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ketto
post Jul 16 2010, 08:45 AM
Post #21


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From: Winter Land


So my mom calls me yesterday morning. My parents have been taking care of my niece for two weeks while my brother has been doing a charity bike ride out of province. My niece is 7 and a really really sweet kid but she's already been through a lot in her life. My brother was married to her mom for 3 years but when my niece was 3 he finally had to kick her mom out. She's an alcoholic and only sees my niece about once a week and they don't do sleepovers or anything. Her mom has been through treatment a few times but still doesn't really believe she has a problem therefore she often goes through some really "bad times" where she'll cycle through a breakdown and start drinking a lot again.

So my niece has a lot of people that love and has adjusted pretty well. She has some attachment issues but for the most part she's just a regular kid. The last few months it seems like things have been escalating for her though. She's very very sensitive and will get upset very easily. She finds movies like "Finding Nemo" really upsetting when a parent dies - she'll start crying uncontrollably and just get really scared. She already has some anxiety issues that make her tummy hurt and sometimes will make her throw up.

Since my brother has been on his trip (he's a single dad with total custody, care, and control) she's been even more sensitive and upset almost every night. She had a friend on my parents street last year that she always used to play with. They're the same age but the other little girl was strange - my niece would misbehave and do things she wasn't supposed to when she was around. They were always whispering and breaking rules my niece knew she shouldn't be breaking. A few months ago my niece just stopped calling on her friend though. Two days ago she decided to call on her and the friend came over to my folks. 1/2 hour later my niece said she was sick and told the friend she had to leave. A few hours later she told my mom that (from what we gather) last summer or fall this other little girl was getting my niece to go to the bathroom in front of her and getting her to take off her pants and touch each other and telling her that it felt good. After that incident my niece stopped playing with the girl. So when the girl came over 2 days ago she asked my niece if she remembered doing that and my niece lied and said no and then said she felt sick and made the friend go home.

I feel so horrible for my niece. They did a presentation at school about how you shouldn't let anyone else touch your body but I think she feels like she did something bad - I'm going to talk to her today and let her know that it's not because it's bad but because no one else has the right to touch you like that and make you feel uncomfortable. She was really scared that my mom, me, and her dad would be angry at her. I just felt like my heart was breaking when my mom was telling me. But I spoke with my mom later last night and she said since my niece told her everything she seems to be feeling a lot better - I think it's been weighing on her conscious for months.

So I'm looking for a good play therapist for my niece because I think she needs a good third party to talk to about her feelings. But I'm really concerned about the other little girl. When my mom told me this I said that I wanted to call Child and Family Services. I work in a children's counselling program and that behaviour is almost always a sure indication that she has been sexually abused by someone. My mom doesn't want me to because it's the neighbours kid but the reports are anonymous and there should be absolutely no way the family would know who called with concerns. The other kid is only 7 too and I really feel like no one is looking out for her interests in this situation.

This sucks so much and I already feel like she's been through so much. I hate that she's been dealing with this other thing all by herself.


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ketto
post Jun 17 2010, 10:36 AM
Post #22


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From: Winter Land


Deschats, that's totally understandable. I was triggered a few times taking my training course but like you, that's not something I felt comfortable sharing. I wish I had some good techniques to help calm you but I typically went home, journaled, had a cry, or talked to my partner. I don't know if you would find this at all helpful, but The Tapping Cure has actually been a big anxiety reliever for me - it feels really weird to do the first few times but now I have it memorized and if I'm in a calm place I can just imagine myself tapping and doing all the steps in my head and I calm down. I know for some folks it doesn't work at all, but every little tool helps. I was trying to find an article online to explain how it works but it looks like you have to pay for them. I have a worksheet in a word file and if you're interested msg me and I'll get your email and send it to you. It involves tapping on certain points of your body that are connected to emotional centres in order to ground and relax you.

