cuttin' it close with your hostess, lady schick! :: girl, it's trouble.
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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Oct 18 2009, 03:39 AM
and she coos:

Little lamb, smile!

When I am through with you
There won't be anything left

Oh come back now where did you go?
no need to cower don't know
if i can even turn your light on
hello daisy, is that you hiding in the grass?
I've come to pluck you, To pluck you right in half.

When I am through with you
There won't be anything left

I come to the city alone i packed up my life and my
home
'cause i feel like a body at rest is a life in hell
so unpack my bags unpack my bags
kiss her on the mouth and she says
"smile little lamb"

When I am through with you
There won't be anything left...

"when i am through with you" by vla

i close my eyes, and smile...
at least she's clear about her intentions.


the last 2 months have felt like a death of 1000 cuts. oh, you feel good about yourself in that part of your life? well, we'll just see about that... i feel like i'm being slowly picked apart. the funny thing is i care less and less.... about pretty much anything. just like before i transitioned, i've figured out how to construct that facade. but at home, inside my head, it's a mess. i've been eating less and less, lost weight, and what little i do eat is out of duress. i'm used to ignoring hunger pains, but the migraines demand some sort of attention. i eat just enough to appease my body, but little more. i've almost stopped taking care of my apartment. not intentionally. don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm planning this, it's much more a passive thing. i just don't care anymore. i've stopped making an effort, because i really can't see things getting much better for any length of time. i've been dragging myself thru every day, not out of any sort of will to survive, i think that's been all but evicted from these premises. no, it's more out of habit. i think at the start of summer i had some sort of optimism, some sort of want to see if i could do something, to try, and slowly, methodically, i've had one leg after another kicked out from under me... any hope in my projects, any ideas get suffocated...

smile little lamb.

if there was a personal, emotional hell, this would be mine. in all honesty, i could not have designed it better. it's like a roller coaster, i get just enough height and speed to send me to that next drop. i ask you, if you were on this ride, one that hit upon everyone of your weaknesses, shredded every one of your hopes one by one, sadistically chewing you up, as if to make you squirm, would you not want out? would you not want off of that ride? would you not want it to end? so why would another path be desirable? why would i get on medication? so i won't struggle as much in my pain? so i won't care as much about the pain? the underlying problem isn't my depression, but rather my life. it will take a helluva lot more than a pill to fix it. you may worry about me, but trust me, wanting me on this planet is like wanting me in pain. i write these posts, again, not as some "cry for help," but for personal clarity, and for understanding when i'm gone. i've made my peace with the idea of killing myself, the question is, when. i don't have a date, as i've said before, it could be a month it could be years, i honestly cannot say. but when the momentum of dragging myself thru another day runs out, when i cannot endure any more of this agony, i will put an end to my pain. i would hope, reading these posts, you would see it was not whimsical. i would hope, understanding that, you would be happy for me. i would hope that you would see that it was what i needed to do. i would hope that you would realize i had nothing left.

 
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sk8 boarding with a long board,
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gender theory, queer theory,
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