[foryoursplendor]

I've got a real doozy here.

My cousin was shot on Wednesday by her ex-boyfriend. He'd been cheating on her, they broke up and he started a new relationship with the cheatee. I don't know what the circumstances were exactly about why he would shoot her, I haven't been able to speak with her yet. She's in the hospital, there are armed police standing outside her door because the Ex hasn't been caught yet. They're not allowing any visitors until he's in custody.

My cousin and this guy have 2 kids together. They were in the apartment when all this happened. Even when I find out what happened between them, I imagine I still won't be able to wrap my head around what motivates a person to try to kill someone.

She was a really beautiful girl. She has burns on her face/head from the blast and she's lost an arm now because it was shattered when she used it to shield her face when he shot her.

Here's the official news story.

[candycane_girl]

I've thought about Al-Anon. I don't know. At this point I am sooooo busy that any free time I have is devoted to just relaxing. Honestly, it's just like I have so much going on with school right now and that coupled with a job that has a lot of events going on....it's just too much for me to try to devote time to something else right now.

And yes, he is an alcoholic. The worst part is that when he and my mom were dating he hardly ever drank. Basically he went through some bad business deals in the 80s and started drinking to cope with the stress. It was a long time before my mom even realized what was going on because he always drinks in secret. I was born in 84 and I think a lot of the bad business happened around that time so I've never known him any other way.

It's just so stupid. I know that there have been a lot of times that I've gone out drinking with friends and gotten drunk but I don't drink everyday and I definitely don't drink to try to deal with stress. There was one time that I drank when I was in a bad mood and it just made me feel even worse. I don't understand why anyone thinks that drinking will take away worries. As soon as you're sober again, the worries are right back there to face you.

I always think of a quote my mom put on our fridge. It went something like "Don't try to drown your sorrows in alcohol. Sorrows can swim."

[rogue]

((((CCG))))

That sucks. I've never had an alcoholic family member so I don't really know what to say but I guess I just wanted you to know that someone is listening (even though I'm sure you know that). I don't even know if he is an alcoholic because you didn't really come out and say that specifically, but I get the impression that he drinks a lot.

That being said, I've been seeing a lot of commercials for al-anon lately - is that something you might want to look into? Like, maybe talking to professionals about it? I just hope that things get better. We both have been having a lot of family aggravations lately, that's for sure!

[candycane_girl]

I love my dad but I called home tonight and he answered the phone and I said it sounded like I had woken him up. He said no, that he and my mom were just finishing dinner. Then I talked to my mom (he went off to bed) and she said that he had so much to drink that he could barely eat his dinner and was holding his head in his hands at dinner just to stay upright. I hate that there's always going to be some part of me that thinks he might stop drinking. I try so hard to make myself realize that it will probably never happen but when I'm around him and he's sober it's like, so great and I just think that maybe he'll wake up and want to stop drinking. Argh.

[rogue]

CCG your grandmother sounds a lot like my grandmother! She would argue with someone like that too. I think that's why I am of the school of just letting her be as well. I don't bother arguing with her because she would never admit to being wrong anyway. It sucks that she is like that but I am kind of in the "she's 83 years old, just let it be" mindset.

As for my stepsister, I don't really have to see her on holidays because I don't spend time with my father and stepfamily on holidays. Since my father and mother split when I was four there has never been one Christmas or New Year's or anything where I have spent the time with them. My mother and I spent the last 21 years together so I stay with her, especially since she has no other children. It might be different if I were a child of a set that she and my father had while together, but it just isn't so. I feel that my father has his "wife" (actually his GF - he and my mother are still not legally divorced and obviously that means he and my stepmother cannot be married), and when all my stepbrothers/stepsister/half-sister were kids and lived at home he had all of them, too, which is why I never felt the need to be there (nor have I ever felt like I was wanted there during holidays) and I hate thinking of my mother being alone on those days so I have never gone. I have actually spent one Thanksgiving and two Easters with my stepfamily, but it was only when I was 19, 22, and 24, respectively. This is a really long explaination to just say "no, I will most likely not see her on holidays", but you know.

