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> Committed, Part 2, In a relationship and or marriage, not quite the loonybin.
modegirl
post Jul 31 2006, 02:21 PM
Post #1501


BUSTie
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Posts: 28


yeah, the jealousy thing. i think the critical thing about that one is to really step back and see is it anything he's doing? at all? (some men can be flirts, even if you know they never would cash in) or is it purely your thing? almost always, if it's me - the thing that sets me off is almost always something that i don't have. and it's not even relevant to whether he did anything. i.e. she's really athletic, and he likes athletic builds. i am not athletic. simple, yes.

one thing i know is the thing i've got to concentrate on for my thing with the money - i am really learning our differences and trying to add to making our process better. i think, in many ways i am better with money (except for making alot of it, obviously). with modeboy and i, i am the one who owns real estate, which we are selling to buy another for this big leap to family. he's always Made alot of money, but hardly has any (well part of this is his generous nature and/or his divorce). but he did introduce me to his financial planner, who is giving me good advice on what to do with my IRAs (which are a mess) - so it is a mutual learning thing.
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ms.gb
post Jul 31 2006, 12:48 PM
Post #1502


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 438
From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


totally normal, chickenlittle.

currently mr.gb has been trying to find other things to do at night since i am in nite class...which bugs me since i only get 'stories' of what happened instead of being there enjoying the fun. tonite is quiz nite at the pub. and i am going to be in class. bleh.


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"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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chickenlittle
post Jul 30 2006, 08:34 PM
Post #1503


BUSTie
**
Posts: 31
From: Le Big Apple


not to burst in after a while of not being here...but: it seems pretty much the norm to have that 2-year "is this what I thought it was?" moment of being 'mental.' i know i definitely got to that point around the 2-year mark with RoosterLittle, and many of my girlfriends seem to have done the same with their partners (male OR female, actually).

and whether it's marriage or a relationship or what, it's definitely sometimes a loonybin. i'm with you entirely on that one.

My most recent concern: jealousy and insecurity (on my part). It's getting old, I feel, often feeling insecure about his new friendships or working relationships with women I don't know. Or with women I *do* know, even. I'm doing my own thing and [mostly] trusting him. And yet...Argh.
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aliboo
post Jul 30 2006, 05:14 PM
Post #1504


BUSTie
**
Posts: 42


I think it is a pretty normal thing to happen from time to time and doesn't mean a serious problem is on the rise. A marriage or deeply committed relationship, I believe...to be long lasting...means you have to fall in love over and over again. Your feelings about the person aren't always going to be the same, except for the fact of course that you love them.

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pixiedust
post Jul 30 2006, 10:15 AM
Post #1505


Tink's Red headed Step Sis
***
Posts: 1,810
From: oklahoma


modegirl. Mr. Pixie and I still have for all intensive purposes seperate accounts. But he is on my account and will always let me see what is in his account(I haven't been put on it yete because of a hang up pretaining to me bankruptcy which I think has been worked out, we have just been too lazy to see if he can add me now. He makes more than me, but not obniously so...I can't really imagine him making 3 x's more money than me, but they way we have handled it is that all the bills come out of his account. And tehn we use my account for food, gas, entertainment and mad money. That way we both have some control over the unecessary spending.


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~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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sybarite
post Jul 30 2006, 06:23 AM
Post #1506


it's cards on the table time
***
Posts: 1,993


Never underestimate the impact of money, or lack thereof, and different spending habits on a relationship. It's an essential aspect of life so it is going to feature in any relationship. Like you modegirl, my mister-to-be earns more than I do, but has more outgoings. He already has a mortgage on a place (he rents it out) and has a child he pays maintenance for.

Right now, we have no joint accounts and I prefer it that way, because our spending habits are so different. We split everything down the middle although I sometimes cover for him on little stuff: food, cleaning stuff. I used to resent this but he has paid extra on bills in the past so I figure it all evens out in the end. Currently our only joint expenditure is shared vacations, which we budget for in advance. I think I'm better at managing my money day to day and short term saving, but he is better at long-term planning (hence the mortgage).