I'm at an interesting place because I'm almost the same age of the guy who raped me. I was 17 at the time and he was 26. The circumstances we met under were weird. It was basically cyber/phone sex and then he knew my last name and phone number, looked up my address in the phone book, and came to my house. What really scares me, is even though that happened to me it still didn't really register how dangerous it was to talk to this guy and how easy it was for him to find me. I was young, naive, and easily manipulated so I let him in and then we hung out together all day. At the end of the night he had me pinned in the backseat of my car and that's where things got really scary.

What almost...angers me now is that if I had met this guy now I would never have given him a second look or even started talking to him. He was very strange, made insulting assumptions about myself and my upbringing, accused me of being close-minded, and waxed on and on about his travels and philosophy of life - which was basically that he was smart, everyone else was an idiot, if you grew up in the 'burbs you were a single-minded asshole. He was such a pompous idiot that it kind of pains me that I fell for it. I know I was only 17 and I'd never even dated anyone so he had the upper hand but it's hard to know sometimes that I was naive. Of all the things I've held on to, the one that's hardest to let go of is my anger towards him. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for the things he did to me - maybe it's unhealthy to hang on to that but I'm sure as hell not ready to let it go.

The sad thing is, even if someone had told me all this when I was 17 I know it wouldn't have changed anything. On the other hand, I'm one of those folks who feels that if that experience hadn't happened to me I would be a totally different person.


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deschatsrouge
post Jun 16 2010, 07:01 PM
Post #23


A symphony of atrocities.
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From: The Sage Brush Steppes


I'm taking a child development class from a LSW/trauma specialist and he talks a lot about rape and sexual trauma in adults and children. I have to take a happy pill (propanylol) before each class because I never know what he'll say that might trigger me. After I'm triggered I have to behave like a sane person, sit, take notes and listen calmly, while I have a flash back in class. Inside the demons in my synapses are going ape shit.

Yeah, I could ask him to keep the ugly stuff to a minimum but that would mean opening myself up to him and I don't want to. He's not my therapist and he hasn't earned it. Besides, I think he already knows because I handed him my ADA form and answered in short order a question about rape victim behavior. I guess I don't want to tell him because I'd like to keep my therapeutic relationships therapeutic and my academic relationships academic. If I tell him I'm crossing the two and that makes me very uncomfortable.

PTSD sucks the big one. Every once in a while I am reminded how little it takes to cause me to become a pile of tragedy mourning the symphony of atrocities committed against me. When this happens I feel like a weak and sniveling fool. Every once in a while I am reminded how little it takes me to become weak, self pitying, self hating, and stupid.

The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not mourn thine rape lest thou be self pitying.


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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damona
post Jun 12 2010, 12:16 AM
Post #24


can i go to bed now?
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From: i'm the queen of far far away


deschat, thank you for reminding me of that. i need a little kick now and then smile.gif

polly, thanks for the idea. can you go ahead and pm or email me about that? i'm so damn tired i nearly fell asleep on the keyboard (see kvetch for deets).

(((((((safe hugs for all)))))))


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"give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" - tori amos
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pollystyrene
post Jun 9 2010, 07:23 PM
Post #25


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
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What deschat said...maybe the mr. should at least block the guy from seeing his posts and pictures, so that your lives stay private from him. I know you're not on FB, so PM me if you need help with the technical details of doing that...I've got a couple people who I am FB friends with solely under the theory of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.


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You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
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deschatsrouge
post Jun 9 2010, 11:42 AM
Post #26


A symphony of atrocities.
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From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((damona))))

Your feelings don't have to make sense to be real and valid.


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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damona
post Jun 9 2010, 12:44 AM
Post #27


can i go to bed now?
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From: i'm the queen of far far away


i haven't posted here in so long...

i thought i was doing ok. but. the mr got a facebook. guess who friend requested him? guess who he friended? yeah. i told him it was his facebook, and it was up to him, but now i'm not so sure. his reasoning for friending him was that now we know where he is and what he's up to. i just don't know. it both really bothers me, and really doesn't. i don't even know if that is logical. well, i guess it really isn't, but i don't know how else to say it.


