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> Maybe Baby?, For people on the fence about parenthood
dayglowpink
post Dec 23 2009, 05:26 PM
Post #41


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(((samiam))) I know you know that I understand how you feel. I can't say anything to make it better, but just know that there are others of us out there experiencing the same things. I also have only had 3 major relationships in my life, and my current BF is the longest (we've been together about 3 years). I will be 34 in two months, and I also would prefer to start trying to get pregnant when I'm no older than 35. Have you guys thought about couples therapy?
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samiam
post Dec 21 2009, 12:00 PM
Post #42


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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this forum!!! I am in the midst of a crisis about this very topic, and it HURTS!!!

I am going to be 34 next month. I have been with my boyfriend, with whom I live, for a year and a half, and I have always felt that he is the one. I want a kid. I have always wanted a kid. In fact, it's the only thing in life I KNOW I will be good at. I want to start trying in a year, when I am 35. He is on the fence about children at all, and thinks that I am a bitch for even asking. I don't know what to do. He says he is not ready in the next year or two to even think about it. I NEED to know that it will happen in the next few years. I am 34 fucking years old!!!! He has every rational, logical reason why children are a bad idea - money, time, environmental impact on the earth, etc. He has every reason to think kids are a drag - after all, almost everyone he knows with kids is a shitty parent and ended up with kids out of spite and drunken instability.

So, here I am. Do I leave, and hope to find someone I like and who wants to have kids, or do I stay and hope he comes around? I am not the kind of girl who hops from relationship to relationship. I have had three major relationships in my adult life, all about a year and a half long. Every single guy I have ever been involved with for any amount of time is now married and starting a family. I feel like a crazy old lady who no one wants. I feel like used goods.

A sperm donor is starting to look good.
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dayglowpink
post Dec 20 2009, 01:35 PM
Post #43


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likeanyother and kittenb- I totally feel you. I am still really struggling with all this stuff. I have had to admit to myself and my BF that I really do want to have a baby and that I hadn't been honest about this throughout our relationship. I had always told him that I was unsure about it and that I would be okay with not having a kid. I think the whole time, though, I would have jumped at the chance if he had been into the idea. I know a lot of this is mine to deal with, but I just wish so much that he was excited about it and ready to make plans, but he is still unsure. We are in couples therapy now, but we have so many other issues to work on that this hasn't even come up yet. There are always the practical downsides to having kids, and I agree that it can't really be a rational decision. I guess it's always going to involve taking a risk. I am just so terrified that I am running out of time and that the longer I wait the harder it will be for me to get pregnant, the greater the chance of problems, etc. Or that I will end up on my own and getting artificially inseminated or something. I really don't want to be a single mom, but at this point it feels like I would do it if it were my only option a couple of years down the road.
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nickclick
post Dec 17 2009, 02:52 PM
Post #44


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deli, thanks for your perspective. you sound like you have a terrific outlook on parenthood and are doing a great job!

i can offer a perspective as an only child. my mother had a few miscarriages before and after me and when i was about 3 she had a hysterectomy. so my parents would have liked other children, if that means anything. anyway, growing up as an only was good as far as getting attention and not having to share and all that. my own room, no hand-me-downs, no fighting, etc. in high school i felt a pressure to be a super student, and even as a young adult i tried not to disappoint my parents too much (or at least hide what might disappoint them). because i was their one and only shot at a perfect kid. my bff growing up was one of 6 kids. she was the smart one, her sister was the funny one, her one brother was the athletic one, etc. i felt like i had no room for screwing up. my parents aren't particularly demanding; it was mostly self-imposed. in the last few years i've come to peace with it a bit and learned how to handle being myself around my parents more.

now that my parents are AARP members, i'm a bit afraid of handling what's to come all alone. i mean i have mr.nick and everything, and he luckily has 2 siblings who are both lovely and we're all close with. and i have a close-knit extended fam that i can rely on. but i guess i still have that self-imposed pressure to be a good kid.
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eyelet
post Dec 16 2009, 10:31 PM
Post #45


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I've been lurking from time to time over in the childfree by choice thread and here because I'm interested in hearing the perspectives. Six months ago I had my first (and only) child and I am now in that "throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-bus-to-protect-them" love that Delibelly refers to. I just turned 43 in September, so in some ways I feel like I lived a whole adult life one way, and am now living another one in a whole new way.

I too could have done without pregnancy and childbirth, but this relationship I'm having with my daughter is the most soulful, straight-to-my-core connection I've ever had. And I've had some amazing loves.

