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> Committed, Part 2, In a relationship and or marriage, not quite the loonybin.
lucymygal
post Aug 22 2006, 10:00 AM
Post #1481


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Posts: 6


Thanks for the response ggg. I think the worst part of the blog girl is I do feel a twinge of jealousy towards her. Also when I do bring it up he is like just because she has naked picts of herself and her sexual exploits on the net doesn't mean you can judge her....isn't that what feminism is about...women doing what they want? He is using feminism against ME?

I have forwarded a link to her site to a few friends asking is she cute, cuter than me? That girl against girl bullshit drives me crazy and makes me feel dumb dumb dumb when I participate in it. ARGH!!!

From what you have written it DOES seem your guy is being selfish. I don't think you should run for the hills just yet...but this matter needs serious discussion. I think if he was going to go out of town he should have talked it over with you before buying the ticket! He is not showing you much respect!

Good luck if you do come to Chicago....that's where I live:) Great city.
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girlygirlgag
post Aug 22 2006, 09:13 AM
Post #1482


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From: Your mom's house.


I don't know much about blogs besides PINK Is the New Blog, dooce.com and gofugyourself.

But I think it is highly inappropriate to keep a relationship with a woman who has a "crucsh" on you. Also, I don't think it is a big deal he goes to those stupid blogs, I go to some stupid stuff on the net as well. Your online life is not your real life. That being said, I still thnk bringing a "cyber" friend, who has an adult themed blog, who has feelings for you when you are in a relationshiop, is a smack in the face and I would not have it. Let him know, if he acts insulted, fuck 'em. Put the shoe on the other foot and firmly state that this is not something you are comfortable with, if he continues, he must choose between his relationship with you and with this other blogger. When it comes to these situations, I think it is okay for the ultimatum.

Mr GGG and I had a hard time with the internet when we first started dating, my blogs on MYSPACE, as well as a "friend" of his that really knew no limits as to what was their business or not. I now keep my blog private, plus he knows how drama addicted some of those "friends"were and also my need for venting. I know some things I post on the web, even here, get back to his ex ( mother of his kids,) but I really don't care anymore. I don't say anything cruel about her, or who she is in RL, and I have a right to vent. I have decided not to vent in Real Life anymore about that situation, frankly because I am tired of it, plus my friends know whats up, and they are tired of it too. I know now that someplaces I don't have the anonymity I would like, but I am not choosing to change my identity because I realize it is their problem and not mine.

I am on the outs with the Mr right now anyways. He has signed a five year lease to the dog house and I have a lot of decision making to do as to what I can really handle. He is treating me like he did his ex towards the end of their relationship and I don't have kids with him to keep me tied to him. I also have a low threshhold for this bullshit.

He accuses me of sometimes being self centered. This week, his children are out of town with their grandparents. He and I are having troubles. I let it out on him last week, that I am incredibly unhappy, that I want to leave, but I want to work on this. I am lonely and I don't feel loved or special.

i thought during this time off from parenting, he and I could spend some much NEEDED quality time together. We were to go camping last weekend, but he said he could not afford it at the very last minute. Also, tonight I have a company thing at the ballgame in a DELUX box and after poking and pulling strings, I was able to get a ticket for him.

Last Saturday morning, at about 4 am, he informa me that he got a flight to POrtland off of Priceline and he was leaving at 3pm. I thought he was lying.

HE WOULDN'T BUY A PLANE TICKET TO GO OUT WEST TO VISIT FRIENDS FOR A WEEK, WITH NO NOTICE, AFTER HE SAID HE WAS TOO BROKE TO GO CAMPING WITH ME, AFTER I CRIED TO HIM FOR HOURS, POURING MY HEART OUT ABOUT HOW I WAS FEELING. HE IS NOT REALLY THIS SELFISH OR INSENSITIVE|, IS HE?


He is. He spent $350 on a plane ticket, plus what ever he has to eat and drink when he is out there.

He keeps calling me and apologizing, but what is done is done. Do I want to waste my time on some washed up wanna be rock star, with his head shoved so far up his ass, he pulls crap like this? (While when I had somethign happened to me, I did not create the situation mind you, he gave me the silent treatment for five days because I WAS SELFISH!!! ME! WHO HAS ALTERED HER LIFE, GIVEN UP A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF INDEPENDENCE TO BE WITH THIS MAN WHO HAS CHILDREN, GAVE UP MY HOUSE: I am obviously a selfish bitch. blink.gif rolleyes.gif )


I don't know what to do. He calls and is like, I get impulsive without thinking about other people, I should have stuck to our plan, blah bleh blah be do. But, screw it, he is out in Seattle having a grand old time, and I am sitting here, OUTRAGED, PISSED, HURT, ETC.


