[freckleface2727]

anna k and luzizoe, you should totally hang out together! you might not be each other's new best friend's, but at least you'll have 1-more-person you know there in the City.

- want me to suggest a time and place to take the pressure off?

[anna_k]

Luzizoe, I can relate. I've hung out with girls who acted chummy and sweet with me, but never called me or contacted me to hang out, and I would get sick of being the initiator. One woman I know acted like my cute new friend, but she's busy with her schooling and work and apartment and I haven't been able to hang out with her. Or I post on livejournal about new and exciting things that have happened to me (having a letter published in Bust, getting known people to be interviewed for my zine), and not receiving any responses. It makes me feel sad and lonely, like nobody cares what happens to me.

[lucizoe]

(((my fellow dorks)))

word on the girl-dating...

I wish I was more outgoing. This city is huge and I have a feeling there are probably tons of people around just like me, but I'm just too terrified at the moment to join anything, make an effort...

I think much it stems from the fact that I, having ridiculously low self-esteem, have always chosen friends who had no interest in my life. The woman I considered my best friend had no interest in the news that I had been accepted to a theatre design conservatory and that I was moving to NYC. In fact, I don't know that she even knows I moved. Another friend stopped talking to me when I was unavailable to be her free stitching help for the billionth time and she was stuck underhanded for her show (we're both costume designers/builders). An ex-dude of mine insisted that I had "better not disappear from [his] life or I'll be pissed" and he hasn't returned an email in months.

But they are all perfectly happy to meet for drinks so they can talk nonstop about themselves. Not one of them knows anything about my depression, anxiety, cutting, etc. Nothing. Because they never asked and made it pretty clear when I did talk about myself that it was not a welcome diversion from themselves.

Yeah, I've got to let those people go. *poof* gone!

But now I'm unsure about a friend dynamic where I am actually half of the relationship instead of a mirror. That scares me a bit...part of me feels too boring to be worth anyone's time. Gar, I have got to start liking myself better.

(anna, you live in NY, right? let's hang out and be dorky together)

[missthing]

>I wish I was a happy twentysomething with lots of friends and a shared apartment and joyful hedonism, but I just feel like a lonely worker instead.<

That's how my mid to late 20s were. Now that I have time and space for a life, I'm feeling a little clueless. I've been making somewhat of an effort, though.

freckle - Yeah, it totally feels like asking for a date, ainnit? ;o) I guess just go there in two weeks or so and follow your gut, like somebody else said?

[gumby_cc]

ya, freckleface, definately absolutely go back! I met a girl my age at a yardsale I was having and we totally clicked but we were vague about hanging out in the future and never actually met up again....and I totally regret it. Worst case scenario is that it doesn't work out when you go back. But at least you'll know!

[ginger_kitty]

Thanks freckleface, your probably right. They are really youthful for thier ages and they probably enjoy hanging out w/ another happily married couple. Most of thier friends are divorced. Your home depot question? I'll admit I am clueless. Sometimes I meet people like that and I never know, if they are just being nice because they are at work or if they are really cool and we are clicking. My advice just see what happen when you go back and trust your gut.

I just started a myspace account, maybe I'll meet some cool local people and break the ice over the internet, to avoid all the awkwardness of making friends in person.

[anna_k]

I;m jealous of reading Myspace profiles of my old classmates moving to new cities with their friends and having a great fun-filled life while I'm finishing school and don't have close friends to bunk with or rely on. I've had plenty of acquantinces, but rare close friends. I get sick of working alone and doing everything by myself. These kids stayed in their college and had lots of friendships, whereas I moved to a commuter school in NYC and lost contact with people. I've tried to make new friends, but people are usually busy and involved with other things to hang out. I wish I was a happy twentysomething with lots of friends and a shared apartment and joyful hedonism, but I just feel like a lonely worker instead.

[freckleface2727]

ok, today I met (sorta) this really cool woman.
she actually helped me at Home Depot where I was looking for a hammock stand for the mr for father's day. she just moved here, about my age, we just started talking and really seemed to click.
unfortunately, she then got really busy and needed to get back to work, but before I left she said 'come back sometime!' and I said I would.

now, would I look like a stalker freak if the next time I went in there, assuming we spoke & things were still cool, if I gave her my # and asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime?

