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> Sex and Long-Term Relationships
LoveMyPugs
post Dec 5 2007, 09:16 AM
Post #61







i can't remember the last time mr. pug and i had sex. i think it was last week or so. been so busy with school and stressing with my parents staying with us it's the last thing on my mind. this morning he was like, "Oh, I want you so bad. I miss you so much." and I was like, "Um...sleeping. Not listening. Brain going a mile a minute even while sleeping. Tests, projects, period on it's way. Not going to happen. Leave me alone." Seriously, I'm not even thinking about it right now. Isn't that terrible. Maybe next week I'll be back on track. I feel really shitty for being like this but for right now. Seriously it's just not going to happen.
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sassygrrl
post Dec 4 2007, 08:23 PM
Post #62


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I'm glad I've found this thread. I honestly thought I was the only one with the same problem. Mcgeek's ex wife and him barely ever had sex (he once told me that they went years without it), and he was fine with this. Um, No. I'm just got a very high sex drive, and he doesn't.

As well as the laying in bed situation, where he feels like he must be doing something all the time (cleaning, working, whatever). We've been together for a little over a year now. I think it's much like what Ms. Pugs said about the infatutation being over(paraphasing here).

Leathergirl, I feel that way sometimes as well(feel like you want to date other people).

I know I've been lurking here, but it's nice to know that some people are going thru the same thing as me.

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Le' Watcher
post Dec 4 2007, 07:58 PM
Post #63


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QUOTE(tankgirl @ Dec 3 2007, 02:27 PM) *
le'watcher, my boy and i are also the same age as you and yours and we have the same problem. well i wouldnt call it a problem, its pretty normal. i have a really high sex drive and his is pretty average. he has even told me he used to have a girlfriend what would only want to have sex once every few months and he was okay with that... well i'm not lol. what a lot of people need to do is stop comparing themselves to what is normal and what isnt because everybody is different. as long as you can come to a happy medium as far as frequency of sex goes and open communication esp about sex is a plus.

my boy also feels like if we lay in bed all day having sex that hes not getting anything accomplished, which i try not to take too personally unless he is mean about it. we have been together for 4 years and im still having a hard time getting used to that.

i know this is a little bit different but i once found rogaine in a bathroom cabinet hidden behind other things that my (ex) boyfriend of 7 years had been hiding. i felt really upset about it because i feel like even though its a personal thing, i was offended that he couldnt just tell me he wanted to or was using it, but then again he had severe communication issues when it came to sensitive subjects like that. he was also the type that wouldnt even take aspirin for a headache.





TankGirl, Pugs and Eveyone else!!! Thanks for the support on the posts!!! I was about to start investigating sex addicts anonymous!! Hee hee...I brought it up again, to him and i took it a step further and discussed my bigger issue, which is, his not taking my concerns seriously. They way he reacted when i first mentioned it to him drove me nutz because i felt like he was totally belittling my feelings. And he's such a right brainer too, tough love type of dood...anywho i got laid that nite and last nite!!! So i cant complain, papabear showed some luv....and its very true about him not feeling like he's getting certain things acomplished while off the mattress. So i guess, i just got to be...hmmm understanding...


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nickclick
post Dec 4 2007, 01:05 PM
Post #64


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 2,134
From: jersey


QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 4 2007, 10:33 AM) *
I am frustrated and look at places to move to all the time. I plan out in my head what it would be like to be on my own again and eventually date. That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. I don' t honestly think my life could be worse without him....I don't think that I would miss him that much either...

EXAAAAAAAAAACTLY how i used to feel before breaking up with my long-term ex.

QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 4 2007, 10:33 AM) *
"put up with all my stupid questions".

EXAAAAAAAACTLY what my ex said, often.

my EX.

i have to agree with pugs that from what you say, he irks me too. other times you've tried to talk to him, is there always confrontation?