I seriously may knock his lights out.

I was offered a job in Chicago last week. I may be moving.


--------------------
Constantly on.
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lucymygal
post Aug 22 2006, 08:12 AM
Post #1483


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I have frequented the bust lounge for years but have never posted.
I am having a problem with my boyfriend and am not sure if I am being hypersensitive or if he is purposefully cruel. We are in a long term relationship and have been through a lot together. For the most part he has been a great boyfriend. We went through a breakup a few months ago and one of the smaller factors contributing to it was his “internet life.”

He has a blog and it is a fairly popular one. He never mentions me because I had requested early in the relationship that he keep me out of it. However, he does like to blog about OTHER attractive women. When we were broken up a somewhat infamous blogger wrote about her crush on him. They subsequently became friends and he basically did some work on her blog for her (updating which probably took a weekend to do). He put more effort into it than one would guess a internet friend would do. This woman has naked pictures of herself on her blog, her blog is personally themed but mostly about sex and she has written about having sex with the most popular “sex blogger” of them all. You can guess who that is. When we got back together he said there had been nothing between them and he made me feel embarrassed for asking. It still bugs me. They are still friends. And have met each other for dinner.

He frequents sites like facethejury and hotornot. This guy is highly educated and has a professional job. I don’t understand what a 25 year is doing on sites like that. He makes it known and often comments about these sites on his blog. He knows I read his blog so I feel like it’s a slap on the face to me. He also seems to do it (or maybe thats when it bothers me) when I am going through tough times. (LIKE NOW)

Am I being hypersensitive or is he being a jerk? I really need an unbiased answer, and I’m not sure my friends are capable of delivering one.

Thank you!!!!
Lucy
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roseviolet
post Aug 21 2006, 03:43 PM
Post #1484


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I'd like to third what Venitia has said. There have been plenty of times when Sheff and I have done things (or failed to do things!) that have driven the other one insane. When we get angry & argue with eachother, it never fixes anything. But when we sit down and really talk about what is happening, what we expect, and what may be keeping us from doing what we know we should be doing ... well, it tends to help. It's not 100% perfect, but it works pretty well.

For example, there was a time when Sheff was unemployed & waiting for his greencard to come through. During that time, I was SUPER duper busy. Sheff was good about paying the bills, doing the laundry, buying groceries, and keeping the house fairly presentable, but the dishes were a problem. We didn't have a dishwasher & our kitchen was this teeny tiny place. And sometimes ... well, let's just say that sometimes he didn't keep on top of the dishes. For many days. It was infuriating! But when I sat down & talked with him about it, I realized that the dishes were a trigger for him & brought out his depression. For some reason, this one chore just reminded him of how hard it was to be unemployed and stuck at home and all of that. So I tried to pick up the slack by doing the dishes occasionally. When I realized that there was much more to the problem than simple laziness, I was able to sympathise with him and support him. And because he felt understood, he actually started doing better with those dishes. Not perfect, but better.

I also think that sometimes our tendency to be hyper-critical of our partner's behavior is tied to our personal identity. You may feel that people are judging you based upon your partner's behavior - as if you and your partner are one and the same, instead of two seperate people. I've been there and, I must confess, that's a tough one! I often felt embarassed of my ex's behavior. But oddly, once we broke up I found that a lot of his old irritating behavior just didn't bother me anymore. That's when I began to see that the problem wasn't him as much as it was me.

Catwomyn, I loooooved your suggestions! Especially the one about picking him up after work and going to the museum on the free nights. I may have to steal that from you!
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catwomyn
post Aug 21 2006, 03:17 PM
Post #1485


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From: Canada. Specifically, Ontario.