I always want to be in a position where I'm supporting myself financially within the context of the relationship although I recognise that when we get married and if we buy a place together our finances will inevitably merge. We're not currently planning on having kids which does make it easier.

I think my boy gets nervous because he thinks I don't plan enough for the future; I'm curently writing my Ph.D thesis so won't be in a good earning position until next year (although I support myself now with funding and a loan). I'm getting my head around making enough so that we can buy property together but it won't be my biggest priority until after I finish the Ph.D and get a good job. He's pretty busy at his job so for us these decisions can't be made for a year or so.
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modegirl
post Jul 30 2006, 02:01 AM
Post #1507


BUSTie
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Posts: 28


(waves on way into lounge) hi! it's been awhile since i was "committed"; it sounds like i've signed awat my rights hehheh.

i think that an essential part of a good partnership is communication, but also, the in-sync thing is really hard for me. i feel communication is very good between us on most things, and that we're pretty in-sync most of the time. the one issue that is driving me nuts is the money issue. why is it that it's the thing in a relationship which on one hand, means so much, but we all seem to act as if it means very little? well, or at least talk about it very little, in my experience. like how stuff gets paid for? lately, i've been feeling pretty weirded out about how money gets spent in our relationship. we've been together for about one and a half years and just got married about 3 months ago.

part of the weirdness has to do with the fact that he makes about 3x more money than me, so i feel alot like i get no say in terms of how money gets spent in our relationship. it's not like he pays for everything, though he pays for things i couldn't afford. lately, i've just been feeling as if he's not too upfront about opening up exactly how much money gets spent for what. it's become a bigger issue now that we're talking about buying the big purchases like real estate. i've began broaching him on what he spends his money on because, at the end of the day, he always seems strapped, but i feel he gets very defensive on how he spends money. he's very generous with me and with other people, but i am beginning to feel stressed out because our spending habits seem so incompatible. i've always been very self-reliant and although i don't make alot of money, i tend to save and think of the future alot - and though he doesn't exactly Not think of the future, i feel always that we're not on the same page. it's making me really nervous because we are talking about having children in the next year, and my quitting working for a few years, but i don't know how else to feel but nervous. unsure.gif

this is really the only thing in our relationship that is not absolutely wonderful and open, i might add, and i am really considering getting relationship counseling just on this.what does everyone else think about money in their committed relationship?
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girlygirlgag
post Jul 24 2006, 05:42 AM
Post #1508


Super BadAss
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Posts: 705
From: Your mom's house.


QUOTE(tesao @ Jul 23 2006, 08:30 PM) *

GGG-- you are SO not mental!!!

anxiety is normal. weird dreams are normal. just be sure to remember that that is ALL that they are: weird dreams. NOT reality. i've been told that characters in dreams represent different parts of YOU. i'm not sure that is always the case -- but i'm also sure that sometimes dreams are just dreams.

and you know what else? we ALL get into arguments over the really STUPID stuff!!! it is just part of what happens, in ANY truly close relationship. ever have any siblings? remember all of the STUPID arguments you got into with THEM??? same thing.

it will be all right, querida. smile.gif

*picks up crown from behind thread door*

here, darling. maybe you need this. to remind yourself what a princess you are. MWAH!




*gingerly picks up crown and puts it on head*

*sigh* I feel much better now!

((((tersao, laurenann))))))

Thanks Ladies!

We had a great weekend celebrating our anniversary! Sometimes we just need a night together to get back, ahem. "in sync" wink.gif


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Constantly on.
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laurenann
post Jul 23 2006, 09:09 PM
Post #1509


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 252


i have heard from lots of people and agree that it is normal to sway in and out of being as you said "in synch" with your partner. when i was younger those normal sways would get me all bent out of shape because i had low self-esteem and was not confident about the relationship status. i still can't totally control the "does he still love me?!" worries but the sensible part knows that everything is fine even if we go a day or two without much talking. especially if you and your partner are both dealing with anxiety or depression or one of the zillions of emotional disturbances our generation seems to collectively possess it is natural that you would both have those types of ups and downs.


