[erinjane]

I love this thread.

Just wanted to say though, that it's NOT the counsellor I'm about to start seeing who said the forgiveness thing. It was a counsellor at a walk-in centre who wasn't a sexual assault counsellor. I knew she was trying to make me feel better but she said a few weird things to me.

Hopefully the gal I'm seeing will be good. The place I'm going to is a really great, has a great reputation and lots of programs, and does some amount of work at the Women's Centre I work at, so I'm pretty optimistic they'll be good. They're actually also the people who get me my BC prescriptions and do my paps because I don't have a GP right now.

[hummingbird]

erinjane, I go through periods where I am so rageful and angry and resentful and just plain ole' negative. It sucks because their not pleasant feelings, but for me, I know these feelings are like emotional flashbacks. I had all these emotions too when the abuse was happening as a little girl but I couldn't really feel them. So they got stuffed and I zoned out in front of the T.V. and disassociated during the rest of the day. So now, whooosh all these feelings come up and I feel like I am going to go crazy. But they say and this has been true for me, the only way to lessen their intesity is to really feel them and let them take you where they need to take you. Also, it is so important to have a good therapist, I'd rather have no therapist than a bad therapist. If you get a bad feeling from the meetings or whatever, I'd drop her/him. And this is my 2 cents: Forgiveness ain't shit if you don't get angry first. There's a really good book called, The Tao of Fully Feeling: harvesting forgiveness out of blame. He says in this book it's best to get angry first and point the finger and do all that good shit and then you can really forgive, but he also says that you may never do this and that's okay too.

Well, I'm off to work...

[maddy29]

erinjane, that makes me feel so sad. all of us are faced with such a shit-ass choice. it makes me furious, too! it's like we have to be willing for our lives to be totally fucked up (again) if we want to press charges. it feels like a no win situation.

i'm glad you can do that anon report, I wonder if I could do something like that, so many years later? I guess I could call the police station and ask. Anyone know how I could find out about that?

Hey datagirl-great to hear from you. glad you are hanging in there. i really hope you go to your appointment today. you deserve to have someone take some of this stress off you, listen to you, etc. i know it's sooo hard and scary, but you are making huge strides!

we are all so cool

RE: forgiveness-yeah, that's a bunch of bull. some people want to forgive, then fine. but i think the push to forgive is the same push to "get over it" and "move on." i think it's more about the counselor's fear of handling your intense rage and other feelings. if a therapist said that to me, i'd be like nice knowing you and i'd be outta there. my first therapist at the rape crisis center in college was like "let's try not to make a mountain out of a molehill." "let's practice techniques that will make it so that your grandfather can't hug you so tight." i was like uh huh, left and never came back. nice rape crisis center, right?

[datagirl]

Hugs to all survivors(((())))))
I've been here,but just hangin out in the crush thread,those guys must think I am pretty neurotic LOL.
It all makes sense now.................
After my sisters revelations to me I met a guy on the net,met him,got drunk with him and slept with him.
I became obsessed with him,which diverted the attention AWAY from what I didn't want to face.I'm never going to see him again.I wanted normality back in my life, I wanted to make loving love......But it backfired obviously.
Thank you Maddy,Im here I'm ok and untill I visited this thread again I was going to blow off my councelling with one of the most trustworthy councellors I have ever met (she specialises in sexual abuse/incest) today.
I thought I was ok,but now that I rethink the last couple of weeks,I've only been existing.

[erinjane]

I know. On other message boards I've seen people say that their counsellors said the forgiveness was part of the process. I honestly can't ever see myself forgiving him.

I have thought about pressing charges, but I don't think I will. It's three years past, so i know I still can, but I'm not ready to have my family know, and I feel like in the context it was in (involved in some sort of brief relationship) that there would be a lot of victim blaming(which i know not to buy into) that would just end up making me frusturated.

My first appointment is in 1 week, on the 5th. I think that i will do the anon. report because I feel like it will give me...not exactly a sense of closure, but like i did something more.

[maddy29]

wtf? forgive him? why? maybe if he changes his life and does amazing things to help survivors for years and then begs for your forgiveness.

i hate when counselors or whoever get fixated on this idea of "forgiveness." that's fucked right up.

that's SO COOL about the police report. Have you thought about actually pressing charges? I mean I know that's insanely hard, but have you considered it? But that's awesome that you can at least report it, so they'll have it in their numbers, etc.

[erinjane]

I'm feeling really angry lately. I just did my counselling intake and they're supposed to get back to me this week to tell me which day I'm going to be seeing a counsellor. Scary and relief at the same time.

But, geez, so angry, at everyone. Angry at him, angry at my parents, my friends, the guys who catcall me on the street, the boy I'm dating...just angry and I don't know what to do.

During my intake the woman told me about how you can make an anonymous police report and give as many details as you can so that if a similar report is ever made they can match up details and contact you if need be. I think I'll do that. I feel like he could do what he did to me to someone else and maybe they won't be as scared and ashamed.

Christ, I'm just so mad tonight and all the time lately. I lay awake at night imagining all the things I'd like to say and do to him.

At a walk-in counsellor I saw (not specializing in sexual assault) she said that maybe one day i would be able to forgive him. I don't think i ever could and would ever want to.

[hummingbird]

I have come to accept that a lot of my feelings don't make sense, but the best thing I can do is accept whatever I am feeling. And feel it! And express it!

I have been having many many many flashbacks. But ever since therapy, I can have a crappy sad depressed morning and then move on....I mean literally, just for this day, or the next.
I love this.

