[thepointybird]

Hey all, I'm new in this thread but thought I'd come in for a bit of tea & sympathy! I just broke up with my boy on Tuesday night. It was my decision to end it, we've been together almost 2 years but I just wasn't really feeling it, y'know? It sucks because he's an absolutely amazing guy and I feel incredibly guilty about hurting him, and I know he really does love me. But I guess it's fairer in the long run to let him go and find someone who can give him what he really deserves. The guilt is absolutely killing me, even though he's being pretty good about it all. He's staying with me at the moment too as he's between houses, and I feel so bad leaving him to sleep on the sofa every night. I can't help feeling like the world's biggest bitch, even though I know I'm ultimately doing the right thing. Sigh, why can't these things just be easy??

[stargazer]

yay for go_kayte! it sounds like you have great friends to comfort you. you have a great plan for the weekend. movies? wow. what are you going for? do you want to cry? laugh?

[go_kayte]

Oh my god the perfect thing:

My friend who also recently broke up with her boyfriend and I are going to rent ridiculous movies and have pizza and mixed drinks.

and cupcakes. And pajamas. What could be more great for a post-breakup friday night? Any ideas for the perfect movies to watch?

[go_kayte]

girltrouble, he's been being very civil. He's a smart dude, i wouldn't have been with him for this long if he was the guy who would do that. I know it's good advice in general, and I was a little worried about it at first, but now everybody's calmed down and looked at the relationship carefully and I think he can move on with dignity.

It is scary though to just surrender your apartment to your ex.

Today I actually was able to concentrate at school, go me!

[dj-bizmonkey]

re-investing in your body and mind afresh seems like a fantastic way to recover. i think i'm going to take the money i would have spent on a plane ticket to see the bf one last time (which was my idea, but he thought it would be too painful and he'd just try to win me back) to say goodbye and spend it on three weeks with a personal trainer here to whip my butt back into shape.

i feeling stronger today than i was this weekend. but it's going to be a good long while before i feel 'normal.' i miss the little, everyday things about him and our relationship. i'll see something or hear something on the radio that reminds me of him, but i can't reach out at the moment anymore. i'm going to try and think of him being in some developing country where he has no phone, no access to the interweb and that i couldn't contact him even if i tried.

[girltrouble]

kayte-- do me one favor-- i don't know your guy, but call your landlord and tell him the situation. i've known too many crazy boyfriends who would trash a place just to get back at the girl.

just make sure your ass is covered, k?

[go_kayte]

i think right now it is most important to focus on the day to day stuff and not worry about what is going to happen in the future. i will figure it out when i get there. worrying never did anyone much good anyhow.

This is exactly what my friends have been telling me. Just do each thing at a time and deal with problems as they arise. I know I have my shit together, overall, and that's what will make me come out of this ok.

One thing that has really helped is doing yoga classes. I started going to a class for bikram which i've never done before and it's really hard. It fills the time and forces me to concentrate on something else, and it calms me down so much and gives a sense of accomplishment. This has seriously been the best thing I've done for myself in the past week (also - pizza and red wine). Taking care of myself, spoiling myself a little, and trying to be patient.

[dj-bizmonkey]

i'm feeling the exact same way kayte! i was literally in the middle of typing a post and i got distracted, when i came back you had already posted.

my situation isn't the same at all, but i'm experiencing very similar feelings. i just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and half. it tore me up inside to do it, but something just didn't feel right. i couldn't put it into words or put my finger on it, which made everything that much more difficult. my intuition was just questioning, doubting, and i felt i had to listen to my heart and do what was best for me. i agonized over the decision for almost two months. i kept wanting to just 'wait and see' if things would get better between us. we started out long distance, then lived together this summer, then he just went back to school in the great white north. i think that if we had been in the same city, maybe things could have been different. i was ultimately afraid that i would just carry on for the rest of the school year, he would move down where i live and then that feeling would eat away at me. then i would break up with him after a month and then he would have uprooted his life for me only to get shafted. i didn't want to take that chance, i didn't want to hurt him like that. he took it well, in the sense that he was a devastated, but didn't call me a bitch or tell me that he hated me. hearing all the sad things he said put my heart through the ringer. i still love him, i can't help that, but i don't think i'm in love with him now, and i can't help that either.

