[olivarria]

I know I know! i desperately needed medicine, because I was starting to get the shakes and cry uncontrollably. I can't study without it because my brain goes numb and I can't think straight. My former doctor in Austin said he would not call in a prescription for me to the pharmacy because he hadn't seen me in 3 months. I called several mental health facilities and every dr. in the Yellow Pages, and they were all booked. I called most of them back in June, and was put on waiting lists. I hope to get an appointment with someone else soon, because 30 days is not too long.

I have been taking this medicine for a year and a half, and have been on various medicines for clinical depression and anxiety for almost 10 years. No reason he should need to see me every 30 days, unless he just wants more money. And I'll be damned if I'm going to pay $65 (he gets $130 an hour total) so that he can indulge in these pointless and perverted questions that don't even apply to my mental health. And I just checked online, his license to practice medicine expired 2 months ago! He specializes in hypnotherapy, which I think is totally hoaky (sp?). And he also insulted my weight, and asked way too many questions about my (lack of) belief in God. Sorry, I'm still venting because I'm really mad.

The worst thing is, I felt like I really needed help and to tell him how badly I was feeling, my symptoms, etc. and I didn't feel comfortable telling him what was happening. In the end I just wanted my drugs. Blech! But I won't go back i promise! i am hunting for a new dr. tomorrow.

[snarky7]

all i can say, olivarria, is EW! That is SO totally not right. I would have walked out, prescription be damned. Creepy questions, old guy. ew, ew, EW!

call or not, but definitely don't go back, please? for all of us....

hoping that things will turn around with your other visits this week. xo!

[olivarria]

Thank you for your support, Snarky7 and Stargazer. It really helps just to hear someone say that. This is something that's going to come and go throughout my life; mental illness runs in my family so I just need to know how to deal with it. I am feeling better for the moment; I am seeing doctors for polycystic ovary syndrome and hypothyroid disorder this week, and I 'm starting to feel some hope for my health problems. this OBGYN I saw today made me feel tremendously better and more hopeful.

I saw a new psychiatrist and was not so lucky with him. I live in San Antonio and it's very difficult to find a psychiatrist here; they are usually booked 2-3 months in advance, and believe I called everyone in the city, but only one was open, and I had no choice but to see him because I am almost out of Lexapro (I just moved here). Now I know why he was open - because he is batshit crazy! I am thinking of reporting him! First he asked me to sign a paper saying that he can ask me any question that he wants. I told him I would sign it, but will not answer any question I felt was too private. He asked me all these questions that have nothing to do with clinical depression: he asked me when I lost my virginity, and asked me if I bled when I broke my hymen. He asked me if I kiss other girls, and if i have oral sex, also if I orgasm when i have sex. (I didn't answer these, i told him they weren't relevant).

No doctor has ever asked me about my hymen or my orgasms, let alone a psychiatrist. He then proceeded to recite a romantic poem to me in French. Yeah. He also said that the cause of my depression could not possibly be a chemical imbalance, and that mental illness could not be inherited from my father, because he doesn't believe in that. (He graduated medical school in the 1950's....I think he's 200 years old.) And he said if I did not bleed when I lost my virginity, then I could not have been a virgin, because a hymen can not be broken any other way than sex, not tampons or bike-riding, etc. He said I was either molested or not a virgin, and that I was probably molested or raped, which is why I must be depressed. He spent an hour talking to me about these things and all i wanted were my damn drugs. And he only have me a 30 day supply instead of 90-day, so that I would have to make an appointment in 30 days. I have to pay 50% of the bill, which is $65, and I can't afford this. What a creep. I am going to call him and tell him to call in a prescription for 60 more days.

I was going to maybe report him, but he looks about 90 years old; How much longer can he practice, really? He could croak any day now. He looks like a dinosaur. Should I report him?

[snarky7]

olivarria and star: keep your chins up! you are doing a lot to post here, reaching for someone. we are here! we can all read and feel for you.

i think i have slid again just a bit. i found myself sleeping a TON this weekend...going to bed by 8p Friday, and sleeping 12+ hours two nights in a row. i know that's a sign of depression for me. but can't quite seem to put my finger on what the trigger was this time...

speaking of sleep...that sounds really good.... night all!

