[spot-on]

Update, I gave him limited access to my profile as per Pants advice. Seems like he has changed and settled down a lot from what I've seen, But I can't trust him.

[sassygrrl]

Spot-on, I agree with Star's solution.

As far as my parents having his numbers, I just think they don't want to lose control. I think they're freaked out that I don't call them enough. It's part of them freaking out because I know have a life and will soon be married, and they can't deal with it. I don't really think at has anything to do with them having his phone numbers. It's fine with them having them in case of emergency. They're just classic Type A control freaks, and I've been used to this all my life. They just tend to be very much spreading my business in their small community (everyone including complete strangers knows my health problems, and know too much about Mcgeek. I find that very personal.). It's very annoying, and I've told them to stop numerous times but they don't.

[stargazer]

I'm conflicted. On one hand I figure it's over 20 years let it go, you've moved on, he's an old man, give him this chance to make things right before it's too late. On the other hand I figure fuck you, you were never there, I already have a father who was more of a Dad to me than you ever could have been and I feel like I'd be kicking my step dad in the face if I accept the request. There is also this a part of me that will always be that little girl wanting her father, but each time she lets him in emotionally he abandons her.

spot-on, if you don't feel comfortable with your biological father as a friend on fb, then don't add him as a friend. You do have control in this situation. If you want to maintain some contact with him, you can let him know that it is good to hear from him and give him your email address. Pants' suggestion was a good one too.

sassy, sorry to hear the holidays was difficult with your mom. I don't think there is anything wrong with your folks having Mcgeek's cell and work number for medical emergency reasons considering your health issues. Is there something else that worries you about your folks having his numbers?

(((Babs)))

[Babsalicious]

Spot-on, maybe as a compromise between your wariness and your desire to give him a chance you could just give him limited access to your profile. That way you would be in touch but he wouldn't have full access to your details and info. And you could keep an eye on what he's doing and who he's become and that might help you decide how much you want/need him in your life.

yes..I agree...(((hug)) to everyone.

Ill be back in a day or two to vent as im here visiting my inlaws in Florida now.
Dang.

[sassygrrl]

(((everyone)))

One of the reasons the last couple of years I've stayed away from family functions on Thanksgiving is due to my mom's criticisms on my weight and eating. This did happen recently when they were up to see Mcgeek and I though. The first thing she said to me was that I hadn't lost any weight knowing full well that I'm on medication which makes it hard for me to lose weight. She even asked if I was getting back on a diet today. This is one HUGE reason why I really don't want her there to go wedding dress shopping with me. She is thinner than me, but is always on some sort of crazy fad diet(which I have told to no end are bad), and she drinks.

So my parents just called me to get Mcgeek's numbers (cell and work) so they could get in touch with me in case of emergency. I hadn't called them in a few days for a reason! I get that I have a seizures and they were concerned about my health, but I found it a bit weird. Maybe this is dealing with them losing control due to the wedding.

[pants]

Spot-on, maybe as a compromise between your wariness and your desire to give him a chance you could just give him limited access to your profile. That way you would be in touch but he wouldn't have full access to your details and info. And you could keep an eye on what he's doing and who he's become and that might help you decide how much you want/need him in your life.

[spot-on]

Ok so I have an issue I need advice/to vent on.

Brief family history: My biological father was basically a deadbeat, he did prison time and even as my grandad walked my mom down the aisle he told her that she didn't have to marry him. Anyway he and my Mom divorced when I was younger. He often never turned up for his visitation days, and basically shit kicked off between us and at age 11 I told him I didn't want to see him anymore and he basically went straight, settled down with a new woman who already had a ton of kids and never put a foot wrong with the law after that.

I saw him once again around age 17 strained conversation, he thinks everything is ok, and tells stories I know are bullshit. I humor him in order to end the conversation and remove myself from the situation.

The last time I saw him was 10 years ago. I'd just gotten married and we were about to leave the country to go live in America. He asked for me to go for coffee with him, and I did. I figure he's an old man now and it would be the last contact he'd probably ever have with me. We got on ok, he hinted that we stay in touch, but never gave me any contact details and i couldn't offer any as I was moving so...

In the past 20+ years he's gathered information from family friends, the odd chance meeting in town with my Mom etc and the few occasions he's seen me. I've had no contact with him besides those two occasions since I was 11. Anyway I just get back from a 4 day trip over thanksgiving and I see a friend request from him on facebook.

I'm conflicted. On one hand I figure it's over 20 years let it go, you've moved on, he's an old man, give him this chance to make things right before it's too late. On the other hand I figure fuck you, you were never there, I already have a father who was more of a Dad to me than you ever could have been and I feel like I'd be kicking my step dad in the face if I accept the request. There is also this a part of me that will always be that little girl wanting her father, but each time she lets him in emotionally he abandons her.

advice/opinions?

