[stargazer]

(((ggg))) good for you to find a good psychiatrist to work with. i'm sorry about your experience with your GP. i have major issues with GPs prescribing meds too.

(((mando))) it doesn't make sense to lecture to someone for baring all. that sucks. if you can, i would go see a psychiatrist.

klonopin makes me feel relaxed. i only take 1/2 a tab when needed. i even forgot i have it really.

[girlygirlgag]

klonopin knocks my butt out!

My prescription for Xanex is only 25mg, which I take half, which I find keeps me relaxed, by not sleepy. If I take more, it tends to knock me out.

How is the wellbutrin for you? It made me spastic, plus, *thanks to my awesome GP* I had a seizure, becuase I had no appetite. I did nothing but smoke ciggarrettes and drink diet coke. I have a history of eating disorders, which you are not supposed to take well butrin, if you do.

The effexor just made me feel *normal*. Not high strung and crabby all of the time.
The only thing that sucks about it is when I miss a pill, it makes me feel really sick and dizzy.

[mandolyn]

(((ggg)))
(((stargazer)))

i guess i did things assbackwards. i went to my GP first - a new one, because the new GP i tried in september was a horrid cold witch - because i wanted to rule out any physical ailments. she was thorough and kind and wants to help me. i asked for the wellbutrin and xanax (she gave me ativan, said it was longer-acting) to tide me over, til i could find a therapist. on a whim, i called a therapist i had spoken with once before, and even tho she's 'only' a social worker, she and i clicked over the phone, which made it ALOT easier to actually get myself into her office. i thought she'd talk to my GP about medication, turns out she refers out to her psychopharmacologist (who isn't a psychiatrist, i asked, but is an MD) ... so that's where i am now.

everything you are all sharing is being processed and mulled over and appreciated more than you know. you are all being so kind and helpful and understanding and generous, it's making me weepy. last time i tried baring all in here, it was all about the condescending lectures, which made tuck tail and run.

does klonopin make you sleepy, like xanax?

[girlygirlgag]

Mando, I think you need to find a psychiatrist. They are better at pinpointing what kind of medication you need, and if you told a psychiatrist about the dread of the parkway, they would prescribe you Xanex immediately.

I have a problem with GP's prescribing meds. I went to my GP when everything was in a downward spiral and was put on something VERY WRONG, that made me slice up my wrist. The psychiatrist pinpointed what I needed, ( I have generalized anxiety, panic disorder and agoraphobia, with depression as a result of the aforementioned, not depression) and put me on effexor. I have been on it ever since. When I told her I was still having p.a.'s she immediately put me back on Xanex.

I only take them when I need them, which is less and less. But, the parkway driving, makes me feel like if I had to do it, I would need a Xanex!

[stargazer]

((mando)) you might need to take an antianxiety medication to help was your panic. there are longer acting antianxiety meds. wellbutrin is good for depression. xanax is suppose to help ease the intense panic you have. i was given klonopin when needed. i took 1/2 a tab every day for the first 2-3 weeks of my onset of symptoms until the lexapro kicked in for me. i haven't had to use it lately.

i have internship interviews coming in january. i got a little nervous, but know i will be fine. plus, i have my meds if i need it.

mild, moderate, debilitating...i've known many people who have suffered from depression and anxiety. many people in helping professions too...like me. so, it affects everyone. but, it is a helpful reminder to me that these people got through it eventually with the help of meds, therapy, and/or support.

i have backed out of making any obligations right now. my family and friends have been supportive. they are giving me the emotional space i need to take care of myself without taking it personal. it has been hard to not see some people during the holiday season, but i figure it is only 1 year and i have many more holidays after this year.

what's this psychopharmacologist i keep hearing about? how are they different from a psychiatrist? just curious.

