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>  Survivor's Space
deschatsrouge
post Oct 22 2008, 01:54 PM
Post #81


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Data))))

It's awesome that you wrote that letter. It seems it took a lot of guts to write. I think it's quite an accomplishment to have ever written it, extra kudos for sending it.


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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kittenb
post Oct 22 2008, 10:45 AM
Post #82


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


I feel very warned about the Mad Men epsiode. I'll know what to expect when I have the DVDs. Which is probably a good thing.
Hands and hand symbolism are very significent to most survivors of CSA, myself included. I've made some art therapy involving hands and eyes. They both resonated with me.

{{{datagirl}}} WOW! Just make sure that you are safe. Best of luck!


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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ananke
post Oct 22 2008, 03:09 AM
Post #83


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 266


Go Datagirl! Following Persimmon's lead, I too acknowledge and afirm your rage and your story and your awesomeness.
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datagirl
post Oct 22 2008, 01:06 AM
Post #84


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


Here is an edited version of the letter I sent.


This letter is a long time coming.
There are some memories of situations that I want to make known to you that I have lived with for far too long.
You molestered me when I was a child while mum and dad were at work.
They trusted you to look after me.
This is the main reason why I have not spoken to you in a long time.
I'm sending this letter because I don't want the flashbacks of what you
did to me to continue.

This abuse has had such a profoundly negative effect on my life.
The moment you molestered me my whole childhood completely disappeared.

I have lived with the burden of being a sexually abused child nearly all my life.It's your turn to take full responsibility for your actions.
You're an evil,sick individual.I despair at the thought that you may have molestered more girls.
JM (my best girlfriend at the time) can bear witness to that fact. I am sick with worry that you may still be doing this to your own children. If I ever find out that you are continuing to molest children I will have no hesitation in going to the police.
K (our sister) has told me that she molestered you after she herself was molestered by your friend KC's father.
This is no excuse to fuck up my life .I will no longer live with the shame and guilt of what YOU did.
I write this letter also in the hope that you will realise what sexual abuse can do to another human being.It takes away their self esteme,creates a shameful personality,phobias,depression and cripling anxiety.
I do not want any contact with you other than an apology.
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auralpoison
post Oct 21 2008, 11:44 PM
Post #85


Big Fat Bitch
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Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


QUOTE(roseviolet @ Oct 20 2008, 11:27 AM) *
The moment that really resonated with me was the shot of the furniture. I know how that feels. It was stunning to see a show convey that. I've never seen a show where they showed that perspective.


MAJOR trigger. I found myself focusing on the coffee pot or whatever that shiny silver thing on the desk was. I remember just picking a spot out of the way that I could focus on so I could ignore what was happening to me. Mostly the sunflowers that grew just on the other side of the tall grass where things happened. And the way his hand closed over Joan's face. That hand for me was a BIG hand. Far too big for my little six year old face.

I thought I was okay, but I had horrible dreams Monday morning after. I kept feeling somebody trying to pull up the covers to touch me on one side. I fought until I woke up a bit & tucked the covers under me on that side so nobody could get in. When I went back to sleep again, in my dream state I could feel somebody pulling from the untucked side trying to get at me. I fought & fought & kept waking up in cold sweats.

(((((Survivors)))))


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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persimmon_grrrl
post Oct 21 2008, 11:25 PM
Post #86


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 214


datagirl: i honor and affirm your writing the letter and speaking the truth. it takes a lot to be there, and to be a seeing, feeling human being whose very memory flies in the face of officiated amnesia.

i trust you will find other people who see as you do, and speak as you do, and act as you do, so that it grows into something like a critical mass and people can speak truth in places other than therapist's offices. speaking as you do not in mimicry, but in the practice of acting, seeing, speaking. you are strong and your anger makes sense.
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datagirl
post Oct 21 2008, 08:59 PM
Post #87


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


So it's been just over 2 weeks since I sent the letter telling my brother that I remember the sexual abuse he inflicted on me as a child.I've heard nothing from him.Nothing.Which tell me two things.1.He's in serious denial.2.He knows what he did was a crime and is shit scared that I'll go to the police about it because he's got kids.Which is part of the reason I sent it.
I'm seriously thinking about going to the police.
What has changed in me since I sent it is NOT a sense of calm,shedding a bright light on a dark corner sort of feeling, but rage.Pure white hot rage.I told my mum that I'd sent him the letter and when I mentioned the police she pretty much said that is would be a bad idea.
The anger has now been transposed onto her.It was my mother that made it hell for my sister when my sister came to my mother at age eleven to report that she was being sexually abused by an adult neighbour.

