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> General Relationship/Dating Advice
stargazer
post Aug 23 2010, 09:29 AM
Post #21


brown delicious
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bump


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twelve_percent
post Dec 2 2009, 08:52 AM
Post #22


BUSTie
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Posts: 61
From: The grassy nolls


I attribute it to god because I think mission work is calling me.

My first, last, only boyfriend was really great to me. But yes, I get off with a vibrator a lot easier. No male drama, he was kind of like a robot. He was exactly like a robot actually. I just don't want anyone in my pants. I can lust all I want but I don't think I would ever do anything about it.


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rogue
post Dec 2 2009, 08:29 AM
Post #23


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 362
From: The Great White North.


I don't think you're crazy, twelve_percent. I feel much the same way you do, to be completely honest. I'm not too concerned with dating right now. I wouldn't mind having sexual relations with a man every so often, but I definitely wouldn't mind if it's just me and my vibrator for the rest of my life (it gets me off better than any man ever has and that's saying something, or else I've just dated some serious duds). Sometimes I think I'm insane for thinking this way too, but I'm so tired of male drama that it just seems better this way. Has anything heppened to cause you to think this way? Like a very bad relationship or anything? That's pretty much the number one reason why I think I'm better off alone.

I also don't think that the fates have it in mind for me to find someone to be with for the rest of my life, either. I wouldn't attribute it to god because I'm kind of a non-believer, but I agree. All of my previous boyfriends/dating partners have been all wrong for me so I'm afraid to see what's next. I've gone through everything but actual physical abuse so I think I'll just steer clear because to be honest, I'm afraid that might be what's next, as odd as that may sound.


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Vixi liber et moriar.
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twelve_percent
post Dec 2 2009, 07:41 AM
Post #24


BUSTie
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Posts: 61
From: The grassy nolls


I, by no means, have body image issues. I just don't think that I want another man in my pants. I lost my virginity at 18. I am now 19. I don't think that I'm meant to have a boyfriend. I don't think I'm meant to be with someone. It just doesn't seem to be what god has in mind for me. Am I crazy for thinking that I'm going to be alone the rest of my life and I'm ok with it because I have my vibrator?


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rogue
post Nov 20 2009, 04:45 PM
Post #25


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 362
From: The Great White North.


Hey ladies, sorry for taking so long to reply! I was out all day and the Lounge died for some time yesterday. =(

I think all of you are right - I think that maybe this is a self-preservation thing but at the same time I think he really went about it the wrong way. I'm not going to bother contacting him about it at all - I don't have the time or the patience to deal with something like this. I've been screwed around far too often by the men that have been in my life (which is what makes me think that this is more likely to be a game). I can give him the benefit of the doubt but I can't abide by a friend doing this. I personally would never just block and delete a friend unless it was after a long, long fight with no resolution in sight (which never happened with us). I just think he should have told me something - anything - before just cutting me off like that.

Anyway, I guess it's all water under the bridge now. Sad for him though - I think we had a pretty good friendship and I'm sorry to see it go. Maybe it was my fault for letting it progress farther than it should have, but I don't know. Meh, I guess.


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ketto
post Nov 19 2009, 09:19 AM
Post #26


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Posts: 695
From: Winter Land


Roque, that's an unfortunate turn. Even if he didn't want to date or things did get screwed up emotionally, he could have at least come out and just said that. I can understand why you would find it hard not to contact him and call him out, but it probably is for the best to just let it go. I agree with Coffee, he may have needed the space, but that was the wrong way to go about it.


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coffeebean
post Nov 19 2009, 08:56 AM
Post #27


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Posts: 144


(((rogue))) that does suck! Like you said, he is 25 years old, and it is true that he could have at least said to you that he just needed some time to separate and think about things. I don't agree with HOW your friend chose to make space. However, it does make sense, as Kitten said, that he is making space because he may be feeling that he is more emotionally invested than you. I'm not saying that it is right but if you want to salvage the friendship it looks like it might be necessary to give him his space and hope that he can come to you in due time to talk about things.