Truthfully, she was being a brat. You hit the nail on the head there. She was being the most bratty 24-year-old bridezilla I have ever witnessed in all my time attending weddings. I honestly believe that what she did and how she acted was completely and utterly wrong and unwarranted. Like I said, I'm not going to be mean to her but I'm also not going to go out of my way to be nice to her either. I just don't have the patience for it. I just got out of a controlling and horrible two year relationship and now that I have a renewed sense of self and independence, there is no way I'll be going back to being treated like a doormat. Kind of like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I guess.

[candycane_girl]

Rogue, I'm glad you survived the day but I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that in the first place. To me it really sounds like your step-sister was just being a brat, plain and simple. Do you have to see her during holidays and whatnot? Anyway, at least you are standing your ground.

As for my grandmother, there's nothing that we can really do. She's always going to keep saying offensive things and like I said before, it's not worth it to try to argue over it. Plus, according to my mom, my grandmother is the type who will argue until she's blue in the face and insist that something happened one way when it didn't. So really, it's just not worth it.

[Persiflager]

Well done rogue, and hurrah for your bestie! Thank goodness it's out of the way now.

[rogue]

Thanks persiflager. Sorry I haven't been able to say anything in about a week to your comment but it was nice to see some feedback about the situation, especially from someone who isn't a family member.

I did end up going to the wedding. I found out on Friday (while at a lunch with my entire office/all my colleagues) that not only had I been kicked out of my role in the wedding, but also replaced by a girl my stepsister (which is how I am referring to her from now on after all this because truly, that's what she is) has known for about fourteen years who had come to attend the wedding. This only caused further rage, especially since my oldest stepbrother couldn't make it to the wedding because he is in the military doing his basic training and was unable to leave, making the wedding party already unbalanced. With me not able to be in the wedding the party was balanced once again, with two bridesmaids and two groomsmen.

Anyway. The wedding was really nice, I will admit, but it was way too stressful for me. I spent most of Saturday in tears. I didn't watch my father (who is her stepfather) walk her up the aisle, instead I held fast to my best friend's hand (who accompanied me to the wedding) and stared at the ground. I don't think anyone noticed. I didn't watch their "father-daughter" dance; I went into another room at the reception. I just can't deal with it. She has been so mean to me my whole life and has had my father living with her and being basically her father for the past twenty-one years when he's pretty much all I've ever wanted. It's a big bone of contention with me. It's stupid and I should be over it by now but I can't help the way I feel. As I've said, I have Daddy-issues. Big time.

So yeah. I haven't spoken to her in over a week. I didn't say a word to her all day on Saturday. I'm done being treated as something subhuman for no reason at all and I refuse to allow her to do this to me any longer. I won't go out of my way to be mean to her - because I am really not that kind of person - but I'm not going to go out of my way to be nice to her either.

Sorry that this was so long. I just had to get it out there. I'm just glad it's all over now and I can choose not to deal with her if I want. I also believe that "water is thicker than blood" (as opposed to the other way around) and in all honesty, my bestie (who came with me for the weekend) is and has been more of a sister to me than my stepsister ever has and I take comfort in that fact. Nothing could ever tear us apart, and I say that with sincerity.

I hope all the other family Busties are doing okay. How about you, CCG? Are things getting any better with your grandmother?

[Persiflager]

Um, that dressmaker sounds very weird!

((rogue)) That sounds like a really difficult situation. I really want to tell you to stand up for yourself and walk away, but this is the sort of thing that wrecks family relationships - it's horrible, but if you can get through it in any way then I think it's worth doing. It's just a couple of days, then you can cheerfully ignore your sister for years if you want.

If you can't be in the wedding party (and it doesn't sound like there's any way round the dress issue), do you think she would still appreciate it if you came as a guest? That would relieve some of the pressures, and mean that you were still being supportive.

(By the way, I think it's really shitty that she didn't let you know in advance about the cost of the dress, last-minute fittings etc).

