[culturehandy]

Dear Friend

I am confused. So so confused and conflicted. Do you care about us a friends? Do you care about me at all? All those time that we talked for hours, the things I told you. I want you mon cheri.

Me.

[melinamarie]

P.S. I hope you're not bringing your dog over to her house. It really freaked her out last time.

Worrying,

M

[melinamarie]

deleted

[anarch]

ps. I'd really really love to say "temper tantrum" to you, but I'm afraid that'd just set off another one. If you had your inner toddler under control you'd be able to recognize that a temper tantrum is, indeed, exactly what you had without going off the deep end. I know I know, you're working on it. Work on it fast, because it's wearing me out.

[zoya]

dear S -

I so totally hooked your friend up, and I didn't even get a thanks. I gave her my number and got no call, no nothin. You asked if I'd met her or if she'd called and you were convinced she'd call to say hi. Nope.

I totally ran into her out of the blue last night and recognized her from that pic and your description. All she could say to me was "wow, it's really expensive here" no thanks. no nothin.

Honestly, for the hook up I gave her, that is really fucking lame. Not that I hooked her up expecting anything, but come the fuck on. Common fucking courtesy, especially for what I did for her.

I hooked her up for you. Because I do that for my friends. I enjoy it. And I like you.

I know you say you don't have any bullshit friends, that all your friends are really cool, but honestly, I am unimpressed by this particular friend. I thought there was something fantabulous about her by the way you always gush over and seem to think she is the best thing since sliced bread.

Personally, she came off as a little fucking girl who got what she wanted (the hookup I gave her) and doesn't give a shit about anything other than playing to you and whatever your "friendship" is.

What the fuck ever. I have no use for little girls who are so lame they can't appreciate what someone they didn't even know did for them.

I may be a nice person, but I am not gonna be taken advantage of. So she can find herself another hook up next time.

not real impressed...
zoya

[anarch]

dear love of my life,
it makes me feel bruised when you shout at me and I understand that you regret it and you haven't shouted at me since the fall so that's really great progress and i appreciate it, and I appreciate your apology this morning and how bright & busy-tailed you're trying to be today, but I hope you understand that your email about these issues makes me cry because it's fucking DISORIENTING to deal with your jekyll-&hyde personality. I know you haven't gone Hyde on me for months and that kind of makes it worse because my defenses were completely down (but it also makes me think, christ, how did I stand the first 2 yrs with you when it was happening every week?).

It exhausts me, I can't get any work done for at least a day after, and you really can't expect me to be all sunny just because YOU feel "enlightened" about the shit going on in your subconscious. And you can't god-damned well blame me crying for "making" you feel guilty. You're responsible for making you feel guilty. Duh.

When you shout at me I regret marrying you and think about having S-A-I-N-T tattooed all over my body.

However I have faith that your behaviour and self-awareness will continue to improve as they have from Day 1, and that this was just the 2-steps-back part of 3-steps forward, so do PLEASE bring this up with your therapist. And yes, we do need a budget, you stupid ass, and you do need to get a receipt for everything and bring the receipts to me so I can enter them, if you want to avoid credit card debt. Get your ego the fuck out of the way.

[lucizoe]

dear mr.luci,

please don't do that to me, okay? remember how we talked about how differently we adapt to things? this is a hugely new experience for me and I have to take it slow. i'm a big ball of anxiety and neuroses and you know it, so quit trying to make me do shit i'm not ready for.

i know your intentions are good and i love you desperately

love,
luci

[sybarite]

Dear powers that be,

Please let this turn out all right, in the end if not immediately if that's what's necessary. This could be the start of things being better, which would be awesome. Please, please let that happen. I will be grateful and, more importantly, will stick to my promises. Just let me make them.

Thank you,
Me

[obelix]

L-
Maybe. Lunch with you (not! a! date!) will be interesting. You are a male version of myself. Bizarre. But I have no urge to rip your pants off.
-D

CJ-
Maybe. I need to tell you exactly how I feel but first I need to figure out how I feel. And none of it matters, because you're driving.

And I'm going out to lunch with L tomorrow. But I would cut you out of my life if you went out with the girl who shares my name. Double standard, or slightly different circumstances?

