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> Growing Up Girl, Things You Wish You Had Known Way Back When
Persiflager
post Dec 20 2010, 05:39 AM
Post #1


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


I second the breakfast advice!

I am currently obsessed with porridge.


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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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epinephrine
post Dec 15 2010, 09:43 AM
Post #2


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From: Chongqing, China


The easier choice is usually the wrong one.

Facing pain is better than avoiding it.

Breakfast really is as important as everyone says.


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To be free one must give up a little part of oneself.
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anarch
post Dec 13 2010, 01:31 PM
Post #3


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This organization is cool. I wish there'd been something like this when I was growing up, so it would've been easier to practice networking, public speaking, activism etc before adulthood.

Girls For A Change is a national organization that empowers girls to create social change. We invite young women to design, lead, fund and implement social change projects that tackle issues girls face in their own neighborhoods.
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anarch
post Sep 22 2010, 12:29 PM
Post #4


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Yeah, your words dovetail with something that's been on my mind for the past several months. I was thinking about coming in here and putting it out there:

Listen to your misgivings, especially about sex and romance.


(My current situation is really good on the whole, and I'll keep re-assessing over the years, but I've been thinking about this a lot, and the shit that literally fucked up my health and that I still have to guard against means, frankly, that lately this relationship is in the red, as far as what I've put into it and what I've gotten out of it. I wish someone had told me to listen to my misgivings. I might not have listened to whoever would have said it, but I might have.)

Quoting Zoya for truth:

Your gut KNOWS.

You don't have to wait for a logical, rational reason to surface before you get the hell out.
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sukouyant
post Sep 22 2010, 10:02 AM
Post #5


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From: Canada


I love that advice Zoya. It should be in every girl's coming of age greeting card or something, or her first needlepoint excercise or carved somewhere.
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zoya
post Sep 18 2010, 01:39 PM
Post #6


uh huh.
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if it doesn't feel right, it's most likely not.


if a guy is into you, he will leave you with no doubt and no inconsistencies. If you're led to doubt so much by him, cut your losses and cut him loose. You'll feel much better without the burden of craziness. People don't change, he wont.


You can't get played if you're not playing. The minute you see fucked up cycles repeat, get the fuck out and stop the game. You're only hurting yourself if you let the play go on - cause girl, your gut KNOWS.
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Persiflager
post Jul 9 2010, 07:58 AM
Post #7


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From: Babylon


That a firm, loud "No" and a smack with a rolled-up newspaper work just as well with people as with dogs. tongue.gif Partly it's the element of surprise!


--------------------
“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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RoxieRage
post Jun 14 2010, 08:00 PM
Post #8


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I wish I had known as a teenager that no one is going to give you the love you want if you beg for it and change yourself to suit who you want to love you. It wasn't until I had my heart ripped out at 21 that I put my foot down with myself and spent the next year searching for ME rather than for the Next Mr. Right Now Maybe Probably Not. I could have saved myself a lot of self-destructive behavior had I only tried to realize my own self-worth instead of changing whatever I thought was wrong and was the reason the person I wanted didn't want me.
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sageykins
post Jun 14 2010, 04:08 PM
Post #9


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AP I really like that! I used to journal all the time- it's been ages though now... I do keep a blog. But being a grown up I don't so much qualify anymore smile.gif But I'd be interested in seeing what comes of this project.
One thing I did do is blog to my 10 year old self.
http://nannyk8reallife.blogspot.com/2007/0...-self-dear.html
Sometimes I really wish I had been able to do this, or someone else would have written me a letter as an adult to my 10 or 15 or 18 year old self- It's incredibly likely that no matter what someone else would have said, I wouldn't have listened, but maybe I would have done some things a little bit differently.
I realize that's kind of what we're doing on this forum- but I wish there was some way to present some of this to teen girls/preteen girls now...
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auralpoison
post Jun 3 2010, 11:22 AM
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I thought this was a cool idea. Sadly, I wasn't ever a journal person. Too many trust issues to write shit down.