(thanks for letting me de-lurk to add my 2cents)
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LoveMyPugs
post Dec 4 2007, 11:42 AM
Post #65







QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 4 2007, 10:33 AM) *
    Hi, I havent shown the paper nor mentioned counseling again. I don't know what I am afraid of. I feel all balsy one moment and then don't want the confrontation the next. Sex was only once Sat morning..not bad. THAT was it. I hinted and mentioned and directly spoke of intimate time in bed together and he just smiled and walked away, or said maybe after the game ( we had 1/2hour before the game would start). I am frustrated and look at places to move to all the time. I plan out in my head what it would be like to be on my own again and eventually date. That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. I don' t honestly think my life could be worse without him....I don't think that I would miss him that much either...we already spen SO much time doing our own projects. that started after we bought the house...we would work on things together and then it became difficult for him to "put up with all my stupid questions". So now I refinish antiques and that takes up alot of quiet time. He seems very content with that, as he does his wood projects. He thinks it is great that I do my own things. We are like roomates more than anything.
    I will try to get the balls to talk with him....soon.
    Thankyou for listening and it helps reading other people's stories and advice.


    leathergrl - no offense but your man sounds very condescending. he irritates me just reading your posts. i'd have none of that if i were you. "smiled and walked away" fuck him. don't let him walk away from you when you're expressing concern about a certain aspect of your relationship that's important to you. WTF? I really wonder what he'd say if you told him you were leaving. Would he care? Do you think he'd care? i mean i'm not by any means telling you to play that card but still. He doesn't sound like he cares much. Sorry but your posts make me irritated with him. Who does he think he is?
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    leathergrl
    post Dec 4 2007, 09:16 AM
    Post #66


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      QUOTE(Mr Pugs @ Nov 29 2007, 09:50 AM) *
      So that's what happened????
      *Puts the Puss Face back on...*



      Hi, I havent shown the paper nor mentioned counseling again. I don't know what I am afraid of. I feel all balsy one moment and then don't want the confrontation the next. Sex was only once Sat morning..not bad. THAT was it. I hinted and mentioned and directly spoke of intimate time in bed together and he just smiled and walked away, or said maybe after the game ( we had 1/2hour before the game would start). I am frustrated and look at places to move to all the time. I plan out in my head what it would be like to be on my own again and eventually date. That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. I don' t honestly think my life could be worse without him....I don't think that I would miss him that much either...we already spen SO much time doing our own projects. that started after we bought the house...we would work on things together and then it became difficult for him to "put up with all my stupid questions". So now I refinish antiques and that takes up alot of quiet time. He seems very content with that, as he does his wood projects. He thinks it is great that I do my own things. We are like roomates more than anything.
      I will try to get the balls to talk with him....soon.
      Thankyou for listening and it helps reading other people's stories and advice.
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      dayglowpink
      post Dec 4 2007, 09:05 AM
      Post #67


      Hardcore BUSTie
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      Posts: 519
      From: the shallow south


      Thanks for the replies, everyone! I'm psyched that this forum seems to be picking up a little bit again. I haven't been here for a while, because it had been so dead. We've definitely tried most of the stuff you guys suggested, but thanks so much for the ideas. Anal is something I have been into off and on, but I'm going through an off phase right now. I'd like to get into it again, though. I definitely go for the lube or spit when I'm not super wet, so that's fine. And we have actually been exploring a lot with very heavy, rough play, which we are both getting really into as well as incorporating the psychological aspect, so that's cool. I'm sure it is just a phase, and that things will continue to grow and change. I am a big worrier, though, and my mind starts to go crazy stressing about stuff and worrying. If I could get that under control, things would be much better, I'm sure! smile.gif
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      tankgirl
      post Dec 3 2007, 04:10 PM
      Post #68


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      le'watcher, my boy and i are also the same age as you and yours and we have the same problem. well i wouldnt call it a problem, its pretty normal. i have a really high sex drive and his is pretty average. he has even told me he used to have a girlfriend what would only want to have sex once every few months and he was okay with that... well i'm not lol. what a lot of people need to do is stop comparing themselves to what is normal and what isnt because everybody is different. as long as you can come to a happy medium as far as frequency of sex goes and open communication esp about sex is a plus.

      my boy also feels like if we lay in bed all day having sex that hes not getting anything accomplished, which i try not to take too personally unless he is mean about it. we have been together for 4 years and im still having a hard time getting used to that.