On the money front, could you swallow your pride and ask your dad again? He wasn't very supportive before, but he might prefer to pay than have you miss the day entirely.

If you decide to skip it entirely (and I really wouldn't blame you), then do call your sister or send her a really nice email explaining that you don't feel able to come to the wedding but wish her all the best (don't make it about money, or she'll never forgive you).

Um, or fake a work/hospital/fire emergency.

Good luck.

[rogue]

Ugh, I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just found out last night that my bridesmaid dress is in pieces. As in, the dress-maker hasn't put it together yet. Apparently what she does is fit it to me while it's still in pieces. Does that make any sense? I don't understand. I thought that she would make the dress according to my measurements, I would try it on and then she would alter it accordingly. I just don't understand this. Because of this strange situation, my sister is now convinced that I cannot be in her wedding but hasn't actually kicked me out of it; she wants me to remove myself from it (she's pretty much tiptoeing around this but won't come out and blatantly say it). Also - she failed to tell me that the dress is $310 until yesterday. I don't have this kind of money.

I'm just so tired of this. She's treating me like shit, blaming everything on me, and making me feel terrible. At this point I just want to tell her I'm not being in the wedding, nor am I coming to it (especially since I can't really afford the trip) but the thing is, I don't want to be the one to blame here. She always blames me for everything and makes me look like the bad person in situations that involve the two of us when we get into an argument. I am the best scapegoat because I grew up with my mother and not my father and stepfamily and it's easy to blame someone who is just not around. I'm just exhausted from dealing with this for twenty-one years.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? At this point I just think it would be best for me to tell her that I'm not going. I was so angry about everything this morning and now I'm just back to being confused. I didn't e-mail her back right away because I was too upset and I am the kind of person who can ebd up saying terrible things when upset, whether I mean them or not, so I thought it best to just hold off for now. I kind of want to call my father and talk to him about it but I don't know. I just think the dress-maker is being ridiculously unprofessional - why is the dress in pieces?! - especially since she won't try to work with us on Friday night when I am (supposed to be) arriving for the wedding. She has flat-out refused to fit me then or even before the wedding in the morning (it starts at 1:00 in the afternoon and I am more than willing to get up at the crack of dawn for it).

God, I feel so shitty.

[rogue]

Thanks anarch and CCG. It's just really hard to stand up to my family. There is a strange dynamic to it because it's a blended family; my two older brothers and one of my sisters (the one getting married) are actually my step-siblings - they are my step-mother's kids with her first husband, and then my youngest sister is actually a half-sister to the four of us older siblings. I am six years older than her. We've been a family for 21 years (since my father and step-mother had an affair, essentially ending both of their marriages) so it's a little messed up but we don't use "step" anymore because it's just redundant to use it now because it's been so long. I have huge issues with this wedding that stem from the affair - I'll be the first person to admit that I have severe daddy-abandonment issues from everything and it literally kills me that he is going to be walking her up the aisle before me and that he is at all. I know it sounds stupid but she has had him as her father her whole life, pretty much (since we were both four years old because she is only four months younger than I am) so it makes sense but it's still like, what the hell, you know? Especially since I always feel like my father blatantly favours her over his actual blood-daughters, my little sister and I, and I don't think it's right. It's very tiresome.

I just sometimes don't get my family at all; my step-mother can be nice to me but at times is really mean, my sister getting married has been mean to me our whole lives, and my oldest (step-)brother and I don't get along at all, although I don't know why. It's really weird; he never looks at me or talks to me or anything when I'm around. It really confuses me. The only siblings that have always been nice to me no-matter-what are my little sister and my other (step-)brother, and I kind of cling to their love and support.

I guess I just thought it best to shed some light on all this. It's just so messed up and I hate it. I try to stand up to them but I find it really hard. I'm starting to learn how but I have been a doormat a lot of my life - even though I am very strong willed - so I'm on this strange curve on learning how to deal with it.

