[Mr Pugs]

Brooke, you never know where you'll learn something new....

Fortune cookie wisdom: "You must let go of who you are to become who you can be"

I've always followed that mantra without knowing it. I'm not a complainer, if I don't like something, I'll work to change it. I would have a frank and up front conversation with him and state your concerns/fears. Usually based on the response you get, your decision should be a little easier to make. Either he will get the picture and work on changing it, or not care. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Mr. Pugs

[nickclick]

sassy, sorry mcgeek's being mcasshole. have you talked to him again this weekend? how was your first day at work?

brooke, my ex also fell into the no-rush-to-make-future-plans category. we made just about the same salary, but while i'm always working toward career goals, he was too smart for and always complaining about his retail job, and doing zilch to change it. i would offer to work more or save more so he could go to school and work part-time, or take a paycut and get into something he was happier with, but he was not enthused. he also dragged his heels about buying a house, sharing a bank account, marriage, or anything else grown-up. anyway, he's my ex, and it took me a long time to not feel guilty about those being the reasons for leaving him. there's nothing wrong with wanting to plan for the future, especially at a young age. by the way, he's still in our same apt. and working the same job, and i'm much happier.

you definitely have a right to worry if you're helping to fund his schooling, or at least his lifestyle during schooling, and he doesn't share your long-term plans. i'm not saying to leave him like i did, just saying it's a valid concern because he's probably not going to change anytime soon.

also, i'm curious, how did his mom reply?

[brookelynne]

Hi, all.

Sooooo I just completely ranted on the phone to my boyfriend's mom about this (probably not the right outlet) and now I feel a bit guilty for complaining, so I thought I'd take it here. Over the course of our four year relationship (which started in college) I have completely turned my life around from being a slacker student destined for mediocrity to making dean's list every semester, graduating and getting accepted to a top-tier school in my field for my masters degree, and even convincing scholarship foundations and my school to pay for more than 2/3 of my education (even though my parents were willing to pay the whole thing). We moved in together, in a different city (for my schooling) 14 months ago, and since then I have gotten a full-time job at what is simply the best place to work in my field, the holy grail of the industry. So now it's great career, decent salary, wrapping up my second degree. In the meantime, he has slacked at school, taken the gre to go to grad school, bombed that, given up on grad school without sending out a single application. He took an entry-level job in municipal government in something totally random that he never studied, because he needed a job. He decided that he'd go to law school, by default, but bombed the LSAT (that's what happens when you don't crack a test prep book). Now he will probably get into an absolute bottom tier school, and he'll go.

Point being, I'm feeling a little short-changed. I make significantly more, but I work harder, longer hours and have a longer commute. I do more at home, pay for more of the shared household expenses, etc. and yet I still am depriving myself to sack away thousands of extra dollars to pay for his education. Because starting in September, I'm going to be carrying our whole rent and all of our living expenses. Not to mention helping pay off those student loans for the rest of my life.

Moreover, even though we are in a long-term, very committed relationship, he refuses to talk about getting engaged. He says he wants to get married someday but we are too young to even talk about it. I'm 23, he's 24. I feel like you're old enough to talk about it if you're old enough to live together, have two dogs, be completely financially independent, and are even saving money for retirement. I'm 23 going on 35, head over heels for a man who is mentally still a college sophomore. That being said, he is a fundamentally good person, who will be a great father and a great husband someday.... How do I step back and focus on the big picture when I'm working myself to the bone for someone who can't appreciate that?

Ughhhh sorry that just came out way longer than it needed to to get the point across. Thanks for reading.... any response is greatly appreciated!

[sassygrrl]

Pugs hope everything works out.

Mcgeek is being a world class asshole right now. He's blaming me for moving out, when it was my decision in the first place. The worst part? The majority of my clothes are at his house, which wouldn't bother me tonight if I didn't have my first day of work tomorrow. All I have here are jeans and t-shirts. That won't make a good first impression. I just don't like people playing games.