      i know this is a little bit different but i once found rogaine in a bathroom cabinet hidden behind other things that my (ex) boyfriend of 7 years had been hiding. i felt really upset about it because i feel like even though its a personal thing, i was offended that he couldnt just tell me he wanted to or was using it, but then again he had severe communication issues when it came to sensitive subjects like that. he was also the type that wouldnt even take aspirin for a headache.
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      pollystyrene
      post Dec 3 2007, 03:37 PM
      Post #69


      Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
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      *cough* you don't want to send those over to my house, do you humanist? *cough* tongue.gif


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      Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
      Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
      It never happened, did it?
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      humanist77
      post Dec 3 2007, 03:08 PM
      Post #70


      belligerently lazy
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      Posts: 903
      From: Chicago


      wow, thanks so much ladies for your responses!
      I plainly asked him about it and the first thing he says is "they're in the medicine cabinet!" and then "I was curious to see if they'd work."
      This is the person who refused to take Airbornes for a cold because he did not trust that "herbal supplements" were safe. I brought that up and he says he's chilled out about that now, and he did a lot of research before getting these.
      But damn, was he on top of telling me where he put the pills. Not that I wasn't curious about where they were, and not that I hadn't gone looking for them before I asked him about it, but his immediate reaction was to tell me where they were. hmm.
      But my mind is at peace. I still think it's silly for him to use them, but it was nothing but curiosity.
      Thanks again for all the concern and advice!


      --------------------
      I pledge allegiance to and wrap myself in the flag of the United States Against Anything Un-American and to the Republicans for which it stands, two nations, under Jesus, rich against poor, with curtailed liberty and justice for all except blacks, homosexuals, women who want abortions, Communists, welfare queens, treehuggers, feminazis, illegal immigrants, children of illegal immigrants, and you if you don't watch your step.
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      edie52
      post Dec 3 2007, 02:48 PM
      Post #71


      Hardcore BUSTie
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      Dayglowpink, this may be something you've done, but have you tried masturbating in front of or with him? I think this has helped my sex life with my current bf- for one thing, masturbating is obviously a really private act and is also (for me) more spiritual (sorry if that sounds cheesy, I just mean more inward, focused...). So to share that with him has been really intimate. Also, the orgasms I have when I do it myself are just more powerful. He makes me feel amazing and most of the time I'd rather have sex than masturbate, but it's when I combine them that I have the most mind-blowing orgasms. If he comes at the same time it's even better.

      You could also try slowing down. I don't mean going slow the whole time, or going into full roses-and-candles lovemaking mode, but you could try going slow or stopping when he's really deep inside you, looking at each other, and really paying attention to each others' reactions, and then building up again. I see how this could be lame and awkward, though, if you plan it and are too conscious of it. I guess it kind of just has to happen.

      Like I said, I don't know what you guys have tried, and since you said you're fairly dirty and open many things we suggest will probably be nothing new... maybe it's just in the way you approach it.



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      LoveMyPugs
      post Dec 3 2007, 12:51 PM
      Post #72







      dayglowpink -

      QUOTE
      I'm not always an awesome sex goddess or anything


      i don't believe this for a second. smile.gif

      QUOTE
      Something I wanted to bring up about my own situation. I've been hanging out with my boy for about a year and a half. At first our relationship was strictly sex, then more FWB, and over the past year has become a relationship, although somewhat non-traditional. We live together now, too. Recently he has become much more affectionate with me, and things feel even more like a relationship than they ever have. I've been finding that I'm not getting as turned on as I used to, and I wonder if part of what kept me so hot for him before was the fact that he was stand-offish. Now I feel even stronger for him emotionally and still really want to have sex with him, but I'm having less of a physical response, mostly not getting as wet as usual. There's other stuff going on, like we're both working a lot right now, don't have much time, etc., so hopefully it's just a phase or a cycle, but it's kinda bumming me out. It used to be so awesome to feel myself getting all hot and wet just from him putting his hands on me or whatever.