i feel like shit warmed over. i've been trying to keep myself occupied with a lot of activities, but he is always at the back of my mind. of course i have those feelings of, 'did i just make the biggest mistake of my life?' and doubt, and self-loathing, guilt over hurting him, the whole she-bang. but i know that things will get better. if i did make a mistake, then i will figure that out in the future and take it from there. if it turns out to be the right thing ultimately, that i will discover with time as well.

i think right now it is most important to focus on the day to day stuff and not worry about what is going to happen in the future. i will figure it out when i get there. worrying never did anyone much good anyhow.

anyhow, i'm with you kayte, on all of those feelings. it sucks that you have all this loaded, operational stuff that you have to deal with, like finding a new apartment, getting him out of the old one, etc. my only advice would be what i keep telling myself. if you go running back into the relationship now, it will cause more damage that you ever would have just breaking up with him in the first place. the smoke will clear, your head will clear, and if you can't get him out of the apartment as fast as you'd like, maybe the two of you have a couple mutual friends that might be able to mediate a little.

good luck, stay strong.

[go_kayte]

Alright .. So!

I'm not going to go into the details (who knows who could be lurking in the shadows!) but I ended an 8 year relationship last week. Lived together 5 years. It had to end. It was the right thing to do.

When i broke it off i asked him to leave since i pay the rent and bills at our place; however he said he couldn't find anywhere to go and could i leave instead. Fine. My amazing friends took me in and I've been staying here for a week. He says he needs "at least 2 weeks" to get out of the apartment. He could not just keep the apartment - there's no way he could afford it, and he'd drag my credit through the mud. I want out of that apartment anyway, it is "our" apartment, not mine, and it's too painful to be there without him.

So I'm just waiting him out. My friends say i can stay in their guest room as long as it takes, and that's awesome, but I need to get on things. Until he leaves I can't clean the place up, take pictures, run an ad and get it sublet. And if I can't get it sublet I can't move to another place.

So that's what I'm going through now. Over the past 5 days I've *gone on long crying jags *felt like it was a mistake and had to get him back *felt like nobody would ever find me attractive *felt like i couldn't fall in love with anyone else *felt guilt about being the one who broke it off *felt anger that he just won't get out of the apartment

That's what's going on and it's really hard and I feel so unstable right now. Like I am wobbling on the edge of a cliff. I know it'll get better, but it totally sucks right now.

[i see eleven]

Thank you so much for you're encouraging and supportive words.

i have an update that i'm really excited about...in a weird way. after a huge argument i had with my husband on wed/thurs of last week and just a phone call away (it seemed) to getting a divorce, my husband called and made an appointment with a councilor for friday. we went and i found out that i'm a "codependant." i had heard of the term and thought i had some tendencies but didn't quite understand it and let the subject go. but when she mentioned it, for some reason it hit me that i need to learn more and she recommended a book to read if i was interested in getting to feel better etc.... anyway i get it from the library and i'm thirilled! i'm excited to say that i'm probably 99.9% codependant! i feel like i finally know what my disease is, my addiction is so i can get the help i need. now i can get the proper treatment to be healthy and balanced. i'm not even half way thru the book and already feel a shift in my life. i feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me. that i can someday make healthy choices for me and my family. and that i'm glad in a way that i haven't left yet so i can learn now how to be a healthy person, mentally and emotionally and spiritually instead of leaving this relationship only to get in to another bad one in order to learn the lessons i need. it's so hard for me to really discribe how i feel and i'm learning that it's a very complicated issue/subject..codependancy is.
the book i'm refereing to is "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie. this is probably a co-d tendancy but i hope that this book can help others since more people are codependant than not i've learned. it's definately worth checking into. but i'm thrilled that i finally know why i am the way i am....and now i'm learning a better way to be the person i want to be. cuz i'm not a happy... with myself, my situation, my attitude, my choices and on and on... no it feels like there's help out there for me and people like me. finally i have something geared toward me and my healing than seeing all this "help" for my husband and his problems.
any way, i think i'm rambling now, i don't know if any of this has made sense but i appreciate this opportunity to just write and vent and get my feelings out. even if they don't make sense to anyone.

