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> Mooooving on!!!!!
baroque
post Feb 10 2009, 03:45 PM
Post #721


BUSTie
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Posts: 22
From: The Great White North


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roseviolet
post Feb 6 2009, 06:59 PM
Post #722


Pacifism kicks ass!
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Posts: 3,064


Pugs, you said he lied to your face the other night. What did he lie about? How do you know he was lying? I'm not doubting you - not in the least - I'm just wondering what he's up to.

I agree with GT. You need to get out of there. Please please don't spend the weekend at home with that man. Get out. Go to your parents house & stay there. See friends. Something.

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girltrouble
post Feb 6 2009, 12:17 AM
Post #723


new highs in personal lows daily!
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Posts: 4,307
From: wherever ink is put in skin...


pugs can you move in w/ your parents? i know if i was around t all the time i would be feeling the same. that's why i'm trying to steer clear.

but dayglow is right-- there is nothing wrong with you. you are in a very difficult situation. but if you think it would be healthier for you to move out to the couch again, then do that. the motivation needs to be that you are going to do what is healthy, and what is best for you. and if you changed your mind, you can change it right back. you must remember to take care of you first.


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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dayglowpink
post Feb 5 2009, 10:04 PM
Post #724


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


((((LMP)))) You're not an idiot or stupid or anything like that. You have feelings! That's normal and a good thing, even though I know it doesn't seem like it right now. Whatever ends up happening between you two, you do care about each other, and even if moving on turns out to be the right choice, it doesn't mean you are weak if it takes a while. I have a terrible pattern of breaking up and getting back together multiple times. I just decided that sometimes that was what I needed at the time. This breakup will probably be the first time that doesn't end up happening for me, but I've certainly been extremely tempted, and my ex moved out the next day! I feel for you, girl, and I've been thinking about you a lot. My breakup has been so painful, and we didn't even have half of the history you guys do. Trying to live in the same house seems absolutely impossible. Just please try not to beat yourself up.
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neurotic.nelly
post Feb 5 2009, 01:35 PM
Post #725


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 460
From: the galatic center


LMP, I can relate to your post below and the flip flopping feelings and reactions. My relationship of five years needs to change, it has to change, because if it doesn't I can't stay, and neither can he. We argue about a lot of little things now. I cannot relate to his thought process. We have similar beliefs but, the way that we rationalize things differs greatly. We still love eachother. We live with eachother and we are each other's bestest friends. I want to be single again but then I don't want to be "alone" and I don't want him out of my life, and I'm afraid that he'll push me out if we break up. unsure.gif
Eta: I think you care because you still love eachother too. There's is nothing wrong with caring, that's far better than seeing things in black and white (my MO). Nothing is wrong with you.


--------------------
Earth: A Satanically ran planet where 98% of it's inhabitants are unquestioning, conformist idiots who are totally controlled and manipulated by the Satanic governments of the world and have been made complacent by said governments, through rigorous brainwashing.
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zoya
post Feb 5 2009, 10:05 AM
Post #726


uh huh.
***
Posts: 1,818
From: the world.


thanks persiflager -

of course R hasn't called me again - so I just haven't done anything. (what else is there to do) I'm so bummed that I got caught off guard when I accidentally called him and ended up chatting with him instead of just saying "call me back when you're not busy" or something, and getting off the phone. I suppose that, aside from the needing space thing being for me - it's also so that I can take the power back and not hand it to him. Like when I stayed on the phone and chatted with him (after calling him back - even unintentionally, ugh, that's even more like chasing him.) I basically gave him the update on me more or less, so now he has no reason to check in. I'm not really trying to play a "game" per se, it's more like I want him to realize that he can't just have it - even if all he wants is a little sliver of it - whenever he wants. I'm the one who lets him have that by just handing it to him on a platter. So I'm the one that needs to cut that off, and I want to actually say it to him rather than just blowing him off. But like I said, I kinda didn't give him a reason to get back to me, so it just seems like it would be really dumb to just email him or something out of the blue and say it - especially if he's not contacting me.