I don't see kids as just germ-ridden, tantrum throwing, life-disruptors any more than I see adults as all the one dimensional traits they may have. Children are just as varied in personality as adults. The difference is that they can still be influenced to become really amazing people. Most adults are pretty much who they will always be.

For what it's worth, I'm glad I didn't have my daughter in my 20's. I personally wasn't ready, but a lot of people are. My 30's would have been ideal, but I'm enjoying my geriatric parenthood nonetheless.

Delibelly-you really have captured how I feel about parenting amazingly well. Thanks for that. I think if you decide to have another child, he or she will fit into your life as though they were always supposed to be there and you will adapt and recover (probably more quickly than the first time). But if you decide to stop at one, don't second guess yourself too badly. Your gut is a good guide.
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delibelly
post Dec 16 2009, 06:13 PM
Post #46


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Hey all,

I thought I'd post here from a different perspective. Maybe give some helpful advice, while looking for some at the same time.

On having children: I had my son 4 1/2 years ago. It changed me hugely, as anyone would expect. For me, it was a change for the better. Having him forced me to be stronger woman, made me a more patient woman, made me care more about everything. I am forced to be a better person because I know he is looking to me as an example. I would never want to go back to who I was before, even if I miss some of the freedoms I had before.

Taking care of a kid is hard work (duh). But really harder than you can truely appreciate until you're doing it. And it's not intellectually stimulating. It can be really dreary, boring, repetitive, frustrating, thankless hard work. The trade off seems to be love. Like, throw-yourself-in-front- of- a-bus-to-protect-them love. Which is awesome.

And pregnancy and giving birth is the worst. Natural childbirth was the worst torment I have ever experienced. During labour I was remembering a torture victem I had once heard do a talk, and I was thinking "Hmmm. Electric shocks...that would be a piece of cake." But then you sometimes meet those women who love pregnancy and squeeze one out in 15 minutes. "Oh, I've had periods that hurt worse." I hate them.

So. To sum up. Having a kid was the best thing I ever did, but I can't imagine why any sane person would do it. I guess the decision to have a child (or another child) is not a logical one. I think if you know yourself very well, and you're pretty sure that having a child would not make you resentful for life, or trigger any major psychological baggage then you should go for it. The minute you have a child all the detritus of life seems unimportant, and if it is important then you make it work. Women finishing Phds manage, single moms manage, poor folks manage, young parents manage, old parents manage, and are able to raise happy healthy well adjusted kids.

Which brings me to my issue. I don't know whether I should have another. My son is 4 1/2, so I feel like it's kind of now or never. I'm really enjoying getting my life and potential new career back on track and, as I've elaborated on, early childhood is not easy. I like my son's growing independence. I like having a free moment to myself from time to time. I like going to the gym and feeling sexy again. I miss cuddling. I miss innocence. I miss feeling like I knew how to handle things (it's so easy when they don't have their own opinion.) When I pictured having a family I always imagined more than one, but the older my son gets the harder it is to go back to the beginning again. Maybe I hate the "idea" of the only child more than the reality, you know? I flip-flop daily.

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ketto
post Dec 16 2009, 12:32 PM
Post #47


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I didn't mean to give the impression that I wanted to have kids now. I absolutely 100% for sure, no doubt in my mind DO NOT want to have any kids anytime in at least the next 3-5 years. It's just weird that all of a sudden I'm realizing I'm at the age where it could happen and that I definitely feel that urge when I see and hold babies. More so I was just musing that if I were to find myself pregnant (which I pray to whoever that I DO NOT!!!!) that now I'm at a stage where keeping it wouldn't seem so crazy.

I think I definitely have a different perspective from a lot of the people posting in this thread because I'm younger and feel like I've just entered the stage where my life is stable enough that I could support a kid if I had to. Having friends who are getting pregnant definitely gets you thinking about it more. Paperboy and I are no where near talking about having kids and I think he'd be terrified at the prospect right now (he's younger than me).


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kittenb
post Dec 16 2009, 08:41 AM
Post #48


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It is nice to hear that many women are in the same place I am in. I know that I want to have a baby and, at 36, I worry that my chances are getting smaller. I am with the man I want to have a baby with. He knows what I want, he is less sure what he wants. Part of the problem is that we have a pretty good life. He has his hobbies, I have grad school. We don't have a ton of money but do okay considering I don't work. We don't talk about it much although I make comments regularly about our future child. I understand everyone here who said that ending this relationship on the off chance that I could meet someone else as fantastic and have a child with that person does not make sense nor does the thought make me happy.
One thing I know is that I will not get married until we have this settled. I don't know if he is planning on proposing anytime soon but we will have this issue settled before we get married.