CCG, that's really weird about your grandparents. I think your mother might be right about it - that they are trying to make up for it. I can understand that it might be different for them to be so ensconced in a different culture but they shouldn't be rude about it. I hope that things get a little better with that. Like I said before my grandmother can be really hard to handle too but I just try and let it roll off my back. I can't change the way she is so I just let her be. If it's something blatantly offensive or wrong I'll call her on it but other than that I just leave her to her devices.

[candycane_girl]

(((rogue))) you don't deserve to get treated like that. Your sister is definitely being a total bridezilla and it's really not fair to you.

I just wanted to come in here and mention the craziest turn of events in my family. Last Sunday my mom had my grandparents over for Sunday night dinner and they proceeded to go on and on about how wonderful my friend's wedding was. My mom said that her jaw just about dropped and she, my brother, and my dad just kept looking at each other like "wtf?!"

So yeah, apparently the grandparents were claiming that they were only plugging their ears to block out the loud music from the wedding in the next room over (I'll admit it was loud, but not that loud) and they claimed to have loved the food (at the time it was the usual "I can't eat any of this, I don't like it" crap). My mom says that my grandparents, especially my granmother, do this all the time. They'll whine and complain during an event and then after go on and on about how great it was. My mom is guessing that my grandparents probably realized that they stepped way over the line and now they are trying to make up for it. Except that their way of making up for it is just to lie and say they had a good time when in reality they sat there grimacing the whole fucking time.

[anarch]

(((rogue)))

Ugh. Good for you for not letting her / them steamroll over you.

[rogue]

Ugh, I need to rant. More sister-wedding crap.

Tonight is the bachelorette party. Since I just moved into my first place all by myself this month, money is pretty tight. The wedding is next weekend. So I called my father and was like, "If you can't pay to get me over there (they live a province away and a round trip on the bus is $140 that I don't have) I won't be able to come because I need to be able to pay to come to the wedding next weekend." So my dad huffed and puffed about it, saying that they don't really have the money because of all the things they are paying for for the wedding, etc. My sister also confirmed this through texts last night and we both decided that it was just not feasible for me to come over. But she didn't tell anyone this (in true sister fashion) so all day I had people over there calling/texting me asking why I wasn't coming over, etc. And I just got off the phone with my dad and stepmother who were like, "We would have paid, we told you that", to which I responded, "Yes, but not after making me feel guilty and horrible for being poor because I am trying to straighten my life out."

I just feel like shit. My sister reamed me out for an hour online last week as soon as I got into work one morning, called me all kinds of names and basically said that I am being selfish and not giving a shit about "her day". I shut her down pretty fast; I just told her that I would block her and not speak to her again if she kept it up. I just can't take the stress anymore. I just got out of an awful relationship where I was put down and abused and everything for the past two years but she's not taking that into account. I don't like having pity-parties but after that it's going to be really hard to be in a wedding for me and I don't even know if I want to get married, but I think my feelings are justified. I just can't handle it anymore and part of me wants to tell her to step off and that I'm not coming to the wedding at all. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Bah, sorry. I just needed to spew that out somewhere. This seemed like an appropriate place. Thanks. (((Family Busties.)))

[anarch]

The only thing is that at this point, my grandparents are forgetting entire conversations that we have. The other thing is that if I did speak up, my grandmother would probably get very upset. For most people that's not a big deal but when my grandmother gets upset her eye pressure goes up which causes her pain and can make her vision even worse than it already is (she is legally blind and can usually only see outlines of people).

Ah. You're kind of in a bind then. I was going to suggest a bare-bones "Could you not say that around me?" request but if she forgets anyway, and it could still upset her and contribute to bad health issues... Sigh. Whattaya gonna do.

[hellotampon]

You requested the time off; you didn't get it. There's not much else you can do. She's just acting selfishly because she's stressed and feels out of control.

You're probably tempted to go off on her (I definitely would be), but I think the best thing to do is act blissfully naive. Oh, you're so disappointed you can't go early, it's such an inconvenience for you too, you wish there was a way out of it, but it's out of your hands, and doesn't that suck? Oh well, thank god you can make it to the wedding. You'll do your own nails and if there's anything else, just let me know... blah blah blah. Just play it off.

