[taracat]

Maybe some of you remember my disgusting boss with the wicked halitosis?? Well, I worked in a tiny office of a hotel in the sales department. I came into work one day, and the police are everywhere..... Wait until I say this......(ahem) We had been renting out a luxury suite for almost a week and a half, 9 FULL days to be exact, with a body inside the bed. OMG. I was in that room twice. I put a fruit basket in there, and then flowers. Some savvy little murderer cut a hole in the boxspring and shoved the body in there. I smelled nothing. Probably because I had to smell that bovine's breath every minute for 9 hours a day...eerrr. On a more facinating note, I did however take a looky peeky and I certainly smelled it when they wheeled it out in the hallway. IMAGINE, sleeping in there on a dead body, weeeeeeehooo. Horrible. No need to feel icky about it though, it was another murderer.

[auralpoison]

Actually, Lucizoe, I'm aiming for a one woman show called "Speaking Frankly" or some such. It's funny when you read it, but my delivery & timing are top notch.

It's true, though, Hellotampon! Is it that hard after the post-coital glow to knot off a condom & pitch it into the bin? I know my legs can be a bit shaky after a good rogering, but I can wait fifteen-twenty minutes & be courteous. Just because it's not my home & there is a maid doesn't mean I have the right to be a nasty, nasty pig. It always made me wonder if these people's homes were disgusting.

[hellotampon]

Personally, my favorite part was this: "Condoms just discarded anywhere; I've always thought it was polite to tie them off & trash them, but call me Emily Post."

:D

[lucizoe]

AP, you ARE going to write a memoir-esque book of short stories, right? jes checkin', 'cause I wanna read it

[auralpoison]

*AP bows* Thank you, thank you. Next show is at eleven. Remember to tip your server & if you're gonna drive, dont drink & if you're gonna drink, don't drive. *AP exits stage left, house lights go up*

[txplumwine]

Word, Herc - when I read that last night, I laughed so loud I think I woke the neighbors. Brava, AP, brava.

[herculesgirl]

I don't care how much I like a guy, he ain't stickin' a bottle of Cold Duck up my ginch. My shit's worth at least Cristal, motherfucker.

[pollystyrene]

Yeah, I've heard that they usually wash the comforters about once a year. Also, I never walk on hotel room carpeting barefoot, or put any clothes I'm going to wear again (like a jacket) on the floor- those places are a dustmite haven!

There's also been a bedbug outbreak in some places. Gotta watch out for those, too, now.

[auralpoison]

Sheets are usually okay. The pillows & comforters, not so much. I usually request an extra blanket & bring my own pillow, though. I'm a drooler & I know where my pillow has been.

[pollystyrene]

omg, how do you stay in a hotel after that, aural? Or do you? The more I hear about hotel nastiness, the more I think my childhood friend's wack-a-doo grandma wasn't so wack-a-doo after all for bringing her own sheets and pillows to hotels.

[auralpoison]

Hellotampon & Aquagirl2 requested that I post some nastiness about my time as a hotel maid.

The sickest thing I ever encountered was a room where it looked like a murder had taken place. Until you looked a little closer & saw all the downy feathers. Pheasants. A group of out of town hunters decided to clean their kills in their room rather than get blood all over the barn. Four guys, each guy maybe between two & four kills. Bloody mess.

On to hotels/motels sexually. First of all there are little swimmers/vaginal mucosa on almost every available surface. You name it, people will fuck on it/jerk all over it. How do you get ejaculate on the ceiling? Really? Did he stand on a chair on the bed? Had the room been rented to Ron Jeremy? Once I found several orgasms worth of cum on the bottom of a desk. The guy had been there about five days & must have jerked three times a day. Only found it because I couldn't figure out why that area reeked of sex & some of it had dripped onto the carpet below. It was on the chair, too. My suspicion: phone sex gone out of control. Still, tissues, gents. Tissues. They're part of the room. Condoms just discarded anywhere; I've always thought it was polite to tie them off & trash them, but call me Emily Post. I forgot to write the chapter about leaving them on the TV, the floor, in a drawer of the bedside table, in the pillowcase, or atop the Gideon Bible next to the phonebook. Sheets soaked in lubricants, all kinds. Vaseline, copious quantities of hand lotion, olive oil & once something that smelled & looked like cherry Chapstick. It was too... waxy to be any kind of real lube. I didn't inspect the trash too closely on that one. I didn't want to know how many tubes it would take. Foodstuffs that had obviously been, ah, implemented. In ways that left behind STRANGE viscera. If you're gonna stick something up there, eat it, don't leave smushed strawberries & ejculate in your sexual wake. A variety of empty bottles that had been inserted, champers being the most popular. I don't care how much I like a guy, he ain't stickin' a bottle of Cold Duck up my ginch. My shit's worth at least Cristal, motherfucker. I think the tackiest thing was the time they didn't take their oily drop cloth with them. I brought in three other girls to help; we each took a corner so everything slid to the middle & nothing icky spilled out. I don't know if they were shooting a porno or what, but it was a mess. If I can think of anything else, I'll come back.