...I get all this, and yet... I miss him.. not in a maudlin way, but I truly miss his energy and creativity in my world. I can't even think of the whole "well maybe we'll be friends someday" blah blah, because whenever that's happened in my world with guys (which is frequently) it's just happened organically after some time apart (often a LONG time apart), it's felt 100% right, and not been hard. It's never happened through any efforts I've made right off the bat to try and be friends. Hell, whenever I've made efforts with anyone to that end, it's just caused me pain. And besides, I don't want to try and be friends at this point. I'm not feeling it. I have feelings for him that are different from that. Hell, I've been laying low because I'm just not ready to see him at all. I might not even go to a gig that pretty much everyone i know will be at tomorrow night, because I'm quite certain he'll be there, and it's in a small place so I'll have to be right there. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot socially, but it just seems the easier thing to do for awhile.

great site, btw.
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Persiflager
post Feb 5 2009, 08:22 AM
Post #727


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


(((( dayglowpink, LMP, girltrouble and zoya ))))

There's a funny website called Breakup Girl - it's run as a blog now, but it used to be an advice column, and all the old columns are archived (see 'Advice' on left-hand side of screen). I think the advice is spot-on.


--------------------
“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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LoveMyPugs
post Feb 5 2009, 06:14 AM
Post #728







i keep making mistake after mistake with mr. pugs and i. i really do. i moved out of the bedroom and was sleeping by myself. i was crying through most of the nights but i was making it. i was trying to figure out how i'm going to get through this time we have to "share" the house until one of us can buy out the other and move out. i was leaning on friends and family. he was avoiding coming home. i was staying busy. his relationship with his friend stephanie is making me very uncomfortable. i thought about writing her a myspace message asking her to just put some distance between them while we are dealing with this difficult situation. she's immature and would fire back at me and attack me via myspace message. i don't really feel like putting up with that shit. we had a really bad argument tuesday night. he lied right to my face. even after all this i've moved back into the bedroom. why you ask? because i'm an idiot. i told myself i just wanted to sleep back in our bed but i'm not so sure that's true. it's been two nights now i'm back in bed with him and all night he pesters me for sex. last night i asked him if we could just go back to the way we were and let the dust settle. we could just love one another until we are in a position to make a real decision. he said we could try but neither of us is going to bounce right back. then he hassles me for sex all night. that's the furthest thing from my mind. now i'm thinking of moving out of the bedroom again. i'm really tired and i need real sleep. in our bed without being pestered. he is home sick for five days with the flu. he's bored and irritated. he's horny and "misses me". i'm such an idiot. i'll never be strong enough to truly leave him. it's like a lifetime movies for women movie where i've had ever chance to leave and never taken it because i'm afraid. nothing will ever change with him. he is what he is. why can't i just get that through my thick head. the worst is not so much the pain of the split but the glimmer of hope that he will change and the crash and burn that follows when he lets me down. why do i care so much? what's wrong with me?
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dayglowpink
post Feb 4 2009, 06:14 PM
Post #729


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


After I'd been doing pretty well the past few days with moving on mentally, he txts me today saying "I'm freaking out. I miss our life together." Waaaah! It stirred me up again, but even though he's saying that, it doesn't mean anything real. He had sent me a myspace message (in reply to a lot of upset and crazy txts I'd been sending him) a couple of days ago that was actually really nice and quite rational about our relationship, our feelings for each other, and how the breakup was for the best, etc., etc. But now this. Oh well, he's always been the king of mixed signals.
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zoya
post Feb 1 2009, 09:47 AM
Post #730


uh huh.
***
Posts: 1,818
From: the world.


R called me yesterday afternoon. I didn't call him back until it was into the early evening - I thought he was calling to ask me to come to his gig last night and I didn't really know what to say, so I just didn't call him. Finally I called back, he didn't answer, and i just left a message. I was on my way to meet up with some girlfriends like 20 minutes later, and went to call one of them, and accidentally dialed him (he's right above her in my phonebook) oops. He answered, and I just had to say "oh-hey! I thought I was calling S!" He was at a friends, sounded like there was a party going on, It was a bit weird, because it was really loud at first and I couldn't hear him - I kinda wish I'd just said I'd let him get back to his friends, but he moved to another room where it was quiet and we ended up talking for a few minutes - he just asked what I'd been up to, and I asked the same. etc. He didn't mention anything about a gig happening last night, so either it got cancelled or he just didn't tell me.

