[epinephrine]

dear J:

I don't even know what to say to you anymore, so I'll just spill my guts. As if it makes any difference.

A part of me hates you and never wants to see you again. The way that you have treated me has been astoundingly selfish, insensitive and childish. I gave you everything I have and you walked all over me. But despite all that, The other part of me wants more than anything to keep you in my life in whatever way I can. I'd love to be friends. I'm trying to forgive you and move on. But I'm having a hard time. You need to be more patient. I feel like you don't really get it. You really don't realize how unfair you've been.

I don't understand why you pushed the relationship so far, so fast, and suddenly changed your mind and wanted out. I don't understand what's wrong with me, why I couldn't make you happy. You made me feel like I was the most important thing in your world and then you just left me. I can't think of anything I did wrong aside from indulging your mistakes.

I can accept that the relationship is over. I can accept that it didn't work out. What I can't accept is that I seem to mean so little to you now. I knew all along that we were burning our candle at both ends, that it was too good to be true. I wish we'd just quit while we were ahead instead of clinging to the battered remains of the relationship until it was completely unrecognizable. I feel like in our attempt to hang on and save the relationship we destroyed everything that made it worth saving in the first place and I hate that all you remember is the problems. I feel like we went places together - and I'm not talking about places on a map - I feel like we went places together that I'd never imagined I'd go with anybody. And I just really want to know that you were actually there with me. Because the way you talk to me now, I feel like maybe you were never really there, and I was just there by myself, imagining that you were there beside me. And that's the lonliest, most horrible feeling I've ever had.

I know that things are going really well between you and A right now and I really don't want to be cast in her shadow. Please don't compare me to her and remember me negatively.


Dear A:

Please fuck off with this "I never meant to hurt you" bullshit. You need to take some fucking responsibility and stop begging for my forgiveness. You knew it would hurt me. You did it anyway. How on earth does that make it better?

I don't hate you. I just like you a lot less. You know you deserve it, and it's up to you whether or not you can live with that. I suppose J's worth it. Well, congratulations. You won first fucking prize. I hope you two make each other miserable.

[jade]

Dear D


i have finally gotten to the point where i can be alone or drive down the road without the thoughts in my head getting out of control. you turned my last proposal down and since then its been too many nights alone.

J

[culturehandy]

((((tank girl and ccg)))))

Dear Universe,

Well, here we are, my first day at my new job. It sure is a change of pace, but I'm glad that I've been given this opportunity. It's another tool in my road to mental health recovery. I used to be so angry at you, but things are working out, as I said earlier to you, I understand why things went they way they did. I was unhappy and unhealthy. I truly didn't see the forest for the trees. And while I struggle, a lot, with this on some days. The fog is starting to life and I'm starting to feel normal, happy and healthy. I know it won't be easy, but I do hope the worst of it is over.

H.

[zoya]

S -

I think the world of you. You have been a really awesome friend. It seems that you are going through a bit of a rocky patch in your relationship right now, and I have this sneaking suspicion after our conversation last night, that you think that you're into me. But S - you and M are so great together and you really love one another. You are a grown up and I know you know that everything hits rocky patches now and then, and you're riding it out. I can tell. But if somewhere in there, you're thinking that you're falling for me, then please make yourself stop going to that place in your head. It's not worth it, and I'd rather cut you out of my world for a bit than unwittingly create any kind of challenge for you. This too shall pass. The rocky patch, and what I think might be the thoughts in your head about me. We get each other, and that's why we're friends. But that's the extent of it. I'm glad you're such a mature guy and probably already aware of all this - and you'd probably never take those thoughts further. But I just felt I had to say something about the pink elephant I kinda felt might be in the room.

love you to bits,
zoya

[girltrouble]

no problem, tg. do watch slide share link. around slide 17 it tells you how to do the epely technique,some easy exercises you can try that might make your situation better, or even cure you. at the end it has some other possible solutions if that doesn't work.

[tankgirl]

(( Candycane_girl )) I hope you find some inner peace with this situation.

Thanks for that link girltrouble. I haven't seen a doctor. I am uninsured right now so it's sorta rough. I am going back and forth between thinking its a food allergy and thinking something else is wrong. Everyone I talk to (friends, family) just keeps saying "you're not pregnant are you?" and it's driving me nuts! Hopefully after this weekend of working I can actually get looked at by a doctor at the clinic (sliding scale.)

[candycane_girl]

Dear You,

I miss you so much. I can't even describe it. I'm even having dreams about you. I'm always wondering what you're doing. I'm worried about how you're thinking, what you may be telling yourself about us. I know we can get through this if you'd just give us a chance. I have cried almost everyday. I just don't want to be apart from you. And if you love me too then there's no reason why we can't be together. I wish I could send this to you but I am committed to not contacting you. I love you so much and I know that you still love me. Please just come back to me. I know deep down that you don't want to throw away what we have so don't. I can handle anything you throw at me and I want to be there for you. I love you so much.