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likeanyother
post Dec 16 2009, 06:10 AM
Post #49


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I'm in a very similar situation to the one dayglowpink posted about earlier, I'm curious if anything has happened or changed in your situation. I just turned 30 and while for a long time I was never entirely sure if I wanted to go the kids/family route, lately I've been thinking so much about it and I really yearn for it. It's probably partly biological and partly due to the fact that I'm currently in Asia teaching kindergarteners and I just love them so much. I'm here with my boyfriend, we've been together over 3 years now, and he's two years younger than me. While he hasn't entirely ruled out wanting a family at some point in the distant future, he has explicitly told me that he is nowhere near ready to have kids, let alone make a huge commitment to me (i.e. marriage).

It sucks because I am so close to being ready for all that, and I really really want it to be with him. He's totally the love of my life and the thought of dumping him for the slim possiblity that I could find someone else I feel the same way about, and who is ready for kids and marriage, all before my biological clock runs out, is just really unappealing. I mean, the chances of that happening are so small that I can easily envision never finding anyone else and totally regretting dumping someone I truly love for the unknown. But then again, what if I stay with him and he never does 'come around' and make a commitment to me? I can also envision my window for having a family passing right by and always regretting never really going after something I really want. ugh. Such a shitty place to be in. Perhaps this is more of a relationship problem than a “Maybe Baby” problem, since I know what I want and he doesn't. But, it's all tied together and messy and upsetting and confusing, I just needed to get it out there
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nickclick
post Dec 15 2009, 03:53 PM
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my mom was 31 and i grew up thinking she was SO OLD when she had me.... i don't know when i'll ever feel grown-up enough. mr.nick and i both feel like we could chill and wait 5 years or more for baby time. but at 34 i know that my days (aka eggs) are numbered. and our energy levels as well. did you know that after 35 a pregnancy is termed a geriatric pregnancy? gah.

unless you and paperboy are having a state of the union-planning for the future-make or break kinda discussion, i don't think that you need to decide right now which side of the fence you're on. just because you may be in the same place in your life as others who are popping out booger machines doesn't mean you that should be. i say keep thinking on it and in the meantime keep on the bc.

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ketto
post Dec 15 2009, 09:16 AM
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Nick, I think that's my thing. Right now, it would feel like a chore. When I think about it logically all that comes to mind is crying babies, sleepless nights, and a lot of chaos. But that urge has definitely arrived and it's kind of scary because I'm not really very old. Just so weird to think about. Most of the time I still feel like I'm 16 but then I get that reality check where I go...no wait, I'm a uni graduate, working in my chosen career, living with my partner, and I have friends who are married and pregnant.

This is a bit of a derail, but y'know how when you're a kid you just think your parents knew it all? My parents were married when my mom was my age and it's a strange reality check when I realize that she probably felt just as much of a kid as I did when she got married. I guess I have all these thoughts floating around because paperboy and I just moved in together.


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nickclick
post Dec 14 2009, 02:51 PM
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i went from being so sure that i didn't want them to being pretty sure that i do. and that changed when i really felt comfortable with my job goals, my salary, and my whereabouts. i'm now 34 and don't have kids. also being around friends who seemed just as immature as me becoming successful and happy parents made the idea not so foreign or poopy diapers seem so scary. i am in no way saying that as we get older that we absolutely change our minds. just saying that's what happened to me.

but i can't say i know about the urge. i know logically that i want to have my own family with my husband and to raise children to be cool adults. i do get a bit weepy when i see my friends' children exhibit characteristics of thair parents, especially those friends that i've known since we've been kids. but honestly, pregnancy looks like a chore and i've never felt a preggy belly and wished it my own.
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ketto
post Dec 14 2009, 09:22 AM
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I'm at a weird stage in my life now. I know this thread was created for people who aren't sure about parenthood, but what about those of us who aren't sure about parenthood right now? I know that I want to have kids some day but i'm only 24. The reason it's been on my mind so much lately is two of my friends are currently pregnant (one is going through with it and one is not).