Then you won't look like a bad guy, your boss will. Especially if s/he already knows that your sister might have your aunt call. And your sister can't successfully pick a fight with you if you're "on her side."

[candycane_girl]

anarch, thanks. I've never thought of wording things that way. The only thing is that at this point, my grandparents are forgetting entire conversations that we have. The other thing is that if I did speak up, my grandmother would probably get very upset. For most people that's not a big deal but when my grandmother gets upset her eye pressure goes up which causes her pain and can make her vision even worse than it already is (she is legally blind and can usually only see outlines of people). It's just a shitty situation. Sometimes I want to stand up to her but then I think about the consequences that I just mentioned.

rogue, from what I've heard it often seems like younger brides can be more bridezilla-y. You definitely don't need a nail appointment and it's ridiculous that she wants you there early just for a pedicure. When it comes to nails, they are such a small detail and really if anyone is looking at nails they are going to be looking at the bride's.

If it gets really bad then maybe you should go with the fake denied vacation request. Some people just don't get it. As long as you don't miss the actual wedding then there shouldn't be a problem.

[rogue]

Wow, it is so nice to see that I'm not being ridiculous about all this. I think she is asking way too much of me as well. I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding and I do live in a different city - I am a whole province away; a three-and-a-half hour drive. And I don't drive, so I have to take a bus to visit, which is very expensive ($120 round trip) and the trip itself is usually between 4-7 hours because the bus stops at other stops along the way. Because of all this I told her when she asked me to be in the wedding that it was a very, very bad idea. It's not like I don't want to be in the wedding, I just can't afford the travel, I thought I would have a hard time getting the time off, and I can't even afford the dress that she is having made for me. Like, she didn't go to a store to buy them, they are being handmade by a tailor in her province.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable about all this. My Dad called to tell me that I have to be there for my nail appointment on Friday morning (which I think is ridiculous; I'm a bridesmaid, they aren't going to be photographing my hands, and even so I could get a kit for French nails and do them myself the night before). I would be leaving at 5:00 that evening to drive over with my bestie, who is going to be my "date" for the wedding, on Friday night. I would be there for my hair and makeup on Saturday morning and all the other wedding day festivities.

I guess I'm just really annoyed. I hate how she always drags our father into things when she doesn't get her way. She's 24 and about to married; I think it's high time she grew up. I really kind of want to write her an e-mail or something to tell her what I think but then she'll just get mad and my stepmother (her mother) will get mad and it will be a big huge mess and I don't need to deal with that on top of all the other stress in my life, so I think I'm just going to leave it be. I might talk to my father about it though and ask him to please mind his own business (in a nice way) when she and I get into a disagreement. I don't need her pitting him against me. I am old enough to make my own decisions now and I don't need to be lectured or made to feel bad because of them.

Ugh. Sorry for the rant. She's just very, very frustrating. My boss (who is also a friend of mine who I met in uni) said that if I put in another fake vacation request she will write DENIED on it in huge red marker and give it back to me so I can scan it and e-mail it to my sister so she could maybe get the point. It's very, very tempting....

[anarch]

Anarch, your post really helped me with thinking about my dad.

You know, I will drive when we go out 'cause at least I know I have an out.

Glad to hear that. Can't control how the people in our lives behave but there are some things we can do to protect ourselves as much as possible, eh? That's a good reminder for me too. Good luck tonight.


ccg, I've posted this link about voicing and enforcing boundaries with family before in another thread, but I figured it might come in handy for this thread too: "When you say things like this, you hurt me." Give them a specific example.They will yesbut you in return. Let them finish.Then you say, "Now that you know this hurts me, if it happens again, we will both know you are doing it on purpose."

rogue, wow. Hopefully once the wedding's over your sister will get some perspective on the ridiculousness of what she's asking of you.

[auralpoison]

OMG, Rogue, what CCG said.