[LoveMyPugs]

yeah I know. everything you said is right on. i do love that he is such a great guy. i just don't like when others take advantage of him. i also don't like to see him work so hard. he gets tired. i can see it in his eyes. i know he's going to be just as volunteering with our children. he'll be the first father in line to help. he is wonderful like that and that is one of the qualities i love about him the most. he offered to take me out to dinner this morning because he knows i'm pissed about missing the party. i told him okay but i think i'm just gonna surprise him with a good dinner and i baked him cupcakes. i think i might take a few into the bowling alley tomorrow and see if i can bribe some extra hard work out of the staff and maybe some of the parents as well, to take some of the pressure off mr. pugs. kill em with kindness right he is a great guy but *stomps foot* he's my great guy and i want him too ya know! well i'm off. thanks for the support ladies.

[shinyx3]

sassy, men are so dumb about stuff like that. i am married and i still find shit form the exes. i get pissed every time too. it is all stupid stuff that he didn't even know was there.

pugs, my hubby works like crazy. lately he has been getting up in the middle of the night and going to work. he is salaried so the extra hours he puts is are not extra money. at least not right up front. he has several huge goals with work right now and i realize that this will likely go on for a while and then even when it does slow a bit it will be back to this again at another time. this is just the way he is. he makes an effort to do things with the family but often cancels things that were planned in advance and i have a hard time with this as well. however, he really does just want my support. and i find that even when i am frusterated about how hard he is working and how he cancels on me and our friends, getting pissed about it doesn't help anything. i can let him know i am upset without being harsh about it and then i can go on supporting him. i know you said you feel like shit for canceling on your friend and i understand this but mr pugs is what is more important to you, so try to keep that in mind. also, it was not his fault that the guys wife is sick. maybe when this weekend is done and you are not so pissed you can talk about cutting back a little on the volenteering, maybe if there was one less thing he volenteered for that would help. anyway, i guess what i am saying is that maybe you should swallow it this time and let him know that he is a great guy for caring so much about the volenteer stuff (that may have something to do with why you love him so much . . . the kind of guy he is) and that even though you are bummed about missing the friends party and you feel like he is being taken advantage of, you understand and support him.

as for the dad issues, shit, we all have issues that creep up and fuck with our everyday lives but try to remember that it is your issue, not his.

i hope i don't come across as pompous here, i don't mean to, and i realize that if i took my own advice more often my life would be happier.

[sassygrrl]

Right, he's being a guy. I'm probably over-analyzing. But, I just need some space right now. It actually feels good to sleep in my own bed.

Pugs, I don't think you're being irresponsible or selfish.

[girlygirlgag]

It really got to me. I finally got a job (I start Sat!!), but we're taking some time apart. Mainly, because I keep finding his ex's shit everywhere. I mean, they've been divorced for a year now. It feels like I'm living with two people instead of one.

So, I'm back at my apartment for a while.

I have been living with Mr G for three years (after dating for a year) and I still find some of his exes things around, not as much over the years, though. Don't sweat it. Guys are dumb like that.

[LoveMyPugs]

sometime before 11:30 pm = sex

No, no, no GGG

It's sex after 11:30 p.m. = taze

Okay ladies, hear me out on this one.

So Mr. Pugs and I had plans to go out with a bunch of friends tonight for one of our friends birthday. It's been set in stone for a month and a half and I've been looking forward to it.

Last night when Mr. Pug was at his bowling league the husband of the director of the youth league that he coaches for on Saturday mornings comes up to him and tells him that his wife (the director) is in the hospital sick. He then preceeds to tell him that him and his wife won't be coming in on Saturday morning to run the youth league and that Mr. Pug is pretty much on his own. There are over a hundred kids in the league. He needs to put kids who are absent into the computer and collect money and COACH! Even when there are three coaches he is helping so much that he rarely gets to COACH! He's too busy collecting money from parents who sit back and gab or drop their kids off at the door and take off. This is completely volunteer. He is the only coach who doesn't actually have children in the league. He does this purely because he loves being there when the kids are bowling. The people who run the bowling alley are supposed to collect the money and put scores into the computer and what not but NO, NO, NO they are completely useless and don't do shit. Most of the time they aren't even at the counter when you need them.