[candycane_girl]

I just wanted to chime in that I hate it when people feel the need to point out something about my looks or body. My dad always had this habit of pointing out my pimples as if I didn't already see them! I know he was trying to be helpful because he would always suggest that I eat an orange and then rub the peel on my face but really, he just pointed out something that I was already well aware of and embarrassed about.

I'm still convinced that my complex about being fat when I was younger (I wasn't fat) wasn't helped by my great grandmother flatly stating "Candy's fat". Yeah, so smart to say that to a 9 year old.

What really gets me though, is people who comment on weight when they are also fat! My dad comments all the time on the weight of various family members and yet he looks like he's pregnant! I just don't understand how he can sit there and say shit like that when he's the one who has seconds and thirds at every meal.

Also, one of my so called "friends" (she moved away and we don't really talk anymore) once felt the need to point out that I had gained weight despite the fact that for years, I never ever mentioned anything about her weight (and she was usually the biggest one in our group of friends). It pissed me off so much that because I had gained some weight she suddenly felt she had the right to make a joke about it. Ugh.

[anna k]

Oh thank God. I hope he gets incarnated for 25 to life. I hope your cousin and her daughters are OK.

girl logic, same with my sister. She hates her appearance, and will comment on anything on my body, be it a zit, white strands of hair, a bruise, weight loss, anything. It makes me uncomfortable to be looked over, and yet I would never mention to her any of her physical imperfections, because she would snap at me. It's totally about control, and she can "dish it out but can't take it."

Ugh stargazer. I'm so sorry your mother is being a pill and picking on you for eating a dessert. I'm glad you're taking a break from her for T-day, and hope you're having a great time.

Most of Thanksgiving was good, except for my sister. She's very neurotic and bossy and uptight, and keeps herself in a cycle of depression, it's always some issue. Recently it's her ex-boyfriend. She started dating a guy in a neighboring state a few months ago, they got serious a month ago, then he wanted to take a break to focus on his sick friend. My sister took it really hard, feeling like he was cutting her out of his life. It is unfair that he was being wishy-washy, but she got really involved in the relationship more than he did, talking about how he's the greatest guy ever and having too many romantic fantasies about them together. Now he's pissed at her for personal reasons, and hasn't contacted her for two weeks, despite her sending a couple of messages (plus checking his Facebook, online dating profile, and just basically Internet-stalking him). She mopes about him, and just wallows in it. So she was distant and a little brittle yesterday, and despite that I kept telling her how the food she made was good, she would just brush me off with "yeah, thanks."

So my mom and aunt talked to her, and some of it got through to her to not obsess about him, but she still idealized my mom's marriage, saying how "happy" it is, despite us growing up with a loving but difficult father. I am so pissed at her being nearly 30 and acting like a sulking teenager, and preferring to just be depressed and angry and sad rather than moving past it and being a more healthy, happier person. I know what depression is like, I know how hard some habits are to break, but you get to an age when all of that is in the past, and you remember the rest of the world exists and grow up to move on with it. And I hate trying to support her while feeling like what I say doesn't get through to her. Now she got a tattoo tonight, one that she had planned, and I felt she wasn't in the right mood to be getting a tattoo, but it's her body and her life. I'm just sick of hearing about her complain about her life without making effort to change it (and not just talk about changing it).

[pants]

so glad to hear they caught him. Hopefully they will now be able to prosecute and keep him locked up for a VERY long time

[candycane_girl]

I'm so glad they caught him splendor. I hope your cousin is doing okay.

[foryoursplendor]

My cousin's ex-boyfriend (who shot her) was arrested on Sunday, finally! Everyone is so relieved.

The news story is here if you are interested.

[stargazer]

Thanks girl_logic, kitten, and rogue! Yeah, my mom is really entitled with her feelings, takes it out on those around her (namely, my stepdad and me), and acts terribly immature. Right now, she is giving limited answers and basically ignoring me which is her normal mode when she is knee deep, rooted in her own shit. Whatever. I haven't let her behavior deter me from talking with her and being in the house. Thank maude I'm heading out of town for T-day.

[girl_logic]

Star, my mom does a similar thing. Whenever she's obsessing about some aspect of her apperance I come under her scrutiny and she makes unwelcome and deflating comments about whatever it is (right now it's her teeth, therefore my teeth too. But at any given time it's been complexion, weight, hair). It's totally a control thing.

She did something that impressed me with her own mother. Her mom had been making an offhand, but offensive comment for weeks that was really getting under my mother's skin, I could see this. One day she managed to very calmly without any tone, or exasperation or explanation, just very matter of factly but clearly say, "Mom, I wish you would stop saying X". And she did stop, no drama, no explanations necessary. I was all wide-eyed and taking notes.