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening especially with everything else going on at the present time with the family! We are here for you girl...and keep us updated re: new 'conquests'! smile.gif

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kittenb
post Nov 19 2009, 08:20 AM
Post #28


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
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rogue - I've been following your story so far but didn't quite no what to say. While blocking you is immature is also seems very possible it felt necessary to do to prevent himself from getting more involved than he already is. You've saiud that you don't want a relationship, he does. If I am correct, you both took the risk and slept together anyway. Maybe he is hurting and needs to stay away from you and doesn't know how to say it? I just keep think of what most of the Busties would say if this situation was gender-reversed. I can see some of us saying, "Block him and give yourself time to figure this out."


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rogue
post Nov 19 2009, 07:12 AM
Post #29


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 362
From: The Great White North.


Soooo my new development this morning re: that guy I hooked up with.

He came online yesterday for the first time in ten days. I didn't message him because hi, I'm not the one who disappeared for ten days! I left the ball in his corner because I had no idea what he wanted from me - I didn't want to date him.

I wake up this morning to find that he has deleted and blocked me from crackbook. Yes, that's right! Most mature twenty-five year old man I have ever come across! This is sarcasm of course.

But wow. I'm pretty much speechless over the whole thing. I want to e-mail him and call him out on it so badly but seriously, what would that accomplish? I'm grown - I don't need to block people or delete them from my life because something didn't go the way I wanted it to. It just pisses me off that now we are no longer friends, even though we have (had?) been for the past eight years. I guess you were right about FWB, CCG!

Anyway, I just thought I'd update y'all. On to my next conquest, whenever that might be! laugh.gif


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sevenseconds
post Nov 13 2009, 08:54 PM
Post #30


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 178
From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


Moved my novel on Games to Inebriated Ramblings...

Now the PS:
A Bustie said in the small boobs support thread:
How are people gonna learn to love small breasts if they never see them?

How are men gonna learn aftercare if we act like we don't like it or need it?


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Every story is a cup so empty it can be drunk from again and again. - MJH
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sevenseconds
post Nov 13 2009, 08:41 PM
Post #31


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 178
From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


We're cool, Rogue. I wasn't really pissed. It was a stylistic device;)

And as I've mentioned elsewhere, I have a co-residing male self-identity and often feel like *the man* in my relationships, and my boys are always younger, all pretty and girlie (took me a while to see and admit that tho). But those rare occasions when a guy has done enough to make me trust him with my *woman*, and I feel like I owe it to *us* to descend into my femaleness and spread my legs and open my soul with it, that's when it goes bleep.
And yes, I've done serious bondage-and-discipline on my urges to where I don't call more than 12 times in one hour any more;) I'm kidding, I can NOT call at all. I got enough tricks (from my OCD counter-routines: that shit leaves you armed) to where I can distract myself and function and not text, and yes, they'll eventually text. But by then, they're out of my playlist. By then I've burned the proverbial bridge.
So what do we have to work with here?
It seems to me then it becomes an issue of expressing/ healing a need versus suppressing/ harboring it. It has lately crossed my mind, and become my social experiment, to not bend over backwards in feats of self-restraint (just so I won't come across as clingy) but give a boy a fighting chance instead. Like, act on my compulsions in a cool, even make-fun-of-meself but empowering way, and call. I'll even do the whole bio chemistry spiel and say, don't let it get to your head hon, you're swell and all, but it's just that nature fucked me over with a few thousand extra bonding receptors than it gave your kind... So be a good boy and read me a good night story or something.
Well, that's the scenario in which the boy has already proven that he cares but just doesn't know HOW to show it. So I help him out. The ones that don't, they're just plain out.
And on the honesty front, dear Rogue - you keep saying you're honest, and you hate games - but you're seething and waiting for him to call? And you say things like "the physical part of me just wants him so badly, but my brain" but claim you have no needs... etc - how is that honest? Let's just face it and admit honesty doesn't always work in this um, field, and games aren't all bad. Something in us makes us "play games" because that's the Morse code millions of years of evolution have left us with - relying on hints and torture techniques more than on words.... So we test each other and if the test is passed, we give the reward. And part of the test is: Can you READ me? it's not a test if you fill it out for them is it. So up-frontness is kind of... a buzzkill in this case.
I have way more to say on games, but let's all take a breather first.
Sorry dear Busties for having to endure the lengths. ... I am in hormonal high drive so it's hard to keep it short and to the point.