Since paperboy and I have now been in a relationship for over a year, we both have steady jobs, and we live together in a 2 bedroom apartment, we're really at a different space than we were a year ago. About a year ago, when paperboy and I had only been together 3 months and were both living at home we discussed what would happen if i ever got pregnant. I'm not really worried about any accidents because I've had multiple partners and I've been on some form of birth control since I was 18 and I've never had so much as a scare. However, I know as well as anyone that accidents do happen. Since our situation is so different from a year ago I guess I'm just thinking about what my options would be.

It's also weird to think that I have at least one friend who will have a baby in just a few months. Just a year or two ago I was so sure I wouldn't want to have kids for about 10 years but now I'm in my mid-20's and it suddenly seems like a reality that might not be all that far away. It's just weird to think about.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, I think part of this stream of consciousness has to do with the fact that I'm a little nervous to tell paperboy that I DON'T know what I'll do if I did happen to accidentally get pregnant. I have no issues with abortion, and in fact until recently I was always 99% sure that's what I'd do - I'm still young, I still have lots that I'd like to do, from watching my brother I know how hard it is to have a kid before you're ready. But I'm in a position where I could probably actually take care of a baby. I love babies but I also love being able to give them back to their parents. At the same time, I definitely feel "the urge" - something that I'm feeling for the first time in my life.

Has anyone else suddenly been bombarded with the baby urge even though you know you're not ready yet?


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raisingirl
post Nov 19 2009, 11:50 AM
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RV, in my family, the question is voiced very loudly by certain people who end up driving me up the wall and speechless. Imagine several 20/30somethings in a family, half with children and half without. It's kind of torture to be around them all at once. (on the other hand, during a recent visit a toddler in the family immediately sat in my lap and held my hand within a few minutes of seeing me -- only my second time seeing him ever, so v. cute)
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roseviolet
post Oct 28 2009, 09:28 AM
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Glad to see this thread bounce up again.

So I just got back from a week-long visit to my hometown, where I got to see lots of old friends and LOTS of babies. Tons of cute little kids. All of them are blonde, too, which is a little odd, but the oddest thing is that all of these kids LOVED me. Even the shy ones were happy to hug me and give me kisses. It was nice to see that the kids weren't scared of me, which is my biggest concern (Nothing ends a good time like an unhappy toddler), but mainly I'm happy that so many of my friends ended up with such happy, well-mannered kids.

I'm still in that position where I don't feel any flutters in my gut when I see babies, nor do I feel a strong urge to reach out and hold my friends' children. Instead, the thing that touches me the most is just watching the way my dear old friends behave with their kids. I spent most of Sunday hanging out with K, who was my best friend from 6th to 12th grade. I guess we've known each other for 22 years now. When it comes to deep-down personality, she's probably a closer match to me than just about anybody else I've ever met. And I just LOVE watching the way she is with her kids. You can tell she truly enjoys being with them and playing with them. And yet she doesn't let them define her. She and every other person in that house is clearly their own, unique, individual. What makes them a family is not just their genes, but their mutual love and respect for each other. It was wonderful (and fun, too!). I think that if I could be sure that my family would be like that, then I'd probably start planning to have kids within the next 2 years. Her household just felt right to me. Only today did I realize that it probably felt right because, of all of my friends' families, K's house reminded me the most of my own parents' house and what life was like for me when I was a kid.

The only thing that can be difficult about being around all of those kids is that people can't help but wonder why I don't have any kids of my own yet. Even if the question is never voiced aloud, you can feel it hanging silently in the air.
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dayglowpink
post Oct 28 2009, 06:38 AM
Post #56


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Yes, I have a few friends with kids. My best friends have a 10 year old, and I was there with him and helped take care of him since birth. I also have been working with kids and their families in my job for about 6 years, so I am pretty familiar. smile.gif I actually have kind of the opposite of what you are saying. I dread the birthday parties and school decisions and practical aspects of it in a way. That stuff is part of what is negative about it rationally. I really think it's just the biological urge for me and also the desire to experience the feelings that are associated with having a child. Due to some things that have been going on between me and BF, I think he might come around, actually. Weird. We are trying to get into couples therapy so we can figure some of this stuff out.
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nickclick
post Oct 20 2009, 07:44 AM
Post #57


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dayglow, do you have a friend or two with kids you could talk to? sometimes i fear that the desire for cuteness of baby clothes, toy shopping and birthday parties influence my desire to have kids more than the realities of child-rearing.
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dayglowpink
post Sep 28 2009, 10:09 AM
Post #58