[stargazer]

And I doubt my choices all the time. Like I could have gotten into a better, more prestigious school if I had tried, but I wanted to be near my family - and I like their psych program and women's studies center. I want to go to grad school but I'm starting to feel like I may be too dumb. I want to be a psychotherapist or a social worker, and it's been my dream forever, but I'm starting to feel like I'm kidding myself. I feel like I may never amount to anything at all. I feel ugly, fat (I know, I know), and socially awkward. Why? I don't know. I'm very self-conscious and shy, and I think I may be alone forever - I can't make friends if i don't even like myself. I don't think anyone would want to date me - I feel hideous. I feel abandoned by people who I thought cared about me. I just feel like staring into space, and laying in bed, with no motivation at all, and when I try to study the words just seem to blur in front of my eyes. Everything makes me cry. I see a new dr. on the 31st so maybe she can help me? Time will tell.....

(((olivarria)))

gosh, i've been so depressed these past couple of days. my internship has really gotten me down. i never knew an experience could get to me like this. and i don't have the fighting spirit. i try to keep my head up and keep a positive outlook, but i feel like i'm drowning in my sorrow. i've haven't cried so much in the past couple of days. and even before i came on to post, i found myself crying in bed. i don't like feeling this way. i try to do things to distract myself, but i'm afraid i won't pass my internship. and the possibility is very real. i don't understand how 1 supervisory relationship could impact a whole experience and i feel totally helpless in the situation. i'm trying to remember what i can do to succeed....but, i just feel so incredibly lonely. i can't describe it. and the self doubt that i am encountering makes me question everything about myself. and i extend it to why i am single, etc, etc, etc.

and i agree olivarria...i just want to lie in bed, stare at the tv, and not do anything. i've been a fighter my whole life but this place has truly sucked my soul and my spirit. hence, my feeling of being deadlike.

[olivarria]

(((BUSTies)))

I've been needing to post here for awhile and I've been putting it off.....the fact is I'm becoming depressed and I'm in denial about it (again). So I'm just going to rant for a minute here......at first I thought there was no reason to feel this way, but I think it's because I have barely a shred of self-esteem, and I have social anxiety issues. I am all alone in a new city, and I know no one except my advisor and professors. I guess this is normal when you're in a new place, but I've been fine for the last couple months, until now. The loneliness is getting to me i think. It's a big school but I just don't know if I fit in here. I will be joining campus ACLU in Fall, so maybe that will help me meet people.

And I doubt my choices all the time. Like I could have gotten into a better, more prestigious school if I had tried, but I wanted to be near my family - and I like their psych program and women's studies center. I want to go to grad school but I'm starting to feel like I may be too dumb. I want to be a psychotherapist or a social worker, and it's been my dream forever, but I'm starting to feel like I'm kidding myself. I feel like I may never amount to anything at all. I feel ugly, fat (I know, I know), and socially awkward. Why? I don't know. I'm very self-conscious and shy, and I think I may be alone forever - I can't make friends if i don't even like myself. I don't think anyone would want to date me - I feel hideous. I feel abandoned by people who I thought cared about me. I just feel like staring into space, and laying in bed, with no motivation at all, and when I try to study the words just seem to blur in front of my eyes. Everything makes me cry. I see a new dr. on the 31st so maybe she can help me? Time will tell.....

Hugs and support vibes to everone!

[persimmon_grrrl]

hi bottleblack -

i don't have any specific experience with the meds you mentioned, but i think that my friend did at some point. recently, someone gave me bach's rescue remedy for my situational anxiety, and while i don't like it and it's like klonopin and only for really bad situations, apparently it helps. i only used it once, i think.

zoya, i'm glad you found something that helps you out.




i'm wondering how people deal with hating everybody, everything all of the time? it's a pretty generic and un-thought out emotion, "hate". and, it's as though only certain situations and people make me feel that angry and annoyed.

most of the time, around certain friends, i feel okay. but i realize that i'm very defensive and cranky a lot. i also have, within the last three years, found it very difficult to open up to and trust people. i seem to keep people at a - now unconscious - distance. and i don't really care about socializing anymore. i prefer my own company sometimes, but sometimes it's because i've given up trying to fight my anxiety and self-judgment to hang out with people.

i don't know, i guess i'm just rambling now.