[mandolyn]

welcome, ChingusKhan ... and thank you for sharing. i'm glad you're doing so well now.

and you too, ggg.

catlady, i like the "shaking your spots" analogy. good one.

maddy, i'm the laziest person on the planet. hence my procrastination to do this until it got sort of serious. i've always taken the easy route. that's one of my "spots" i hope to "shake".

it's funny, i didn't think i have a debilitating panic disorder. i don't get short of breath or have chest pains, etc. i just get a little lightheaded. like i'm going to faint. like reality is about to go away for a second, but then it comes back.

except just now i told my lil cousin i might come up to visit her next week, when i'm off from work. and after i hung up, i realized, shit, that's 45 minutes. on the wind-y scary parkway. there's NO WAY i'm going to be able to drive that. just the thought. *shudder* so the fact that i'm probably going to wimp out and come up with a lame excuse to not visit my poor cousin who's laid up, very pregnant and could definitely use some TLC, well, that IS debilitating, isn't it? which makes me feel like i suck. which feeds the cycle. gah.

how does one get a large prescription for xanax? all GP's seem reluctant to prescribe. i have a prescription for .25 mg ativan, but i'm only taking half as needed. but the doc is only giving me 10 at a time. i just asked her for 30, though. but i feel like a drug addict, asking.

which may be moot, anyway. my therapist is going to refer me to a pyschopharmacologist, and if i'm covered, i'll do it. it seems to make sense, to have someone who knows the drugs better than a GP or a social worker, and will be monitoring me closely.

today's day two on the higher dose of wellbutrin, by the way. it's making me a little speedy. ick.

(((group hug)))

[ChingusKhan]

I've lingered and read posts in this section for a couple months and wanted to add some thouhts: First, though, I am a 45 year-old man so my experiences are likely very different than those of most of you.
That being said, I have battled depression most of my life. My first real bout was probably 25 years ago, while at university. (A combination of poorly chosen major and a poorly chosen girlfriend!) I have had minor bouts ever since. This past year, though, I had a near complete breakdown that almost hospitilized me. I finally went and got help. Found a good therapist and talked to my doc about meds. The net result is now, 12 months after being worried that I'd never function again, I am feeling better than I have in many, many years.
Some thoughts about my journey: Meds, for me, really helped. They didn't change my mood, though: All they do is allow me to kind of seperate my moods from my thoughts. By going on the meds and getting myself stabilized, I was able to really work at my therapy. (Meds are 20mg of Celaxa per day.)
I think the therapy is key but you have to work at it. It was really tough, though. I had to be really, really honest with myself and really look at the things I was doing that were sabotaging me. I read a post about someone worrying that they couldn't "change their spots": I don't know if you can change them but I do believe that, with comittment, you can move them around.
I still get "down" and sometimes those lows are much lower than they should be. I know, though, that it's not "me", it's just this disease and I now have the tools to move through those lows.
My heart is truly with those that suffer from this disease. It is such lonely, lonely place when you are in jaws of the "black dog". If you've never suffered, you can never know. I wish you all peace, happiness and the strength to carry on with your own personal battles.

[girlygirlgag]

mandolyn-getting on meds was the biggest gift i ever gave myself. i was SO against meds for years. i was suicidal and miserable and having daily panic attacks, etc, and i refused to go on meds. i finally realized that i just had nothing left-no reserves, nothing to "dig deep" and use, just nothing left. to me, meds was like a last desparate attempt. and GOD it was amazing! especially the xanax. the first time i took one, i fell asleep and had the best rest i'd had in years. it allowed me to get out of the house without having panic attacks, to actually have a social life! imagine! because i didn't have to worry about freaking out in a crowded place or wherever. so yes, give yourself a LOT of credit to be getting meds AND therapy-very awesome

it is weird, like annelise said about her boyfriend-it's like sometimes i'm just me, and i feel ok, but then it's like this totally different person takes over, someone who is totally afraid, pessimistic, etc, and i just can't shake it. when i'm in that state, i think my "normal" self is SO LAME and SO STUPID for even bothering to try so hard. it's weird to bounce between these very opposite states/personalities.
.