      First let me say that you are hitting that point (year and a half to two years) where things do start to slow down. That infatuation is getting a little old and life and responsibilities catch up. Living together changes things to. The fact that you feel soooo much more in love with him is so wonderful. I feel more and more in love with Mr. Pug everyday. Doesn't that just feel good in your heart? It does in mine. The "not getting as wet as usual" could be many things. Like you said "there's other stuff going on" like you are both working and don't have time. Like I said the infatuation is loosing it's heat. BUT!!! It's getting replaced with a mountain full of love. Shit girl...just go buy some lube and move on with it. smile.gif I had the same thing happen to me around the same time. I was stupid and didn't start using lube until I was nice and irritated (mentally and physically). Just cause you are having every day stresses and your body is fighting your mind doesn't mean that you aren't "hot" for your man. You are, you just have other things on your mind. It happens to many women so I'm told. I'd definately recommend a silicone lube. Changed my sex life all together.

      QUOTE
      Something else that has been going on is that we've been having some talks about making sex more exciting and deeper and somehow taking it to another level or something. We've both always been very open-minded and dirty in bed, and I think we're both pretty knowledgeable, so it's not anything like learning new techniques or something, but I'm wondering about other people's opinions about what it really means to deeply explore sexual expression with another person. I've never been in a relationship with someone who was interested in that; sex was always something I just sorta did without talking about it or exploring it mentally a whole lot. I really like the idea of doing this, but it's hard for me, too, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Any thoughts?


      Have you tried anal sex yet? That is definately another level. Also, you might want to stop into the fun with floggers thread. We talk about "new" stuff all the time.

      You sound happy and I'm happy for you.
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      dayglowpink
      post Dec 3 2007, 11:38 AM
      Post #73


      Hardcore BUSTie
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      Posts: 519
      From: the shallow south


      Pugs definitely gave some good advice. Le' Watcher- your original post rang some bells for me. My boy and I also used to lay around all day doing it, but it seems much harder to find the time for that now. One morning a few months ago we stayed in bed for a couple of hours, and then he kinda freaked out and started beating himself up for wasting time when he should've been doing other stuff. I got upset and defensive about that, because I felt rejected. Turns out it was a build up for him of his own feelings of laying around doing nothing for a couple of days (times that I was at work or school) and also the fact that he had been supposed to do some stuff with friends of his and had stayed in bed instead of calling them, etc. I had had no clue that stuff was going on, and once we communicated about it better, we both had a better understanding of where the other was coming from. I also just wanna say that you are not a crazy sex fiend or anything like that! Sex is not important for everyone, but if it is important for you, that's totally fine! For me there are definitely many other things in life that are important to me, and I'm not always an awesome sex goddess or anything, but I do not apologize for making sex a priority. I feel like Pugs most of the time. I am thinking about it constantly, and it's very distracting! Right now I'm supposed to be writing a paper, and I'm doing this instead. smile.gif

      Something I wanted to bring up about my own situation. I've been hanging out with my boy for about a year and a half. At first our relationship was strictly sex, then more FWB, and over the past year has become a relationship, although somewhat non-traditional. We live together now, too. Recently he has become much more affectionate with me, and things feel even more like a relationship than they ever have. I've been finding that I'm not getting as turned on as I used to, and I wonder if part of what kept me so hot for him before was the fact that he was stand-offish. Now I feel even stronger for him emotionally and still really want to have sex with him, but I'm having less of a physical response, mostly not getting as wet as usual. There's other stuff going on, like we're both working a lot right now, don't have much time, etc., so hopefully it's just a phase or a cycle, but it's kinda bumming me out. It used to be so awesome to feel myself getting all hot and wet just from him putting his hands on me or whatever.

      Something else that has been going on is that we've been having some talks about making sex more exciting and deeper and somehow taking it to another level or something. We've both always been very open-minded and dirty in bed, and I think we're both pretty knowledgeable, so it's not anything like learning new techniques or something, but I'm wondering about other people's opinions about what it really means to deeply explore sexual expression with another person. I've never been in a relationship with someone who was interested in that; sex was always something I just sorta did without talking about it or exploring it mentally a whole lot. I really like the idea of doing this, but it's hard for me, too, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long!!! I'm procrastinating.
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      Le' Watcher
      post Dec 2 2007, 09:25 PM
      Post #74


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      Pugs!!

