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>  Survivor's Space
cstars124
post Jul 26 2006, 10:28 AM
Post #601


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 179
From: Providence


We were in an argument at his apartment and for some reason, I didn't leave. And I should have. But we were just sitting there in silence and he told me to take off my pants and I thought (very naively) that we were gonna have sex and I thought the argument was over and everything was fine. But he pushed me down and started to anally (sp?) rape me. And I told him that it hurt, cause usually he would back off, but he didn't. And I asked him to stop, and he didn't. And I was winching in pain and asked him again, but he didn't. And he asked me if I was gonna be a bitch again and I said "no" cause I thought he would stop after that, but he didn't. He didn't stop until he finished. And he told me to "clean up" and I just sat next to him as he lit a cigarette and I cried. And I asked him why he just did that and he told me that he was "role playing" and he thought I knew, even though we hadn't talked about it ever before.

But when I go back and think about it, I honestly have no idea why I didn't do more to stop it. Honestly, the thought never even occured to me to scream or kick or anything. So, in a way, as much as I wanna say I KNOW it's not my fault, I have a hard time believing it.

and I'm sorry that I just rehashed it. I don't mean to make this everyone else's problem or anything, but I don't know who else to talk about it with, cause my friends don't know what to say and I would never tell my parents.

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maddy29
post Jul 26 2006, 10:06 AM
Post #602


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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


um, you were in shock? that's why you didn't "fight harder" i mean, you were sooo not expecting that. time goes by really fast and weirdly in traumatic situations, too. Plus you were probably scared. I hate that whole oh you could have tried more. It's not like you can think straight in a situation like that! geez. it's not all logical and rational.
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cstars124
post Jul 26 2006, 09:57 AM
Post #603


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Posts: 179
From: Providence


I'm sorry maddy. sad.gif

Is there any type of hypno therapy you can do to bring up the repressed memories? I know a friend of mine went to a therapist one time who did something like that to bring up some memories she was repressing. It sounds like it might help you.

I have to just keep telling myself that it totally was rape. I felt humilated by it, and I didn't understand it, but I didn't feel violated at the time. In retrospect, I do because it was completely unwanted, and I told him that. But immediately afterwards, I was more shocked than anything else. We had done what he had forced on me millions of times before this, why would he think he needed to force me to do it this time. I just didn't get it.

And I really don't talk about this with my friends, because I think they get slightly uncomfortable with the situation and even though they say that they acknowledge it being rape, I think they may think I over dramatize it to make it seem worse than it really is/was. And they ask me why I didn't do anything at the time, like scream or fight him away. And I say that it's because it was difficult to fight back when you're pinned face down, but as to why I didn't try harder, I don't really know...
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maddy29
post Jul 26 2006, 08:25 AM
Post #604


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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


yep that's rape. he raped you. no two ways about it.

i think the term "date rape" kinda sucks sometimes, cause it makes it seem like "not as bad as REAL rape" -meaning stranger jumping out of the bushes. in reality, that doesn't happen nearly as much as being raped by a friend or boyfriend or someone you know and trust. when someone you know/love rapes you, it's sooo different. there's so much more emotional trust issues that get stirred up, etc.

i had two experiences in college that are so grey and blurry, i've never known quite how to categorize them. mostly because i was so drunk and both times kinda spaced out/blacked out and then "woke up" with them fucking me. they both stopped when i pushed them off of me. so it's not like i said "no" and then they kept going, ya know? much more blurry and confusing.

well this is a super long post, but i'm having a shit ass day. i'm just so discouraged and frustrated with my stupid ass "healing journey" from hell.

i just want to move on, and i am and am trying to but something just keeps pulling me back. i had repressed memories, so my biggest issue with the incest has been denial. i made the choice a few year ago to just believe myself, even if it seems crazy, because i was practically killing myself trying to figure out if it happened, or if i'm just crazy or whatever.

but, deep down, i just don't know. i don't have access to my memories, they've come out during breathwork sessions, but they are all blurry, the time jumps around, and i'm just not sure of anything. i hate it. i wish i could go to a hypnotist and just have them get the story out of me, and tape it and transcribe it, so that i can see it when i feel doubtful.

i feel like this is really holding me back. i still feel like there's stuff locked up. i'm so frustrated with my sex life, my inability to have orgasms except with this one vibrator, in this one specific way.

i just don't know where i go from here. i've done a lot of work, and i'm in a better place (on meds, family relations healed, good boyfriend, caring friends, got rid of toxic people, stable job that pays the bills, etc).

blah. i dunno.

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ananke
post Jul 13 2006, 02:05 AM
Post #605


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Posts: 266


My rape was very similar. He didn't say it was roleplaying but he did apologise. We were sexual afterwards as well.

I said no. He penetrated me anyway, knowing I didn't want him to. It was rape.

As for me, I started having big issues about 18 months afterwards, once I'd started therapy, stopped SI and got into a stable place in my life. It was also when I had to start dealing with sexual intimacy. Some women don't find it to be as much of an issue - I have and probably always will.

Being able to say it was rape is pretty much the only way to start getting through it. If you minimise it or ignore it, I think it will fester.
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cstars124
post Jul 11 2006, 10:44 AM
Post #606


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Posts: 179
From: Providence


[font=Comic Sans Ms]I just have a question for everyone.