I'd llike to second what venitia just said - I think if we coudl empathize with each other better, it would go a long long way. Like he could understand how his actions make me (us) feel, and I could understand if he feels dumb about it and be kind with him rather than angry.

sybarite, Catman and I, having lived together in the same city for going on 7 years now, have started to combat a similar laziness with planned dates, as if we were travelling. Like I'll pick him up after work on the evening that a museum has free admission and we'll have dinner out and go there. It's amazing how much we find in our own city that we've never seen before. Sometimes we even get a hotel room for a night or two on a weekend - you can often find good bargains on www.hotwire.com - and even though it's in the same city it feels like a good getaway.
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sybarite
post Aug 21 2006, 05:04 AM
Post #1486


it's cards on the table time
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I worry we're getting lazy with each other. We don't go out on planned dates at all really. We do travel a lot together which is great, but I feel once we're back home we don't make an effort: to talk seriously with each other or to simply do something together like have a meal out, go to a film etc. We are both busy with work and most of the time we peacefully hang out at home. I just think we should introduce some (planned) fun back into our lives.
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venetia
post Aug 20 2006, 06:39 PM
Post #1487


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 456
From: Aotearoa (aka New Zealand)


Part of me feels it's because people don't empathise with each other enough.

I mean, if these guys really thought about how doing this made you feel, they wouldn't do it, and then if they did make a mistake they would feel genuinely terrible and in turn you would be sorry for them, not angry with them.

That said everyone does things differently and chooses to live differently. Things like, my bf not ever ever vacuuming the edges of the carpet when he vacuums is his own personal choice. (I just come along and do them really well on my days to vacuum, because that's how I choose to do it - but I don't let myself get annoyed with him). Or like how he makes foods differently to how I do it, or how he puts the blankets on the bed in a different order to the way I do. Not the end of the world. I think sometimes people get all threatened by "the principle of the thing" or by their partner being different, and that is the bit you have to surrender.

Like, how to not be a control freak without losing control of your own life, and without being dishonest (Ithink surrendered wives is horrible - it's the way to go if you want a relationship where you basically don't communicate or share or let your partner know you very well as a person. It's lazy, too.).
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aquagirl3
post Aug 20 2006, 06:30 PM
Post #1488


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Posts: 104


I bought him a book called "It's (Mostly) His Fault." If I can read The Surrendered Wife and Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, then he can read that one. (Don't worry, I read Dr. Laura in the bookstore...I won't give her money!)
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katiebelle2882
post Aug 20 2006, 10:51 AM
Post #1489


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 647
From: NYC


part of me feels like the problems lies in the fact that we are enlightened and have changed but then men (shocking) have not. the worst part is they SAY they have or they AGREE with those principles yet their behavior doesnt change at all.


--------------------
There's something about the Irish that is remarkable.-Franois de la Rochefoucauld
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katze
post Aug 20 2006, 07:15 AM
Post #1490


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From: Missouri


aquagirl3,

I know how you feel. Sometimes my husband seems to completely lack common sense. My way of dealing is to try not to say anything when he does something stupid (if the damage is done and can no longer be prevented), and wait until my frustration/anger has passed. Then I decide if it's worth it to talk about it. At least then I am calm. This doesn't always work though. A couple weeks ago I yelled at him for quite a while for putting a used oil fliter on the back seat of my car and it leaked oil on the seat (after he changed my oil). After I finally calmed down he said he himself felt pretty stupid for doing that, but I was so angry that he didn't want to admit it was dumb. I felt bad for yelling at him like that when it accomplished nothing but made him feel worse. Luckily I do have a husband who can admit when he is wrong and is willing to change. Sometimes if I find myself nagging him to mop the floors or do one of his other jobs, I just ask him "why do you wait until I have to nag?" "Will it ever get done if I don't nag?". Sometimes that seems to work to get him be become motivated on his own and come up with his own plan/schedule for his chores. I really don't want to become the nagging bitchy wife so I'm always trying to find another way to communicate how I feel.
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aquagirl3
post Aug 19 2006, 06:33 PM
Post #1491


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Posts: 104


Has anyone here heard of a book "The Surrendered Wife"? I read it in the bookstore last week and a lot of what it said made sense to me. I know some of it is ridiculous--I don't believe in giving up the finances or not telling your husband if he drives past a freeway exit, for god's sake--but I really don't like myself very much sometimes when I bitch at him and so much of it is not important. I am conflicted as a feminist feeling like we are following so many of the cliched marriage gender traps, with me in the nag/mother role and then I think to myself BUT WHY DOES HE DO SUCH DUMB SHIT!!! And I go back and forth and it drives me crazy.
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sybarite
post Aug 15 2006, 09:14 AM
Post #1492


it's cards on the table time
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Posts: 1,993


GGG, I understand totally about not wanting to talk to people IRL about this, especially if you are in a small town.