[dutchesss]

((((I_see_eleven))))
No one can tell you what to do, you know what is best for you. If you have children many things change and I guess you think about it twice before you decide to leave your spouse. I broke up with my boyfriend about 6 weeks ago and we have a son together (21 months old). My son is taking the seperation really well and I even believe he's doing better now than before when my ex was still living with us.

I believe that children have a strong intuition and even when we adults think that "they don't know what's going on", they actually do without us having to tell them. I decided that it wasn't good to have my son grow up in a house with a lot of tension (and resentment). I also thought that my ex was not a good example for my son - for several reasons - and that it would be better to break up. Now we do have the whole "dad coming to visit him" stuff which is not great because of how my ex some times acts, but it is far better than living together and pretending everything is fine when it's actually not.

We grew apart in the last year (or 1,5), so it took quite some time before we actually noticed and decided to seperate. Sometimes things happen so gradually that you don't even notice...
I am content being a single mom and I feel so much better now, as if a weight has been lifted. I now see life again full of possibilities and enjoy seeing my son grow up in a peaceful home with no stress. Being a single mom it helps to have a support system: grand ma and other relatives or close friends who can help you out and are there for you when you need them. I think this helps a great deal because everything comes down to you when you are a single parent. I actually enjoy being a single parent, I can make my own decisions (also in regard to parenting) and have total freedom. I guess I am not afraid of responsibility and don't mind making decisions on my own. And I can say that when we still were together I was doing everything anyway and now I just have 1 kid to take care of instead of 2!

I understand that you want to do what is best for your son, I can really identify with that. And it is sometimes difficult in deciding what is best for him. When my parents seperated, when I was 4, I was actually happy because it finally became peaceful at home with no arguments and no tension. How the situation becomes after the seperation really depends on both parents.

Staying with your spouse is an option, but do you really want to sacrifice your own happiness for this? This could also mean ruling out a rewarding relationship with a man you love because you probably won't meet him when you stay with your current husband. Don't worry too much, you will know what to do when the time comes. Just listen to your own inner feelings and you will be fine. Just try to arrange your life so that your son has a happy and positive mom who enjoys life!

((((starship))))
Ohw, I can't stand the lying... it makes me want to smack him! It makes me so angry. I guess he still lies to you because he hopes you will buy it and get back with him. Continu to lie just shows that he has no respect for you and takes you for a fool. Same with my ex... every second word is a lie or censored version of the truth so I am now at a point where I simply don't care what he says anymore. If we wouldn't have a son I definitely wouldn't have any contact. I don't know whether he is in a relationship, what is going on in his life or anything and I had to accept that I won't, even though it could influence my son. That is something I still have a hard time with.

I am not sure why it makes you feel crappy when he contacts you.. maybe you are still hurt because you feel betrayed..? Just think that there are many men out there who will treat you better. Not all guys are assholes (I continu to believe haha). I hope you feel better soon!!

[starship]

((((I_see_eleven))))
I don't feel in a position to tell you what you could do as I haven't been married or had children yet myself. I've experienced divorce from the other side though and can tell you that any decision which you take, your son will be just fine. Children don't like the change at first but they are amazingly quick to adjust so long as they are made to feel secure. My mother was 200miles from home and had nothing of her own /no money so we ended up virtually homeless and living on people's floors for 2years when she finally took the step to leave my father. Even so it felt better than walking home from school every night worrying about what the atmosphere would be like when I got home today. My mother was happier so I felt better too. You sound deeply unhappy and I'd say that would be far worse for you son than having two separate but happy parents. Be strong and do what you think is right deep down. if you don't the negative feelings and resentment will only get worse. It's hard at first but things will work out for you and get better if you decided to leave.
good luck whatever you decide to do:)

I've had a crappy day and spent half of it crying. When I got home there were emails from my ex. followed by texts, messages etc. All basically apologising, asking how I am, saying he misses me etc etc. It's made me feel really weird and completely depressed but I can't quite put my finger on why. Oh and the best one 'I had lying isues.I know it doesnt justify how I treated you but I never cheated on you'. YES YOU FUCKING DID. why he still bothers to lie is beyond me. I'm not replying. I still want him out of my life.
"It's shit without you"- damn right it is you fool.