Hey Sister!

I did not seek help until three years ago and it has been amazing. I have debilitating panic disorder. I know how it feels to not be able to drive anywhere because you are freaking out, etc.

Just wanted to stop in and say, I know what you are going through. I went through a little bit of the, 'tyring to find the right pill" cycle, which was traumatic, but once I found the right one, it was all worth it.

I still may have a panic attack, here and there, but now I know what it is, and I always have Xanex!

[crazyoldcatlady]

the funny thing about the friend who made the "snap out of it" comment is that she has *no* idea that i'd ever been there. she was talking about her depressed grandmother (!), and i'm thinking, "if only you knew 24 hours prior i was seriously debating getting an SSRI."

mando- it is hard to wrap your mind around "shaking your spots". i suppose the trick is just working with what you got. Whatever way that might be. Scientology, anyone?

maddy- you always hit the nail on the head and articulate what i can't.
i feel you regarding the statement "when i'm in that state, i think my "normal" self is SO LAME and SO STUPID for even bothering to try so hard. it's weird to bounce between these very opposite states/personalities."

when i get this way, everything becomes "what's the point [of anything, really]." hell, even when i'm even-keeled, i often wonder this.

i'm also often debating whether i need to be coddled or kicked in the ass.

[maddy29]

wow, i'm so glad you all are here. i mean ya know, not glad you are depressed...but it helps a lot for me to read that you know what i[m experiencing. i "know" all that stuff, but i'm at this point where i feel like, ok, i'm supposed to be better, so i can't keep cutting myself all this slack!

mandolyn-getting on meds was the biggest gift i ever gave myself. i was SO against meds for years. i was suicidal and miserable and having daily panic attacks, etc, and i refused to go on meds. i finally realized that i just had nothing left-no reserves, nothing to "dig deep" and use, just nothing left. to me, meds was like a last desparate attempt. and GOD it was amazing! especially the xanax. the first time i took one, i fell asleep and had the best rest i'd had in years. it allowed me to get out of the house without having panic attacks, to actually have a social life! imagine! because i didn't have to worry about freaking out in a crowded place or wherever. so yes, give yourself a LOT of credit to be getting meds AND therapy-very awesome

it is weird, like annelise said about her boyfriend-it's like sometimes i'm just me, and i feel ok, but then it's like this totally different person takes over, someone who is totally afraid, pessimistic, etc, and i just can't shake it. when i'm in that state, i think my "normal" self is SO LAME and SO STUPID for even bothering to try so hard. it's weird to bounce between these very opposite states/personalities.

i guess i just DO feel like i'm lazy. i mean, i AM. i don't like working hard, i'm a slacker pothead, i'd rather lay around in bed watching tv or reading a book then going out and doing something. my boyfriend keeps me active, which is great, but it's always a struggle. and i feel like if i had more discipline then i would do all the things that are good for me-like quit pot, workout most days, etc etc.

i know that beign hard on myself doesnt' help though, it's true. but i feel like i've been really easy on myself in a lot of ways over the past few years, and now i need to start holding myself to a higher standard. ok, i'm picturing my old therapist laughing while i write this. she would laugh and say maddy, when were you EVER easy on yourself? huh.

[annelise]

i have physical illness issues as well as depression, and i remember someone saying once that when she felt horrible about herself being so sick, she learned to see herself as a baby bird that needed care and compassion, that could be nursed back to health. i like that sort of gentle outlook. it's hard to think of how you could deserve care when you feel so awful about yourself, but think of the way you'd care about a close friend in trouble. you deserve that sort of care and understanding for yourself too.

i have very little patience with well-meaning people who expect problems to be easy to solve, and refuse to see the complexity of health situations. screw them. it takes patience and perseverence, and time. (and you need to give yourself credit for all that patience and perseverence!) the people who are understanding are the people who really matter, and sometimes it's surprising who they turn out to be, when the going gets bad.