-ccg

[freckleface7]

fuckhead:
missed your birthday today honestly bc I was so busy, and will, only to appease the mr, send you a generic & totally unsincere belated e card tomorrow.
so wish you'd kick it already.
your see's you for what a scum-sucking cheap ass rip off your own wife bastard that you are d-i-l

[lowredmoon]

Dear Dad's Heart,

Just keep going, ok? Just keep doing what you've been doing for the past 60 years, until we can get the tests done and see how to go about fixing you. Just hang in there, and we'll get it sorted out.

-C

Dear self,

Stop worrying until you know what it is you're worrying about.

-me

[treehugger]

Dear Powers that Be,

Why, oh, why did you remove Reefer Boy from our crew? We were ALREADY shorthanded and backed up. Now you remove 1/3 of our shop?

On the other hand, thank you for your faith in me...I'll do my best to stay on top of it all.

[lilacwine13]

Dear AZ Guy,

Well fuck you too.

I might have a chance at getting a job in my field, I tell you about it and your reply is to whine about how that will ruin your plans to visit? You know I'm not happy here and I've been looking for what, nine months now, so can't you just say you'll be happy and not make it about you? Jesus, next time I won't even tell you if something positive happens in my life because you can't seem to handle it.

--lilac

[jsmith]

Dear A,
Honey, I'm stunned at you. Why didn't you use protection? You were on the pill! Did you just stop taking it? I hope you realize the enormity of this. Your life will change drastically, unless you decide to look into other options. You've really tied yourself down with this guy, you know. I thought you had higher standards...
But if you love him, and if you're happy, I'm glad for you. My head is still spinning, though.
~J

Dear O,
Fat lot of good those religious horror stories did, eh?
~J



I feel like a relic.

[doodlebug]

Dear Self,

Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about refusing to work late last Friday. "Anyone" includes YOU. Hello, Ms. Recovering Workaholic: remember what happened to you last time?? Ugh.

Love,
Me



Dear Soulman,

Last night you joked about the invasion of the kids making us appreciate "our sanctuary".....but honestly, YOU are my sanctuary. Truly.

Love,
D.



Dear Universe,

I had a wonderful weekend!

Love,
Me

[roseviolet]

Dear friends,

When you told us last night that you are house hunting, I was very surprised. It seems so sudden! But considering the tax incentives this year, I don't blame you for considering it. However, the more you spoke and the more we learned about the homes you're considering, the more worried I became.

I think you're over extending yourselves. I think you're looking at homes that are FAR too expensive for you two. S, you are about to enter grad school. You've told us that you will not work while you attend school. Therefore, you'll be bringing in no money whatsoever. K will be the sole breadwinner. I don't know exactly how much he makes, but I know it's less than Sheff. Therefore, it scares me to think of the two of you spending SO much money on a house. Can you really afford the payments? ALL of the payments? Remember that the basic mortgage payment is just the beginning. You'll be paying for home owner's insurance, PMI (since you can't put down 20%) and the home owner's association dues. Plus your regular bills - power especially - will be higher in a big new house. And you'll need to buy things like a lawn mower and a washer and drier and you'll have to pay for the moving van and on and on and on.

I'm afraid that all you've done is go to one of those on-line mortgage calculators & decided to blindly follow its advice. Those things are SEVERELY flawed. I went to one of those calculators today and it said that we could afford a house that costs 50% more than our home. Fifty percent!!! And the monthly payments would be 50% higher, too. That's insane! Could we afford those payments? Well, on paper we can, but then we'd barely be able to afford to do anything else with our lives. We certainly wouldn't be able to afford to pay debts or put money into savings or pay for emergency expenses (and when you own a home, those will definitely come up). Sheff and I are lucky because, unlike you, we don't have other debts. You two, on the other hand, have 2 news cars, student loans, and even more school-related debt to come. I cannot see any way you two can possibly afford these homes on K's salary alone, even if he brings his lunch to work with him every day. I'm worried that if you convince the banks to let you do this (based on the 2 incomes you currently have), that you'll be digging yourselves into a hole that will completely ruin you financially-speaking.

I'm also confused about how this will work since you two are not married. This isn't me being old-fashioned. I just don't know how you two will do your taxes and get the full financial benefit from home ownership. But you two are far from the only unmarried couple to buy a house together, so I'm sure there's a precedent. I just hope you do your research and make sure you're both protected.

Maybe I'm being too nosy or protective. I don't know. I just want you to be careful. I want you to be financially responsible so that you can be happier.

