[aunt agonist]

dear M,
every. single. time. i start to let my guard down. you are unbefuckinglievable. and still with an air of nobility. i'm mostly mad at myself for thinking we could be civil. ridiculous. you are calculated and cruel and if you try to hurt my family, i will lash out with whatever means i have available to me. i am givng you a chance now-- take it. it will stop me from having to fight dirty right back, and you won't have to realie that i fight dirty REAL WELL. just go. let me go... and you go too. shortest and saddes sentence in the english language --"go"
if you go now, even though i say we won't, we can be friends one day. after you realize. but for now- just let me go.
-bc

[lucizoe]

(Oh, treehugger, I'm such a purist smeghead that I can't let you get away with that. It's Red Dwarf, no "the." )

[treehugger]

Pugs...it's dialogue from "the red dwarf"

[LoveMyPugs]

Wh..what??



I..I..I don't get it.

*scratches head and sits down on the floor stumped*

[lucizoe]

Funnybird -

I can't let you out...The King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees, and wept...

Can we see him?

See who?

The Potato King.

Do you have a magic carpet?

Yeah. A little 3-seater.

So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom. And you're telling me you're completely sane?

[culturehandy]

((((busties))))

Dear self,

See working out does make you feel better!

CH

[llamas]

((((((letter-writing Busties))))))
I'm feeling large amounts of empathy with y'all.

Dear mr. llamas:
Stop. Just stop. I'm so tired of your attitude towards our relationship. Oh yeah, I'm such a bitch and you're soooo innocent and put-upon. I know I'm not innocent either, but it takes two to cause conflict and I wish you'd at least consider that your behavior might not always be acceptable. When I upset you, it's accidental; but you say fucked-up things to me on purpose to hurt me in retaliation and think it's okay. I'm so afraid that you'll never stop seeing me as the enemy, and I just can't deal with that. Like my mom told me last weekend, at some point I just have to decide what I have to do take care of myself.

[funnybird]

lucizoe, you have the BEST. AVATAR. EVER!
My favourite episode

[culturehandy]

Dear M.

I hope you die, I fucking hate you. The world will be a better place without you.

CH.

Dear Me,

Girl, there is nothing you can do about that fucking cow, just let it go. LET IT GO! I know it's hard. You bit back, and now she doesn't talk to you, isn't that what you wanted? I know you are upset, but just breath, girl, breath. That's all. Relax. Work you when you get home. You don't have to work with her permanently. Love your beautful, wonderful, sassy self. She is nothing. She is a wart on the ass of humanity.

CH.

[girlbomb]

Dear You,

I fucking hate you.

I know I'm not supposed to hate you, because you're mentally ill, and you "couldn't help" what you did to me and others. You're as much a "victim" of your illness as anyone else. And yet, as you can see by my "ironic" "quotes," I still do blame you. I do.

I know that nobody chooses to be a sociopath. That's an organic brain disorder, and it sucks for you as much as it sucks for everyone else around you. It wasn't your decision to be born without the capacity to feel for anyone besides yourself. It was just bad luck.

And I know that nobody forced me into our relationship -- I DID choose to be close to you. Of course, I had no fucking idea how sick you were, whereas you did know, and you didn't tell me. Kind of like knowing that you have communicable herpes, and not telling someone before you get into bed with them. But, again, you were born without the capacity to care for other people.

Intellectually, though, you are smart enough and sensitive enough to know better. You knew that people would be hurt by your illness, and you did nothing to prevent that. As a matter of fact, you enjoyed hurting people with your illness. It's part of your illness, to enjoy other people's emotions, since you have so few authentic ones of your own. You like pain, and you especially like other people's pain. Whether or not you understand how disgusting that is emotionally, you understand it intellectually.

It's like being color blind -- you can't see "red," or "green," but you know that they exist, and that others see them. You know that the green light is on top of a traffic light, and the red one is on the bottom. And if you're any kind of aware, responsible human being, you don't go zooming through red lights just because you can't see their redness. You work around your color blindness so that others are not hurt by your inability to process color.

Not you, though. You're too great for that. You're too grandiose. You're too much of an ubermensch. You and Nietzche, right? Nobody can tell you to learn the difference between red and green -- you're above it.

God, you are disgusting. And I fucking hate you. You're an evil person, and I don't use that word a lot, but it's true -- you are the opposite of good. You are anti-good. Your presence in the world is negative and destructive. And I've tried to tell myself that you DO serve a purpose -- you remind the rest of us how wonderful it is to feel things. As sad and fearful and guilty and miserable as any of us have felt in our lives, at least we FEEL. And that's a positive thing, right?

But I can't get over how sick and destructive you are, and how much you've allowed your sickness to hurt others. You make the world a shittier place, and I hate you for it. I wish that you would stop doing what you do; barring that, I hope that you die soon. It would be a relief to everyone.