Happy *write LOVE on her arm*, everyone!


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Every story is a cup so empty it can be drunk from again and again. - MJH
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rogue
post Nov 13 2009, 07:04 PM
Post #32


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 362
From: The Great White North.


Aw, you ladies are so intelligent. I really appreciate all the advice. I would love to talk to him to discuss all this but it's kind of impossible when he's all but disappeared. I have no idea how to contact him about this. I definitely don't want the perks of a relationship (because at this stage in my life I see absolutely no perks to a relationship) but I don't know. I'm not blaming him for being vague, I'm upset that he won't communicate how he's feeling. I guess I should take this at face value. It's just hard because I'm the kind of person that is always open and honest - I'll tell you my life story in under an hour if you want to know, you know what I mean? I hate when people don't tell me what they are feeling because then I don't know how to gauge my own reaction/feelings.

And seven, I totally did not mean to sound insulting when talking about clingy girls. Maybe I should have made myself more clear - I don't want to return to my former clingy, insane self (I once called a former boyfriend eighty-two times in one hour because I was freaking out when I could not get a hold of him (thinking irrationally that he was cheating on me) - turns out he was on his motorcycle and duh! couldn't answer the phone). That's what I mean. I think my problem is that in relationships (now) I generally tend to think more like a man does (well, what society thinks a man thinks like): I don't want to fight for more than ten minutes, I don't like to cuddle, I don't want to be held accountable for my actions (to an extent), and I don't want to have to explain myself. I know that all men are not like this, but with me this is because I am so honest and so open that I never have ulterior motives and I hate it when someone makes me out to be a liar or being unfaithful (as my ex did), so I just want to be left alone to my own devices, really.

I think you're right. Maybe he's keeping himself away from me on purpose. I just don't really know how to fix all that, I guess. I'm really trying not to dwell on anything but it's hard, especially since the physical part of me just wants him so badly, but my brain is like, "Girl, you better forget that mess right now. I'm not even playing with you." I know that I would just kill everything if we got into a relationship because I am so not there yet.

*Sigh* But thank you all so much for the feedback. I definitely understand your point on aftercare, seven. I don't feel I need aftercare in the sense of positive reinforcement after the encounter, more like, just let me know you're alive. I don't think that's asking too much - I just think him messing around with me and then dropping me for five days is incredibly disrespectful. I would never do that to someone unless I really didn't like him and was using him, which is now how I feel. I feel that now I'm good enough to be used, but not good enough to be friends with, even if this is completely unwarranted on my behalf.

Wow, sorry this was so long!


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Persiflager
post Nov 13 2009, 06:46 PM
Post #33


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


I'm going to chime in on the 'protection' rather than 'games' side. If he feels romantically about you, he probably finds it quite difficult to go back to being just friends after you've hooked up. Thinking about seven's excellent 'afterplay' post, how do you leave things after you've hooked up? Is it kinda sweet/romantic, or just friendly?

Rogue, yay for you finding someone fun to be with, and yay for moving on from your ex! But I think you're being unfair to your friend. You say that you don't know what you want from him, but you blame him for being vague. It sounds like what you want pretty much all the benefits of a relationship without making any commitment to him in return. I agree with ccg - you can't just add sex to an existing close friendship and expect the friendship to remain the same. Honestly, if he was my friend I'd tell him to stop fooling around with you until you made up your mind!



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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
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sevenseconds
post Nov 13 2009, 04:36 PM
Post #34


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 178
From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


I guess the idea for me in a relationship/ hook-up is not to try NOT to feel - even the bad things. It's to create a safe space where we can feel everything.

(Yeah, I always do that with the short after-post. Sorry.)