my bf has major depression issues, and sometimes he'll talk about how he's afraid of losing himself to drugs or therapy. or how he can never change, so maybe he should just not bother. but when he's doing better....he's very much himself still, only more balanced emotionally, more logical about his outlook.

depression and anxiety might influence your life, but they don't define who you are. you might always be wired to be nervous, but then you could be worlds more healthy about it through drugs/therapy/whatever. there's jittery-about-certain-things nervous, and then there's full-out-debilitating-panic-attacks nervous. obviously, it's much better to lean toward the former on that spectrum.

i know someone who had some anxiety that escalated to really really bad OCD after her mother died. she was always frantic and cleaned things so obsessively that she didn't sleep, and it interfered with her everyday life in really extreme ways. now, with drugs and therapy, she's a more everyday level of obsessive--a neat freak rather than someone who's all-out sick. it's a really big difference, and it's really changed her life for the better.

big hugs to everyone going through depression/anxiety.

[mandolyn]

so much of what you're all saying is hitting home for me right now. thank you.

my therapist is telling me "to be kind to myself". i don't even think i know how to do that.

i keep telling myself fessing up to my doctor, going on meds and starting therapy - probably years later than i should have - is at least a first babystep of learning how to be kind to myself.

the thing i'm struggling most with right now (and this is all new to me yet, like, weeks new) is, how much of myself can i really change, and/or learn to live with? i know how i'm wired. (ie: i've always been a "nervous nelly", but am now trying to cope with new and improved heh anxiety issues).

catlady, i'm so stealing buddha on the mountaintop. i've had a few of those myself. well-meaning friends, who love/d me, but who counseled (ie: lectured) me in the worst, most exact WRONG way, which only made my walls go up higher. i'm more of a bees-with-honey type. tough love makes me see red.

[annelise]

DEPRESSION IS PART OF YOUR HEALTH, like stargazer said. when you have problems with your health, physical or mental, it's going to be a challenge to deal with, however it may seem.

your brain chemicals can mess with you something fierce, and it's not willpower or laziness, it's chemicals going awry.

there are things that can be done with drugs, you can try to refocus your perceptions through therapy. it's not about "snapping out of it" or any of that crap. beating yourself up for things is easy to do (and counterproductive), but you can learn to give yourself credit for the things you can do, like candycane said...and go from there. it takes baby steps when things feel overwhelming, as they commonly do with mental health issues. it takes time sometimes, because you're just not ready to face that next step.

you have to respect your body, and know that deep down, you want to heal, and things will get better.

[candycane_girl]

crazyoldcatlady, I can't fucking stand people like that. I mean, on one hand one main point of my therapy has been to focus on the positive things in my life because I never give myself any credit for the good things I do but when I first went into therapy it felt like there wasn't anything positive in my life.

maddy, I understand how easy it is to be hard on yourself and it's a really difficult habit to stop. But one thing my therapist has done which has helped me which is not just to be like "I'm a good person" blah blah blah, but to actually look at the things I've accomplished because they're more tangible, y'know?

I feel like I'm rambling a bit but I hope that helps.

[stargazer]

it is very important not to compare yourself to other people. seriously. i have done the same myself. but, you are you. and i think it is too harsh to use your situation to someone with hiv in africa. if anything, it helps to put into perspective what i am happy for myself. my health...but, depression is part of your health and you are not functioning at your fullest potential. that's all. you can't live your life like everyone else because you are you.

i hope that makes sense...but, sometimes, we are our own worst enemy.

[crazyoldcatlady]

I mean, I always feel like this, it's just a constant undercurrent that sometimes rises up and gets really really big,like a big wave that breaks over my head every now and then and totally slams me into the ground.
It's basically self-hate. I'm not good enough. I'm not a truly kind, giving person. I don't try to help people enough, or change the world enough. I'm not smart enough. I wasted my privileges, opportunities, and education. I don't call my parents enough. I have practically no friends. I do'nt make enough money, I don't work hard enough at my job. I don't exercise enough. I smoke too much weed. I'm late to work too much. I'm lazy, I watch too much TV.