      Thanks for the response. I dont feel so crazy anymore, and actually reading the thread and knowing that im not the only one makes me feel like less of a horny loser. I'm more ticked off at the fact that he disreguards my concerns than anything else. He always pulls the age card with me too and that pisses me off even more. I just really dont like being called lazy, especially after i finish cleaning his dirty toilet, granted that ive been cleansing myself of THC for a drug test and i was able to score a couple of home test kits and i left my specimen in the trash cuz i was in a hurry. I had all the intentions of dumping it when i got back and he used this incident to make a point of my "laziness" when i asked him about the sex thing. I know that it wasnt the right thing to do, but it wasnt all over the place it was sitting in the trash, should i have left it on the counter, after all i wanted to see what happend with the results after a couple of hours, since the last test said i had bunch of drugs in my system that i dont ever even on a bad day, think about taking. Anyway, this is probably TMI, but im still pissed! And he's just lying around enjoying sunday nite football. How can i apporach this subject again, is it worth approching again, should i just let it go?


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      LoveMyPugs
      post Dec 2 2007, 08:48 PM
      Post #75







      The LTR problems thread is making my head spin today

      humanist77 - yeah, when i read your post my stomach turned like i'm sure yours did when you found the box. i feel you girl. if that happened to me and mr. pug the first thing i would think is, "Why didn't he talk to me about this?" then I would start questioning whether i'm approachable or not. my mind would run crazy laps. i would probably overreact because that's what i normally do. however, everyone else's advice to just sit down and talk to him about it is wonderful advice. we are here for you. come back and tell us what happens.

      (((((humanist)))))

      tesao - condoms??? wow. i would have freaked. i'm such a nervous nilly. always worried and expecting the worst. glad you were able to go to him calmly, teary eyed or not you were still calm. smile.gif

      Le'Watcher -

      welcome to bust.

      first let me say that Mr. Pug and I have been together over 11 years and we still have weekends, quite often actually, where we do nothing but have sex, sleep, watch movies and eat in bed the ENTIRE WEEKEND. I think this is healthy. You bond and spend much needed time together. Shutting the world out once in a while and have some quality nookie time is good IMO. As far as this being "lazy". Well, shit, it is lazy. But...so what? Who gives a shit? People work hard and taking time for themselves isn't a bad thing at all.

      He may just not be able to keep up. That might be true. I believe 35 is right around the time that men's sex drive starts to decrease. I can tell you that Mr. Pug and me went from having sex all the time to barely having sex at all almost overnight right around our two year anniversary. We had a dry spell that lasted for years. We started talking about what we both wanted and started experimenting with some new things and now our problems are gone but that's not to say they might not come back again someday.

      *crossing my fingers and knocking on wood in hopes that they don't*

      The fact that he thinks you "have to go to the next level and that sex isn't so important" that you need to argue about it makes me very upset. He is dismissing your concerns. He asks why you are arguing about sex? Well, shit, because it's important to you and to your relationship. To ask how you would feel if you both just stopped having sex all together IS A BIG PROBLEM. Relationships where the couple has just stopped having sex just shocks me and boggles my mind. IMO longterm relationship with no and i mean no sex = unhealthy soon to end longterm relationship

      You are not a crazy sex fein. Every woman and/or man on this site will tell you that. You want to compare apples here? I can't concentrate in class half the time thinking about getting home to Mr. Pug. I often wonder if this happens to him and he says it does once in a while but I don't know if it's as often as it happens to me. I get so horny I'm completely distracted. I asked a girlfriend once if she thought there was something wrong with me. If I had an addiction or something. She said no. She just thinks that Mr. Pug and I weren't seeing eye to eye on the issue of sex for so long that now that we are on the same page we just can't get enough of each other.

      As far as all guys wanting to have sex all the time. This is really a myth. I have a friend who could seriously go for months without it and not care. I think it has to do with levels of testosterone or something in each guy. Might be what's affecting your man.