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sevenseconds
post Nov 13 2009, 04:04 PM
Post #35


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 178
From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


/delurks

Darling Rogue? Come on - "crazy clingy girl"? I kinda take (friendly) offense at you trying so hard to prove you are not one.
All that oxytocin we*** release when we have sex? It's a bonding hormone. Yes, you need reassurance and the hours of speaking (or whatever the approaching behavior was) to NOT end or be reduced significantly after orgasms have been dished out. I'm not so delighted when women pretend it's not the case. Sure, there are women who need less of it, but overall? More. I think this should be taught in sex education class or something - that the disappearing is what causes a gal to feel abandoned and get yet more insecure and clingy. And sure, there are cases when it was just the need for sex that drove you to spend all the hours talking and courting - and with the *release* you realize you don't much care for that person - but that's when you have to be extra gentle and CARE for them. Because otherwise, you are creating a monster in turn.
Which leads me to this thing I have been pondering for a while - how much people have to learn from "consensual power exchange" or BDSM. GT (my hero!) always stresses the importance of aftercare in a scene, and I couldn't agree more. *If you open them, you gotta close them.* That's the rule.

Now why don't people stress the need for aftercare in vanilla sex (using vanilla not derogatorily, just cuz i don't want to say "normal" or "everyday", so please put up with it, or offer a better term and I'll change it.)
I've never heard anyone stress the importance of aftercare, and I think in a lot of the vanilla one-night stands or FWB or just, the beginning stages of dating, the woman IS the one being OPENED up - as in literally. As for me, being that weird kind (you can call me a control freak, it's okay), the I'd-rather-NOT-take-my-clothes-off-at-first-but-I'll-get-you-naked-and-make-you-so-happy person, vanilla sex always always feels like I subbed. I need aftercare. Add to that my bad case of post-coital blues/endorphin issues and - if they don't dote on me for the next few days, a lot, I get very sad and doubty.
So I've started warning my men. They find out I'm a scorpio, they'll read something, they'll say: Ah, It says foreplay is more important to you than sex. And I'll say: You know what's more important than both: AFTERplay. And the smart/intuitive ones almost get it. That it's a WARNING. That you fuck that up, we don't play again. But still they need to be reminded... So few have been natural at it... This last boy almost was.

All I'm trying to do with this post is, ask that women don't deny our need for extra care and increased , if anything, attention for the few days after sex. Can we instead educate the boys that this is what keeps women from becoming clingy? Gotta close me after you open me is a simple working definition for that.

Anyway, tell me what you think, dear ladies.

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***Of course, the boundaries between male and female are murky and the question of male identity in female body and the reverse make this even more baffling, but overall, speaking of straight macho men: Men also release oxytocyn and it'spleasant and warm and all, but their other bonding hormone is often vasopressin, which is released when they, um, watch another man hit one their girl? I know I know. This can be construed as a sexist statement, and I apologize for that, But I'm just trying to see how actual chemistry figures in why we feel what we feel. And why we sometimes end up on a pillowful of smeared mascara.

Rock out, ladies!

ETA: Dear Rogue, sorry I used your situation to pour this out. I have been thinking about the issue for a while, as you see, it is quite the novel.


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Every story is a cup so empty it can be drunk from again and again. - MJH
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coffeebean
post Nov 13 2009, 12:56 PM
Post #36


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 144


Hi Rogue - to be honest (and from my experience) - most men don't just talk to women 'every single day' and 'for hours' if they just want to be friends. I think that your friend's change in behaviour actually provides you with MORE evidence that he wants something more romantic from you. I am definitely not saying that you should give more to him if you are not ready - but I think it does explain his behaviour and provides evidence that he is likely not a douchebag or making a concerted effort to 'play games'. Actually, I think that there should be some distinction made between 'playing games' and 'protecting yourself'. I think that when people play games they are trying to gain control over someone else. This could still be the case with your friend but maybe he feels like he is just taking some control BACK. If his feelings really are invested then maybe he thinks that YOU are playing with HIM by being so casual after he told you that he liked you.

I know so many women who have kept fooling around with men thinking that one day the man would come around and really want to be with them even though it was against their better judgement and it was likely they would get hurt. I ask, is this situation really any different just because the person who could be potentially more emotionally invested is a man? Maybe your friend continues doing this because he thinks that either 1. eventually you will come around or 2. something is better than nothing even if it hurts.

Of course Rogue you are the woman in this situation and no one else can tell you what is best. I won't be offended if you disagree smile.gif
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rogue
post Nov 13 2009, 12:05 PM
Post #37


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 362
From: The Great White North.