So, Friday night we are supposed to go out for this birthday get together. Saturday morning Mr. Pug has to run the youth league all by himself and then Saturday night he volunteered to go work at a children's haunted hayride an hour away in Pennsylvania with his cousin. He also volunteered to work on his cousins car next Friday (he will make some money from this). So when he told me all this I flipped out. I told him that we are probably going to get home very late Friday night, then get up very early Saturday morning and he'll get home very late Saturday night then we won't see much of each other until Sunday morning. He works very hard and is usually exhausted on the weekends and now he's going to be completely wiped out. After I said that I knew what was going to happen. He wanted to cancel plans to go out Friday night so that he could get to bed early and be rested for the long Saturday ahead. This just pissed me off. We've been planning this outting for a month and a half. Then we are going to cancel the night before? Even though I was pissed about it I said fine. Cancel plans whatever. So he goes and gets on the computer and EMAILS his friend to cancel plans. I think this is a completely shit way out. At least call him tomorrow I said and apologize. He promised he would. So today his friend's wife emails me and is all upset because we are "bailing" out on her husbands birthday. I feel like shit now. I apologized to her and told her what was going on. She hasn't responded yet.

He is totally being taken advantage of in this youth league and I'm tired of it. He can't even get a freaking free soda at the snack bar for coming in and giving up his time. When I tell him this all he says is, "If I didn't go the kid's league would fall apart. I don't want that to happen." Well, I can't argue with that. Shit he's helping little kids to do something productive on the weekends instead of being out on the streets getting into trouble. Lord knows there is nothing to do in Middletown, Delaware but get into trouble or bowl. But it just erks me that we had to cancel plans that we made a month and a half ago. I was really looking forward to it. So, feeling this way, I freaked out on him last night about it all. When things calmed down and we went to bed he was so mad at me. I asked him why he was mad at me and not at the assholes at the bowling ally. He said that he was just looking for some support when he told me about it and I freaked out. I did freak out. I know I did. But, it just feels like bullshit. Makes me worry that someday when we have kids he'll drop plans with them to go volunteer his time for somebody elses kids. I know I feel like this because it's what my dad did when I was growing up. I know Mr. Pug isn't my dad and we don't even have kids and I should just cross that bridge when I get there. But it's not the first time we've had to cancel plans on a Friday night because of bowling. The other thing that pisses me off is that the bowling alley and the youth league parents are so fucking ungrateful.

Last but not least, when I go to help on Saturday I'm going to be counting money. Not sure if you know but I lost my job last Decembr at Wachovia because I had a $2000 cash difference in my drawer. Although there are extenuating circumstances to my being fired I'm still very hesitant about counting cash. I'm not good with doing small basic math in my head like that. So, I'm canceling plans that I was very excited about, then counting cash all Saturday morning which I hate doing cause I'm scarred from being fired and the he's just going to roll afterwards to go volunteer again at the haunted hayride.

I know it's all volunteer and for KIDS but come on. Am I being unreasonable here? Tell the truth. If I'm just being selfish I can take it.

[sassygrrl]

Yeah, I'm not the home maker either. I noticed the last month of so, Mcgeek was just expecting me to make dinner and do chores because I wasn't working. Well, I hate to do chores.

It really got to me. I finally got a job (I start Sat!!), but we're taking some time apart. Mainly, because I keep finding his ex's shit everywhere. I mean, they've been divorced for a year now. It feels like I'm living with two people instead of one.

So, I'm back at my apartment for a while.

[p_176]

LMP - women like that either think the guy will change and get motivated, or they want to and like taking care of him.

ugh.

[shinyx3]

pugs, i feel you and meiu, i do not work out side the home and was going to school before baby came. i know we have bitched about this before too but it can be soooo damned annoying! i do not make a cute little suzie homemaker.

[girlygirlgag]

one word. socks.

tell him, maybe sox = sex.

it's more

sometime before 11:30 pm = sex

No booty between the hours of 12 am and 6 am on school nights. EVER. Wake me up and DIE.

[themeiu]

Nickclick,
I know what you mean. I main problem with mr. meiu is his distractability. He will just wander away in the middle of doing something, especially something domestic, and I have to drag him back over. Thankfully he doesn't get mad about it or upset. He just gets a little ditzy.
I don't know what the resistance is to dish washing. I find that if I just do it right away, I hardly even notice it, it just kinda happens. But when they whine about and make it a big deal, they are only making it that much worse for themselves. Ugh

[nickclick]

one word. socks.

tell him, maybe sox = sex.

mr.nick cooks dinner most nites, thankfully, cuz i hate it. i love eating, hate cooking. but that leaves me with the dishes, which is fair trade off. but on the off-nite that i cook, he whines that he has to do dishes. it seriously takes him an hour, because he has to stop to watch tv, and being a drummer, he's banging on pots and making noise with wine glasses the whole time. ohmygod it's just soap, water and food gunk. just do it.