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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archegonia
post May 27 2010, 07:42 AM
Post #11


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From: an octopods garden


i went out this weekend for the first time since BOXing day. i was talking to my friends little sister. i'd give her 21 or 20. bleached hair, icing of makeup, great short skirt, most amazing heels and the talent to walk in them. she was sweet but slightly vacant. there was a cosmo mag floating around. (you wouldn't believe the shit that mag perpetuates) she had it open to a page with this headline: why men are attracted to skanks. i shit you not. a friend has since told me that the article wasnt too bad and was encouraging inner beauty but i say why even allow the word skank an all that comes with it to exist? i told the little sister about marrying the two mary's. she said affirmative things like 'i know right?' but its impossible to say if she got it. lol, linds said she definitely did not, she woke up and told her boyfriend about how this 'old chick' was pulling some 'jesus shit' on her last night. lol, but i have faith. i like to think she got the gist.

marrying the two mary's is a mission of tori amos's (i swear i dont work for her, her music's just getting me thru a lot right now) its a beautiful concept, one i think we've all touched but i think she puts it very eloquently:

"In traditional christianity the false split gave us 2 characteristics: the virgin Mary and the Magdalene. Of course, within the psyche they must be joined, not polarized for christian women to feel whole. The Virgin Mary has been tripped of her sexuality but has retained her spirituality; the Magdalene has been stripped of her spirituality but has retained her sexuality. Each must have her wholeness. I call this 'marrying the two Mary's'

"There are so many people who come to my shows with this division in them. It seems that you cant be though of as a Divine Mother type and have the respect of those around you if you're also the sacred prostitute. We divide and and conquer on the deepest of levels, by cutting off our own spiritual Being from our own physical Being. Talk about painful. I lived it myself at one point. To have sex, I had to take on a character, because I couldn't be the me that i know and look at in the mirror and express all the different things i wanted to. Basically I didn't know how to 'do what i did under the covers' and then turn around and pick up my glasses and books and go to the library as the same person. I am both of those creatures; they are one person; but it was proving difficult to gather all those pieces and have them live together as one integrated Being. And, of course, I see it in the world all the time - the men go to the mistress and then to the wife. and the wife gets resentful because she's not allowed to experience or express that overtly sexual side of herself, and then the mistress gets vindictive because she doesn't get Christmas or Easter.

"The piano is the bridge that resolves these elements. Music has an almost chemical quality. And there's more than one voice on the piano. You have 2 hands. One can be playing a celestial melody while the other is doing quite the opposite. The joining of the profane and the sacred, or the passionate and the compassionate, happens right there on the keyboard. It reconciles a bond severed a long time ago. There's so much shame around passion's innate hunger, which sometimes can be deemed profane, but music can access its reality: that which has been sacred but has been severed."



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anarch
post May 19 2010, 12:43 AM
Post #12


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This doesn't quite fit the theme, but it fits better here than any other thread I can think of. It's certainly something that would be better to know about sooner, rather than later:

Why you should never talk to the police (besides name and DOB) if they think you're a suspect. Even if you're innocent and every word you say is the truth.

Video features a law professor talking about US law and taking the fifth (much, much more interesting than it sounds). Comments afterwards talk about relevance to Canadian context. Not sure how it would work in other countries.
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lananans
post Feb 20 2010, 07:29 PM
Post #13


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star -- I feel the same way. I look back on a time in my life where I hated my body and thought I was sooo fat (about 16-19) and I think, damn.. I looked good. I have to learn to love myself more. I'm trying, but it's hard. I wish I could go back and tlel my 16 year old self to buck up and not be so self conscious.
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nickclick
post Feb 1 2010, 09:03 AM
Post #14


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star, don't forget that in the future when you look back at recent pix of yourself that you'll think the same thing!
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stargazer
post Feb 1 2010, 12:22 AM
Post #15


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I'm so glad I was thinking about this thread this weekend. I've read lots of good information I can apply to my own life.

I really liked this one...

QUOTE(Beauty & her Bass @ Jan 6 2007, 11:43 AM) *
Only the people who don't really like you for you care about what your outside appearance is.


For the past month, I've looked at pictures from when I was a teenager 'til my 20s. I never knew how much I did not like myself, especially my appearance. I look back at those pictures and think, "I looked pretty good." I wish I would've appreciated myself more when I was younger. For 2010, I'm working on accepting myself. I guess there is no time like the present.



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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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classy lady
post Nov 12 2009, 11:53 PM
Post #16


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I wish I would have realized (back in the day... which was a Wednesday....) that guys who strung you along, kept you waiting by the phone, passive aggressively yet oh so subtlety tried to push your limits- sexually or otherwise, were sooooo not effing worth it.