Much love (and concern),
M

[girltrouble]

(((tankgirl)))

have you seen a doctor about your vertigo/nausea? i don't want to be too nosy but i have occasional inner ear problems. there was an interesting story on npr, (hear here) and i'm hoping that it might be the problem you are having since it is treatable.

below is some additional info i found thru a little searching. best of luck, tg, we're rooting for you. oh, and you can see a slideshare of 'epley' here.

Question/Comment
Hello -
Have you heard of inner-ear crystals? I heard on NPR that they are, in-part, responsible for your sense of balance.

Apparently, they can kind of fall out of place, when you jar your head really hard. The great news is that it is correctable. Can someone in your PT department give my head a good shake and try to get them in their proper place again?

Response
What a great question. Yes, these "crystals" can be partially responsible for balance. One of our Physical Therapists who specializes in this area answers your question as follows:

What you are describing is something that is commonly known as positional vertigo or BPPV (benign paroxysmal positional vertigo). This can occur after a fall, blow to the head or head injury.

The inner ear is responsible for measuring and reporting the position and movement of the head to the brain with the goal of keeping one balanced at all times. In the inner ear are "canals" as well as a variety of other structures. There are "rocks" or "crystals" that are really microscopic calcium carbonate crystals that are attached to hair cells to make them more sensitive to gravity. At times, these crystals make come, or be knocked, loose allowing them to move around in areas of the inner ear (i.e. the canals) where they don't belong. This creates a situation that causes that section of the inner ear to suddenly become more easily irritated/stimulated. This often results in a sense of vertigo,or spinning, when the head is moved in certain directions or place in certain positions. A common complaint is one of feeling a rapid sense of spinning when getting in or out of bed, looking up at top shelfs, or rolling in bed. Some people don't actually feel a spinning but do complain of being off balance and dizzy with these same movements.

The good news to all of this is that there is a fairly quick fix for this problem. Eighty to eighty-five percent of people with this problem are successfully treated with a repositioning maneuver also known as an "Epley" maneuver that can physically move the crystals back into the section of the inner ear in which they belong resulting in a fairly rapid improvement in all of the symptoms of dizziness with improvement in balance as well.

That being said, not all dizziness, vertigo or balance problems are caused by the crystals. Often, people who have had head injuries may injure the inner ear itself or the sections of the brain that receive and integrate the balance signals. So, it is important that you be evaluated by a specialist who can identify the cause(s) of any balance problems or dizziness that you may be experiencing. Once the cause is identified, the treatment can be rapidly initiated!!

[missladyj]

(((tankgirl)))

[futura]

((((Tankgirl))))It's a well written, insighful letter. I feel for you.

(((Zoya)))))That sucks.

Dear friends and family

Thank you for being there. I worked my way up in this world, and i find it very hard to ask for help. I never saw myself as that stubborn but i guess i am. Now that i'm living on my own in a city i wanted to live in forever, things just aren't always bright and easy. I'm not afraid of hard times, i'm not afraid of being alone, and now that hard times have come, i feel more joyous than ever. That's because i see you truly care, that you go out of your way to help me. And i really appreciate that. Thanks.

dear r

I'm not mad at you anymore. In some ways you don't deserve it and if you found out i was mad i know you would be very upset. I don't really know why you confuse me so much. But last week i saw wat you are; just a boy. Very young and insecure, trying to put up a front to hide that very fact. You are clueless, and you hurt people because of that. In my head i built you up to be much more than that, an equal counterpart. But now i see that what i thought was there, is not. You try to be as smart as i am, but you're not. You have a lot to learn.

I think it's great you have so many plans, that you are applying for a grant and all that.
Forgive me if i'm being cynical about that. I don't know you that well, but i see that you are unfocused and anything new and shiny catches your attention. When it's not new anymore you toss it away. You do the same with girls. You are afraid to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you really are, you know you have to, some day. These girls you date do seem to know what they want. You can't keep on attaching them to you and then walk out when things get too hard.
You have seen hard times, i know that. At the same time your entitlement and your brattiness irks everyone. You can't go around tattle on people, it will bite you in the ass. You probably don't know it yet, but i know all kinds of stuff you said about my friend, about your ex. This makes you untrustworthy, and now i see why i pulled back from you every time we slept with eachother. It was my gut tellig me to get out. I have known this from the very beginning.
I hope you grow up. I hope that one day you know yourself, be confident for real instead of relying on your looks, and smooth talk.
For now we are friends, sort of. Be careful, though. No more shitty behaviour. If you pull tricks i'm gone. And stop being competitive with me. My friendship is an honor, and if you can't recognize that, you're not worthy. I have way too much class to have been your gf anyway..as if!

see you around
y

[zoya]

dear facebook -

honestly, can you please move the goddamn 'highlight' of the tagged photos of R with his new girlfriend down the page - or better yet, OFF the page? I can deal, it just kinda sucks seeing them EVERY SINGLE TIME I go on facebook. Cycle those fuckers off my page, please.

thank you
zoya

[tankgirl]

I might actually send this.

