[kelkello]

Ginger, I know how you feel. Some weekends I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. It's not true, but when they are all busy, it is a very lonely time. You should have a *you* weekend. Finish your projects, read a juicy novel, take deliciously long naps. Give yourself a pedicure. I've just been through a breakup and am finally learning to enjoy my time alone again.

[ginger_kitty]

lunia, agreed. I love giving or getting house plants as gifts.

I am kind of bummed, I have absolutely no plans this weekend. And I am low on cash so I can't think of much to do. Maybe I have some old unfinished sewing projects or something I can dig up. This weekend it would be nice to know more folks.

[lunia666]

i_am_jam : Am not that crafty but I love to give people flowers are a nice house planet.

[lunia666]

i_am_jam : Am not that crafty but I love to give people flowers are a nice house planet.

[i_am_jan]

For me, it's so difficult to be myself around other women, in particular. I'm sure most of it is about my relationship with mom who's always been hyper-judgmental and has always paid too much attention to what I say and how I say it and how I act in order to pick on me. I always feel as though I have things to hide when I socialize with other gals and it SUCKS so bad...knowing that it's not about other women, it's me.

Anywho, my boyfriend's mom has recently come into my life. She lives out of town but visits here and always wants to take BF -AND- me out to dinner. And she CALLS me once in a while. (And believe me, I'm not a phone-talker either, although it is easi-ER than being in person.) Thing is, she's a really *genuinely nice* person, as is his dad. They are 'hippie'-type people (independently employed, have a completely unique sort of lifestyle/schedule, into alternative med., very simple, wholesome, cooks/bakes constantly, etc.) - AND they only have 2 sons, no daughters or daughters-in-law. My BF states that 'I have been good for her' and that 'she's really needed a female such as myself to talk to once in a while.'

At any rate, she's always doing nice things for me. (Shoot, she sent home a frackin' homemade BLUEBERRY PIE for me last time he went home for the weekend, mkay?)

Cut to me...I'm having a hard time dealing with the pressure that I feel in having this relationship/friendship to keep up. I've called her a couple of times, but have a *real* difficult time at it. Again, it seems like so much energy and as usual, just blows my mind for some reason. Lately, she's sent me cards & stuff but I haven't really called or anything so the anxiety is mounting.

What I'm getting at is, I'd like to do something nice for her but I don't know what. I'd just like her to know I appreciate her, even though I keep to myself most of the time. I'm not a knitter or anything like that unfortunately. I can cook when I need to. A small gesture, nothing she'd feel she had to reciprocate or anything. Maybe I should put this in the 'she's crafty' thread (?) Just something nice I could do for her...While remaining (ahem) noncommital. Anyone have any ideas at all, please feel free to throw them my way...

[lunia666]

late update

Thursday I found out BF and I got invite to an Art Gallery opening on Friday. Need less to say I was on pins and needles all Friday. Invite came from old friend of BF that he hadn't seen since High School. Anyway I really didn't want to go but BF was really looking forward to it and guess what it turned out to be a lot of fun. The girl was really nice ( one of those hyper boucney girls who can talk to anybody about anything) . It was only a few people and I can't say I made any friends but I did have a good time.
Saturday we headed to the drive in to see Grindhouse just the two of us. So all and all it was a good weekend
This weekend where having dinner with and old roomate and her husband one night and I have a b-day party to go to .
It's funny of me because since BF moved in I have been alot more active ( sorry for miss spelling etc..)

i-am-jam : I know what you mean about friendships in movies/tv . I would love to have a group of girls I was really close to . The closest thing I ever had to that was two girls I worked with but in the end we where to diff to be close friends.

[anna k]

I felt like I had embarassed the guy when I made a masturbation joke about him in public, so I apologized to him in private today. He said he didn't mind, that he was being sarcastic but appreciated my apology. I liked being funny but didn't want to make him look like an ass.

I agree with wanting solid female friendships. I'd love to have someone to chill with and have a group of like-minded invididuals to have parties and barbeques with and be like an extended family.

[i_am_jan]

The more I think about it, I can seriously see why I don't have many friends.....friendship is just to complicated, and I like things to be simple. I think I have just been deluded over the years my seeing friendships on tv, in the movies, and even in books, I always wanted that deep bond that they make seem so easy and natural. But I am not sure lifelong friends and all that are ever possible for people like myself.

g kitty: Yeah, me too. Relationships are difficult for me. They are energy consuming and being the hyper-sensitive person I am, I constantly get my feelings hurt and just end up with a lower self esteem somehow!! I feel better on my own.

