[dusty]

Half the time when Mr. Dusty puts on a cd at my place, I don't recognize it. Do you think I might have too many cds?

[auralpoison]

I was *thisfar* from busting some skulls last night. We played a team everybody hates because they're total dicks. They kick the machines & generally tear shit up. Anger management issues, they FLIP out if you're not playing fast enough because they're lives are so busy & important. Then why did you sign on for something that starts LATE at night, spastic? How busy you are tomorrow didn't mean dick to me right then. I was having fun/getting my drink on/bad fried food on. I was also forced to spend three hours with a guy in an A&F shirt & a crass handle.

[saktii]

Humanist77--
You look an awful lot like me with black hair in that picture of yours. Now I'm wondering if it's just the angle, or if maybe we really do look alike, or maybe I'm just vain.

[whammy_bar]

I feel I have to "confess" that I'm not a nut and that makes the actual nuts defensive. And I'm not narrow minded about it, but I have to "confess" about my dad's illlness and my mother's stress about dealing with it when I get to know people to a certain intimate degree because at some point family will come up.

They'll say their mom gave them a check or ask what I'm doing for Christmas or whatever -- and even then it's not the first thing I say to people, and probably never at work or something -- I'm not STUPID

But then say I told someone I was really close to that I could trust not to be a jerk -- or I know it's gotten out because some of my former roommates were gossipy catty substance abusing jerks and my dad would call and say weird things -- i know it must be going around my friends in town some way


my friends from los angeles have not called me and they always come back on fourth of july. I called and told them I would be away thiis year for the weekend, but they usually come for the week and they didn't call with any regrets either. Now, i should stay in touch with them more, call them and not just see them when they visit -- but they have always called me and my guy to go hang out -- even after one of our mutual friends dumpted us.

They were really cool and I have this nightmare that the reason they did not call is that they found out my parents were wack and this guy that we broke it off with had been working and working and working to try and get other mutual friends not to like us -- it had not been working but maybe now it is working.

I dunno.
I had a reasonably stable home life despite it all, went to school, wrent to work, acquired skills, learned how to eat properly and exercise and meditate, made friends, got involved in music and art and sex and traveled and did wild things with my looks ...

when I finally got my degree I had two jobs and a student loan and a maxed out credit card and a car I bought and paid for and maintained myself -- hardly enough time for sleep - that's when this guy dumped me and my guy and tried to turn people against us -- I don't know if he "found out " or what but he told me he thought I was crazy or on medications -- never have i been either one .

He said this to be mean to me because he must have known that is the worst thing he could say to me . because a friend of a frriend must have told him about my family so when he gets mad at me that's what he comes up with. Also he and some of his friends are married to women that they keep down by reminding them of their clinical level of depression. If they get too rebellious or angry they must be having an episode and should take more medication, according to him. he has this "righteous hippie dude" judgement and condemnation toward anyone who is ever angry for any reason at any time, especially -- a woman!! All I did was tell his girlfriend -- now wife -- that the reason I was walking funny after I'd driven them to a holiday weekend six hours away is because I had had surgery on my back and it was nothing to laugh at, and that I knew she hadn't known that before hand -- it's like -- and then I dropped it - one sentence, no more -- not some kind of drama for the whole weekend - and I just feel like, what, did this "righteous dude" judgemental control freak jerk get to them?

I just feel like -- no crazy person, or even person with depressive episodes, medications, substance abuse or whatever could ever have done what I have done -- could ever have gotten through the years of sacrifice it took for me to get skills and schooling.

and then -- sometimes people who have had these problems are next to me telling me that they will take advantage of me, that they will try to win artistic recognition or skilled jobs away from me, or a better position at work and that there is nothing I can do about it -- ha ha, I should be a sleazy manipulative hustler too or I'm just stupid!! And I better not RESENT them.

Most people resent people who take advantage. Taking advantage - that's what it's called -- It's a deeply unsavory thing.

I already suffered financial and emotional deprivation unjustly because of someone ELSE's problems - that they didn't CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THEIR OWN CHILD to FIX. I was forced to accomodate them.

This is not in any way a judgement of people like the depressed moms on this board because they DO something about it -- they don't just leave their kid to sink or swim and get self-absorbed.

What's happening with me now is I finally have prosperity and security and a nice apartment and a nice man and i can have people over -- and I wonder where my friends have gone. I still have some left, but have i just neglected people too much? All I've done is work work work work work,

Finally I can get back to the gym and I can do my writing again in a beautiful spot -- i had to give both up for two months!!

I started to do something I dreaded -- get snappish and withdrawn at work . It was just a ton of work at home and a ton of work at work and no play time and no satisfying payoff and a disruption in my gym and writing !! waah!!

I need to be happy at work and sociable and I need to have people over -- I need to save money for a laptop and not spend it on eating meals out because I'm too stressy to cook -- I've got a nice kitchen now.