And I DO have the urge to rip your pants off.
-D

[freckleface2727]

grocery manager guy-

you are SO cute!
and I have to tell you.. this flirtation we have going, is hysterically fun bc you're short and round and old and simply adorable and it puts me into fits of secret giggles when I see you in the store,bc as I'm approaching, I'm always thinking '... is he going to see me? is he going to acknowledge me?' and while I do realise it's your job to be approachable it's the way you
-stop- and sorta stare and half stutter and blush when you do speak that gives you away.
you're not the first man to stutter in my presence you know! ;)
for awhile I thought they'd moved you bc I hadn't seen you in several weeks but am much glad you are you still there. you were so very kind to me that day I locked my keys in my car and was so upset.
I know this whole thing is silly but you really make shopping there more interesting.

fondly, the freckly redhead

crossing guard lady at freck's school:
thankyou So much for *always* stopping traffic for me to let me turn out when I drop frecklette off every morning. might be a small thing to you but to me it's a lot and it shows me you like me too, which is nice bc I'd been trying to wave a Thanks to you for some time. am probably going to get you a small bouquet of flowers when school lets out bc I really do appreciate it.

lady in the green car w/ cubs plate on the front

self:
your good vibin' mojo is On today, do as many people-related tasks as you can think of while it lasts. you rock!
me

dogboy-
please cooperate when I bathe you? please?
no shakey shakey on me once you're done and please climb in & out of the tub on your own bc you're hard for me to lift. there'll be extra treats in it for you if you do this for me.
lovingly,
dogma

fake son-
I'm so proud of you !!!!
hopefully the mr will invite you to dinner tonight as he was instructed a little while ago, bc I'd like to celebrate your promotion!!
we do still need to talk some anyway.
I tried to explain to the mr why I really feel Compelled to continue to help you.. that bc freck & I were such a huge part of your inital recovery from your injuries when you first came back from iraq drives me to make sure you're really ok.
mental stress from what you experienced can harm just as much and I do trully feel a bond w/ you that doesn't let me just walk away.
the mr is getting it. taking him awhile maybe, but he's getting there.

bring some soda tonight will you, bc I just realised a I forgot whilest at the store, seems I was a little distracted..

fake mom

[crazyoldcatlady]

(*threadhogging*)

dear sf,

i hate that you've infiltrated my sleeping hours;
i hate that i can't stop hating you, that every day i wish for something terrible to happen to you, as repartion for all the terrible things you did to me;
i hate how i want a front row seat to your misery,
but knowing that you'll never get yours;
i hate that you took 2 1/2 years from me, and i hate that i let you;
i hate that it's been six months, and instead of dissipating, i despise you more each day;
(i hate you i hate you i hate you)

and i hate that i can't be the be the better person anymore, and that i want to stoop to your level because that's all you can understand.

-cc

[livelyupurself]

Dear You,

I love more than the moon and the stars and I know that you are going through a difficult time, but that is no excuse for what you did and how you behaved here tonight. You know full well what kind of situation I just got out of. The way you acted tonight smacked of someone elses behavior a bit too much for comfort. So you decided to go off of your meds, I get that now. But that still is no excuse for the way you freaked out on ME tonight. You are so fucking lucky I didn't call the cops myself and let you wake up in the mental ward. I meant what I said, tomorrow you go see your doctor and get this stuff straightened out or there is the door. I will not accept this emotional hostage taking bullshit you pulled tonight. Ever. From anyone. EVER again in MY life. Got it?! Nobody deserves it and the fact that you watched someone else do it to get their way with me and decide to pull it on me to see if it would work, is such complete bullshit. It is betrayal of the highest order as far, as I'm concerned. I know you are sick, I know you are depressed, I know the meds are screwing with you, but GET YOUR ASS SOME HELP. There are people out there who are wasting away from cancer and other degenerative diseases that are seriously painful, and they do not throw fits and break windows and try to excuse it because they are just tired of being in pain. I'm not trying to minimize the pain that you are suffering, but there is NO excuse for physically and emotionally intimidating others, EVER. Period. And it is not just the physical pain, it is depression too. Yes, you are depressed. Admit it. SAY IT OUTLOUD. You are creating your hell with your behavior. Stop moping around, feeling sorry for yourself. I know that was hard to hear and take from me, but that is no excuse for screaming at me and freaking out on me in my own fucking home. And breaking that window, thats just fucking fantasic. Where am, I supposed to get the money to fix it??? You know I'm broke, you are broke, we are all struggling just to make ends meet. FUCK! So what now? What the hell am I supposed to do? What do I tell the fucking property manager? I swear to fucking god if you ever, in your life disrespect me or my home like you did tonight, you will be a self fulfilling prophecy and be completely alone. I have always been your cheerleader, been on your side and by your side, but you have shown such little appreciation lately. It's like you resent me, your miserable to even be around, you make it so uncomfortable for everyone, that you are being avoided. Your'e blatantly seething with jealousy and you blame everyone else for your misery. I know being chronically ill sucks, I know that being depressed sucks, and having the doctors be such morons with your care is frustrating beyond belief. But hurting the ones who love and support you the most, that is not wise. Please, tell the doctor the truth, let them help you. I can't do anything more for you, it is up to you now. I will always love you and always be here for you, but that does not mean that I have to put up with this bullshit from you.