MY MOTHER DENIES ANYTHING SHE CAN'T DEAL WITH AND SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN!!!!

Sorry but if I don't post here Im going up the mountain to where my brother lives and there's a good chance I'll do some serious damage.
My whole family is completely fucking crazy and I feel like I'm the only sane one.
So I cry,take valium,and try to sleep.
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deschatsrouge
post Oct 21 2008, 12:01 PM
Post #88


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Survivors))))

Congrats Ananke!


--------------------
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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kittenb
post Oct 21 2008, 06:43 AM
Post #89


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


ananke - both you and your uterus are astonishingly powerful. Congratulations!


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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ananke
post Oct 21 2008, 04:31 AM
Post #90


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 266


I think it must be a massive step in healing when you move onto that. I'm only just starting to think in that way, instead of just being angry and upset at myself (you know, if I were a better/stronger/healthier person it wouldn't have happened/I'd be over it by now/I could have dealt with it). But I'mjust starting to have those moments where I mourn what was lost. As a culture we've lost grief and the whole process (I just read something saying 'oh you'd get a week off if a spouse died'! I don't know I'd have even stopped crying a week after) in the wider society and personally.

And we certainly aren't supposed to grieve for ourselves, or for rape. Which I think makes things so much worse.

My big news? I'm pregnant. Planned in our offhand way (the MU has a tendency not to want to plan until it's definate...) but, yeah. Pregnant. And of course last night I read a short story about women, rape and forced pregnancy. It really really fucked me up and I felt awful, but then I read the intro and the dedication again (the story had alien pregnancies that killed the mother, but the dedication was to the Muslim women of Bosnia) and it made more sense. I still have issues with the story, but it was less horrifying when I reread that bit this morning. Mind you that's after the nightmares and the anxiety attack.

I'm kinda worried about being pregnant and not having control over my body. But I've been dealing with chronis pain for a long time, so I fgure it's similar, but with soemthing incredibly aweseom at the end. And realising I'm making an entire human being in my uterus is astonishingly powerful.
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kittenb
post Oct 20 2008, 05:18 PM
Post #91


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


Yes, you are making sense. Especially where you say that you feel sad for the person that you were back then. I don't tend to mourn much about a lost childhood because it didn't really effect me when I was a child. But I mourn what I lost in my young adult years when others were out taking chances and I was tied up in dealing with being raped. I will never get that time back and I will never see justice for what I have been through.
It doesn't make me feel better, either, that there are other who know what I am talking about. However, it does make me feel better to talk and to vent. I hope posting here helped at least a little bit.
I've had TV shows affect me unexpectedly. I remember once and episode of ER where the man who had stabbed Carter had ended up back in County Hospital. The look on Carter's face when he recognized the man's voice freaked me out so bad I had a mild panic attack. It was awful.
So yes, you are not alone. I am glad that you decided to post here.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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roseviolet
post Oct 20 2008, 11:27 AM
Post #92


Pacifism kicks ass!
***
Posts: 3,064


Last night during Mad Men, there was a scene that was a major trigger for me. It snapped me right back over 15 years into the past & I found myself feeling things & remembering things that I had long buried. I think for the most part I'm really honestly and truly over it (which is why I don't think about it anymore), but even though the memories are fading, they're still there.

Spoiler alert: In the scene on the show, a woman is forced to have sex with her fiance. She tells him no repeatedly, but he pins her down to the ground. Eventually she just turns her head, her eyes go vacant, & she just lets it happen. Then the camera shot changes & we see her point of view, staring at a piece of furniture in the room. This scene is all the more painful because it happens to a woman who is usually thought of as very strong and empowered.

