[starpiste]

"Mindful way through depression" is what I'm reading now. I'm not far in enough to give my opinions, but my last therapist recommended it. The first 20 pages are depressing because all that's discussed is how easy and common relapse is, but once I got past that part it was better. It also comes with a CD in the back with mindfulness exercises.

When my anxiety started I worked through "the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" (by Edmund Bourne). I found a lot of it really helpful and there are similar books on depression if the workbook approach appeals to you.

I also really like "Fearless Living" by Rhonda Britten. It's a little flightly and targeted to 30-something suburbanites, but there's something about the way she writes that appeals to me. Similar in message is "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffries, it's more grounded.

My mom came to move the furniture with me and it was better than I though. The one piece of furniture that had me really nervous was taken right to the dump and I didn't have to touch it. That helped.

Edited to add stuff about books: I recommend the library. They usually have a big and if you hate the book you just take it back half read. If I LOVE a book, I'll then go buy it. Or, if you want to buy spend an hour or so at the book store so you can gather a pile of books, sit down and go through them. Read the first chapter, go through the contents. It takes time but you're more likely to find end up with something that works for you.

[stargazer]

Mindful Way Through Depression


Feeling Good


Undoing Depression


Here are some books that have gotten favorable comments Olivarria. I think someone mentioned another book in this thread too, but I couldn't find it.

I hope this helps you.


(((morn))) It sounds like you have a plan in place.

(((starpiste))) So sorry to hear about the anxiety. Can anyone be there with you for support when you get your furniture out of storage. Especially with your concern about bugs.

(((lan))) i'm glad you are feeling ok. that's sucks about your old job. how horrible. thankfully, you are not there anymore.

as for me, i am feeling better. i only get the blues occasionally. i think working out is helping me to slowly get out of my depression.

[olivarria]

Starpiste would you mind throwing out some names of good self-help books for depression? There are so many out there, I'm not sure where to start!

[starpiste]

When I was in school and relapsed, I got a deferral from my faculty advising office for all my paper deadlines. I needed a doctors note saying I was having on-going issues, but basically a letter was sent to all my instructors saying I was having issues and that I would be coming to see them to arrange deadline extension. That made it much easier to go to them, know I didn't have to really explain anything.

Tonight I am going to take the last of my furniture out of storage. Tt's the last major remnant of a horrible and abusive break-up and the bed-bug infestation that caused a major downturn in my life last year. I'm happy to get the last of the stuff dealt with from a financial perceptive, but I am totally freaked out about the bugs to the point that that idea of touching the furniture is causing quite a bit of anxiety. It marks the first and only time I've ever felt suicidal and that hospitalization might be my only option. The idea of repeating that is very scary.

[lananans]

(((Olivarria))) it sounds like you are taking the right steps, keep us updated.

((mornington)) once you get settled maybe things will be a bit better... I find that I get pretty bad when a big change is taking place. Also, all the rowing exercise will help, I used to row, and I still can't find something that is quite the same!

I've been kind of lethargic and lying around the house for the last couple of days because of the whole quitting my job after being belittled about my appearance.. but I was saying to my boyfriend last night, it's more of a normal sad than a depressive sad. In the past this probably would have set me off, but I think I'm handling it okay for now, which is good.

(hugs) to everyone who needs them.

[mornington]

((((olivarria)))) I'm so glad to hear you sounding better. I know how you feel about the classes, they're definitely what helps me - if nothing else, they force me to leave the house and be awake. On the classes - and your social worker could advise you, especially if she's connected to the university - I'd ask that the class convener/marker/main lecturer is made aware that you are having health issues; you don't have to go into the issues other than say "if you have any questions please speak to Ms Social Worker" and it will make it easier should you need a deadline extension or miss a class. I hatehatehate having to do it, but it does make it easier if you have to ask for an extension because you've already made them aware. Does that make sense? I think I'm rambling...


I have finally, finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist to have my meds looked at - I'm back in therapy and having to force myself not to run screaming (opening old wounds = not fun) and I'm hoping that as both the psychiatrist and the therapist are attached to my university it will make things easier; getting in to see a therapist (let alone a psychiatrist) on the nhs takes years so this is real progress. At the moment I'm just trying to settle back into classes and rowing and teaching without getting overloaded or too worried.