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"give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" - tori amos
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kittenb
post May 7 2010, 07:51 AM
Post #28


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Hello all! Well, I guess if this thread is active agin, I should visit Bust more frequently. smile.gif

ketto - several years ago I started to volunteer for an agency that did advocacy in the emergency for people who were raped. This quickly turned into a job and is culminating in me finishing my master's degree in counseling. I would really like t stay with trauma work but there are not a lot of places hiring at the moment. But I am so glad I have had the experience of doing this work. My clients are constant inspiration.

QUOTE
Me too. I feel the darkness that he left still lives in me. The piece he ripped from my soul will never be returned to me. But, the darkness does not control me anymore and I'm growing a new piece in the place of the missing one.


This is one of the things that I can really work with my clients. I think that many therapists are uncomfortable working with the dark side of healing but I feel that a lot of the richest and most fertile parts of ourselves can be found there, stuffed down and reaching for light. I don't quite know how to do it yet, but I love talking with my clients about it.


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In times of destruction, create something.
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deschatsrouge
post Apr 30 2010, 11:04 AM
Post #29


A symphony of atrocities.
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From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Ketto))))

QUOTE(ketto @ Apr 26 2010, 01:13 PM) *
I used the crisis phone line and went for in person crisis counselling for 8 weeks and I credit it for getting me back on track when I was at my darkest.


I have had a similar experience. I felt like I was in limbo until I went in for trauma counseling.

QUOTE(ketto @ Apr 26 2010, 01:13 PM) *
Anyway, for all the things I've felt like I've had to deal with and get over, I'm really glad to be in a position in my life where I feel really stable and in enough of an emotionally healthy place to be able to support other people who are in a similar position I was once in. I'm very thankful for where I am right now. I hope others are doing well too.


Me too. I feel the darkness that he left still lives in me. The piece he ripped from my soul will never be returned to me. But, the darkness does not control me anymore and I'm growing a new piece in the place of the missing one.

We are yet living.


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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ketto
post Apr 26 2010, 08:13 AM
Post #30


Hardcore BUSTie
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From: Winter Land


Dead thread. It's still been a few years since anything has really come up for me and I'm happy to say that I feel like that will be the way things stay for a while. I didn't end up giving my brother anymore info, but just trying to make sure we're a little closer and checking in to see how he's feeling more. It's still hard though when my dad or older brother will ask why my younger brother acts so anxious and depressed sometimes and I usually just say that he's going through his own shit but I wish my older brother could know at least. But the younger one just turned 21 and quit a stressful job and moved bedrooms, which are all small changes but I sometimes those little changes can make you feel a lot better. He seems to be doing pretty well right now.

Anyway, the big change of late is that I'm not volunteering in the sexual assault crisis program in our city. I used this program a couple of years after my assault. I used the crisis phone line and went for in person crisis counselling for 8 weeks and I credit it for getting me back on track when I was at my darkest. The counsellor I saw was amazing and supportive and really empowered me, so I wanted to give back in the same way. No one I work with there knows that I was a former client so sometimes I want to say that I remember how I felt when going through so-and-so but I don't feel like that's something I want to share with the volunteers. I was worried I would find the program triggering but it's actually been really good. My job is to answer crisis phone calls, go to the hospital (overnight or day) if a sexual assault comes in, or do in-person crisis counselling - I work there about once a week. I never went to the hospital when I was assaulted but I'm glad I know how the process works now - I may have actually gone if I had known what it was like. There's a special suite in the hospital that's set up really nice, like a living room with couches and nice lighting and the exam and interview rooms are really relaxing and comfortable. There are only certain nurses who work in that room who are specially trained and no one is pressured into reporting if they don't want to. They always call volunteers from our organization to come down and offer support to the survivors and secondary victims and we'll explain what's going to happen, explain our programs if they want counselling, bring them extra clothes and resources, get them a cab if they need it, and just generally be there for them if they need us. If the client doesn't want us there, then we leave. It's all very respectful of what the survivor wants and we're very clear that no one has the right to pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to.

Anyway, for all the things I've felt like I've had to deal with and get over, I'm really glad to be in a position in my life where I feel really stable and in enough of an emotionally healthy place to be able to support other people who are in a similar position I was once in. I'm very thankful for where I am right now. I hope others are doing well too.