Me

[crazyoldcatlady]

dear pregnant sister,

did i not see this coming? did i not tell you 6 months ago NOT to get a cat, because you were trying to get pregnant, and you had other things to worry about? did i NOT tell you that you'd end up getting rid of it? did i NOT tell you the same thing when you wanted a dog 3 years ago?

stop running through animals. you know better.

and stop calling me if you're going to be all hormonal and psycho and crying because you think you have toxoplasmosis from holding the cat. jesus christ.

dear mr. saturday night,
you're still hot, but seriously, i'm not here to train you. take the reins. i'm leaving in 3 weeks, i don't have time to fuck around and do the usual dance.

dear unconsciousness,
is it not enough that i'm tortured in my waking hours that you now have to torture me every time i go to sleep? i'm tired of having dreams that prey on my worstcasescenarios. i'm so. freaking. tired.

[lucizoe]

dear friends,

Would it kill one of you - any of you - to respond to my emails? I'm sorry, but I didn't get the "let's all ignore Kat for some unknown reason" memo. But seriously, I am racking my brain over here and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I pulled the very distinguished honors of suddenly being ignored by everyone in my life whom I thought cared about me.

Seriously. What's going on? I really don't think I committed any serious trangressions, and I didn't know that you were the type of people to hold grudges anyway, if I DID do something unspeakably bad or whatever. Gar, this letter is totally rambly but I am really really really hurt by this and completely confused. I know everyone is busy, but it takes all of two seconds to write "Oh my gosh, that is so exciting! Write more later! Love!"

Is this because I wouldn't make myself available to work for free on Jenn's show? Is that it? 'cause it takes two hands to count the number of times I have helped bail her out due to poor planning and her entitled little attitude, and no fingers to count how many times she's helped me.

Is this because I said something about L and D? 'Cause if it is, y'all need to get over yourselves. That IS a potentially abusive relationship, I don't care how nice it looks from the outside. I see the inside and I hear the stories and I've seen them together and trust me, it is not.good. D is isolating L, controlling her car and mobility, telling her that she can't masturbate because it's cheating, monopolizing all her time...did I tell you all that I actually got L alone for fifteen minutes at a coffeeshop once, before D came barging in and told her that she had to leave, and L did it? Doesn't this concern any of you at all?

In case any of you were wondering, I moved 350 miles away from all of you. Maybe someday you'll try to call my cell phone and realize that the number doesn't work anymore. Maybe then you'll go back and, I dunno, maybe open those emails I sent you all and get a little shock.

Fuck you all very much.

-bleh

[culturehandy]

Dear Sybarite

You aren't hogging!

Culture

Dear me,

Oh fuck what did you do? You know you are in deep now! You were going to be open and going to honest! But now, you don't know what to think. Is it destiny he asks? What am I supposed to think of that? in what way. Not a day goes by when I think that maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be together, or connected somehow! I want to tell you, I need to tell you, but I have a feeling I will be rejected. I adore you. We work well together, things just feel right and fit right. I don't know what to do. Can't you just tell me? Please don't avoid me. I can't deal with this. I am so conflicted. You told me you cared about me a great deal, but in what way? Obviously you do, as you have been there think and thin. I have told you things I have told no one else, this is how much trust and confidence I have in you. But when I write it seems so silly.

Confused

H.

[sybarite]

*sorry for hogging the thread everyone*

Dear me,

Worst case scenario: It ends. You finish your work and go to Africa. With your savings, meant for the wedding. Like you wanted to do anyway. You will be in pain and feel you can't breathe or bear it. But you will. And in time you will be better.