About the house stuff, I think moving into someone else's house is always problematic. I moved into my mister's place and it drives me crazy in so many ways. One of these is their sense that the place is still 100% theirs and that they should make all the decisions. I don't know if that's happening here but in any case, now that you are living there, IMO you can make an equal part of any household decisions (possibly excepting those which affect his children). It is hurtful as well as insulting when your genuine, thoughtful efforts in and around the house are dismissed.

The situation with his ex is harder, and I'm sorry to hear it's still crap (from your previous posts elsewhere). You sound very understanding of his boundaries and concerned about what's best for his children, but clearly he needs to cut you some slack here too. I don't know what to suggest, but certainly coming home from a hard day and then fielding more stress at home is not ideal, or fair.

In the short term, can you get away to see family/friends for a few days? It's not a solution but it could give you a break.
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girlygirlgag
post Aug 15 2006, 08:19 AM
Post #1493


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Yes, just with him. We are going through a new situation , which I will not go into detail, but a lot of our rhythyms have changed. He has two children from a previous relationship that we split custody with and the mother and I do not get along. She has a tendency to drag me into their disputes when arguing, which really bothers me, then he attacks me over it. I now know someone I was confiding in and thinking was a person who was not necessarily taking sides, was and reporting things I had said to her, and from what I have been confronted with, grossly distorting them.

He and I have been together for over two years now, yet there is still contoversy with her about me being in not only her kids lives', but his life too. I am sick of it. We live in a small town, well, not so small, but we run in the same, SMALL, social circle. I am not going to not talk about my life, and her kids happen to be a big part of my life. I don't speak about them or their mother negatively in RL at all anymore, even to my friends, because, frankly I am sick of talking about it, and sick of her to be quite honest, and her "problems".

I understand that he wants her to be in #1 condition to be the best mother (she is an EXCELLENT MOTHER< BTW, just hitting a rough patch, which happens) she can be for those kids, and I have never seen two people be such good co-allies for their children 85% of the time. BUT, they can really push eachothers' buttons and this is not HER fault entirely AT ALL, he does it too, then tries to act like he doesn't. I have seen him lose it on her for no reason, more than once, but they do it to eachother, like they are still a couple. Then I get dragged into it somehow,.

Sometimes I feel like he is more concerned for her happiness than mine, and he feels I should just deal with it, because I am not the mother of his kids. Though, I am the woman, cooking for him, cleaning, loving him and his kids, and helping HIM. It really hurts me.

I also feel he is VERY condescending to me. He is such a frickin OCD CONTROL FREAK, any kind of change that goes on in our house, he has a mild to serious coronary over it. For instance. This spring I DUG OUT BY MYSELF a new flower agrden in the front yard. On the side of the house, there was seom big, creek rocks, that had been sitting there for years, NOT BEING USED FOR ANYTHING, so I used them to line the new flower bed.

He flipped.

Then I found out he had some master plan for those rocks, that of course had never been touched. I had heard about this plan, but forgot about it, #1, because he ahd not mentioned it in a long time, #2, because nothing was being done about it.

I understand I should have asked, but now we have a great new flower bed, which he loves and is growing tomatos in. But, everytime he designates something to be somethings else these days, he repeats it over and over to me like I am developmentally disabled, or something. IT BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I think he thinks he is being cute, when he is being a condescending JACKNUT. It makes me want to cry.

I am working really hard at a new job, have NO MONEY right now, and just feeling like everytime I go home, I have to take on more responsibility without thanks and with lots of criticism and it makes me want to cry. I feel like I have no support. I don't see my parents or family very much and I feel really alone. It sucks. I hate talking to my friends about it, because I don't want to be a jerk and I don't want them to think he is a jerk.


--------------------
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katze
post Aug 14 2006, 06:28 PM
Post #1494


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From: Missouri


Hi girlygirlgag,

Are you doing this primarily with your partner? I would guess that you are feeling insecure in the relationship or maybe your needs aren't being met, and you are afraid of verbalizing this to your partner so your feelings are coming out this way. I'm no psychologist or anything, just my guess. This tends to be how I react when I'm dissatisfied.
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girlygirlgag
post Aug 14 2006, 09:42 AM
Post #1495


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From: Your mom's house.