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ketto
post Apr 26 2010, 07:56 AM
Post #31


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From: Winter Land


Cecilia, I know this thread isn't very active and you're post was trying to be supportive and it's great that you're doing good work in this field, but this is a safe space for survivors to share what's happening our lives and situations. It's not okay to say we should encourage survivors to speak up or we should speak up if we are the survivors. A lot of us are dealing with very personal issues or went through an experience where speaking up was and is not an option, and where we've already been repeatedly re-victimized by the systems that are supposed to be in place to help us. This is a safe space where we can come to share what's going on in our lives, and even though I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across this way, it's not a space where we want to feel pressure that we "should have" reported.


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cecilia
post Apr 23 2010, 10:11 PM
Post #32


BUSTie
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From: philly


Hi, Ive been a member for a long time, but tend to only lurk..... Anyway, I have recently come into a position where it is my job to prosecute juvenile offenders. If any of you are willing to share, I would like to hear your stories regarding the criminal and juvenile processes. If any of you have feedback regarding either system, or what prosecutors can do to make it easier on you, I would really like to hear it.
For, example, I recently dealt with a young victim who totally kicked ass on the stand. I feel, at this point, it would be wrong to tell her that, as I have not yet closed my case. That might be "coaching." On the other hand, she did kick ass! The defense attorney tried to get her mixed up, but she stuck to her guns and did not let him manipulate her. She"s my idol in many ways, she's only 14!
Is there anything prosecutors can do to make the whole system less painful? While I, myself, only deal with juvenile offenders, I work in a small office where I am the only female attorney, so the others tend to at least listen to my opinion.
And for what it's worth, if anyone is or knows or suspects anyone they know is a victim of sexual abuse, please speak up or encourage the victims to. In at least half of my cases involving sexual abuse, the (juvenile) perpetrator is also a victim. There's a much greater chance of rehabilitation if the offender is a juvenile and caught young. It's all about breaking the cycle.
Anyway, thanks for listening and I look forward to any feedback that anyone here might have. If you don't feel comfortable posting, feel free to pm me.
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koffeewitch
post Nov 27 2009, 06:47 PM
Post #33


Hardcore BUSTie
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From: the Hundred Acre Woods


Wow Ketto...I bet getting the courage up to tell you at all was probably a big step for him. It's so hard for anybody to talk about, let alone guys. I know you want to be the big sister and help him out, but maybe he just needs to know that someone in the family understands him (why he is anti-social, not-dating, etc.) If I were you I'd probably just wait for him to bring it up again. I feel really awful that his perp/perp's family are still involved with your family. That must be so hard. My perp died when I was 16...I'm kinda afraid I might have been obsessed with hurting/killing him otherwise. I wonder if your bro. feels that way, too...


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ketto
post Nov 26 2009, 04:31 PM
Post #34


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I haven't posted or even lurked in this thread in over a year (probably longer!). I feel like I've really dealt with the issues i had related to my rape and I've been in a really happy place for probably the last two years.

Two months ago my younger brother (20) told me he needed to talk to me in private. We went to my bedroom and I could tell it was something really big. He told me that a neighbour and childhood friend (3 years older than me, 7 years older than my brother) had molested him when they were kids. I didn't ask how old my brother was but I gathered he was about 6 or 7 (making the neighbour 13-15). He said he blocked it out for a long time but started remembering in high school. I'm the only person in the family he's told. I've been able to tell both my parents and my other brother what happened to me, but I feel awful for him because he can't and I know he can't. He told me he really wanted someone in the family to know, but the person who did this to him is still in our lives and my brother said he doesn't want to confront him or disrupt his life. I told him I confronted my rapist and it helped me a lot and it seemed like it hadn't even crossed his mind - which I also thought was a bit odd because when I went to sexual assualt crisis counselling they outlined my options, and while there was no pressure, confronting him was definitely an option and even knowing that I could do it gave me back some power.