      Good luck with your situation.
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      Le' Watcher
      post Dec 2 2007, 06:42 PM
      Post #76


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      Going back to the sex drive questions....just this morning my boyfriend and i had an arguement. I asked him last nite why we were only having sex in the morning, before he went to work. We've been together two years and the first year we were always in bed on the weekends having sex, eating and watching tv....he got all defensive and called me lazy for wanting to have sex all the time and lay around, when he says we could be doing more productive things. This wasnt my gripe tho. I just wanted to know why things changed with out at least a discussion. It just seemed to me like everytime i initiated he turned me down. I feel like we only have sex when he wants to, but what about me? I agree that sex, food and tv all weekend isnt productive, but talking about it is right? He says he loves having sex with me, that in other realationships, this was around the time that he got bored, but he hasnt felt that way with me. When we were arguing, it came to me that maybe he just couldnt keep up and didnt know how to say that. We do have an age diff im 26 hes about to turn 35. But that rationale doesnt make sense to me since we've been so active in the past. He;s been able to go and go with me. He insists that we have to go to the next level and that sex isnt so important that we have to argue about it. He kepts saying, "why are we arguing about sex, i cant beleive we arguing about this" I think sex is important. He even went as far as to ask how i would feel if he just wanted to stop having sex all together, I said that i would definitly have a prob with that. Anywho, now i just feel really bad, like im some crayz sex fein or something. Am i really being irrational? All i want is to be able to talk to him about my gripes without being called lazy, or feeling like my concerns are childish (his word)
      WHAT THE FUCK??? i thought all guys wanted to do was have sex all the time!!!


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      tesao
      post Dec 2 2007, 09:45 AM
      Post #77


      olha, que coisa mais linda.....
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      humanist: star and shiny are very wise. i agree with them, as well.

      several years ago (maybe 3, 4?) i was doing laundry and went into mr. hotbun's gym bag to get dirty clothes out of it. i found condoms. i FREAKED.

      fortunately, he wasn't home. i had a chance to sit down and talk to myself, and to convince myself to just ask him about it.

      when he came home, i was able to ask him (almost) rationally - i admit i was teary. turns out that they were ancient (he showed me the date on them). he just never throws stuff away.

      talk to him. who knows why this stuff was in the garbage?

      (((((((((humanist))))))))))

      let us know how it goes, ok?
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      shinyx3
      post Dec 2 2007, 09:10 AM
      Post #78


      go ahead . . . push the button!
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      humanist, i agree that you should talk to him. be open and honest. if he didn't want you to know, he would have hidden it better so i don't think it would even really shock him that you ask about it. let him know that you don't think he needs it at all. but sometimes it is about what he thinks and nt what you think at all so he may feel totally different than you and that is what you should probably talk about.


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      "Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live."
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      stargazer
      post Dec 2 2007, 08:10 AM
      Post #79


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      well, i would just ask him about it. i mean, you are curious. and i would simply state what you've told us how he is as a lover. and on a side note, knowing that boy is a taurus...um, taurus males do have some insecurity about being effective. if that makes sense. my best gay (who's a taurus) once took his neurotic fearing of not feeling he was able to stay hard enough to the doc to have his sperm count done. funny. man, hopefully, i don't sound crazy. but, i thought i would share.


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      humanist77
      post Dec 2 2007, 01:21 AM
      Post #80


      belligerently lazy
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      From: Chicago


      I hope this is the best thread to bring this up.
      Tonight I found a Fed Ex envelope in our bathroom garbage can, and curiously, I looked at it, to find stuff for male sex-enhancers. A small, empty box that had the pills in it, and an information sheet from the company that makes them.
      He's never even mentioned any interest in such a thing, much less that he's actually ordered them, and believe me, he doesn't need them. He's almost always able to last a long time, and he needs no help in the size department.
      I'm more bothered by the fact that he hasn't said anything about this than the fact that he thinks he needs it. I kind of feel like it's a big deal and it might be something he should discuss with me. On the other hand, I don't think he's necessarily hiding it from me, due to the fact that it was sitting on top of everything in the garbage can-so I have no reason to be suspicious. But don't I have a right to be in on this? Seeing that I'm the one he's using this for?
      I know it's kind of lame for me to be asking this-but is this something to be upset about? Or is it his business only? I haven't asked him about it yet; I'm not sure how to approach him.
      We've been with each other over 4 years, living together, and we're pretty open about our sex life. This just struck me as unusual...
      Thanks for any insight : )


      --------------------
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      -Matt Groening, Life in Hell
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      Lo-Fi Version Time is now: April 16, 2014 - 07:20 PM