[pollystyrene]

((olivarria)) I'm glad to hear you've taken some steps to getting better! It sounds like therapy, in whatever form, as much as possible would be good for you; obviously, taking classes is helping you get through this- could you take a lighter class load so you're still there, but with less pressure? Can you audit your classes?

Do whatever YOU need to do to help YOU get better. You said you're going to a university therapist or social worker? Building a support structure is really crucial and maybe they'd have some ideas of other groups you can get involved in.

I hope you find a way to balance all of that! If it makes you happy and keeps you in touch, it's a good thing, though!

[olivarria]

Thank you, everyone who posted supportive messages - you have no idea how much it helps to know people care about you (even if they've never met you). I really need to make some friends and build a real suport system around me, but it's much easier said than done, especially with crippling social anxiety. What would I do without this lounge? i feel really bad for dumping here, but I just don't have many people in my life right now. I know two people in this city -my roommate (not very well), and my social worker. I've met the ACLU members once. I go whole days, sometimes more, without speaking to a single person sometimes! So I'm going to try and work on making friends when i'm feeling up to it.

I called the campus crisis line the other night and the on-call clinician just happened to be my social worker, so that worked out well. She strongly suggested that I think about dropping this semester and checking into a treatment center, but I told her I want to try some aggressive outpatient treatment. School is one thing I have to live for - i don't want to postpone my life. I want to get better so i can live it. Besides where will i go if i quit school until January - back to my parents? to working retail while waiting for next semester? that won't get me anywhere. She didn't hospitalize me because I have been having the feeling like i don't want to live anymore, but i have no intent to die or anything like that - I want to get better! I see a psychiatrist in a week so maybe we can tweak my medicines a little bit and that will help. *crosses fingers*

These depressive episodes are really scary to me, because I've had two previous suicide attempts (over five years ago) and have a genetic predisposition to mental illness. My social worker said I would most likely have to deal with it my entire life. I'm really fighting it very hard - I leave the house every day to eat and go to school, no matter how scared i am, and I'm not letting myself sleep all day (anymore). But for the last couple weeks I would say I've been a non-functioning person - like I'm totally faking life, trying to appear like I'm actually engaged. This weekend I am visiting my parents and I can barely wait - I'm so homesick! And I am staying very busy - I have therapy, 5 classes, academic coaching, dr. appts., ACLU meetings, possibly forming a pro-choice campus group, and trying to apply for volunteer work or a psychology internship. I'm trying to pace myself so i don't get too run down, so I might put off the volunteering/internship for a month or so. So i will keep posting and see how it goes. I am feeling a little better today - i haven't cried once today or had any suicidal thoughts since last night.

Again, thank you all so much for your thoughtful messages and advice. (((Hugs))) Tell me, how are you all doing this week?

[starpiste]

(((olivarria)))

Don't worry about our posts not being "pleasant". This thread is the perfect place for those posts and you should feel welcome to make as many as you need.

For the getting outside, it is worth doing everyday. However, I know that when I was fighting the worst of my agoraphobia going out onto actual streets was dangerous/embarrasing because I was so unfocused/crying. What I ended up doing was wondering around my apartment building hallways for like 10 minutes. I tried not to be focused on going out AND doing something - way too stressful. If all I got was out of my apartment for 10 minutes I considered it a success. Baby Steps.

How often are you seeing the therapist? It might be that for the first few weeks seeing her fairly often (like 2x a week) will be helpful.

oh, one last thing self-help books are awesome and not at all cheesy. However, finding one you like can be difficult because there are so many with such different approaches. Amazon.com has lots of reviews. Also, with every book you'll have to filter what what you respond well to from what you don't like so much. I'd be happy to recommend some stuff I personally liked (or didn't but came highly recommended). Your therapist can probably make good suggestions too.

[neurotic.nelly]

((((((((((((((((((((((((olivarria)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

please keep reaching out to BUSTies and/or the 1-800 lines. Now, I am sending you more virtual flowers with a little fairy doctor inside with the correct perscription of meds for you, and she always calls you right back.

I hope you reach your doctor soon, forreals. Big Hugs.