I also have to agree that TV/movies make friendship seem so cool! And so easy! All the cool *banter* in the conversations, witty retorts, knowing exactly what to say just as soon as the other person is finished talking - yes, movies and TV make all this look better than it actually seems to be for some of us ; )

*****

pollystyrene (X-RAY SPEX is one of my top 5 fave bands of all time, BTW!!!! ; )~~) : If you scroll back far enough in this thread, people have discussed meetup.com and their experiences. From what I've read, it seems to be something you have to be into...you seem to meet a lot of people there who are in the same boat as you are so it looks like you may have to plan on being the one to reach out to anyone you meet who may seem interesting, but if you did, it looks like you may have a good friend with similar interests?...also, it looks to be something you may not find instant gratification with but may have to keep going and stick with it for a while to get results if you are serious about reaching out to new people. Good luck and let us know if you decide to do it. It sounds like something with a lot of potential to me if you have realistic expectations...and of course remember to be careful (not that you need to be told that ~

[ginger_kitty]

Thanks freckle. For a long time she really was a toxic friend, she was similiar to the friends you and polly discussed. Drugs, and other things were completely ruling her life and as much as I tried to help, I couldn't reach her, she was and for all I know still is just on a path of self destruction. And unless she is a totally different person, than the girl that flaked out on me 5 or 6 years ago, I just don't want anything to do with her. I am in a different place in my life now, 3 years ago or so, I probabbly would have rushed to her side, supporting her anyway I could, and secretly known she wouldn't return the favor. Over the last few years, I have cleansed my life of toxic people though, and I just won't let them be a part of my life. I have always/often come off as cold, but that's just my defense against being hurt, in truth I've always cared too much. But after severing ties with my last toxic friend, who was never really never much of a friend, I reached a point of clarity. And I realized I was happier than I have ever been.

I think I was just a little down, yesterday b/c I had been talking to old friends from high school, who seemed like they were attempting to push me or maybe guilt me towards reaching out to her. These are people I haven't really spoken to much in like 9 years, so they remember the old me, and the relationship my old best friend and I used to have. But they don't know the crap that went down between then and now. They just remember that from like 7th grade to senior year we were tight.

Sorry to derail the thread a bit but thanks for listening.

[pollystyrene]

I am faced with the possibility of my two best friends moving away right now. I've known both of them, and their significant others, since high school. One of them is planning on moving to Upper Peninsula Michigan (they found a house that's currently being run as a B&B that they love, but they haven't put a bid on it yet) and the other one's less definite- she and her husband moved back to the Chicago-area to be near friends and family while her husband finishes his dissertation. After he's done, he wants to be a college professor, and will have to move wherever he can find a job. This won't be for another year, and they're hoping to stay here, but there's a good chance they won't.

I've had 5 good girlfriends in my adult life (some of them since childhood, but most I met in high school) and they've shifted in and out- one turned into a psycho and cheated on her boyfriend and dumped him....she was a toxic person and I took the opportunity to dump her. Six months later, I started dating the boyfriend she dumped and we've been together ever since. One had too much drama in her life, doing things I felt were morally wrong, and we grew apart (sounds similar to your friend, freckle). One got hooked up with a guy who replaced his substance addiction with an addiction to religion and they joined a super-Evangelist cult (like, Dubya's too liberal for them- eek.), got married, had a kid. I tried to stay friends with her, partly to be her lifeline to the real world, but I haven't heard from her nearly 2 years and I have no idea where she is.

Anyway, it's not that I won't be friends with my two remaining girlfriends just because they move (*if* they move) but what am I going to do on the weekends now? The one who's moving to Michigan, we have a standing date with her and her husband every Friday night. We see my other friend and her husband a few times a month. We have other friends, but no one who we're as close to, and for one reason or another, no one we'd probably see as regularly as we've been seeing our current closest friends.

The thought of trying to find new people to hang out with is kinda scary. I'm 26 and I don't have any friends who I didn't either meet in high school or were friends of the people I met in high school. So basically, in 8 years, I've met no one new.

My sister suggested a site called meetup.com....I haven't looked at it yet- anyone used it?

[freckleface7]

ginger-
I don't think there's anything at all wrong w/ thinking/feeling the way you do.

that friend that found me from classmatesdotcom,, after she & I stopped hanging out, she got into all sort of wild and bad stuff it turns out (part of why we went seperate ways) and she had a really horrendously bad bad thing happen to her that I never knew about til recently. she didn't even graduate, she dropped out. again, I didn't know. she even said to me ' I always wondered how differently my life might have turned out if you & I had stayed close.' - what do you say to that after hearing the bits before that?
I'm sorry. just doesn't seem to cut it.

but the bottom line is, that's Her Fate. Her Choices. she's in a great place in her life now, I am SO Happy for her, bc I think she really appreciates how far she's come, but I couldn't change or save her back then. she was going to do what she chose to do regardless.
the same way you are Chosing not to let toxic people back into your life now.

one of the most liberating things I ever learned to do was to d x people like that.
Your Own Mental Health Comes first sweetie.

..this is so weird.. I just realised that I was dreaming a minute ago ( I am sick & waking at odd hours to cough, it's 4Am here right now) about a terrible girl who had Tormented me in elementary school.
her family had money. she turned all the other girls against me and I was picked on endlessly.
later one year she got cancer. had a wig and all of that. of course it just elevated her Queen status that much further and now as a Parent I see the situaiton much Much differently (what must they have gone through?) but the girl, she was just SO Cruel.
I remember trying to feel bad about it, knowing I SHOULD feel bad bc SHE HAS CANCER but I coudln't.
I didn't feel glad or happy or anything, just sort of numb about it..I think on some level that was the beginning of my understanding of fate or kharma or the balancing of uiversal energies or the like.
and as far as I know, the expereince didn't alter her one bit; she went on to be every bit as mean and nasty as she had ever been before that.

you can only walk the path your feet are touching ginger, don't be so hard on yourself.