The moment that really resonated with me was the shot of the furniture. I know how that feels. It was stunning to see a show convey that. I've never seen a show where they showed that perspective.

I was upset by this, but I didn't cry. I guess you could say I was shocked. It was like, "Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that." and suddenly I was remembering this stuff I hadn't thought about in a dog's age. I told my husband, Sheff, about it (he was not watching the show with me) and he thought it might help me to talk about my feelings in this space. But I don't know how to describe my feelings. I feel sad. I feel sad for the person I was back then. I feel grateful for the place where I am now. I feel heartbroken for the many many women out there who also know what it's like to shut down, turn your head, and just focus on something else so that you won't feel what's really happening to you. And at the same time, I feel bad for expressing those feelings in an open forum because I don't want to trigger others in the same way that I was triggered last night.

Anyway. I don't know if this has made me feel better or what. I don't find a lot of solace in knowing that other people know how this feels because that just means they've been hurt, too. Am I making sense here?

Thanks for listening.
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persimmon_grrrl
post Oct 15 2008, 06:43 PM
Post #93


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 214


hi tankgirl. i totally hear you.

i've been feeling really angry at mostly everybody recently, and am sort of glad i'm looking out of kilter and lumpy since that means people don't look at me too much.

i don't trust my responses right now, because they seem so out of proportion to what is actually said/done to me. and i find myself just being a lot more verbal and really not having a lot of inhibition in terms of speaking back to people or noises that frighten me.

this also means that my nerves feel shot.

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tankgirl
post Oct 9 2008, 01:53 AM
Post #94


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 211
From: N to the C


some days (most days) I feel like I have dealt with my issues with being sexually abused. Then, out of nowhere I have dreams every night for a week about it until I can't hold it in anymore and lash out and act like a total psychopath at the first person who gets in my way. I guess I need to re evaluate what I need to work on. I just want it to go away, but I know that isn't at all possible.
Maybe I have talked about what happened enough, but not how it effects me in everyday life.
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datagirl
post Oct 9 2008, 01:13 AM
Post #95


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


I went to the doctor yesterday to get a referral to see a physchologist.If you get a referral from a doctor (and undergo a mental health assesment) you get 12 weeks free mental help.But it fucking sux because first of all you have to prove that you really need help.It doesn't involve giving the reason though which would just be inhumane.
So anyway.I'm still very scared about my brothers reaction if any at all. I told my mum that I'd sent the letter.I told her about the abuse in 2005 so she's aware of what went on.She never confronted him about it though.So I guess it's up to me.She actually supported me in sending it.Sometimes I feel like I've done the right thing.Time will tell I guess.I didn't do it because I wanted to be brave.I had no other mental choice.He has kids.He needed to be aware of how his actions have severely fucked up my life.
Last night was simply maddening.I was just so worried and really needed someone to talk to who knew me.I rang a friend and he generally saved my mental health.The doctor prescibed me more valium so I took just one and had an ok night's sleep.
It's just the worry that's getting to me.I don't want my brother to do something stupid to himself.I'm not sure if I'm even ready for his reaction at all.
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deschatsrouge
post Oct 8 2008, 01:37 PM
Post #96


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((datagirl))))


--------------------
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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kittenb
post Oct 7 2008, 10:41 PM
Post #97


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


YOU.ARE.AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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datagirl
post Oct 7 2008, 03:50 PM
Post #98


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


I need your responses (support) today before I head off to work.
Thank you.You have no idea how much that means to me.
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pollystyrene
post Oct 7 2008, 08:16 AM
Post #99


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
***
Posts: 4,631
From: Chicago


((datagirl))


--------------------
You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
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neurotic.nelly
post Oct 7 2008, 12:58 AM
Post #100


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 460
From: the galatic center


datagirl, you are my hero. brave, brave soul. powerful, courageous step towards healing. woman warrior.


--------------------
Earth: A Satanically ran planet where 98% of it's inhabitants are unquestioning, conformist idiots who are totally controlled and manipulated by the Satanic governments of the world and have been made complacent by said governments, through rigorous brainwashing.
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