The biggest reason I even called him back was because I thought he had a gig and was calling to see if I was going to come. His music is super important to him, and out of respect to that I was calling him back. If I'd known that wasn't the case, I'd not have called back. Or waited for a good long time to call him. I feel like he just called to check in - to dip his toe in the pool when he felt like it to make sure I'm still around.... as a friend, of course. Asking what I'm up to, but not actually asking me to do anything, etc.. that kind of thing. And I know the dynamic, because I've been on the other side of it - wanting to check in with someone to kind of placate yourself that they're still somehow connected with you, even if it is by a tiny thread- and even if you have other stuff going on and don't want them to be around in first person in your world.

At the end of the call, he said he would call me soon and we'd have a proper chat. But I somehow need to tell him I can't do this. I can't be friends - and the things is, what he's doing isn't even friends. It's more like he's having his cake and eating it too. He gets to break things off with me and do all the stuff he wants to do, and also feel that I'm here and ok with it all, because he can check in whenever. But I'm not. I didn't want this. I like him. I wanted to keep going and seeing where things went. It wasn't my decision to end things. It was all his. I feel if I let him just keep checking whenever he feels like it, then I'm selling myself out, because I'm just showing him that it's ok with me. it's hard because we run in the same circles and have a lot of the same friends and I am going to run into him - which is why I think I need to somehow let him know, rather than just blowing him off. I don't know. yuck. Fuck fuck fuck.


ETA: GT, I know what you mean about being happy in a relationship. I've always been in relationships until the last 4 years. For the last 4 years, I have been on my own, and for the first time in my life, have become happy by authoring my own life. I have a great set of friends, live in a place I love, etc and I did that on my own, not meeting people through a partner, not moving here because of a partner, etc. I think that was totally necessary for me. I feel more ready now than ever to be in a relationship because I have become happy in a different way than I ever have been before. (although right now, I'm not very happy, but you know what I mean) That said, like you, I like being in a relationship. I like just simply hanging out with someone who is copasetic. But I think that because of getting my shit together on my own, I will be able to have a better relationship, when that happens.
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girltrouble
post Feb 1 2009, 04:51 AM
Post #731


new highs in personal lows daily!
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Posts: 4,307
From: wherever ink is put in skin...


i hung out with daddy/mr.t last night. the last couple of times it's been really great. it's almost as if we hit the reset button and went back to our best selves. she makes me laugh, i make her laugh, and we tell each other we miss and love each other. i wasn't expecting it this soon. the hard part is not wanting to get back together. when i told my friend tiff i was going to see a movie with mr. t she was quick on the trigger: "are you guys back together?" no. she just got fired, and i want to help take her mind off of things. "oh. ok." i do miss her tho. but i know that if we get back together, i might as well get married, and that's not what i need. plus, i have to remind myself that there are reasons i broke up with her. and yeah, it sucks not having a SO, when i know i am happiest in a relationship, but i need to get my shit together, and i'll never do that unless i'm on my own. i've been slowly re doing my apt, which has been more than 10 years in the making, so i can't look back now...

but i miss having my weekends booked, doing absolutely nothing with her. i miss that even hanging around driving or picking food from the garden was the funnest thing ever with her.

i think that one of tiff's friends might have been kinda hitting on me too. hmmmm.....


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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dayglowpink
post Jan 31 2009, 10:30 PM
Post #732


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


Thanks, persiflager. My mom and step-dad live nearby, and I've been spending a lot of time with them, and I'm out of town this weekend at my best friends' house and visiting other friends. So I do have some support, but the emptiness is still there even when I'm with other people.