Despite my many feminist critiques of the book- He's Just Not That Into You taught me more about what I deserved in relationships than 3 years of therapy, go figure.

Ladies- don't put up with BS. We are awesome, brilliant, gorgeous women and we deserve the best.
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MadameHooch
post Oct 24 2009, 05:46 PM
Post #17


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I honestly wish I listened to my mother in area, and one area only: I wish I waited longer to lose my virginity, and thought twice about a great deal of the people I have fooled around or slept with.

I totally believe a woman has the right to satisfy her needs on an as-needed basis, but at 14, 15, 16, and even 17/18, I hadn't really developed those needs yet. I was sexually curious and ready to try, but more of those guys than I like to admit were poor decisions and I was blowing them or fucking them for all the wrong reasons. It took me a long time to learn that. I'm not ashamed or bothered by my number, really, and I know people who are a lot worse off than I am....I just feel terrible about how many times I let a guy use me, and didn't realize how I was being taken advantage of until I was older.

I hope if I have sons, I am able to raise them to be respectful to women.
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Persiflager
post May 19 2009, 04:16 AM
Post #18


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From: Babylon


That's a great point about sport, epinephrine - I'm just starting to get into fitness now, and and wish I'd started years ago. I never realised it could feel so good!

I've thought of another one - sometimes the best thing you can do is talk to her, ask her what she thinks, and take her opinions seriously. My dad always treated me as if I was a person worth listening to, so I always felt that way growing up.


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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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epinephrine
post May 18 2009, 10:10 PM
Post #19


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From: Chongqing, China


I'm with KittenB - being told how to think isn't good for anybody. Not that I'm saying that's what you're trying to do, Hellowren; just saying that, when you approach this issue, keep that in mind. Provide her with a little context about women in our society, but don't go trying to replace the things she likes with the things you like. Depending on how sheltered her life has been, 11 isn't that young - chances are, she's already noticed that society is sexist and she just hasn't learned to articulate that to herself yet. I was a very sheltered kid, and I was certainly aware of it. If you're hanging out with her and you see or hear something that you find sexist or offensive, say something about it - that's setting an example and promoting critical thinking. But there's no need to go into feminist theory or history with her or anything like that. She'll come to that on her own. What an 11-year-old needs most is the freedom to be themselves without fear of judgment, and that's all you need to give her. All a girl needs to be a feminist is the belief that she is just as valuable and entitled to the same rights as any male, and that's obvious to anyone who was raised to think for themselves.

I think one of the most empowering things a girl can do is get involved in sports. She'll learn that her body is strong and needs food and love and care to be stronger. She'll learn that looks aren't important, and she's just as valuable a human being when she's all sweaty and muddy and she's wearing ugly old shorts and her hair's a mess. She'll learn to be independent if she does sports on her own, or she'll learn to be a part of a team. The more time she spends preoccupied with improving her skills, her game and her fitness, the less time she'll have to think about what everyone else thinks of her and how fat she is and how to please boys and all that stuff that made us miserable when we were 12. It'll give her some focus, some discipline, something to aspire to. And the peer group she'll get involved with will share all these things with her and help to reinforce it. Plus, fitness is good for her emotionally, as well as physically, and will help with the adolescent mood swings. As her cousin, and not her parent, I know it's not your role to be signing her up for teams or anything, but maybe you could take her out to kick a ball around or something and pique her interst that way. If she's not into the idea of playing sports, maybe try and get her interested in martial arts or self-defense classes. Those are empowering on a really obvious level and most kids love the idea of being able to kick someone else's ass. If you're really concerned about her, or if you just have that kind of relationship with her parents, maybe you could try and put a bug in their ear about it. I think it's invaluable, and has kept me out of trouble for years. If I hadn't committed myself to fitness when I was 11, I'm 90% sure I would have developed an eating disorder eventually. But it's hard to hate your body when it just won you a game or did 200 situps or ran 5 miles.

For the most part, though, remember what you and your friends were like at her age and don't expect her to be any different. Just be her cool big cousin and try to expand her world a little. She'll grow up fine.


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crazyoldcatlady
post May 10 2009, 12:31 PM
Post #20


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a relationship is not a healthy relationship if you censor yourself out of fear that the other person will withdrawal his/her love/friendship if you don't.
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