Dear R ,

I am writing this in letter form because I can’t seem to get you to want to talk to me rationally and to be honest, I am quite sick of being put down every time I try and talk to you. I don’t want to cry anymore.

I am at a really difficult time in my life right now and all I need is support and I am getting nothing but harshness. I have been sick on a daily basis. I have no idea what is causing it but I can’t even get up and walk around without getting nauseous and dizzy, but I still have dinner waiting for you when you come home, whether or not I feel like eating myself. I spend my mornings soaking up what little attention you will give me while you are still in bed, because it seems that is the only time I can get you to as much as brush my hand with yours. I spend my day first being disappointed that you acted so angry at me before you left. Then I proceed to check my email and do job searches online. I usually break it up by taking care of the dog, cleaning the house, making things to sell and cooking. Then I usually walk around or make phone calls about jobs sometimes emails, but I have given up on that. I have done this every weekday since you have let me back into our house. I have been talking to everyone I know trying to find something. I don’t even spend any time online when you aren’t home, because I know you will sit right down at your computer when you get home and that’s the closest I can get to spending any sort of time with you. Then you come home, ignore me while I try to talk to you, make you feel better, cook you dinner or tell you that dinner is waiting for you. You then promptly put your headphones on and blast music so you can’t hear me anymore so I give up and lay down because by then I feel like I am about to vomit.

I know we see things very differently sometimes. I spent over a year watching you sit home all day play video games and get drunk. Some days you wouldn’t even talk to me after I spent a long day at work and just wanted to chill out with my favorite person in this world… you. I tried really hard during that time to treat you with the respect you deserve even when you weren’t contributing anything to our lives. Do you know why? Because I love you and I care about you and I want to be able to take care of you when you are depressed, can’t find a job, burnt out. That is what being in a relationship is about. Loving each other no matter what. Picking up each other’s slack when they need it. Knowing that it will pass and everything is going to be alright because we love and support each other. At least that is what it was like when things were on the other end.

I’m sorry your job sucks. Believe me, I don’t want you working there just as much as you don’t want to be working there. Everyday I worry about you getting hurt, and wonder if you are going to come home or if I am going to get a call from the hospital, and I don’t think that’s overreacting. Your job is dangerous and I hate it. I hate that you found it and since have stopped searching for something that you can stand just even a little bit more. I would rather be homeless than you work there. But I support your decisions. Every single one you make. I have stood by you through everything because I want to. Because I love you and I know that nobody is perfect and people have down times. We both just happen to have them more than most it seems.

But you need to be a little more supportive of me as well. I hate being home. All I want to do is work. All I want to do is get out of this, but it isn‘t going easily. It makes it even harder that I am scared to talk to you now. It seems that no matter how hard I try I get put down. I understand why, but you need to try to understand where I am coming from as well. You have been in this same position and I supported you all along. I asked my mom for money to support us while all you wanted to do is buy beer and play video games with it. It was one of the hardest things that I have had to do but I wanted to make you happy because I love you.

I have never felt so quickly attached and loved somebody so fast as it happened with you. I never in my life wanted to get married and have a family. I always hated the fact that that shit was forced upon me. But being with you changes all that for me. I just want to live my life with you, I want to get married and have a family with you. I like everything that we have together and I want it to last. I am willing to do anything that it takes to have that with you and get there with you. I used to think that you felt the same way. I don’t even know how you feel anymore. You never talk to me. It kills me and makes me fucking mental not knowing what is going on with you. I know I am driving you crazy be being around you so much but you won’t fucking talk to me. I feel like I have to wait for a chance to say anything to you and hope that you respond back to me. It hurts. I just want you back. I love you more than anything.

I was planning on asking you to marry me on June 5th. I’m not going to anymore. I really wanted to, but I guess now isn’t the time. I’m miserable. I would be miserable with or without you it doesn’t matter. I just really wish you could be supportive of me like I am with you. I will give you the world if you just let me.

I love you.

[ananke]

Baby Girl,

I'm sitting here cheering you on - you're still going strong in there. Things are stable for now. So you just keep growing and kicking and flailing around and I'll keep taking the pills and taking it easy and eating well. We love you okay? If you need to come early, just start the process. We'll cope. We just need you to be safe.

Mama

GirlFace,

You infuriate me sometimes, but when I need you, you come. Thank you for staying with me. Thank you for offering to be with me during labour (as freaky as you find it). Thank you for just being a normal sane person i can talk to who doesn't devolve into squeeing almost beyond the human register simply because i'm having a baaaaaaayyyyyyyybbeeeeeeeeeee giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!

L.

Marital Unit,

Thank you. I love you.

L.

Busties,

You're all fucking awesome. thank you.

AJ