On the same note, women will do stuff in bathrooms that are unimaginable. 'Pons & pads galore even though the bin is less that a foot away. Blood on fixtures, all over the toilet. Trying to flush a pad (Who does THIS? It says on the box that they're not toilet safe.) & leaving pink, clotty water half inch deep on the floor & not putting down any towels. Unflushed waste. Peeing all over everything, not just the toilet.

[princesslala]

My mum and auntie were in a store with my then 2 year old brother.
They weren't paying a ton of attention (ahhh. the fifties) and he got away from them.
They were looking for him and asking for help when a couple of nuns(yes, nuns) pointed over and said, "Is that him?"
They looked to where the nuns were pointing and there was my brother, pants around his ankles, pissing into one of the lingerie drawers he'd pulled open.
My mother, horrified, turned to my auntie and very loudly said, "Have you no control whatsoever over your child?" and stormed off.
My auntie walked over, pulled up my brother's pants, closed the drawer, took his hand, and calmly led him away.
When she and my mom would tell this story, they'd both nearly piss their own pants and one would always choke out, "imagine the poor salesgirl who finally opened that drawer?"

[hellotampon]

Oh my god, Jem. My mother used to do that in stores and then loudly blame me, during my "I can't be seen in public with my mother" phase. She cracked herself up doing that, and then when my sister got to be that age she moved on to loudly announcing, "My butt itches" and watching my sister squirm and walk faster away from her.

[deschatsrouge]

The diaper thing is why I'm a regular on "child free by choice."

[lurvpaint]

I just had to have my bathtub snaked. Sadly the dude did it while I was at work. He left a note that said he found a huge wad of hair. My thinking is that it must have been rather magnificent for him to say it was huge - seeing as how snaking drains is part and parcel for his J.O.B.. I wish I knew how to do that hanger in the drain trick. Where do you stick the hanger? Where the "tubman with the funny nose" lives or just down the drain?

In other mildly interesting news.... I was checking me out in the magnifying mirror and I saw what looked like some flakey skin. I had my tweesers so I pulled on it and I guess it was some crazy pointy pore plug because it left a deep hole about 4-5 times larger than any other pore on my face.

OH! my friend with the babies. Yesterday the 6 month old had what she called 'an amazing Poopsplosion' it went down his leg and squished clear up to his neck. THEN! the two year-old must have made a right, nice poop because while she was tring to clean the little one up the dog kept trying to get into the toddler's diapers.

So she was wrestling the poop covered baby while trying to keep the dog from eating the older baby's pants. And this is why there is a Mother's Day I guess.

[jemisoutrageous]

Yeah, so I was browsing through the crowded bath product area of marshall's yesterday and suddenly let out this REALLY LOUD FART and one of the women in the aisle was so surprized she dropped what she was holding. I tried to play it cool but it smelled really bad and I was getting all these horrifed glares so I ran away giggling and then hunched over behind the men's ties, gafawing.

[princesslala]

Update:
My sink is still clogged.
Yes, from all that time ago.
Still clogged.
Wait 'til Mr. Lala opens that sucker up!
I've actually been holding it off so as to more fully savour the anticipation.
It is going to be rather fantastic!

[deschatsrouge]

That clogged drain thing happens to me when my
Brothers and Dad visit with their kitten-like mounds of back/chest/nose/ear hair.

[herculesgirl]

I noticed that the drain in my bathtub was very slow, so I cleaned it out manually yesterday, using a bent coat hanger to hook onto the mess inside. OMG...WADS of slimy, black-goo-encrusted hair...absolutely DISGUSTING. No smell when I took it out (it was still wet), but I put it in the bathroom trash can and later when it started to dry it smelled like moldy death warmed over. I had to take it outside because the smell was making me nauseous...*shudder*...

[msgoofball]

mr. gb has a pustule that has been previously drained by him, has sealed itself again, and is looking to be needing draining again...alas, he wouldn't let me at it last nite...so maybe when he gets back....