Today I've been all about regrets and questioning my decisions. I don't know if I'm just feeling sad and lonesome or truly unhappy with the decision, but all I can think about is that I wish I hadn't done it so rashly and I wish I'd taken more time to see if we could work it out. I'm trying to remember that if things ever change and it could work out, it wouldn't have to happen right this minute. I know it might just be silly wishful thinking, but if we ever did get back together it could be anytime, maybe far into the future. Or maybe we never will, and I would still be okay. I'm trying to remember that this is the right decision for me right now. But I miss him so much.
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Persiflager
post Jan 29 2009, 06:26 AM
Post #733


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 721
From: Babylon


((((dayglowpink))))

Have you got a friend or relative who could come round and cook you dinner, or whose house you could stay at for a couple of days? Any Busties in your area? It'll make it easier to cope if you've someone nice taking care of you. Rally the troops!

((((LMP))))

You are very strong, and doing really well at taking things one step at a time.


--------------------
“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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dayglowpink
post Jan 28 2009, 09:14 PM
Post #734


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


Today's been a rough day. I'm hurting really bad right now. I miss him so much. I just want to see him and talk to him and have everything be okay. It was my first day at work since we broke up, and I kept breaking down and starting to cry throughout the day. I'm a nurse, and I work with kids, and it's not always possible to get away to a private place, so it was tough. Then I had to come home to a cold, dark house when usually he'd be at home making dinner for us. He's picking up our Doberman tomorrow and getting the rest of his stuff while I'm gone teaching, so I'm anticipating another rough time when I get home. I can't stop crying, and even though I mentally know I will get through this, the pain seems too much to bear right now, and I don't know how I will do it.
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dayglowpink
post Jan 27 2009, 09:20 AM
Post #735


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


Thanks so much to everyone. My guy isn't a complete asshole as I'm sure he sounds. It's just a sad situation. No one can control who they love, and I know for sure that he has no malicious intentions towards me. He never did anything behind my back or against any of the agreements we had established, and he was always 100% honest with me, and it came as a total shock to him, too. He cared very deeply about me, and we both learned and grew from the relationship. I made the choice to stay with him, and I take responsibility for my role, too. We had a really deep talk last night, and he spent the night, and I know it's truly over now, but I feel like it was on the best possible terms. I'm still really sad, of course, and I know he is, too, but I feel like I can accept this and that I will get through it. I know there will be times that I won't see the end and will be thinking negatively, but I will get through it. I've survived breakups much worse than this before, and I've gotten a lot of strength from reading this thread and knowing others have, too. I just hope that there's someone out there for me who will love me in the way I really need! We decided to split up the dogs, and I'm happy with that decision, too. Even though I'll be devastated to lose one of them, caring for both of them by myself would be a lot to handle, and it makes sense. Thanks to everyone, and lots of love to LMP.
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ketto
post Jan 26 2009, 07:47 PM
Post #736


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 695
From: Winter Land


((((dayglow)))) ((((pugs))))

I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer my support. It's been a while since I've popped into this thread and I can remember how my heart ached so much when I used it. I hope you both take care of yourselves first.


--------------------
Meow.
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culturehandy
post Jan 26 2009, 12:35 PM
Post #737


(o)(o)
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Posts: 11,350
From: Oh boobs


It's hard when you've been in a relationship for so long, people start to define themselves as a "we" not and "you" and "me". Pugs, GT is so right, there is so much more to you than a relationship, yes, it's so very hard. GGG is right, jsut cry when you need to.

Don't even do things day by day, some of the best adivse I got when I broke up with psycho ex was to take things hour by hour.

and don't write all people off because this one didn't work out. Hun, I've had men turn me down, break my heart, all sorts of shit like that, and damn if I don't just pick myself up and move on and I don't let it ruin it for the next person. You can't punish people because something didn't work out. Right now, the most important thing is healing YOU.

YOU are the most important person to YOU right now. If you aren't watching out for yourself, then who will?

Dayglow, what a cockwad.

He's never been in love with me, which I knew the whole time, but he always said that he was still in love with his ex and that would be the only person he'd ever love like that.

Wow. Just wow. YOU deserve to be loved by someone who loves you so much it shakes them to their foundation, to their core.