I swear this feels like I am asking for a date!

ginger kitty, your older friends probably just enjoy being around you and your mr bc you are just that, younger, more energetic or youthful and who knows, maybe it's a spark to their relationship of how they used to be?
they sound really nice and they wouldn't invite you places continuously if they felt you were mooching, you know? relax and enjoy

[ginger_kitty]

It's so incredibly difficult to find couples to be friends with, like you said freckleface. We only have one set of married friends. And they are really cool people, but they are seriously twice our age. We always have a good time together, but they are pretty social and do a lot of things so we don't actually hang out much. Maybe once a month or so. Then sometimes I feel guilty, b/c they are older and more established and they offer to take us on vacation w/ them and stuff. They have a boat, camper, and jacuzzi, etc. So I feel kinda like a mooch with nothing to offer back.

It can me uncomfortable to hang out w/ single people, b/c they don't always seem to understand that my husband and I really enjoy hang out to together. Some of the guys he know, are like 'oh gotta bring the wife huh?' or vice versa w/ a lot of single girls I used to know. And I really have a hard time finding people w/ similar intrests and tend to get bored w/ people who don't have very much in common with me/us.

[freckleface2727]

my mr is totally antisocial, so he doesn't get my need to socialise, is Very frustrating sometimes!
we went thru a time several years back where we actively sought out other couples/young family's to hang with; it was like holding auditions of the worst kind: the dad guy would be cool, but the wife would have Zero personality, or, the wife was cool but the guy was a fuckup (these were mostly co-workers of the mr's, so Army family's). the best was always that both spouses would be great, but the offspring would be monsterous, and I am just Not going to let frecklette, who was very small then, be terrorised in her own home.
after awhile we just finally wore ourselves out & gave up and made do w/ our seperate friends on occassion and then together time on the weekends, which wasn't ideal but hey.

the last time we tried the couple-thing was right before he went to iraq last year, had a nice couple w/ a infant-type-child (no ankle-biters in my home- not Ever) over for dinner, and had an ok evening... and yes, after both men deployed I did stay in contact w/ her, invited her to movie nights w/ other ladies, out for diner, etc, but when the men came back & the mr wanted to get together w/ them I said no. he said ' you always find Something wrong w/ everyone!you're impossible to please!' but here's my thing: this woman is *10*years*YOUNGER* than me. I hooked her up w/ other younger wives w/ small babies.
she was cool but we really had less than nothing in common & it was mutual.

so, we're back to an island of our own again.
we like to pretend that our shared best friend & his wife out in omaha would be "The' Ones" but in reality.. neither of us could really figure out for sure if she even liked either of us, and they just had their 4th kid. -4th!

we don't have friends.
the friends I do have are scattered and I lose touch w/ fairly often as much as we move and I hate this town so much I no longer get out like I used to bc I've distanced myself from all the volunteer work on the base I used to do & don't know how to meet regular people that aren't from the army.
am beginning to think I am defective and there is some major reason people don't like me, and everyone knows it but me.

[missthing]

>In some ways it's probably a bad thing that I married an anti-social man. Since I am borderline anti-social myself, having each other is almost an excuse not to seek out other relationships.<

Oh good golly, yes. Well, I'm not married, but everything else you said applies to me. I recently had a superfabulous weekend in New York (with friends I met through this here board; nay, this here thread) and it was such a drag to come home and, like, shrink myself back up into my regular everyday life.

I have been making more of an effort to be social and call people and get out. I just hate feeling like socializing is an effort, y'know? But you just gotta keep hacking away 'til it's not. Sigh.

Plus I work from home, so it's like isolation to the 10th power.

[ginger_kitty]

lucizoe, I think I know where your coming from.

In some ways it's probably a bad thing that I married an anti-social man. Since I am borderline anti-social myself, having each other is almost an excuse not to seek out other relationships. We always have each other so we don't really worry, oh what are we going to this weekend? With the two of us it's never lonely. And I love my husband madly, but recently, I have been craving other human contact. But I have been in the same town for years, so sometimes I feel like I have already met everyone I could posibably become friends w/, that probably sound dumb. Surely there are more people out there, but I really don't know how to meet and become friends w/ new people.

[lucizoe]

(I am thisclose to killing mr.luci. Not because I don't love him, but because he is the only person I have had more than three words of conversation with for three weeks. And here I thought I hated people. Apparently I need to interact with others outside of my relationship to keep the relationship healthy. Who'da thought?)