I told him he could probably tell our older brother but I completely understand why he can't tell our parents. I don't want to put down too many details, but the persons parents and siblings are still in our lives in small ways and up until two months ago, I'd always considered the whole family to be friends. Most of my best childhood memories revolve around playing at these peoples house. They're a huge part of my childhood memories. We're a really close family and I think it's probably hard for him to only have on person to tell. I might ask him if he wants to consider telling our older brother because the three of us are so close. I think the extra support would be really good for him.

I guess a few months have passed and my parents are constantly asking me and my older brother what's wrong with my younger brother, why he's so anti-social, why he doesn't want to date, that therapy doesn't seem to be helping - he sees a woman and I think he needs to see someone who has specific experience with male childhood sexual abuse and anxiety disorders. I would NEVER EVER say anything, but I feel like my brother needs more support than I know how to give. He told me he was dealing well, but I feel like I could offer him more supports, I just don't want to offend him. There's a men's resource Centre here that has a support group for men who were abused as children so I think I'll pass that on to him. I just feel conflicted about how to bring things up.

I think he has a really good rational reaction to what happened, but I feel like he needs more emotional help. He rationally knows it wasn't his fault, it doesn't mean he's gay, he couldn't have stopped it, etc. But emotionally I don't know if he's really dealt with how he feels about it, if he has anger, the fact that he hasn't had any interest in dating for over 4 years now, the fact that this person is still in all our lives (in small ways) and he can't do anything about it. We're really similar and I know we both tend to look at things from a rational point first and sometimes our emotions get ignored.

Phew. I guess I don't really know what I'm asking, mostly I needed a place to vent and put my thoughts in order. I work at a counselling centre so I have access to a lot of great resources so I'm just going to pass them on to him and let him know that I'm here if he needs support. When he told me I just hugged him and told him I was also a survivor. I feel like knowing that has answered a lot of questions I had about him and really helped me understand where he's coming from. I just want to be able to offer him better support.


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deschatsrouge
post Nov 16 2009, 04:20 PM
Post #35


A symphony of atrocities.
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From: The Sage Brush Steppes


I'm writing a paper on the Feminist centered views of why rape occurs, and Feminist philosophy for treatment of sexual assault survivors. Does any one know any good books besides the prerequisite Against Our Will?


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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koffeewitch
post Nov 11 2009, 01:40 PM
Post #36


Hardcore BUSTie
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From: the Hundred Acre Woods


QUOTE(treehugger @ Nov 8 2009, 04:38 PM) *
I could totally see the scared little boy there, too, and what struck me was how he talked about how it affected him (no girlfriends through high school, scared of sex, didn't know what sex was when it was happening, etc) and it just struck me, that men are just as traumatized by it as women. They just have a bigger stigma against TALKING about it.

Another thing that struck me, he was raped by a woman. It's easy to think, because he wasn't penetrated, that he wasn't traumatized. But, I tell you, knowing him as intimately as I know him, he was deeply traumatized.


Hell, yeah. And so many men can never stop blaming themselves because they believe they should have been tough enough to stop the assault. (Even if they were kids and had no power in the situation).

Depending on whose stats you want to believe in the U.S. one out of every six (or 1 out of every 10) boys are sexually molested/raped by their 18th birthday. Many of these guys grow up to be perps themselves, of course.
A horrible anecdote:When my BF was in prison for drug possession he knew a guy who had just been raped. The rape victim chose a female guard to report to about the rape; he thought a woman would be more compassionate. While he was telling her how he was forced down and sodomized she said, "and I betcha liked it". The good part of this story is that he then PUNCHED her in the face. Obviously he immediately got his ass kicked and would up in the "hole" (solitary confinement). Moral: Women can be just as ignorant and insensitive toward rape victims as men. Sad to say.