= end fever-induced ramble=


anna-
You ROCK!!
the cool kinds indeed!
spank-bank is one I'd never heard before- made me squee w/ giggles!

[ginger_kitty]

I had a super long weekend and didn't do crap. I avoided family, and didn't answer my phone. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to people in my life. It's wierd b/c an old friend from school, caught up with me on myspace, and while I was happy to hear from her, I wasn't sure that I really want to talk to her. When she sends me messages she writes, love you....and it seems uncomfortable, I think to myself 'really, it's been so long'. High school seems like a lifetime ago, and I a completely different girl than I was back then. She was telling me that my old best friend has cancer and is going through chemo, and I know most peole would probably try to get in touch with thier old friend if they were going through an illness....but our friendship was pretty screwed up for years and we lost contact maybe 6 years ago.....she sounds like the same person she used to be.... and honestly I just can't invest myself in a relationship where I don't get anything back from the person.

The more I think about it, I can seriously see why I don't have many friends.....friendship is just to complicated, and I like things to be simple. I think I have just been deluded over the years my seeing friendships on tv, in the movies, and even in books, I always wanted that deep bond that they make seem so easy and natural. But I am not sure lifelong friends and all that are ever possible for people like myself.

Sorry for the rant.

[i_am_jan]

Anna k:

Wow, look at you...kickin' it with the cool kids, tee hee (nudge nudge)

[anna k]

Work was good yesterday. My co-worker teased me, but it was in good fun. He said he thought I was very odd, but not in a mean way. He also teased me for having an insane amount of music/movie knowledge. I made fun of him when the workers were running down names of famous actresses to invite to a party in Cali, and he would say whether they were hot or not. I said he sounded like he was picking names for his spank bank, and he was surprised and said "You're an intern! I could have you fired!" To which my boss replied, "Don't even listen to him."

[i_am_jan]

Crazy ol cat: I know what you mean. I stress about that too - knowing that I'm not nearly as "animated" as most others during conversations, esp. 1-on-1's.

Have you tried accepting the silence? Listening to it - and choosing to enjoy it?

It seems like there's so much noise in the world that it's become difficult to recognize a space of silence as the *peace* that it truly is. But sometimes if I do that in the presence of other people, they actually "get" it. Maybe just give them a look/smile in between the words to show I'm still there but don't feel the need to fill every little space with unnecessary words.

I've found this to be difficult - as all things social seem to be for me - but it's better than the anxiety of feeling like 'oh my gosh what do I say now' when I really don't mind the silence when I think about it. It's so difficult to relax sometimes, but when it works, it works.

Just trying to suggest something different when nothing else seems to work...

[crazyoldcatlady]

so i've realized that i'm the most relaxed, the most "myself" amongst strangers or acquaintances when i'm in a group. if i'm out with a friend, and a group of his/her friends, i really don't mind; i can interject, add or not add to the convo without being conspicuous.

it's when i'm one-on-one with someone i don't know very well that it feels weird, like there's an impending awkward silence around every corner....

side note

[i_am_jan]

freckle: I'm glad my "advice" was helpful. That was just stuff I use to try & calm my own anxiety when I feel there's an expection for me to be the social butterfly that I'm not. I try to remember that quiet/shy *is* me and if others really want to get to know me, that is what they'll find. Being yourself is the most important thing and if you're doing that, there's integrity in that. So be quietly confident! Also I try to breathe deep, remember that I *like* quiet even if others don't, and feel the anxiety leave my body with the next exhale.

(It's never *easy* though. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much better if I'd just hook up with some prescription drugs! But I don't want to do that so I try to mindf*@! myself instead

Good luck and peace out everybody ; )

[ginger_kitty]

You know I never really thought about that, but you're totally right, freckle. I always think of the flip side, how easy it is talk to people on the internet vs. IRL. But that probably does contribute to social awkwardness, in regards to just trying to strike up a conversation or what not with strangers who could be potential friend.

Welcome Jill

[freckleface7]

welcome jill

I think that in this day and age of so much "cyber and cell stuff" (not to blame, just an idea) w/ myspace and all the blogs and all, people have or are forgetting how to be real and actual face to face friends.
you can go online, throw up a blog site, and w/in hours if not minutes, have any # of "friends" registered w/ you.

it's like we've forgotten how to be more than virtual anymore and it makes meeting New people that much harder in real life. we'll trust strangers bc we've read their profiles or their blogs, but the friendly woman at the grocery store wearing a shirt w/ an inane band you love and a cart full of all your favorite foods you stop and then roll on by.

anyway, you're in good company in the socially inept thread, so make yourself at home.

[jill]

Hello all!

I'm new to the forum, but not to BUST. I just posted in the newbies forum.

I too have a social issue that I can't quite pin-point. I like to be around people, but have a hard time making 'friends'. Latley I have been putting the blame on my age (28). Many of my friends have gotten married or moved and It seems hard to meet other girls my age to hang out with.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.