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> Sex and Long-Term Relationships
dayglowpink
post Feb 18 2008, 08:23 PM
Post #41


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That's really interesting, crinoline. I've always loved hearing my name during sex, but for some reason I have a hard time saying my guy's name. I also usually say babe if anything. I'm not sure where my issue comes from, but I think it does have something to do with holding myself back. Maybe it feels too intimate, and that's scary for me?? I'll have to think about it.

Sex issues in my relationship are getting annoying. We've reached some kind of standoff about sex a lot of the time. Both of us want to have things spiced up, but we then we each start resenting the other for not making enough of an effort, and then we (individually) say fuck it, so nothing changes. We've had a couple of talks about it where we seem to understand each other, but then things still don't change. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting effort in, but he doesn't perceive it as enough, and he tends to just shut down and focus on himself. It's frustrating. We're both very very sexual people, and it doesn't seem like it should be this difficult. I guess emotional issues become involved, and there are some problems in that area, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised that they come out in the bedroom.
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crinoline
post Feb 18 2008, 01:20 PM
Post #42


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From: Deep South, U.S.A.


I discovered something about my relationship last night.
It's always bothered me that Crinoboy never, ever says my name in the context of sex. Once we start getting amorous, I'm strictly "baby". I confronted him about it, and he got really uncomfortable. It's like by avoiding using my name he's been hoping to somehow "leave me out of it". Because I'm a "lady", he thought that by never using my name I could somehow still remain "pure".
Talk about your madonna/whore dichotomy.
So I explained how that makes me feel (bad/left out) and he was willing to try it. So last night, for the first time he used my name while I was doing something "dirty". It was awesome! It was hot and intimate and beautiful. I think we both realized that we were holding ourselves back in some ways because of our culture and preconceptions.
Now I can't wait to try it again. It sounds like a small thing, but it felt like a big step for us.


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pure-liquid-wond...
post Feb 11 2008, 07:35 PM
Post #43


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Yes! I have this problem. Like Crinoboy, my guy is a 'I thought about fucking you. The End' kinda guy. It hasn't caused any problems for us though I just accepted that he likes things plain and simple whereas i need whole scenarios.

Oh by the way i just joined so if this post looks really fucked up...that is why.
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BustiRubi
post Jan 27 2008, 02:03 AM
Post #44


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Starship, I totally understand. I'm really just a nice sweet person and my bf thinks i'm cute but I can tell he gets turned on by seeing me switch to sexy heheh happy.gif

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Owl_Gang_Girl
post Jan 22 2008, 02:47 PM
Post #45


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You're lucky that people think you're cute and sweet. People just expect me to be a rough, tough, sex addict type or even worse some sort of a boy-girl hybrid. Just because I can talk to men and sometimes turn the air blue doesn't mean i'm not a big, soppy girl who likes al green songs when I do it and hair stroking in the morning!! I'm just glad my boyfriend knows when to mess around and when to treat me like a woman.
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starship
post Jan 18 2008, 03:39 PM
Post #46


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about the 'cute/sweet persona'- i actually like the fact that I'm often a lot different to what people expect based on first appearences. It's fun to break a few stereotypes wink.gif
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LoveMyPugs
post Jan 17 2008, 09:38 PM
Post #47







rudderless - on new years eve, this dude that i'm not crazy about was at this party i was attending. he walked up on me telling a group of my girlfriends about the hitachi mr. pug just bought me. i was going into graphic details about how great it is. the girls were asking questions and laughing and he was just shocked that I !!!! would know about such things. I wanted slap him. I hate how people think they know you based off of your looks. We also started talking about piercings and how he has his navel done and I mentioned that I have my nipples done and his jaw hit the floor.
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opheliathemuse
post Jan 16 2008, 11:00 PM
Post #48


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/cheers ven is baaaaack =)

Don't see much of you much either, rudderless. I spose I stick in the wrong threads!

I wouldn't push for specifics, but Banshee, maybe try something you like and see whether he likes it. Just small. If you are inclined to thinking it's bdsm, are you open to that? If so, are you willing to learn more about it? You sound as though you have your suspicions, and he also sounds somewhat like he is putting you on a pedestal. Maybe you can show him you can do double duty. Also, what do you like? it's important to please him, but it's equally important to tell him what you want. Write him a dirty letter maybe...? It might reset the "too cute" perception.