Hey enfermera - don't worry about it, I appreciate all POVs, no matter how blunt or straightforward. smile.gif

He absolutely does not have an obligation to be reachable, however, before we started fooling around he spoke to me every single day. For hours. That is the sole reason why I think that he's playing a game or else being a complete douchebag (which would be really shocking to me as we have been friends for years and he's never acted this way with myself or anyone else). And believe me, I was once a clingy girl, years ago, before I knew what it was like to be in a relationship with a clingy person, and I have vowed to never act as such again, no matter how crazy it makes me. Which is why I will not message him first. I think you can see that it's driving me crazy, but I am stronger than all this. I've pretty much already reached the decision - whenever I speak to him next I will discuss with him what is okay and what isn't and if this all happens again well, as they say in baseball, three strikes and you're out! This is the second time this has occurred and I'm so close to being over it it's not even funny, it's just sad because although I don't want to be tied down in a relationship right now, I could definitely see us progressing into something along those lines, but not without a lot of time and build up and maybe he's just not willing to wait. The only thing I know for sure in this whole situation is that I won't know anything until I talk to him so I might as well stop dwelling on it, but when I'm annoyed with something I tend to obsess over it. It sucks, but that's me.


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enfermera
post Nov 13 2009, 10:47 AM
Post #38


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 158
From: sweet, sweet virginia


crazy clingy girls are made, not born. for every girl you see like that, i'd wager there's at least one man in her past or present who did just the kind of bs you're talking about.

my only thought is: if you're just fooling around, and not looking for a relationship, why does he have an obligation to be reachable with any regularity? i'm definitely not familiar with this situation, so feel free to smite me if i'm wrong, but i think that to a lot of guys (and probably plenty girls as well), making yourself reachable and staying in touch is one of the responsibilities that comes with an emotional attachment, be it a close friendship or something more. if he was like this before you were fooling around, that's just his style. if he wasn't, then clearly your boundaries are bothering him and he's either avoiding the situation or trying to, as you said, play games.

you already told him that it's not ok with you to act like this, and yet he's still doing it. i think this is one of those sucky lessons we have to learn: if he doesn't want to change his behavior, he's not going to. maybe he would act differently if he was in a relationship with you. maybe he wouldn't. maybe it's reaching a point where it's just time for you to decide what you'll put up with and what you won't.

ETA: sorry if this post comes across as to rude or blunt, especially for a newbie. it's definitely not intended that way; i KNOW how frustrating that BS can be. just my thoughts; feel free to disagree!
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rogue
post Nov 13 2009, 10:16 AM
Post #39


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 362
From: The Great White North.


I hate games too. And I think in this situation it's totally unnecessary. When he and I hooked up in September the same thing happened (although he had also just started a new job with completely opposite hours to mine, but still). I called him on it and although I can't remember exactly what he said, I told him that he has nothing to worry about with me being one of those clingy annoying girls, that I'm not like that, that I won't want to monopolize his time or call him all the time or whatever, and it's true - as long as the lines of communication remain open. He's kind of turning me into that crazy clingy girl that I'm not because I can't get a hold of him. I know that he has Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays off and he appeared on Facebook for a sec yesterday but not online and it's the same with today - although I haven't seen him there yet. Like I said - I am not usually like this so it's really bothering me! I'm trying to just let it go but it's annoying.

The next time that I am able to talk to him I am definitely going to pull him to the side and be like okay, WTF, it is not cool for you to do that. Because I already talked to him about his disappearing act before is what makes me think that he's playing a game. Maybe this is all part of his plan, which is not cool and I'm not falling for it. Now, if only we weren't so compatible (sexually and otherwise!) I wouldn't keep going back for more. Good thing I really don't have emotions invested in this because that would suck. I don't care how it goes as long as I don't lose him as a friend (which I haven't yet so I'm not worried) but dammit, I want answers!

/end rant.


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coffeebean
post Nov 13 2009, 09:42 AM
Post #40


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 144


I agree with Ketto - I would have used the terms interchangeably as well but I see that Candy makes a good point in distinguishing between how the two can be used differently. Rogue, I also agree that your friend could very well be 'playing a game' in order to feel wanted. Perhaps because that is his way of feeling that he is getting closer to actually being with you. Either way, I hate the idea of game playing - especially because the two of you have a long standing friendship that sounds like it is based on open communication. I hope that once you reach him you are able to have a good talk face to face.
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