Janice

[LoveMyPugs]

Dear Mr. Pug –

I’ve just had it with your childish shit. Come the fuck on already. You don’t go to the dentist for five years. You eat sugary foods (Kool-aid, chocolate, gummy everythings) constantly and don’t brush your teeth afterwards. So last night, you pop a sugary, chewy orange slice in your mouth and pull out a chunk of one of your fillings (which you wouldn’t have in the first place if you didn’t eat so many sweets). Now you need to go to the dentist cause you have an exposed hole in your tooth. You get pissed and yell and want to know why the filling didn’t last longer. Duh…cause you don’t take care of your teeth. I call the dentist and confirm that you haven’t been in five years. I make an appointment for a consultation and you get pissed cause they have to check you out first and then have you come back for repairs. OK, let’s compare this to something that you understand. If someone brought their car in to your shop and didn’t do any routine maintenance on it like oil changes (oil changes = regular dental cleanings) would you just change their oil and send them on their way? NO you wouldn’t. You’d make a grocery list of things that are wrong with the car and inform the customer of what they need done = CONSULTATION!! If the customer doesn’t want anything done except and oil change (filling fixed) then you just do the oil change and let them go. But it’s unethical to just let them leave without giving them the full story. So I hope that helps when you get pissed about having to go for a “consultation” and then repairs. Now stop being such a little bitch and go to the fucking dentist already. We have a good dentist. He’s not a crook. God I swear you’re worse then a fucking child sometimes.

Sheena

[lucizoe]

(((lmp))) stupid shitty girl - a pox on her!

dear andrea dworkin,

Lady, I miss you. The Earth still needs you. Come back!

Unwilling-to-accept-reality-girl,

Luci

[mivee]

dear B,

i really am sorry. i don't know if i want to be with you or not, given the way things are, given how angry i am with everything, and how unfair i will be to you, and how i will lie to you. none of this is your fault. i would like to be able to talk it over, sanely. but a part of me is about to hit send on a really nasty, curt, "i'm done here" mail. i won't sit around and wait to be dumped.
i'm sorry.
no one is as perfect as you thought me to be. no one.

Mi

[treehugger]

((((lmp)))) my very best friend stutters. A lot. Poor guy. It's really, really unfair when people don't understand, too.

((((gt)))) thank you for your show of kindness to me. And, like freckleface, reading your post makes me want to mama you, too. Hoping you find *~*peace*~*

[freckleface2727]

gt you make me want to mama you sweetie.
(((((((((((((((((((((gt)))))))))))))))))))))

[LoveMyPugs]

((((((((((Everyone))))))))))

Dear Self,

So you stuttered in front of the entire class today. You’ve been doing so well since completing therapy again. You know your triggers and you see your stuttering coming. You prepare and usually conquer it. Most people don’t have the mental capacity to even begin contemplating how they are going to construct their sentences every time they open their mouth. You do this and you do it extremely well. You just had a slipup today. You are entitled to one when you are talking about a topic that frustrates you. So the girl across the room giggled. She’s a skinny little bitch who you could kill with your pinky finger if you wanted to. So the teacher saw you stutter and heard the giggle and didn’t say anything. He’s a nice guy, you like him, he was probably just put off by the whole thing cause he’s never seen you stutter before. People are just not in the know when it comes to stuttering. You can go around handing out Stuttering Foundation cards to everyone you come in contact with and you will still have one asshole laugh when your stuttering makes THEM uncomfortable. Your friends and family love you and know how sensitive you are about your stuttering. They know how hard you’ve worked to overcome it. They know you relapse and they don’t care. They ask if you’re alright and if there is anything you need to talk about. Usually you just get excited, stressed or a butterfly flapped his wings the wrong way in China. My point is that it happens and you can’t make it go away forever. Ilene tried to teach you that. That’s why she would make you stutter on purpose in front of the mirror. So you aren’t so ashamed of it. After 25 years you still are on the verge of total melt down anytime you stutter in front of a crowd and someone giggles. You know this is going to happen. It happens all the time. It’s time to stop being so angry about it. People suck and there is nothing you can do about it. Causing a scene and calling them soulless pricks just isn’t going to make a difference because they are all goddamn “perfect bitches”. Fuck them all. You are a goddess and that’s all that matters. Let’s not let this one incident undue all the hard work we’ve accomplished the last year and a half. I love you and your stuttering. It’s a part of us. Keep your chin up baby girl!

Love,

Yourself!