*my appearance is often "too cute" so I too have to think of innovative ways to get around that at first. Good luck!


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venetia
post Jan 15 2008, 04:35 PM
Post #49


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(Hiya!! - I'm on dial-up, so Bust takes a while - even with the images turned off - and also trying to finish a PhD thesis, but I thought I'd drop in)
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venetia
post Jan 14 2008, 11:03 PM
Post #50


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I don't think I'd push too hard if the other person seemed genuinely reticent. Sometimes people just want to keep part of their sexuality private or unspoken, maybe until it comes up naturally, maybe it will never come up.

In the case of Bansheeboy it sounds like maybe he does want to share whatever-it-is, but what if Crinoboy is like, say, me, and really doesn't have much in the way of fantasies?

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banshee
post Jan 14 2008, 10:05 PM
Post #51


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QUOTE(crinoline @ Jan 11 2008, 03:13 PM) *
Thanks for the support y'all!
Yeah, I feel much better about it today. I just sort of panicked right after because it had never happened to me before. Crinoboy is the only man I've ever physically "wanted" (IRL, not counting the Depp, of course!).

Crinoboy and I don't share fantasies because he "doesn't have them". I've tried, but where mine are always narrative with costumes and scenery his fall along the lines of "I thought about fucking you. The end.". So we never get anywhere. Does anyone have tips for getting a shy, stubborn guy to come out of his shell and risk a little imagination?


i have a similar dilema with my boy. my boy, we'll call him Banshee Boy, has been extremely reticient to tell me about the things that really get him off. we've been dating for about 8 months and have already moved in together. everything's great. he's a great guy and he says he's having a hard time confessing his kinks to me because he loves me so much and partly because i'm "too cute" and "too sweet." he feels "bad" about "corrupting" me. maybe some of this has something to with the age difference (i'm 26, he's 40).

i try to encourage him by suggesting how hot it should be - getting to corrupt a youngin'... but he's still holding back. i've also encouraged him to put together a porn compilation... figuring that maybe it would be easier for him to show me what he likes instead of telling me flat out. he's dragging his feet. its frustrating because i really want to make sure i'm satisfying him sexually - but its hard to do that if i don't know what that entails. i think he's afraid that his fantasies might offend my feminist sensibilities (i'm assuming it's some kind of bdsm???). no matter how many times i try to convince him that i won't judge him, he's still reluctant to fess up.

crino: unlike crinoboy, Banshee Boy acknowledges he *has* fantasies... he just won't divulge them. the only thing that we've established is that it doesn't involve fecal matter or beastiality (phew!). (as an aside: i have to say the "I thought about fucking you. The End" line left me in stitches!)

anyone else encountered this particular dilema in a relationship?


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shinyx3
post Jan 12 2008, 12:25 PM
Post #52


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crin, my hubby is, deep down, a good irish catholic and i can not get him to talk about fantasies either. he seems to like when i do but is not willing to himself. it is sorta funny to me because i also grew up pretty strict religiously but i am do not at all associate with the church i was raised in. (quite frankly they disgust me) he is not a practicing catholic and doesn't even believe it anymore. (he is a scientist and they don't jive) but once i caught him looking at porn and the look on his face was priceless! it was like a kid that had been caught stealing cookies. the funny thing is i have no worry or problem with porn and even funnier is that he doesn't seem to like porn much. anyway, my point is that there can be alot of guilt associated with sex when it was always refered to as a no no because of religion. i think that can be a real challenge to get over.


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crinoline
post Jan 11 2008, 02:56 PM
Post #53


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Thanks for the support y'all!
Yeah, I feel much better about it today. I just sort of panicked right after because it had never happened to me before. Crinoboy is the only man I've ever physically "wanted" (IRL, not counting the Depp, of course!).

LMP- that's a good point on there being aspects of crinoboy there, even though he wasn't. That makes me feel better.

Stargazer - while my family is non-practicing, I attended a religious school (where I met crinoboy!), and I was born and raised in the Bible belt. At school we had daily chapel and weekly church, and our sex ed consisted of a preacher's wife teaching us abstinence. So I do find that I have guilt issues related to that, and it does feel very "naughty" to break the rules.