[bottleblack]

Hey guys, I was wondering if there were any busties out there suffering from social anxiety/social phobia?? I've been dealing with this, and trying different meds.. well, paxil so far, but it did nothing. My doctor also prescribed me a drug called Klonopin which is sort of like Xanax in that it is for emergency short-term situations. I've tried this as well and it has no effect.
Just wondering if anyone has experience with this diagnosis?

[Gypsymoth]

I've been on Abilify for about three weeks and it's made my mood more stable and I've been generally happier, but it made me anxious and teary sometimes as well (if this makes any sense). Has anyone else had this weird combination of effects?

[starpiste]

It sucks when something that you feel shouldn't be a big deal becomes a major trigger. And people telling you it's not a big deal. For me it's hard to explain that it's not the event that's hard, but my reaction to it and how little control I feel over it.

It is good that you're seeing what is good about what's going on. I'm trying really hard to do the same. None of my stress is relieved, and I am more irritable than ever, but people think I look better and I'm sleeping more than 3 hours a night. I'm holding on to that.

I'm back on celexa and I'm finding in the last three weeks since I started them (and am seeing my doctors and told my support system what's going on) I just want to be drunk all the time. It almost feels like a med side-effect even though I know I shouldn't be drinking at all. It's actually pretty much dominating a lot of my thoughts. I know from my last major episode that it really helps me forget about everything I'm feeling but I also know it's a very very unhealthy coping strategy. I probably should have mentioned it when I saw my doctor this morning but I didn't.

(on a good note, my doctor signed me up for a government program that will fully cover the cost of my medication become I have a very low income. She's retiring next month and it makes me sad because she's been wonderful.)

[zoya]

all I have to say right now is thank fuck for the meds, because if I wasn't on them, I'd not have gotten out of bed the last couple days. I'm totally in a depressive episode right now, but at least I'm elevated enough that I'm not at rock bottom and non-functional. this sucks. I've been upset for the last week or so about a situation with a person I was involved with in the past (long story) but I was able to deal with that - normal kinda anger / upset. What triggered this slide? A couple days ago I saw a pic taken recently of him, and he looks really great and really happy - and I know he has a new relationship - and i know that smile. It's the smile he used to have for me, that I have in a few pics of him. OK, so anyone might feel kinda down at that, but it's just triggered this super slide. It seems like kind of an inoordinately extreme slide downward for that, but you just never know. At least I don't. I mean, there are some situations I do know trigger me and can prepare for or have mechanisms in place to deal with them when they come up. But I hate getting blindsided like this - yeah, it's something you'd expect to feel bummed at, but the extreme reaction just sucks. I think you guys probably understand - a lot of people would be like "just get over it" or "you've got a great life! don't be bummed!" and I'm forcing myself to do things, but it's definitely mind over matter. It's not as easy as "just getting over it" If I could snap my fingers and have this episode be gone, I would. I have a great life, I know this - and it sucks when I just don't care about any of it. Like I said, thank fuck for the meds - they let me feel all this, but if they weren't there, I can guarantee I'd not even be typing this right now because I'd be in a little ball in my bed. ugh.

[deathaniexo]

i have had the depressed for no reason depression for the past week. i just feel blue. i'm assuming it started because of the fight that went down with my boss last friday because i've been really anxious every time i've gotten ready for work and while i've been there but, i've never been upset for this long over work stuff.

[snarky7]

star - thanks for sharing your triggers. very eye opening as I believe the same things are triggers for me too. if only i would lose the 10+ pounds, or be funnier, or smarter, or have fewer freckles....sigh. gotta get to it. counseling helps me to be stronger about myself, and i've tried drugs too. i also hated how the drugs made me feel, gyps, so i didn't stay on them for long, but i have friends that would swear it is only the drugs that keeps them rolling. reading this thread, it is really a combination of things that seem to help, and it really depends on the person. i also think reading everyone's thoughts on this board helps me too.... keep stuff coming!

[Gypsymoth]

I'm starting with a new psychiatrist tomorrow now that I've moved. It's frustrating that I've been in treatment for so many years on and off and I haven't made much progress. Therapy and drugs have helped me during really bad times but I hate how numb the drugs make me feel and I get frustrated with therapy.

[starpiste]

snarky, I get that same thing after a night of going out. It might hit on my way home, or the next day. I usually tie it to issues I have with equating having fun with being drunk or to self-esteem stuff about not feeling as flirty/pretty/open as some of the people I hang out with are. Pretty similar actually. I find it happens most when I am more sober but I know being too drunk to care isn't a good strategy.