[i see eleven]

I too have a story that's very similar. i'm still married to a guy who told me that he betrayed me by feeling up a co-worker the same day he did it. he told me 4 months after our son was born. i should have left him that day. i have many reasons why i didn't but i still find my self wishing i would have divorced him. we moved away from that city where it happened to the city where my family was/where i grew up. i almost divorced him for the second time about 10 months ago after we had separated for 3 months but i think i would rather live with him and endure till my son is of age/18 so i don't have to deal with all that comes with ex's and step parents, visitations, and the many other things to deal with that arent pretty. i'd rather put on a happy face for my son so he can live with both his parents who do love him. and i'm not ready to live as a single mother. am i just scared and have a lack of faith that God will take care of me? probably.
i realize that i'm lucky that atleast he told me instead of lying to me about it and i didn't have to find out. however i did have the women intuition that you all had that something was going on before it happened. i started fallilng out of love with him a bout a year after we were married. (he cheated on me a month before our 2nd anniversary)
after this all hit the fan in october of 06 it slowly came out of the wood work that my husband has been addicted to pornography since he was in grade school. and apparently he didn't realize he really had a problem. so when this situation presented itself at work he took the opportunity to see how other boobies felt. i should have known better than to marry him. he had a past that for the most part i was aware of but i thought it was all taken care of and in the past.
the day he proposed to me i tried to talk him out of it but he really wanted to marry me i guess. deep inside my self was a voice that was screaming "SAY NO, SAY NO" i really wanted to but it was in a public place and i couldn't and i never did after it cuz i didn't want to break his heart. that's where i hate myself. for not listening to me, for not being true to me. for not caring enough about what my heart wants. so by not breaking his heart i really broke my own heart. and in so doing, i'm probably going to break my little boys heart. i feel like i'm in a total night mare. how could my life have come to this. let me wake up and start all over.

...starship, so we have this in common too! (sorry but grateful)

[starship]

wow, your story sounds almost parallel to mine. as do the lessons you have learnt ("talk is cheap"-couldnt have said it better myself!)
It was just over a month ago for me too so obviously the feelings are still raw. but deep down I know I've made the right choice and will be better off in the long run which makes it a hell of a lot easier. I would of liked to have been friends with him- after all those years we knew each other pretty well. But theres no way I could ever justify choosing to have a friend like that in my life. if he screwed me over that much when we were in a 'relationship' and he loved me, then god knows what he'd do if I were merely a friend. it isnt hard to see who lost out in the end:)
Im still angry too. that someone i trusted and loved so much could do that. about the way it happened. about specific incidents. and angry at myself for being so stoopid and getting him so wrong. I'm pretty sure all that will go with time. I wallowed about for 2days straight (cant eat cant sleep kinda thing) before literally forcing myself to get out and get on with things. Ive been doing that ever since and it seems to be working
Roll on singledom...

[dutchesss]

Sometimes I also have the feeling of kicking myself for believing the lies and ignoring my own feeling. But I realize that I needed this experience to teach me some things. No pain no gain I guess.

I'm glad you feel better being on your own, starship. That is the most important thing and shows you that this is the right decision. Choosing not to have any contact with him is probably the best thing to do. I also can't "be friends" with my ex, since he can't be trusted and every word that comes out of his mouth could be a lie. In my previous post I didn't even mention he is already sleeping with his collegue and I know for a fact he has been during the last week of our relationship. I had a weird feeling, things were getting more and more messed up and I asked him (multiple times) whether there was somebody else and he - of course - denied it. Afterwards when I had evidence and confronted him, he even tried denying it. That just blew my mind and I couldn't believe that he was such an *you know what*. This made me realize I couldn't even have a friendship with this man because he is just so dishonest and has no respect for me. How can you have a friendship with someone whom you cannot trust one bit and who only tells you things to create a certain picture and present what he wants you to see?

Aftwards he told me had didn't have a relationship with her but it was "just for sex". ha ha
Are you kidding me, is that supposed to make me feel better??? This is just too cheap for my taste and I can't believe I actually shared my life with such a sleeze bag. The big lesson I have learned from all of this that I am going to pay attention to WHAT A PERSON DOES and not to what a person says. Talk is cheap.

Because all of this just happened a month ago I still think about it a lot and just take it a day at a time. I do feel better without him but am at times still very angry. I realize I have to let go of the anger but am not sure how to get rid of this.