The more I think about it, the less scary the dream seems. I think it was more an expression of my sexual maturity, or "coming into my own" or whatever. I feel like I would be able to respond positively to J as the woman I am, instead of with fear as the girl I was. Sex doesn't scare me anymore, it isn't dirty or wrong, and I feel good about that.

Crinoboy and I don't share fantasies because he "doesn't have them". I've tried, but where mine are always narrative with costumes and scenery his fall along the lines of "I thought about fucking you. The end.". So we never get anywhere. Does anyone have tips for getting a shy, stubborn guy to come out of his shell and risk a little imagination?


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LoveMyPugs
post Jan 10 2008, 10:29 PM
Post #54







QUOTE(crinoline @ Jan 10 2008, 05:52 PM) *
Is this unreasonable? Is it normal to feel guilty over something like this, or should I chalk it up to random synapses?


crinoline -

i often have sex dreams in general. to be honest they are sometimes off the wall. i dream about having sex with mr. pug's friends often. i tell him about it of course because i tell him everything. he's never bothered by it.

the thing that always interests me and makes me feel better i guess is that even though i'm "cheating" in my dreams the sex is always like the sex i have with mr. pug. other times, it's his head on another person's body or another person's head on his body. 99% of the time my sex dreams usually contain some aspect of mr. pug or my relationship with him. so in my mind, even thought i'm cheating, it's like i still want him and only him. kind of like when you said, "J does this open mouth thing on my throat that Crinoboy always does and suddenly I'm wild" it's it funny how the thing he does to you that puts you over the edge is what Crinoboy does to you. that's what you want. that's what turns you on. what your man and lover does to you. a stranger wouldn't know that. your one and only does. that's what counts.

when i wake up all hot and bothered i usually want sex and mr. pug makes out in the long run.

i, like you, are as loyal as they come and would never dream of cheating on mr. pug (IRL). i don't know what causes the dreams. i'm a horny chick so that might really have something to do with it laugh.gif . i wouldn't worry about it so.

i find that i have most of my sex dreams when i'm on my period. usually because i want it and it's not happening. the other night i know i had a sex dream althought i can't remember what happened. i woke mr. pug up in the middle of the night and wanted to mess around even though i was still asleep. then i rolled over leaving mr. pug high and dry and didn't remember anything the next morning. it's crazy shit in my head sometimes.

something funny to add. one time mr. pug had a dream that i went down on one of his best friends. he was furious the next day. he could hardly look at me let alone his friend the next time he saw him. i thought it was really amusing.

don't worry about it. it was after all just a dream.
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stargazer
post Jan 10 2008, 07:56 PM
Post #55


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crino, were you brought up in a strict religious faith? something about this dream deals with hiding or the turn on of getting caught....breaking the rules. also, the aspect of the ex. have you been thinking about him recently? it seems like a harmless dream. and you know, you can still fantasize about others and remain committed and faithful to crinoboy. you are a living human being. do you and crinoboy share sex fantasies with one another? this dream could serve as a way to add something fun to your sex life. just a thought.


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nickclick
post Jan 10 2008, 04:42 PM
Post #56


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QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 8 2007, 03:03 PM) *
Nickclick, I appreciate your 2 cents smile.gif How long were you and your EX together for? I feel very guilty about leaving him...I know that sounds cheesy...I play the relationship over and over in my head , trying to figure it all out and where/when he lost interest/started being so much more angry towards me and selfish. He is like a seesaw(spelling?). One minute we get along great, next he is an self righteous ass and I would love nothing more than to smack him upside the head!! All in all..he is not such a bad person, he works hard and takes care of our home..my problem is that I want more than just a friend w/ occassional benefits. I want love and respect and yeah..some romance! To feel sexy and wanted by him would be nice too! biggrin.gif

hi leathergirl, are you still lurking? sorry. how are things going? we were together over 9 years! ugh. we deserve all the love and respect and romance.

crinoline, i'm no dream analyst or whatev, but i don't think having a sex dream with another person necessarily means you want to have sex with someone else. it could just mean you're bored with some aspect of your life, i dunno. either way, at least you did so in your dream/fantasy/subconscious life, not your real one! enjoy your imagination... sounded like a fun dream to me!
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crinoline
post Jan 10 2008, 04:35 PM
Post #57