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tesao
post Jul 23 2006, 02:13 PM
Post #1510


olha, que coisa mais linda.....
***
Posts: 1,361
From: somewhere south....VERY south


GGG-- you are SO not mental!!!

anxiety is normal. weird dreams are normal. just be sure to remember that that is ALL that they are: weird dreams. NOT reality. i've been told that characters in dreams represent different parts of YOU. i'm not sure that is always the case -- but i'm also sure that sometimes dreams are just dreams.

and you know what else? we ALL get into arguments over the really STUPID stuff!!! it is just part of what happens, in ANY truly close relationship. ever have any siblings? remember all of the STUPID arguments you got into with THEM??? same thing.

it will be all right, querida. smile.gif

*picks up crown from behind thread door*

here, darling. maybe you need this. to remind yourself what a princess you are. MWAH!
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girlygirlgag
post Jul 18 2006, 01:01 PM
Post #1511


Super BadAss
***
Posts: 705
From: Your mom's house.


I think sometimes I let my dreams bug me too much or read into them too much. I keep having these dreams where he is gone, or is leaving, but it is like we were never together in the dream. I know it is the anxiety of how we are coping with the new schedule, etc, but it bothers me when I wake up and through the day.

Then I feel like I am more likely to get into an argument with him over stupid stuffbecuase I have anxiety!


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Constantly on.
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pixiedust
post Jul 18 2006, 12:26 PM
Post #1512


Tink's Red headed Step Sis
***
Posts: 1,810
From: oklahoma


I think any time you make a big life change it affects your relationship for a little while. Mr. Pixie and I have lived together about a year now, and since getting married in April it's amazing all the little things we find to argue about that we didn't bother with before. I think it is just the fear of change and resistsance to change that rears it's head. We had a rough couple of days, but we're good now.

I don't think you can be insynch 24/7. It would get old. I still struggle with depression issues and there have been times I've had to say, I love you, but I just need to be alone to wallow in my own self pity for a little while...it has nothing to do with you. You can make me feel better later.


--------------------
~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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sybarite
post Jul 18 2006, 11:41 AM
Post #1513


it's cards on the table time
***
Posts: 1,993


The mister and I drift in and out of being in synch with each other too (living together 2 years). If he's away for a few days I miss him like mad, then he comes back and I'm a little 'who are you again?' despite myself. It usually takes us a few days of being together again to feel close.

You may simply be adjusting to working away from home again, and to how that changes your time with him. I wouldn't worry; what you're saying sounds very normal to me.
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ms.gb
post Jul 18 2006, 11:18 AM
Post #1514


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 438
From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


you're not mental......

mr.gb and i just got past the 2 year mark...i was fighting 'it', whatever 'it' was; for a while. dunno why. stupidity i guess. but we are so insynch right now, its funny. but we get out of synch every week, almost everyday....neither of us are big on communication...which is a big issue...so we both make an effort to make sure we both have the same info to make decisions from.

between the day to day living, work, school, etc. its hard to keep it together...

just my 2 cents.


--------------------
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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girlygirlgag
post Jul 18 2006, 09:22 AM
Post #1515


Super BadAss
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Posts: 705
From: Your mom's house.


Do you ever feel, like someitmes you are drifting apart?

I think i may be over analyzing things, and maybe because I am adjusting to a new job, but I feel like over the past two weeks, we have been just kind of seperate? Iknow it has a ot to do with the fact that I am working from an office now, that I actually have to commute and not from home. But working from Home was bad, because we both did to an extent, os it was crowded. Plus, he hates TV and I adore it, thererfore I woudl procrastinate to watch some daytime crap, which drove him nuts. But, I still felt close to him.

Our two year anniversary is tomorrow.

I am mental.


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Constantly on.
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