If your mom knows that she's reading on sensitive territory, and waiting for the fight, she probably doesn't expect you to "call her on it" in a calm and even way. Doing it calmly in a way that doesn't seem like a challenge to her with as few words as possible. It's an exercise in detachment for sure.

[kittenb]

{{{stargazer}}} I'm surrently trying to learn how I can say what I need to say to my family w/o causing too much distress to the people I would like to share my thoughts with. If I figure it out, I will let you know.

[rogue]

Awwww, star, that sucks. I'm sorry that you have to put up with that. I don't know what advice I could give other than to just tell her to stop doing it, although I don't know how well that would go over. Most people don't even know they're offending someone when they say things, or else they do know and try to pass it off like "I was just joking!" etc. And it's stupid and annoying.

I don't know your family situation but I hope she's not one to fly off the handle when someone confronts her about something - that would be awful. I just hope that you can resolve this situation because - let's face it - you're frickin' gorgeous and shouldn't have to put up with that shite. For serious.

[stargazer]

I guess I just have to vent about my mother. My mother can be pretty good instigator with arguments in our house. I've definitely had to learn to not take her bait. Lately, in the past 2 weeks, on 2 separate occasions, she has made comments to me about what I eat...meaning, desserts. If I take a second brownie or when I was going to eat the last slice of pie this morning. There is part of me that wants to tell her (and I apologize if I offend anyone), "Hey fat ass, I'm not the one who is overweight with back and joint problems. I exercise to manage my emotions. I don't eat to avoid them." Surprisingly, I've held myself back, BUT, it is really annoying. My mom's criticisms is her way of gaining control. I get so conflicted in how to respond because guilt plays a role for me. Living at home with my folks, she cooks for me sometimes, etc....BUT, my mother is really manipulative and uses these things against me. Reason why I felt guilty to have any feelings over how she treats me 'cause I don't want to seem ungrateful. Hence, my own emotional eating when I was younger.

I just need to let my mother know how she speaks to me makes me feel which is not good. Her willingness to be there for me does not entitle her to speak to me poorly. :sigh:

[raisingirl]

Yeah, you can't have any more repeat car accidents! Yikes.

I would be ripshit if my sibling was pulling the same shit as your bro. But good for you for staying in touch with his daughter and arranging a visit and strengthening the bonds between you -- it will do wonders for her (and you!), I'm sure of it. Maybe he'll come to his senses when he's... um... ready? I dunno.

[pants]

Thanks, Raisin!

I don't know though, if you go out into the world too soon after being ill you might have a relapse and get EVEN sicker. And then you'd have to go tot he hospital and your insurance rates would go up and you would go broke paying doctor bills and then you'd be homeless, all because of Thanksgiving.

Silliness aside, I know what you mean, I appreciate Thanksgiving as a holiday now that it's no longer a time suck involving the back and forth from Chicago to Detroit to have an awkward meal with my family. But I'm still in no rush to celebrate seeing as the last one I was back home for involved a car accident and a visit to the ER in my hometown where they kept insisting that we lived in Canada and not the UK. But this isn't about dysfunctional hometowns, it's about families.

So I will just say that my brother is on my absolute last nerve. I'm trying to arrange a trip for his eldest daughter (who he hasn't spoken to in months, which is a long involved stupid story) to come to London to visit this summer. So I sent him an email to let him know as otherwise I would probably be accused of sneaking around his back and lying and probably sacrificing babies and baking kittens into pies. So I sent him an email letting him know and also asking how he's doing. He writes back with a four word response. I write back saying thanks, how's life otherwise? He writes back saying Life is good.

I have since decided to pretend that he responded as an adult and have therefore written him back with answers to the unasked question of how I am doing (well, thanks) and asking for Xmas gift suggestions for his other daughters. It may be an exercise in futility but I'm hopefull that it's annoyed him.

I don't know if he pissed that I'm still on good terms with his eldest after he's fucked up so tremendously as a father, or if he's angry at me about something else, or if he's just emotionally stunted, or if it's some combination of all three, but by god I will continue trying to teach him how to be an adult by example. And hopefully annoy him in the process. That's mature, right?

[raisingirl]

Good suggestion, Pants (nice name change!), but I was sick all of last week, so that's unfortunately not a possibility for next week. I will probably go to a relative's house for a few hours, but I hate how it feels like an obligation. I wish I were hosting instead.

One of the most awkward Thanksgivings was the fall I studied abroad in college. The director of the program arranged a Thanksgiving dinner for us that same weekend (not on that Thursday night) and we all sat around not really interested in eating turkey, but thankful they made the effort to do it for us. I was thinking, didn't I come here to get away from this and to experience non-American things?