[kittenb]

cstars124 - at the risk of sounded like a cliched therapist, emotions are not wrong. It makes sense that you had some good memories and that there would be somethings that you missed about him.

Being single can be hard. And it is really hard when people ask questions like that. I have a very hansome gay friend who is always asked by other people why he's single. For a long time his standard answer was some version of "I've run out of places to hide the bodies" or "The police started asking too many questions." Either is a really great response.

[cstars124]

Yay, ananke! That's awesome. Congrats!

How is everyone else doing?

Yesterday, I was out at a bar with my sister and one of her friends from work. Eventually, the conversation turned towards past realtionships and my sister's friend, although kinda nice, was a tad nosey and a little bit annoying and asked me when the last time I had a bf was. And I said that it was probably a year ago. And she asked me why I broke up with my ex, and being not only annoyed by the question, but also slightly drunk, I had to stop myself from saying, "He was a rapist." I bet she would have shut up after that.

I haven't had a bf since the rapist ex, and i don't know if it's because I've been lonely or whatever, but lately, i find myself thinking about him and missing him. Even though I keep telling myself over and over that he was an ass and didn't care about me or my feelings, it still hurts me a little. Is that completely wrong?

[ananke]

BREAK THROUGH!

For the first time since I was raped I've written a poem not about it in some way! I'm so fucking happy.

[maddy29]

hey datagirl-how are you holding up? just checking in- are you still feeling shocky? i hope you are taking good, gentle care of yourself. i imagine you feel a bit like your world has completely fallen apart. i think there is a very good chance that your family CAN heal from this, since your mom is so supportive and your sister is being open now, too.

write us if you feel up to it.

[treehugger]

I hope Treehugger is still here too, and feels like talking.

I'm still here. I guess I'm more in a lurking place than a posting place right now.

[maddy29]

omg datagirl-i've been on vacation for the week and i'm just skimming, but had to say wow. and whoa. and holy shit dude. that is a huge revelation about your sister being molested. kids DO act things out sometimes, to try to master the abuse or regain their power. this is such a tragic example of this. your feelings about your sister and brother are going to be all over the place, i'd imagine. on the one hand, feeling sad and compassionate towards them for what they experienced, but also so angy at what happened to you. just wanted to say hey real quick, and hang in there.

everyone hang in there-seems like a lot going on for people right now.

[datagirl]

I have no idea how myself or any of the other survivors live day to day.
All I know is that in my situation work has been my saving grace.The day after my sister told me that she
had molestered my brother I was numb.Now as it's been a couple of days I'm starting to feel confused about
why she kept going back to the neighbour if he hurt her so bad?Did he make it out to be a game,like my brother did to me?It's all just so confusing as to why my parents did'nt press charges at the time.Fucking Hell!!!
If it was my kid I'd wouldve ripped the balls of him and gotten her in to counselling so fast.My head is reeling now and I'm just thinking about all the ways that all the abuse could've been avoided.I feel fucked today,not strong at all,just angry.

[kittenb]

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, realizing that the archives were gone felt like a knife slice across my mind.
datagirl, I feel for the situation that your family is in. Do you think that your brother will be able to hear what you have to say? It is amazing and inspiring that you are able to look so deeply into this.

ananke - what is going on that is upsetting you?

[datagirl]

Thankyou Catwomyn,
Hugs to all survivers here.
I also drew alot from the archives here and even re-reading my own posts was somewhat healing.
Sexual assault is an epidemic.It's a virus that spreads all over the world.
We need a space such as this to conect with others no matter where they are in the world.
There is nothing I can do about my past,but my future is bright and I KNOW that is will be abuse free.
I will keep posting here and hopefully I can help other survivors too.We MUST break the cycle of abuse.

[catwomyn]

Oh man. That is so sad what happened to your family, datagirl. I can understand why it's confusing, having it all come out now.

I hope Treehugger is still here too, and feels like talking.

I'm devestated by the loss of the "archives" for this thread, 'cause it's been a good support fo rme over the years - but welcome back, everyone. Apparently, even if we can't get over the past, this forum can!

[datagirl]

For the umpteenth time I am so grateful for this thread.I posted here earlier this year about telling my mother
about the sexual abuse by my brother.She believed me and to my relief my mother didn't disown me.
She and I have never told my father though and probably never will.At Easter I had a massive fight with my sister (eight years older than me and my brother is six years older).She wrote me a letter detailing the reason she was so awful to me growing up.I finally had the first conversation I had had with her in about four months last night.She told me she was molested by a neighbour (the father of my brother's friend) then she in turn molested my brother,who then abused me.I have always thought that my sister had nothing to do with what my brother did to me.But how can I not hold her responsible?But then how can I? She was all of twelve or thrirteen years old.But I'm very confused.I have read that it can get passed down from offender to victim and that there is always a chance that the victim will go on to offend.The person who I should put the blame on is the neighbour as he was the adult.My sister told my parents at the time that the neighbour was
abusing her and they actually confronted him and were going to press charges.But my sister said that nothing ever eventuated from it and this is just another factor that sent my sister to a mental hospital three years ago and also for all the guilt and shame attached to abusing my brother too.Last night she told me that she will
come with me if I ever want to confront my brother and to get everything out in to the open.I feel that
this is the only way that we all will be able to forgive each other.After my sisters explanation last night
I am ready to forgive both of them.Although this is no excuse, my brother had been abused and was still legally a child when he molested me.I do however blame the adult neighbour who initially abused my sister.
He has since died.My sister only found this out when she tried to find him to confront him.

[ananke]

I have been insanely furious this week. Just constantly angry. I'm so sick of it. I've been hyper-alert and sensitive, sick and just crappy.