[crazyoldcatlady]

RoseV- what about adoption? you can still "form a family", but you can bypass the pregnancy or even infancy stages. what about something that's quasi-permanent: foster parenting? Do you have close friends of which you are a "god"parent?

[Flacker]

Roseviolet,

Although I certainly don't have an "answer" to your question, I did want to share my story...

I was in the exact same position as you ealier this year. My husband and I (we're both 36) went back and forth for about two years on whether or not to have kids. My biological clock was ticking away but we were both 100% undecided about the issue, primiarly because we honestly loved our child-free lives and bringing a kid into the mix felt like it'd be a big interuption as well as a lot of sacrifice. But like you, I liked the idea of having a family to grow with. I had always pictured having a family, but the timing never seemed right. I enjoyed my selfish, childless life. Plus, I never was one of those people who "craved motherhood" and I thought that that's how I should feel if I was "meant" to have kids.

Anyway, as a sort of test, we decided I'd go off the pill for 6 months to "see what happened." We were by no means trying to have a baby, just removing the goalie from the game so to speak. After about a month I started freaking out. I kept thinking: No, I don't think I want to have kids. I refilled my RX at the pharmacy and waited for my period to return so I could go back on the pill. Well, I waited. And I waited some more. And nothing. I took a pregnancy test, thinking it couldn't be true. It was. I cried - and not out of joy. I was freaked out. I felt like my life had been ruined. I pictured every ounce of my freedom slipping away. Although my husband was super supportive (even excited), I honestly felt depressed, and it took me about 3 months to feel happy about the situation.

I'm now 6 1/2 months pregnant (due in about 10 weeks). And I can tell you that the happiness and the feeling that this is "right" for my husband and I is now overwhelming. Don't get me wrong. I am still a bit freaked out by the whole thing. Some days I look at the things I am losing, but most days I am mystified by all that I am gaining. Still, no one can tell you which decision is right for you. I felt like I never actually made a conscious decision about the issue. It was made for me. (I feel like this baby must really want to be born if it only took a matter of weeks at my age!) There is no right or wrong choice, just your choice. And life will be grand no matter which way it turns out.

[kittenb]

I know that I want to have a child although I cannot put a finger on the exact reason of why. The geek isn't sure is he wants to have kids or not.
Part of my reason is that my parents really enjoyed us kids. They make me crazy but they were good parents and they loved us very much. I want to know what that feels like. I also believe that The Geek and I would make excellent parents.
I love him and I don't want to be with anyone else. So at this point I am willing to wait to see what conclusion he comes to. I also know that I want to be married before I have a child. 2 parents just seems to make things easier and I want to do a honeymoon without worrying about childcare.
So I am waiting for grad school to end and I am waiting for him to make up his mind. What worries me is that my body isn't getting any younger. I'll be 36 next month. I'm considering having a baby at 38-39. I've already had one surgery on my uterus and worry that my fibroid will return thus making a baby even harder.
I worked at an HMO for over a year. The most grueling referrals that I had to handle were the ones dealing with infertility treatments. This experience has pretty much made me swear off all invasive infertility work. It seems so dehumanizing and I worry that my survivor issues just won't let me spend that much time in ob/gyn stirrups. This seems to be the rare issue that I am willing to let the choice be settled by the gods or fate or whatever. If I get pregnant (when we are trying for it) I get pregnant. If not, we will figure something else out.
So, I know what I want but I am not sure when I want it. Not yet, that is for sure. But how long is too long to wait? And what do I do if he decides he never wants kids?
Clearly I do not have the answers either but I am very interested in the conversation. Thanks Rose!

[roseviolet]

So that's the introductory post. This one is about me & Sheff.

I'm 34. My husband is 40. We've been married for 4 years and we're trying to decide if we're going to have kids or if we'd be better off staying child-free. We're both definitely on the fence about this. Neither of us are Baby Crazy. However, we love the feeling of family - generations of people who are connected through a special bond. Sheff says that he thinks he'd really enjoy having a daughter but not a son. On the other hand, he does not like the idea that he may still have a child in the house when he's 60 (even if that child is a teenager). And let's not even get started on the financial, emotional and social strains that come with parenthood.

Some people have the option of just being the Cool Aunt & Uncle, but that isn't the case for us; we're 95% sure that our siblings will always remain child free. If Sheff and I don't have kids, then both of our families will die with us. There will not be another generation. You'd think our parents would put more pressure on us because of that, but they're actually really great. They never pressure us to have kids, although I know they'd all be thrilled to bits to become grandparents.

One of the things that makes me think that I'd like to have kids is my relationship with my parents - especially my mom. I dearly love my mom and consider her one of my best friends. My dad is quieter, but he's always been a huge supporter of me & I know he will always be there for me. I know parenthood wasn't always easy for Mom and Dad, but when I imagine what their lives would be like now without us kids, I can see why it was worth all of the effort. My family means a lot to me, so that makes me think I might enjoy children in the long-run.

Basically, I don't feel a craving to have a baby. But I want to be part of a family. Because of our ages, I feel that logically we should probably start having kids pretty soon before it's too late. But I also feel that we shouldn't have kids until we really want to have kids. I wish we could put this off more, but Sheff is already starting to feel too old. It's now or never. But "now" doesn't feel right. Neither does "never".

[roseviolet]

To parent or not to parent: that is the question. Indeed, it may be the most important question you answer in your entire life.

There are people in this world who have always known that they want to have children. There are people in this world who've always known that they do not want to have children. I am happy for both groups because they know what they want in life. I'm also envious of both groups because I do not know which lifestyle is the right choice for me.

Are you undecided, too? Were you once undecided but have made a decision? Let's talk about it.