I have a ton of triggers though. Bad dreams, a slow day at work, someone rude on my bus, being broke, the wrong song on my ipod. The list goes on and is pretty big these days but it's not always.

Last night I went on a date and felt so much like I was censoring all the stuff I'm feeling these days because it's not good first date material. I'm feeling totally neutral about it today. I feel so foggy that it could have happened a month ago.

I also finally found a sliding scale councellor that I can afford and doesn't have a waiting list. I should get a call from them Monday to set up a first appointment. I really need it.

How's everyone else doing?

[snarky7]

What do you all find are your "triggers" in your life? I ask because I was having a wonderful day yesterday with shinyx3, and that was followed by a GNO with some work friends. I had a good time, but the whole way home I found myself comparing me to the others - I'm the shortest, the fattest, they all have better hair, they all say the right things (I had one stick-my-foot-in-my-mouth moment last night)... Anyway, I got home feeling down.

Any thoughts?

[geekchickknits]

No, I've just been having troubles posting.

CBT was what helped me, more than talk therapy (which would always leave me feeling more depressed) and more than drugs. In fact, I think for me, drugs made it worse. I understand that they do work for some (most) people, but after my personal experience it have left me very wary.

Thanks to all who answered my question!

[zoya]

I think I killed the thread..

[zoya]

I have tried CBT - my therapist uses it in some areas with me. I found that in some areas, it really helps me. The main areas it helps me in are in dealing with destructive patterns of behaviour (by destructive, I mean to me - to relationships, work situations,etc) because I have been able to identify why i react certain ways to certain situations (based on talking about my upbringing) to recognize when I am reacting that way, and to learn techniques that help put the breaks on.

that said, I don't think that for me, any of it was really effective until I got on meds. I'm on Wellbutrin and Buspar - the lowest dosage possible without it being sub-theraputic (I take about 1/2 the lowest dosage most people ever take) for me, it's been a godsend. For me that dosage is enough to take the anxiety and depressive feelings away to the extent that talk therapy is effective - by that I mean, I'm not just using every session to try and manage / get through my depression and anxiety, but I can actually work to undo some of the mechanisms I've developed over time to deal with situations I grew up in.

Both my Therapist (psychologist) and psychiatrist feel that for someone who is really invested in talk therapy (including CBT) that meds are about exactly the above - lessening the depression and anxiety (or whatever symptoms someone might have) to the level that it makes talk therapy more effective, with an eye on possibly tapering off the meds some day. Really the only people my psych writes full on high dosage prescriptions for anti depressants are people who resist being invested in talk therapy, or the people who when, after being on a lower dosage with talk therapy for some time, it becomes apparent they are depressed to the point of needing the higher dosage always (ie: not situational depression or dysthymia, which is what I have, but major depression)

will I ever get off the meds? I don't know - I'm sure that at some point down the road, if I feel that I've reached a place in therapy that I'd like to try it, I will give it a go. But who's to say that talk therapy is going to "fix" my depression and anxiety. That may be strictly biological and never go away. honestly, I don't have a problem with being on the meds. They are making my quality of life so much better because I don't have that fucking grey cloud over me all the time that affects how I deal with everything. Not to say I don't get depressed or anxious now and then - I do. I'm on a low enough dosage that it doesn't mask anything - it just kinda brings me up a notch to probably what a 'normal' person probably feels like. But that notch has made a huge difference.

I mean, the way I see it, if I had diabetes, would I be resistant to taking the drugs I needed to stay healty, if diet alone wasn't doing it for me? So why should I be resistant to taking the meds I'm taking as long as I'm educated about them?? I feel like I'm far more myself now than I was before. I feel like the depression and anxiety were the things that masked who I am. The meds help let the me that I am break through.

[starpiste]

I've done CBT with two different therapists, and I did reality therapy for a while in a group setting. I've done way more therapy than I've spend time on meds. What happens for me is that when I notice myself back sliding I get back into therapy. Sometimes I don't do that fast enough (or like now, I can't afford my regular therapist) and I let it go too long. Then my sleeping, eating, crying, anxiety, ect. gets so out of control that I need the meds to re-regulate. When I've let myself go that far I can't even get to therapy/work/anywhere without the help of meds. I see the meds as a tool to use with the therapy when I need extra help.