[aviatrix]

((((((((culture))))))))
((((((((aunt t)))))))

mom:
i'm shaking. i'm sitting here at work and i am fucking shaking. and it's funny, mom, cos i am having a hard time figuring out if its because i'm about to cry or if i'm about to go off.

as usual your timing is perfect.
perfectly shitty. it's the perfect addition to the perfectly shitty start to a perfectly shitty day.

i don't need to hear you love me. you don't. i don't want your love. you had your chance. now i just want to be left alone. it's hard enough trying to do my job without bursting into tears. its hard enough to get a note from you were i don't spew all of the bile and hate i have for you. it's hard enough without you and your bullshit. my throat is choked full of all the mean cruel things i want to say to you. my hands crave to be fists to put holes in walls to release all the anger i have for you. my head screams all the things i could say to hurt you to make you so afraid of ever talking to me that you would learn your lesson once and for all. i've done it before. last time i talked to sean, i said things that tore him to pieces. no wasted words. straight for the jugular. i don't like to be hurt, and you've hurt me most of all. it's been painfully brought to my attention in the last few months that i tend to lash out at everyone when i am feeling hurt. and maybe that's not the best way to handle things. but that doesn't mean i want to talk. far from it.

it's like every couple of months you drop me an email or a postcard saying you love me. but where was that love all those years after i told you i was transexual? where? and later when you were supposed to come up to see me and didn't call for months? three months. guess you were too busy to love me at your fucking prayer meetings and christian conventions. i was the one calling then, trying to connect with you, and you would insist that 'it wasn't god's will' 'hate the sin, love the sinner' and all the other bullshit christian slogans there were to ape the hate. i don't need you to hate my sin. don't you have enough sin of your own to hate without taking mine on too? i don't want to hear another thing about what god is doing or what he wants. you know what? i'm kinda tired of his bullshit too. but you'll never hear that. or me. or anything else i've got to say. it's not like you listened then, and it's not like you'll listen now. lol. sounds like you need to pray for god to heal your hearing. you know what? do that. and get back to me when you hear from him. then again, don't. cos when god finally gets back to you and heals your hearing, you'll hear me saying the same thing: i don't care anymore. not about your love, not about your life, not about you. leave me alone.

-gt

[culturehandy]

Dear Self,

Just calm the fuck down okay. That last client was a real prick. Fuck him. I know you don't like being angry at clients, but this guy really pushed your buttons. Who cares, he's a shit, not your fault that he ended up where he did. Feeling better now? I thought so.

Ch.

[freckleface2727]

n:
I am not your friend.
running into you today was not the good-exciting-ohhYAH it's YOU event to me that maybe it was to you.
my heart sank when I realised it was you calling my name.
I had genuinely assumed you'd moved away.
I carried you and your crazy nutbag family through the entire yearlong deployment the year before last out of some, I'm not even sure what- obligation to making my mr's life easier so your mr could best do his job and be less issue to my mr I think. when you relised I no longer called when they returned, I'm sorry you didn't realise that was the end for me. I honestly wanted to find your mr, and find you, and then join you by the hand as a handover to him and tell him ' this belongs to YOU Now' bc I cannot bear the weight a day longer. you - are- crazy. harsh but accurate. the offspring you have birthed are also swimming in the shallow end of genetic offness. I can't do it. I worked w/ your family out of obligation. that's- it.
bc my mr was sr to your mr and I saw a family in perpetual crisis; I would have done the same for anyone bc it's how I am. but now you are civilians and I have absolutely NO Obligation to be anything at all to you, least of all your savior once again.
when you are un crazy/ less crazy, you are so sweet and good and I see so many limitless good possibilities for you.. getting your GED is just a starting point, but I can't do it for you and am unwilling to be your cheerleader.

I cannot help think that running into you today was more than just cooincidence, so I am going to interpret it as a Test, to see if maybe I have learned anything at all about Personal Limits.

please
don't
call.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but do wish you well out of my life all the same~

former albatross load bearer

[aunt agonist]

dear self,
you're better than him. you were the catch and he was a fucking snake in disguise. he talked a good game and fooled a lot of people but he will never fool you again. none of your mutual friends even liked him. even if you're just finding out now, remember that the only good he had in him, he syphoned from you. he's a parasite and dosen't know how to be anything else. you loved him as hard as you could, but a snake is a snake and all the love in the world wouldn't be able to change that. he did you a fucking favor by breaking your heart because now you know who he really is. he is dead to you. you can't mourn someone who dosen't exist anymore. he never existed. the past 5 1/2 years were a fucking bad dream. a dream of lies and undeserved sacrifice. he is paperwork. a minor irritation. he was never and will never be good enough or strong enough for you. keep your hate for him until you can be truly indifferent- you're gonna need it. i know you feel like you've been raped but it's not your fault. you are stronger than this and you always were.
love (you're gonna have to rely on self love for a while but it'll make your strong ass hard as fucking nails)
-aa