*opens envelope for college orientation*

*reads* "blah blah blah...attendance mandatory...will be staying overnight with other new students. Even commuters..."

*snicker*

Apparently, I am required to attend a slumber party during my college's orientation for new students. Required to spend the night with a group of people who were very recently high school seniors. Me and a contigent of 18 year old angsty arty students. No. Don't think so. I believe this warrants a phone call...damn. I'm scared of the phone. Email!

I mean, I'm a transfer student and I'm 24. I'm going to be commuting from Manhattan. I live with my partner. We like to spend the night in the same bed and all that jazz. Mayhaps I shall lie my way through this.

Anyway, go dorky busties!

[laurenann]

basically my only friends are the other women i work with, so the problem can go the other way, too. we can get kind of sick of each other sometimes, and then i don't have anyone else to call!

our bbq (er, i posted about it a few weeks ago) was okay. it was mostly my boyfriend's friends who i have known for years, so i can make small talk with them okay. i have a harder time chatting with their girlfriends. they all sit together and just laugh and laugh - i don't even know if i could think something is that funny.

[gumby_cc]

Bilka, we are feeling the exact same thing! It's like, I wouldn't really want to go out with my coworkers if they invited me. You're right, it's totally wanting the option but not actually wanting to go. I guess if I had a big, fulfilling group of friends outside work then it wouldn't be a big deal at all. But I don't, so I feel like a dork when all my coworkers are good friends with each other except for me.

[missthing]

obelix - It's more like it's easy on paper and not so easy in real life. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Of course you can't just say "rock climbing! The answer to everything!" I just meant that you should focus on doing things *you* want to do, things *you* feel passionate about. So ideally you're having so much fun you forget to be self-conscious around others.

(FWIW, I was one of the original Dork thread participants about three years ago and have had years of intense therapy. So if I seem flip, I don't mean to. I just slip into shorthand).

[bilka]

Hi Gumby,

I have the same problem where I work. Only last Friday it seems like everyone from various departments were going out for a drink after work - apart from me.

I have nothing in common with my co-workers either. For a start, although this shouldn't be an issue, I've only really just started out in admin land, and my co-workers can afford a more interesting lifestyle than me - holidays, nights out, etc. Things they can have conversations about but which I can't really contibute to. Also, I am a vegan and a feminist, and pretty much everyone else isn't interested in those types of issues!

I must admit I felt really bad about myself last weekend, but then I just remind myself that I don't really have that much in common with them anyway, and that I wouldn't really have fun if I did go out with them. I think I would just prefer to have the option, rather than be excluded completely, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, that long babble over, basically, what I'm saying is I think I know how you feel!

[flowergirl]

I have to agree with you there obelix, I always hear that advice, like "why don't you take up rock climbing? i'm sure you'll meet lots of interesting people who you'll have lots in common with" - I've tried everything, but I find it hard to chat to people in general so it's probably my general shyness that makes it hard for me to talk to people, even when i'm doing something that i enjoy with other people.

At the same time, it's so great when you meet someone and you just 'click' - everything seems so easy! Then I think about all the time I've wasted on people I have nothing in common with and wonder why I forced myself to hang out with them and try to be like them, as if there was something wrong with me because I didn't enjoy their company.

I'm beginning to think real friends are very few and far between.

Have you guys heard of that book about "highly sensitive people"? I sometimes wonder if those people (me included) who feel like 'outsiders' are just operating from a different space than the majority of people....

[obelix]

I think you're making it sound much easier than it really is, missthing. If it were really as easy as listening to Ann Landers, we wouldn't have this thread. For me, those friendships/that clicking has NOT happened naturally.

Do you have a circle of friends outside of work, gumby?

Right now, I'm working on listening. I want to be that person who seems to listen attentively to everything and who remembers all the details of other people's stories. It's difficult with people I don't like, though.

[gumby_cc]

Well, maybe half the time I go....but the head organizer coworker says that she doesn't take it personally when people say no. Like I was cool with hanging out at people's houses, but now when they do that, they always end up going out to the same bars all the time, and get guys to hit on them....like I'm SO not into that, even if I didn't have a serious boyfriend.

You ladies are right, I guess I wouldn't mind so much about this whole thing if I wasn't feeling so isolated and self conscious about how hard it is for me to make friends in the first place...