((((Pugs and dayglow))))

I'll tell you about my break up, in a nutshell. I was involved with someone for 6 years, we lived together. Well one day I called him, he said don't be surprised if when you get home my stuff is gone. uhhh, okay. I get home, and sure as shit his stuff was gone. he took off and couldn't even tell me to my face. We did have a dog, too...anyways, the next day I try and go and talk to him, he tried to push me down a flight of stairs, so things happend, next thing you know the fuzz is at my door. Anyhows...I was over him in 4 days. I have never felt better in my life. The point is, that YOU will get over him, you will feel better. You will experience freedom, you will learn about yourself, you will like yourself more and you will see that this person was just not right for you and you will meet someone some time. Will it hurt, of fuck yes, but every day you will feel a little bit better, and one day you are going to wake up and realize that the pain is gone and you feel good. You are both strong beautiful women, take time to mourn what you lost, but also take time to learn about yourself and treat yourself like the queen you are.



--------------------
Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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girlygirlgag
post Jan 26 2009, 12:12 PM
Post #738


Super BadAss
***
Posts: 705
From: Your mom's house.


Oh pugs, I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I know that heart ache and I know how hard you tried to make it work. I know the sense of loss and failure you feel...

But the truth is this: It gets easier and it gets better. Nobody failed here. Nobody is "bad" or defective.

Please take tender care of yourself. Cry.


dayglowpink: from what you have described, and I don't want to sound mean, but I am so glad that you are not with that man anymore. Any man that will dangle his feelings for another woman in front of you, like some prize you have to work for, to knock her out of first place, is a real shit.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that... and this:
QUOTE
He says he wants his and my relationship to continue, because it's the most stable relationship he's ever been in, and he wants to follow his head rather than his heart.


What a horrible, using, mean, mean, mean, human being.

Take the dogs and kick his selfish ass to the curb.... Also, don't forget to remind him that he lost you and the other woman he loves because he doesn't deserve the love of any woman, and that he is a rat.


--------------------
Constantly on.
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girltrouble
post Jan 26 2009, 10:52 AM
Post #739


new highs in personal lows daily!
***
Posts: 4,307
From: wherever ink is put in skin...


ich pugs, you are assuming there is nothing left for you. like there is no life out there waiting for you-- but there is. there is a life that has been waiting for you all these years. all those things you've been curious about are waiting for you to explore them... they are waiting for you to fall in love with them, to be passionate about them, to let them take you down new roads, to show you new experiences that you've been too tied into your relationship to see.

and you are talking like there is no one out there who will love you. you'll die when he finds someone new? really? so they can sit and watch him play video games all night and ignore them? tch. you can do without that, and all of the other things that made mr.pugs mr. wrong. just die when he finds someone else? are you kidding? you were saying a week ago that you knew you would not just survive but thrive. where is that girl? where is that brave, smart, big hearted pugs that i adore? i know she's in there....

what if you find someone? someone who wants to worship with you, but is kinky in a way that suits you just fine. what if you find someone who feeds your soul, and builds you up?

i'm sorry pugs, you are having a hard time and i get that, but FUCK looking at him as if he is the gold standard. i know you don't want to hear it, but i wont let you pretend that things were good with him. you are breaking up for a good reason. for several good reasons. and you need to STOP looking at him and thinking about what he's got and look at what you've got-- and that is a bright, exciting future. you're graduating soon, and the things in front of you are full of promise.


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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LoveMyPugs
post Jan 26 2009, 07:25 AM
Post #740







dayglowpink - we have two dogs too. i'm keeping them.

i'm drinking myself stupid tonight and going to bed as soon as i walk in the door. he left this morning for work. no kiss, no hug not even a goodbye. i cried in the shower. i'm crying right now. buckets and buckets of tears. my heart hurts so badly. how do little old people get past loosing their husband or wife. how can their bodies handle it. how will i get through the day today without crying at work. i have the darkest bags under my eyes. i'm going to move away when this is over. i'm going to find a job someplace far away and move away. i'll just die when he finds someone else. i won't be able to make it. i won't.
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