One more anecdote (and this one makes me cry when I "talk" about it, so bear with me, here): Years ago, my friend "Jane" went to a big feminist conference out west. One of those big camping out doors festivals that go on for a week-end. Anyway, part of the conference included free childcare in the "childcare tent". One of the participants had a tiny baby boy that she dropped off at the tent before she went to her little hour long workshop. When she returned to pick up her baby, she heard him crying and ran into the tent to find him unattended. This was strange: it was one of the rules that children were never to be left unattended. The baby was wailing and screaming like he was in pain. When she checked him, she found that someone or someones had drawn a bullseye around her baby's anus and left a marker stuck up his ass. THIS HAPPENED IN OUR OWN COMMUNITY. A FEMINIST CONFERENCE. This poor mother had noticed lots of comments from others about her baby's sex; i.e. about his being a boy. She (obviously ) was devastated and told as many other conference participants (including my friend "Jane" before she left). I have no more words for this atrocity except to say I am still seething and horrified that this happened in our own "house" of sister feminist activist women.


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treehugger
post Nov 8 2009, 02:38 PM
Post #37


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QUOTE(kittenb @ Nov 8 2009, 09:30 AM) *
The few men whom have told me their assault stories in non-work situations have always been drunk or high.


See, that is what was weird, it was at work. No alcohol or drugs involved, just an at work conversation, over bologna sandwiches. I could totally see the scared little boy there, too, and what struck me was how he talked about how it affected him (no girlfriends through high school, scared of sex, didn't know what sex was when it was happening, etc) and it just struck me, that men are just as traumatized by it as women. They just have a bigger stigma against TALKING about it.

Another thing that struck me, he was raped by a woman. It's easy to think, because he wasn't penetrated, that he wasn't traumatized. But, I tell you, knowing him as intimately as I know him, he was deeply traumatized.


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auralpoison
post Nov 8 2009, 12:44 PM
Post #38


Big Fat Bitch
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When did prison rape become comedy? Really? It makes me feel horrible every time I see it/hear it. There is an entire section in the David Wain (Whom I love, Wet Hot American Summer, anyone?) movie the Ten that is about how Rob Cordry wants to be the prison guy raping Ken Marino every night instead of Marino's cellmate. It bothers me a lot.


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kittenb
post Nov 8 2009, 10:30 AM
Post #39


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 6 2009, 12:22 PM) *
I've had a few guys confess rape/sexual abuse to me (usually, not always, when we were getting high and they felt safe enough to talk about it).

The few men whom have told me their assault stories in non-work situations have always been drunk or high.

QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 6 2009, 12:22 PM) *
BTW, I HATEHATEHATE all the jokes in movies, pop-culture, etc. about men getting raped in prisons/lockerrooms, whatever. All of the "don't drop the soap" jokes.

DITTO!!!

QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 6 2009, 12:22 PM) *
Did you guys see that story on the news yesterday about the gang-rape in California? A girl was raped for 2 and a half hours while on-lookers cheered and filmed it. NOBODY intervened or called the police. They didn't want to be snitches. (I guess they have no problem being accessories to rape just as long as they're not snitches). mad.gif


This story freaked me out and has thrown more then one of my clients for a total loop. I just want to go to that girl and help her and hold her until all of those assholes are thrown in jail.


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In times of destruction, create something.
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koffeewitch
post Nov 6 2009, 01:22 PM
Post #40


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 474
From: the Hundred Acre Woods


I've had a few guys confess rape/sexual abuse to me (usually, not always, when we were getting high and they felt safe enough to talk about it). It's always kind of earth shattering when I know some super macho tough guy and all of a sudden I get a glimpse of that scared, hurt little boy that lives beneath all of that armor. Treehugger, it's wonderful that you apparently exude some kind of aura that allows people to feel safe opening up to you.

BTW, I HATEHATEHATE all the jokes in movies, pop-culture, etc. about men getting raped in prisons/lockerrooms, whatever. All of the "don't drop the soap" jokes. There is nothing funny about rape; I don't care who it is happening to. I know this is beyond obvious to all of us, but for some reason society at large sees men getting raped as some enormous laugh riot.

Did you guys see that story on the news yesterday about the gang-rape in California? A girl was raped for 2 and a half hours while on-lookers cheered and filmed it. NOBODY intervened or called the police. They didn't want to be snitches. (I guess they have no problem being accessories to rape just as long as they're not snitches). mad.gif


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"The U.S. is the only nation on Earth to pass from barbarism into decadence without once passing through an era of civilization."
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: August 20, 2014 - 05:14 AM