Has anyone had to deal with date rape? Like, this may sound really stupid and I sometimes have a problem calling this "rape" even though I know it is. But, my ex bf forced himself on me, despite many pleas to stop. And then apologized afterwards and said he was "role playing" and thought I knew, even though he knew very well I didn't know. And I was really upset for a while afterwards. But it wasn't until we broke up officially that I started telling people about it, and as horrible as this sounds, I don't think anyone really takes it seriously because we were dating. He was my bf for two years and we were sexual many many times before the incident. Which is why I don't think I have any type of ptsd or anything. But, I don't want it to resurface later on and make me miserable or afraid to be intimate with people. And this happened like maybe a year and a half ago. Any input would be appreciated, and i'm sorry in advance if I shouldn't be discussing this here. unsure.gif
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ananke
post Jul 7 2006, 01:39 AM
Post #607


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Posts: 266


The wedding went spectacularly well, as did the honeymoon. Only one night where I freaked out a bit (combo of a lot of things, some survivor, some just emotional exhaustion, some just broken quim).

I actually told a friend of ours as well, and it was such a shock to actually say it and be believed. He asked more questions than most people, but all in this totally trusting way. There wasn't any sense of disbelief. He knew the lingo too.
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hummingbird
post Jul 6 2006, 01:37 PM
Post #608


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It's the great secret of most so called civilized post modern societies...
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maddy29
post Jul 6 2006, 01:19 PM
Post #609


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


random question for y'all. what would happen if a huge group of survivors (like 10's of thousands) all filed charges against their rapist/abuser, etc. i mean i'm not suggesting we do that, but what do you think would happen?

i get so frustrated that this is all just pushed down by stupid stuff in the news. it's all still so taboo to talk about. and there are so many fucking criminals out there!

sigh. some days it jsut makes me a bit nuts.
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hummingbird
post Jun 27 2006, 03:41 PM
Post #610


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Yeah, that's a flashback alright...but there are also emotional flashbacks too...
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maddy29
post Jun 27 2006, 12:19 PM
Post #611


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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


Sorry about the flashbacks. I haven't had them for so long now. Thank god:-) Although I guess seeing my grandfather's face floating around while I'm having sex is kind of a flashback-gak!
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hummingbird
post Jun 27 2006, 12:16 PM
Post #612


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NO, not everyday...today...having flashbacks....but I can still smile and have a good day...it does not consume my spirit the way it used to...
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maddy29
post Jun 27 2006, 11:40 AM
Post #613


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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


it's amazing, I really never thought i'd get here. i had this great therapist who totallly believed in me and my ability to get better. i thought she was full of shit! it annoyed me actually, that she was SO SURE i'd feel better. but, she was right. it took a long time and it was hell, truly hell.

But now, I get to live!!! I don't wake up thinking "incest" every day.
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hummingbird
post Jun 27 2006, 11:31 AM
Post #614


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It's like waking up from a bad dream and realizing...yes...it all happened...it all affects the present, and future....wipe the tears from my eyes and look towards the horizon...
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maddy29
post Jun 27 2006, 11:00 AM
Post #615


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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


pixie-thanks:-) it is similar though, it's all about actually being present during sex. lately that has been tough. for me, looking at him, saying his name, etc helps, but when he says my name, it helps a LOT! so he's going to talk more during it and stuff.

i agree-you never get over it exactly, but it doesn't always rule your life. you arne't just a "survivor" as your whole identity, you are a whole person with a past.

I gotta say, I've been working on this stuff since I was 21, and my 20's were really hard and pretty awful, but I'm a loooot better now. Just for anyone out there who's feeling like it'll never end. Yes, it'll always be there, but you don't have to live in that awful scared place all the time.
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kittenb
post Jun 26 2006, 01:44 PM
Post #616


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anake - it sounds like you are taking amazing strides. That is great! Congrats on the marriage. I hope the Big Day is wonderful.
maddy29 - I am glad that you are with someone who is "working" with you.

I don't think these journeys end. I think rape isn't something you "get over." But, I do belive that we can get "through," and "to the other side."
People "get over" the flu, not a brutal violation of their body and soul. But there is another side and that is what we are all working towards.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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pixiedust
post Jun 26 2006, 01:21 PM
Post #617


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Maddy,
I haven't been raped...so I am not going to pretend I know what you have been through...but I used to fantacize a lot during sex with my exhusband..I was always sort of "detached". Anyway, my last boyfriend before Mr.Pixie was very adament that I make love to "him" and not some fantasy. He made me look him in the eyes while we were making love and focus on him. It made sex a lot more intense and more intimate. I wondered if maybe doing something like that would help you from drifting to unpleasant thoughts.


--------------------
~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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erinjane
post Jun 26 2006, 12:48 PM
Post #618


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Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


ananke, that's what really gets to me too, how the journey will never end. It's definatly overwhelming.


--------------------
I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
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maddy29
post Jun 26 2006, 08:10 AM
Post #619


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


oh update on sex: I realized that I'm still spacing out a lot, which is why I keep seeing his face. I decided to take a break from penetrative sex for a while, and focus on really being present for foreplay. Yesterday we spent an hour, just on me! I had to take breaks and breathe and stop, because I'd start to drift away or get really anxious.

So frustrating. It goes away for awhile but yep, it always pops back up. It's just another piece of work, but I'm sick of doing work!
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maddy29
post Jun 26 2006, 08:08 AM
Post #620


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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


congrats ananke-on the marriage:-)

That's so great that you told some people-since the dang archives are gone I can't remember what your situation is-are you the one with the christian brother?
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