Remember what Judi said: 'the next love of your life', and she's fifty, so knows a few things.

This probably won't happen. But would it be so bad if it did?

Love yourself. Don't lose ground. He has put you off track from your life before and it will not happen again. Your work rocks and you know this. This is arguably the start of what you were born to do. It is your vocation, your talent. Trust it, sleep and be good to yourself.

Snarky aside: because the person who is meant to care for you sure as fuck hasn't. Which begs the question.

love ya babe, me

Dear you,
you are not here to answer these questions. The clarity provided by your absence may not produce the result you're looking for.

Just a thought.
Me

[sybarite]

You, again.

You made your point. I'll even do it. But know this isn't the only problem here, by a long shot. What do you think prompted this in the first place?

What I think: I'm happy in my life, happier than I've been in years, and as you know (or maybe you don't, to the fullest extent, although you damn well should)it's a hard won happiness and the dark days were certainly not helped by you back then. I love my work and am getting praise; everyone but you respects what I'm doing and are impressed by the quality of my work. I'm confident, but less so than I should be, because you undermine what I am doing at every fucking stage. And why? I don't want to believe something so reductive as envy, that you didn't do it yourself. I would have thought that is unworthy of you. Yet I can find no other explanation why you continue these veiled criticisms of my work.

Would you have been so angry if you were working harder at fixing the source of the problem, going ahead with action you must undertake for that person's actual happiness? But no; you do nothing on that front and take it all out on me.

I cannot understand why someone otherwise so bright is so clueless about the workings of their own mind and motivations.

During this time you need to take a long look at yourself. I'm far from being the only one to blame here. Hell, maybe this will end up with both of us availing of what you describe. I'd say we could bloody well use it. As long as you keep saying the problem is mine alone we will continue to have problems.

So let it blow up. Then maybe we can make some sense out of the rubble, if sense is to be had.

I can't believe you're doing this again. You're a coward, which is the worst part of all of this.

Me

[sybarite]

Dear you,

What the hell?

Tell me there is something else I should think, when you leave at midnight to 'stay in a hotel'. I have no reason to think you are seeing someone, because if you were that would mean you are so far from what I thought you were. It would mean I have been living with someone else, someone I don't know who keeps things from me. It would mean I would have been complicit in my own self-delusion, perhaps.

I have been unfaithful. Not to you, but I have been in the past. The reason I wouldn't again is because the resultant lies are an instant wall between you and the person you profess to love.

I have loved you for your integrity. If that is a sham I will be as hard on myself as I am on you. That might not be fair but it is how I feel, and I shouldn't feel that way because I've done NOTHING WRONG.

I am responsible for us fighting and you were right to be upset and angry. But storming out like that, and not returning, is a little out of character. You could well have stayed a few different places, and it is far more logical that you did, that you're still angry.

Which is another issue. I am sorry for what I did, but you are not my disciplinarian. It is not for you to punish me.

It would hurt me beyond anything if this were to end. I can't truly believe it might. But know if it does I will cope, I've done it before and God help me this time may even be easier. I've already lost sleep in my life over you, I won't do it again. If it ends, then you're not worth it anyway.

Me

Dear myself,
The above is the worst case scenario. You know that. He just wants to hurt you, which is shitty enough. If it all goes to shit the world is big. I can't even type anymore, I can't envision this.

[zoya]

dear you -

I thought you were my friend. true friends - especially the kind I thought we were - work through shit, are able to find that communication again.

now I am beginning to think that it was all a ruse. That you were just after me the whole time. My basis was in friendship. Yours? I'm not so sure now.

And that really fucking bums me out.

But you know what? Its YOUR FUCKING LOSS.

I AM the girl you were friends with. I have never changed. Bobbled a bit, yes. But we all do that. I am still me. And I am still extraordinary. But you, my friend, you have done pretty much a complete 180 from the friend I thought I knew. Something I NEVER thought you would do, considering .

Will you ever own up? Stranger things have happened, so perhaps you will.

I miss you. I miss what I thought was a really special friendship. Or perhaps I just miss what I am now wondering was just an illusion.

Am I wrong?

Prove it.
zoya.

[raskel]

dear hair,

you're looking pretty sassy today. go you.

-raskel.