It's time for me to realize I have a good life, but , I don't know, have I blown it? Are there some things I have to restart from scratch? Have any of you been through this? I can't look back, ya know, I thought I was cool with it but I don't like to lose friends.

Or neglect my body or soul or anything.

fam dam.

[gardnerella]

Does anyone else feel like the bad one, or is it just me?

I'm always the bad friend, the bad daughter, the bad co-worker, the bad pet owner, the bad neighbor, the bad student. Or I'm the weird one and not in a good way. This has been a theme in my life and I hate it. It makes me boo hoo like a little baby. Of course, it's my fault but even when I try to be a good person I always end up right back there.

[zoya]

my ex is in town for work and we got together for dinner tonight. We ended up making out afterwards. i had to stop it before it went too far...but I do not feel guilty about making out with him.

All I think about these days is sex also. I just wanna have sex.

I can't sleep lately. I have horrible insomnia. its fucking with my life, cause i am tired all day

[hummingbird]

I LOVE THIS THREAD!

I blame my mom for everything in my life that doesn't work...I have disowned my family because they are toxic...I fear that I will end up old and alone and on the street...

[culturehandy]

I had sex with a perfect stranger this past weekend. He is a 35 year old divorced man with three children. We are fuck friends, and it feels great. I don't know if I can go back to men my age, I have been fucking men significantly older than me since I was 17. I do not want to go back to men in their twenties. It isn't satisfying because all they care about is getting themselves off.

All I think about is sex. All I want to do is have sex.

I am very left wing, but working at the job I am at, I think that people who are capable of working, (as in single people), are lazy and unmotivated and it makes me mental that my tax dollars are going to support 18 years old fresh off their parents file.

[crazyoldcatlady]

early in my professional training years, i had to work with a chaplain. we exchanged a few professional emails, until one day i got one that was out-of-the-blue, thinly veiled come-on. i showed my friend, and she said to ignore it, just not respond. i showed it to my bf at the time, and he went off, basically saying i must have done something to provoke that. i wish i hadn't listened to either of them.

i'm homesick.

i'm feeling antisocial too, but then get upset when i'm alone.

[mornington]

I'm feeling antisocial again. And my friends are inviting me to spend time with them. But I'm just... so... I don't know. *sigh*.

I don't think the prozac is working.

[tyger]

humanist, i feel like that, too. the only thing that keeps me here is i can't ever imagine making friends like the two that mean most to me ever again

[humanist77]

Sometimes I want to drop everything in my life, despite how deep into it all that I am, and create an entirely new one. I don't have a bad life, but I feel that there is so little freedom to change it, and that terrifies and suffocates me. This is a secret because it would fuck up so much if I told the people who it would really affect.

[freckleface2727]

she wouldn't do it. said she was afraid of both messing w/her blood pressure medicine,and that she'd like it too much & want to do it again.
this is a genuinely GOOD woman. better than I'd ever be in a bazzillion years of living or lives.
my mr is horrified beyond words that I even brought it up with her & gets pissy at me when I talk about it to him now, but I am rather pleased that I got her to even give it any serious contemplation.
sympathy for the devil anyone?

alligator, I used to steal things (long ago confessed in the sinbin) and thought I was well past & over it, but I just noticed a utensil in my drawer w/ a eatery stamp on it that I have zero recollection of snagging. makes me wonder if my fingers weren't sticker than I realised or if I haven't passed the bug on to the fam.

mornington, student loan for education or shoes?
duh. one good shoe really can change your life

[tyger]

i just realized that 'academia nuts' was a play on 'macademia nuts'.

[sidecar]

I'm secretly pleased that I'm a terrible driver. I feel like it's a personality trait, not a public safety risk.

[mornington]

I frequently think I only maintain a "relationship" with my father because I'm financially better off for it. He pays my rent, I spend my student loan on shoes. I feel it's my debt, I might as well spend it and live better in the process. Which I realise is deplorable, as well as idiotic.

I am scared of failure, but I am equally terrified by success.

I miss falling asleep with someone else in my bed.

[auralpoison]

I smoked the other night. It's been five & a half years. They dropped a statewide smoking ban on Saturday & I smoked me a whole Parliament that night out of spite for the Man.

Freckleface, I used to invite the door-to-doors in to discuss it over a bath. Salespeople, religious wackos, you name it. Nobody would ever take me up on the Mister Bubble & the JW's/Mormons stopped coming to our house pretty much in perpetuity. Goddess commended me on being smart & offered me a management position when I die. Of course, hell has better benefits & hotter guys, so I'm still mulling it over.

[saktii]

Confession: I have the password to my exboyfriend's email. Every once in awhile I'll punch it in just to see how his life has been... And I don't really feel guilty about it, either.

[alligator]

Yes, you are going to Hell for getting your mother-in-law to drink.

Or did you mean that salesman/God thing?

Confession: I want to steal things. Often.

[freckleface2727]

I am trying to convince my mother in law to drink.
just to T R Y the bacardi rum punch in my fridge.
I think she's weakening.

I am going to hell.

alligator, you think really?