Okay, I cannot seem to figure out my deal, but I am sucha crab lately. I take everything too personnally and making an art out of over-reacting.

Why do I do this!?!?!?!?


--------------------
Constantly on.
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catwomyn
post Aug 9 2006, 01:57 PM
Post #1496


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From: Canada. Specifically, Ontario.


Hi CuriousKat,

I think you are *definitely* doing the right thing by taking it slow and learning how you like to be touched. I really wish I had done that to start!

And using a condom is also the right way to go. If you use it properly (google this to make sure you're doing it right) you are fairly well protected, so may not need birth control depending on how much of a "risk" you're comfortable with. If you don't want the side-effects or long-term committment of the pill, but want a back-up for the condom, you coudl also consider other shorter-term means to compliment the condom, like spermicide, VCF, the sponge etc (again, google it if unsure).

Anyways this is a bit OT for this thread, but it's also great to really take your time with a guy and make sure he's "the one". If it's your first time, it can be a bit of a letdown no matter what, but IMHO you really want a guy who will be sweet, tender and respectful, including the morning after.

Good luck!
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katze
post Aug 6 2006, 07:36 PM
Post #1497


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Posts: 31
From: Missouri


Modegirl,

Having similar attitudes and spending habits with money is so important in a marriage, particularly where your finances are merged. If you have trouble discussing it with him and comming to agreement, maybe you should see a counselor. Getting this worked out early will save you years of arguments down the road.

Luckily, my husband and I agree on how to spend money, we are both conservative. I'm a little bit looser when it comes to entertainment, eating out, etc, but I'm also better at getting a good deal on purchases. He knows that I'm a bit better with money and budgeting, so I'm pretty much in charge of our finances even though he makes most of our money. We always discuss how we will spend our money and come to an agreement together. So far this is working for us. This is the second system we've tried since being married for a year. Before he was in charge of budgeting, bill paying, etc and we got into some trouble. Plus, I feel a lot better knowing exactly how much money we have and not having to ask him if we can afford this or that.

Since being engaged and married, I've really come to understand how marriage is more than just love and commitment, it's also a financial partnership.
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katze
post Aug 6 2006, 07:07 PM
Post #1498


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Posts: 31
From: Missouri


QUOTE(pixiedust @ Jul 31 2006, 05:28 PM) *

We've found that Mr. Pixie is good at making a budget and I am good at revising the budget when things have gone askew. He's good a short term money goals where as i am always weighing big purchases and stuff to see what the long range looks like. For example, we will be getting a windfall in September and our first inclination is to go buy some of the furniture we have been putting off. But I finally convinced him to pay off all his credit cards instead and then we can probably qualify for no interest financing on the furniture after a few months when paying off the cards has a chance to impact his credit score.


Yes, pay off the debt! You made the right decision. Congrats on convincing him. Being debt free will make you so much happier than new furniture will.
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CuriousKat
post Aug 2 2006, 12:00 AM
Post #1499


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Ive been dating this guy for a couple of weeks, and he has said to me that if it werent for my pace which is taking it slow and practicing abstinence, he would be all over me and take me right here and now. Now this man is making me very very hot and bothered, each time I think of him I get weak in the knees and my head spins. I have been pleasuring myself the past couple of nights because I want to get a feel as to where my sensitive spots are in and around my vagina. Does it sound like I am doing the right thing by learning about myself and my sensitive areas before I let him take me? I am very much looking forward to my first time but I am also very scared.

I am afraid to go on birth control because it could cause weight gain and I dont want that and I also dont want to get my mom concerned about my sex life. Also, I mean we most definitely use a condom but is it smart to start birth control pills way before the first time?

Any advice would be most appreciated!! Thanks a bunch in advance!! biggrin.gif
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pixiedust
post Jul 31 2006, 03:11 PM
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Tink's Red headed Step Sis
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We've found that Mr. Pixie is good at making a budget and I am good at revising the budget when things have gone askew. He's good a short term money goals where as i am always weighing big purchases and stuff to see what the long range looks like. For example, we will be getting a windfall in September and our first inclination is to go buy some of the furniture we have been putting off. But I finally convinced him to pay off all his credit cards instead and then we can probably qualify for no interest financing on the furniture after a few months when paying off the cards has a chance to impact his credit score.


--------------------
~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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