I spend so much time wallowing in guilt, instead of just doing the things that i need to do.

I feel like the energy and effort it takes to do all of the things I'm "supposed" to do is all the energy i have.

damn maddy, you reading my mind? minus the weed and parents part... i actually stalked the herbal section of a store this weekend, wondering if i should pick up some st. john's, and then i realized... the were all out. apparently we're not alone, even though it usually feels like we are.

i have a friend who a while back said " i don't believe in depression... i think people who are depressed need to get over themselves" or something to that effect. and i've been thinking about that. on one hand, i can see where she's coming from--how i get into navel-gazing periods and can't get out of my own head. on the other hand, this bitch (god knows i lover her) has always had a ginormous support group of family and friends and husband and pets; she has big tits, is blonde, loves to party, is going to be a doctor but has never had to deal with bigtime life-changes. how easy it is for her to play buddha on the mountaintop.

[maddy29]

I know that i'm being hard on myself, but it helps to hear it from someone else.

But, then i think oh puhleeeze, i'm being hard on myself, yeah right! my life is so easy and uncomplicated and stress-free. yet i can't/won't even do these fairly simple things to make my life better, myself happier, and less guilty! there are so many people out there who work so hard, juggle many responsibilities, etc etc.

i'm reading these interviews from people living with hiv in africa, and they don't 'even have food. they are always going to funerals. it's sooo sad. and then i look at my life and i'm like god, i'm such a fucking weakling! so many people have such adversity in their lives, and i'm just sitting here feeling all sorry for myself.

then of course, i feel more guilty lovely cycle i've got goin' on here.

[stargazer]

((maddy)) it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. instead of using the terrible "shoulda, coulda, woulda" words, just allow yourself to be where you are in the moment. sometimes, those words can be like anchors that weigh you down. seriously. it seems like more work. it feels more restrictive and oppressive. when you are given the emotional space to take care of yourself, you will feel the freedom to make the changes you need to make for yourself. also, not taking on all of these things you want for yourself at once will help you.

i know i get overwhelmed when i feel i need to accomplish all of the things i want for myself--yesterday. unrealistic. then, i get mad at myself--in a similar way to you--i'm not good enough because i can't accomplish these things. in reality, it is hard to accomplish so much in so little of a time.

i hope this helps you.

[maddy29]

blurgh, blargh. that's how i've been feeling since last monday.

i've got trauma crap going on, so i know tha'ts what it is.

BUT, every time i get this depressed, it's kinda the same thing. I want to write this down on here so that I can come back to it next time I feel like this.

I mean, I always feel like this, it's just a constant undercurrent that sometimes rises up and gets really really big,like a big wave that breaks over my head every now and then and totally slams me into the ground.

It's basically self-hate. I'm not good enough. I'm not a truly kind, giving person. I don't try to help people enough, or change the world enough. I'm not smart enough. I wasted my privileges, opportunities, and education. I don't call my parents enough. I have practically no friends. I do'nt make enough money, I don't work hard enough at my job. I don't exercise enough. I smoke too much weed. I'm late to work too much. I'm lazy, I watch too much TV.

I spend so much time wallowing in guilt, instead of just doing the things that i need to do.

I feel like the energy and effort it takes to do all of the things I'm "supposed" to do is all the energy i have.

gah.

[stargazer]

it's been a bummer of a winter. i was just thinking today how i can't wait for spring. just not happy with where i'm at right now. last year, i felt happier. though, i really wasn't. christmas eve was interesting for me. so, maybe it's that i'm actually allowing myself to feel this year that my emotions have hit me so hard in these past months. i am feeling better though. if it makes sense. i feel about 60% back to myself. i still have some more work to do.

hugs to everyone else