[LoveMyPugs]

I think I just need to get a tazer. He needs tazed.

How about a nice cold shock to go with those cold ass feet!

[girlygirlgag]

I guess I broke the internet.

[girlygirlgag]

zuh?

[girlygirlgag]

I talked to him today and I knew he was going to throw it in my face. The thing is, I don't mind him coming in and spooning me, (as long as he keeps his cold ass feet to himself), but I KNOW MR G. He doesn't just spoon to spoon, no he wants to do it. EVERYTIME. he spoons me for a minute and then the hands start to wander, AND IT IS SO EFFING ANNOYING.

I tried this on him one night and he almost kicked me out of the bed.


I think I just need to get a tazer. He needs tazed.

[LoveMyPugs]

GGG - Mr. Pug does something similar. I need to sleep BY MYSELF! I like my own pillows, my own blanket and my own side of the bed. Mr. Pug is 6'4" and we are both large people. When we first started sleeping through the night together we had a double bed. After about three days of that I woke up in the middle of the night and announced that the next day we were going to buy a king. So we did and we love it. Then we tried sharing blankets and that didn't work either. He takes them all and I'm left shivering in the night. So we have seperate blankets now as well. The problem is that he wakes up in the middle of the night and cann't fall back to sleep or he gets cold and he slides on over next to me. Well being such a big freaking guy his arm alone ways like 3 tons and he flops it over on me and then his leg as well and I'm smoothered beneath. I can't breath, move or SLEEP! I've gotten up in the morning so pissed off because for the last three hours I've been laying there so uncomfortable and now I'm so freaking tired. All he says is, "I'm sorry, I wanted to lay with you. I love you." Well how can you be mad at that? I'll tell you how. When this happens every night for a freaking week and you are so tired that you are the moody bitch from hell you suddenly become able to yell, "Will you get the fuck off of me and move the fuck over!" in the middle of the night with no sense of guilt what so ever.

I'm still a student, but the Mr. is 6 years older than me and just landed a killer job. I decided to relocate to Palo Alto to move in with him which has to be one of the most expensive places to live in CA (silicon valley). So, I clearly could not afford to live here. So basically, he is now supporting me while I'm going to school, which is a huge ego blow for me, but getting better. I have offered to get a job, but he said the kind of job that I can get now before I'm out of school would pay so little that the contribution wouldn't be worth it and he'd rather I be happier and not stressed out.
The problem is, I feel obligated to do all of the housework. And I always feel like I'm not doing enough. He never says anything to imply this, it's all me. But, he really enjoys his job. it's really fun and exciting for him and not work at all. It's basically just an extension of his PhD work which he's really passionate about. But I HATE housework. It's boring, and monotonous and dirty. I just wish there was a way that I could feel better about it, or trick myself into not hating it so much. Plus, the Mr. is not great about cleanliness, so in addition to regular up keep, there is backtracking. Grrrr. But I feel like I can't really say anything to him about it. Sigh. I know he's not going to change, so I should just get used to it....

Girl!!!! I FEEL YOU ON THIS ONE!!! We are living the same life together. When I lost my job it was wonderful to have Mr. Pug offer to support me while I finish school. I too offered to get a job and he said, "No, I want you to focus on school." It was a huge sacrafice on his part for me. However, regarding the chores I am with you. Oh, he'll help. Alot. But I always have to ask for it. He won't do laundry on his own. I have to ask him to do it and remind him to switch it over to the dryer and so on and so forth. My biggest issue is dishes. I do ALL of the dishes. To be specific I wash all the dirty dishes. He'll put clean ones away but I have to have a 20 minute debate/argument with him in order to get him to wash the dirty dishes. When he finally starts doing them he acts like a little kid doing chores he doesn't want to do. He slams things and curses the whole time. When that starts I'm like, "FINE. I'LL FUCKING DO IT. GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN."


AHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Drives me insane.

Because Mr. Pug is now a bust poster I can't tell you what I think about doing with the butcher's knife while I'm washing it.

In all honesty, I've discussed this with him soooooooooo, sooooooooooooooo, sooooooooooooooooo many times that it's just not going to change and I've come to terms with the fact that he won't offer to do much of anything and that if I just ask he'll do it so I've gotten very comfortable with asking him to help (but not the dishes grrrrr).