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I have been struggling so much with the baby question lately. Over the past few months it has really been on my mind. I have been feeling like I do want to have a baby, but it just doesn't seem feasible with the decisions I've made in my life. I don't talk to my boyfriend about it much, because I already know how he feels, but I mentioned it during a talk last night, because I have been so depressed thinking about it. His response was "I don't know what to tell you", and that was pretty much it. He's not willing to consider the possibility, I guess. It's hard, because I know he was open to it in the past with prior relationships but not anymore. The thought of breaking up with him for the remote possibility that I would meet someone else before I run out of time seems overwhelming. I think about the two abortions I have had and how at the time I worried that I wouldn't have the chance to have kids later in my life, and I can't believe that might be coming true. Back then people told me that would be a crazy reason to choose not to have an abortion, and maybe it would be, but just thinking back to that and seeing myself where I am now with no realistic prospect of being able to have a baby brings a huge lump into my throat and makes my heart ache.
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angie_21
post Aug 30 2009, 03:12 PM
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You can add me to the list of failed vegetarians, and uncertain CBC-ers. I don't think I'm old enough to call myself CBC, because I'm only 25 and, well, you just never know how things will turn out. I can totally see why they would feel betrayed by their friends having children after claiming to be adamantly CBC for a long time, because it's frustrating when there's so few people out there to sympathize with your lifestyle choice. But I was never a hard-core vegetarian, and if my friends had children, I know I'd absolutely love them. My personal feelings are that in the whole concept of CBC, the focus should be more on the choice than the child-free. People should have children because they truly want to, it is a major life decision and shouldn't be taken lightly. The whole concept that you even can be CBC gives people the freedom to wait longer to make that decision, and if they do want children, it also gives them the time to find the right person to have those children with. Imagine if you had children with the first person you were serious with after high school, the way it was done in the 50's! Ick, what a nightmare.

Don't be scared, Rose! It's weird, there's these 2 completely different paths your life could take, how could you ever decide? But if it's that hard to decide, doesn't it mean that either one could be really good? Neither one will be wrong or bad, they are just different. Whichever one you decide, you will be able to make the best of it - just don't decide to do something you know you don't really want, just because you feel you should.

I know exactly how you feel, though. My sweetie and I are just getting to the stage where we in almost exactly the same life position, except I would probably have to work part-time, and due to the economic instability, both of us are very nervous about job security at the moment. But we both have the education and skills to pay the bills in one way or another, we're very comfortable and have no debt other than our mortgage and a small student loan. It sometimes feels like we must be selfish to not want to have kids (or foster kids - an even harder decision!) when we know we could provide them a good home. But there's always something. We don't want to live in Alberta forever. I know I might want to go back to school sometime in the next few years. and I've just never seen myself as a mother. We've talked about it in the past, when it didn't matter because we lived in a shitty apartment and I was still in school, but we skirt around the issue now and generally avoid it. He doesn't want kids now, I think he feels like he's too old (almost 35), but he sometimes also kinda does, and he also feels really guilty that it means his parents would never have grandchildren.

I did have the biological urge, once. It was so weird. Right when I started going out with my currect boyfriend, we were deep in the crazy-lovey-sex-every-night phase of the relationship, completely head over heels with all the hormones wreaking havoc on my brain, and we went to visit his friends who had 2 adorable kids I hadn't met yet. When we got to their house, one of the little girls saw us coming and came racing out of the house and leaped into my sweetie's arms, all yelling and excited that he had come to visit. It was really freakin adorable, and watching how good he was with the kids that evening and how much they adored him, I was hit with the weirdest feeling for him, like, I need to have you babies right now! It was really strong and really unsettling, since I'd never remotely felt like that before. Thank god that never happened again.
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candycane_girl
post Aug 28 2009, 08:00 AM
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It's funny that you say that rose, because I've actually been a vegetarian who decided to go back to eating meat. tongue.gif

One of the other reasons that I post in CBC is because it's the only thread on here that addresses the ridiculousness of some parents today. Things like helicopter parenting (they are always hovering over their kids!), the parents who bargain with their kids just to get them to eat supper, people who become parents and lose their identity and of course, the idea that any woman who doesn't want kids is a baby hating nazi.

Even if I have kids, I don't intend on turning into one of those people. I think there's a huge issue in society right now with people treating their kids like royalty and not disciplining them because they'd rather be friends with little Suzy or Johnny than be a true parent.

So basically, that's why I post in CBC. It's really the only place to discuss our baby crazed culture.
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