[pollystyrene]

Dude, I am not going to further contaminate this thread to deal with your petulant whining and I don't think you should either. You wanna talk about this, Take It Outside.

[funk0039]

I have been getting ripped on a lot lately from this forum. I looked up what pollystyrene called me, it's wasn't nice. My reaction was made worse by my own deepening depression.

[Muffy]

funk0039, I can't speak for everyone but this is a depression thread and what you said didn't strike me as offensive. I thought we were all here to share and try to support each other.

olivarria, I hope you are getting the help you need.. my thoughts are with you.

[funk0039]

*cough*MWET*cough*

Sorry, something in my throat.

I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to offend, I just wanted to help.

[funk0039]

I'm sorry. I was really trying to help. I figured that since the lady in trouble didn't know anything about me, if I wrote a little about myself it might help establish credentials. Apparently it's a bad idea to post any more, because no matter what I do I can't seem to get it right. I'm sorry I offended, I didn't mean to.

Seems like no matter how hard I try, I keep fucking up. I'm sorry to subject any of you to my stupidity/foolishness. I didn't want anyone to have to suffer the way I did, and am still. I thought I could help someone avoid the same mistakes I made.

I'm sorry.

[lananans]

It's good that you're reaching out Olivarria -- I've been there as well -- talking to someone really does help... and a lot of us know what you are going through.. we do want you around! And like kitten said - thanks for sharing, it's a good step.

((hugs))

[kittenb]

I keep having really morbid thoughts of death and cutting myself but I have no plans to do so ( i hope i don't scare everybody).

It is scary to hear about someone that we care about having such dark thoughts. That said, it is good that you are able to share them so thank you.

I would like to add one number to polly's list: 1-800-SUICIDE. Even if you feel like you are not at that point it might help to have someone you can talk with right now.

[pollystyrene]

*cough*MWET*cough*

Sorry, something in my throat.

olivarria, certainly do get help asap if you're thinking about hurting yourself. I've been there, done that, got kicked out of college because I got so deep I failed all my classes. It sucks. It does get better. I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did to get help.

Here's the number for the USA Self-Injury Help by S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends):
1-800-DONT-CUT (1-800-366-8288)

I got it off the resources page of PostSecret.

Please get some help with a live person, whether it's the hotline, your therapist (go see them, appointment or not!) Please continue to post here- we want you around!

[funk0039]

Okay, I'm breaking my silence despite my previous experience on other threads. This is too scary to ignore.

First off, I tried doing the same thing you are doing, staying in school and trying to continue. The October it happened, my grades dropped from A-B to straight C's. After that, straight F's.

You are in the exact same position, you are bouncing ever closer to hospitalization, and I bet your GPA is dropping like a rock even now.

I'm going to tell you some hard truths, neither of us will like it. First off, cancel all your classes right now. If you don't, and you have to go on SSDI later, your life will be hell to fix once you've recovered. Feel free to pm me, or better yet talk to me via yahoo messenger as funk0039. I will give you all the details that I endured and you can make your own decision about your future.

Second, there will come a point that you won't want to go to the hospital or talk with anyone else, including this forum. When that occurs, you won't be thinking in a sane fashion at all, and are close to death, very close indeed. I came within inches, literally, on multiple occasions, to being a bloody spatter atop some train tracks.

Before that happens, put yourself in the hospital! Have somebody take care of any living things in your home, and bring a soft pillow because theirs are usually pretty firm. This is severe, far deadlier than merely being physically hurt. Therapy isn't enough if you are getting this close, and your therapist will insist on your going to the hospital the instant it's discovered how bad a situation you are in.

Better yet, you can call me on the phone if you wish. My contact info is on my profile. Use it if you get scared. I don't mind expending my minutes no matter how many are used up, this is too important. I know in exquisite detail what you are enduring right now, I don't want you to die!

[stargazer]

does your school have a hotline where you could talk with someone tonight? i would also go in before your appointment with your therapist because it is an emergency. i really think you need a medication for the severe panic attacks for when you get hit with the agoraphobia. i've been there. medication really helped me to get out of my house. take care of yourself. your responsibilties don't mean shit if you are not emotionally well to attend to them. you should be the priority right now.