ok.

[lilacwine13]

I went to two parties on Halloween; one was a small gathering of my friends and their boyfriends, all of whom are much younger than me, and another one at a local bar where the clientele is more my age.

I had more fun at the first party than the second. I didn't see too many people at that one and those I did see were pretty shit-faced to the point where they didn't even recognize me.

Confession: I blew off helping someone with their computer because I was too tired and felt like being a hermit tonight.