[starship]

((dutchess))
Im feeling better now too. Being away from him I can finally gather my thoughts and see things with a clear mind. and youre right, its all so much easier to see with hindsight. I feel like kicking myself for being so stupid but there's no point dwelling on the past. At least I learnt plenty from it. I hope things go ok for you. It must be a lot more complicated with a child involved so it's good to hear youre so positive:)
He left me a message yesterday saying how sorry he was and he loved me and I deserve to be happy etc. Too little too late. And I do deserve to be happy, which is exactly why I wont be replying to his message- not now or ever. I can't even salvage a friendship from the mess he created. That's a shame really, but I'm not to blame.
I feel inwardly devastated about how the relationship ended but on the whole feel so much better now I'm out on my own

[dutchesss]

I went through something similar, starship. Just ended a 5 year relationship with a guy who totally manipulated me and telling me all kinds of lies along the way. Of course, that is what you see when it's all over and done with: in retrospect. The way the relationship ended was especially mind blowing for me. He kept on telling me he was in love with me and was crazy about me but somehow couldn't be with me anymore because I gave him the feeling he never could do anything right. Jee... maybe because you are staying out till 10 in the morning with no explanation where you were after all the clubs and bars closed?! Even now I am not quite sure what happened to us and why our relationship didn't work out in the end. I guess it was slowly breaking down during the last year. He couldn't take family life (we have a son who is almost 2) and that was getting more clear to me. I just had other expectations of him and he probably of me as well.

He also damaged the trust I have in people, but I know now that the inner feeling I had of something not being quite right was spot on. I realize now that I must trust my own feeling and not be such an optimist, thinking that he's great and my feeling is just misplaced paranoia or fear.

I am glad the relationship is over and that I don't have to deal with all the lies and bs anymore. I have my peace now and can concentrate on myself and my gorgeous son.

[starship]

I've met this new guy. It's only been a few weeks so I'm not really over the train crash that was my last relationship. I'm over him, just not over the relationship (it was almost 3years) or how he treated me. I don't want another 'proper' relationship right now but I get along well with this guy and want to enjoy myself and get my confidence back.
The trouble is that my ex has made me paranoid and I find myself questioning everything the new guy says- wondering if he's lying to me and thinking he has alterior motives. My ex manipulated me by lying about some pretty terrible things (e.g his mother had a brain tumour, was going through chemotherapy with only months to live) and it's completely fucked up my trust in people.
I barely even know the new guy and it's nowhere close to serious (no feelings invoved etc) so why am I having these thoughts. I'm angry that despite being out of my life my bastard ex is still having such a negative impact on it. Is it too soon to be dating or will it do me good in the long run? It was my first proper relationship and so the first time Ive had to deal with one ending.
I want to be back to normal and back to my old, happier self. It feels like he's still controlling me. I don't usually condone violence but I'd actually kill the vile pig if I saw him again. Ok not kill, but at least rough him up a little.
I'm angry at myself for letting something with a penis fuck me up like this. argh

[persimmon_grrrl]

hullo, all!

so, this thread appealed to me because of its likeness to a cow mooing.

but seriously - why do i keep thinking about n?

recently, n wrote me several e-mails. in one of them, n expressed n's love and missing of me. we broke off on the cusp of december into january. i wrote back to n with a kind note (a "how would i want to be treated/responded to if i wrote to xyz person with said feelings expressed?"), stating that i didn't keep in touch with past lovers, and that i wasn't the best person to talk with about n's feelings.

i keep wanting to write to n, but also feel utterly disgusted by/ ambivalent about / unsure of my past experiences with, and feelings evoked by, n. i don't think i ever really felt comfortable around n. i'm trying to remember how my body felt around n.

it's been a long time since somebody's told me they love me. i appreciate that n wrote that n is in love with me, but that confuses me. what does n love about me? how does n define love?

i was only really with n for maybe a month if that.

okay, going to sleep now.

nite, busties!

[geekchickknits]

geekchick you pop up all over the show with great advice:)

aw shucks, thanks!

I was there myself not too long ago. You'll get through. One day something just clicked inside me, and it was like "Huh. I'm not angry anymore. Well alright!"