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'kay, so this might be a lil crazy, but I have been feeling guilty all day because I had a sex dream. My first vivid, explicit sex dream that did not feature Crinoboy.
I mean, in the dream I was aware that I was being unfaithful, but I didn't care because it felt so good. IRL I would never even dip a toe into infidelity, and the dream really bothers me. Here's the dream in a nutshell for you analysts:
I am in highschool, walking with the rest of my class to weekly Church. Next to me is J, the boy I dated before Crinoboy my junior year. (IRL I broke up with J because I was a late bloomer and he was very aggressive and a little oversexed) He suddenly pulls me into the bushes off of the path. I protest that we'll get in trouble and I'm with Crinoboy now, but he says he doesn't care and starts kissing me. I resist until J does this open mouth thing on my throat that Crinoboy always does and suddenly I'm wild. We start to really makeout against a tree, and oddly the dry-humping that always bothered and frightened me with J IRL is very exciting in the dream. So, long story short we go much further than we ever did IRL when he shoves his hand down my panties. Later he spins me around for doggy style sex against the tree.

I woke up feeling hot and bothered (that almost-orgasm thing from a wet dream) and very, very guilty. I could barely look him in the eye this morning until after I'd showered.

Is this unreasonable? Is it normal to feel guilty over something like this, or should I chalk it up to random synapses?


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mariahill_sex_to...
post Jan 7 2008, 01:39 AM
Post #58


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I think ex are more or less all the same ! how sad !


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leathergrl
post Dec 8 2007, 01:46 PM
Post #59


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QUOTE(nickclick @ Dec 4 2007, 02:22 PM) *
EXAAAAAAAAAACTLY how i used to feel before breaking up with my long-term ex.
EXAAAAAAAACTLY what my ex said, often.

my EX.

i have to agree with pugs that from what you say, he irks me too. other times you've tried to talk to him, is there always confrontation?

(thanks for letting me de-lurk to add my 2cents)


Nickclick, I appreciate your 2 cents smile.gif How long were you and your EX together for? I feel very guilty about leaving him...I know that sounds cheesy...I play the relationship over and over in my head , trying to figure it all out and where/when he lost interest/started being so much more angry towards me and selfish. He is like a seesaw(spelling?). One minute we get along great, next he is an self righteous ass and I would love nothing more than to smack him upside the head!! All in all..he is not such a bad person, he works hard and takes care of our home..my problem is that I want more than just a friend w/ occassional benefits. I want love and respect and yeah..some romance! To feel sexy and wanted by him would be nice too! biggrin.gif
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leathergrl
post Dec 6 2007, 07:38 PM
Post #60


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QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Dec 4 2007, 12:59 PM) *
leathergrl - no offense but your man sounds very condescending. he irritates me just reading your posts. i'd have none of that if i were you. "smiled and walked away" fuck him. don't let him walk away from you when you're expressing concern about a certain aspect of your relationship that's important to you. WTF? I really wonder what he'd say if you told him you were leaving. Would he care? Do you think he'd care? i mean i'm not by any means telling you to play that card but still. He doesn't sound like he cares much. Sorry but your posts make me irritated with him. Who does he think he is?



Sorry...he irks me too!!! About 7 weeks ago I told him (I think I will refer to my boyfriend as "Pus") about my emotional affair with a coworker, that had lasted about 5 months. We would spend time talking and laughing. He loved EVERYTHING about me. He was sweet and kind to me and made me feel so good about myself...he wanted more, but I was not ready to jump full speed into another relationship, esp. when I had to get through my current one. We no longer talk. So "Pus" handled it well. He actually apologized and said it was his fault, that he had not made an effort when I had talks w/ him before about my needs and not being happy. Quite surprising that he was OK w/ what I had done. (No sex was involved). He said he would make things "right" this time. That lasted about 3 weeks! smile.gif I AM working on my plan "B". Putting some finaces aside so I can move out. I do believe I've played the fool long enough. It does disturb me how unintereseted in sex he is. And no, he won't go to the MD or store to fix things...tried that. You are right...F Him!!!!!
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