[knorl05]

way to derail kal :-P

playin

i'm just sayin. i like to throw my two cents in every now and again cos i been around and seen some chit.

soo. anyway. the ex's. yeah. they're intense. mine and me been good as of late. i've decided, there's a whole huge world out there that has absolutely nothing to do with my ex. i'll enjoy him for now, but i've got my eye on My Life, not his.

ps.

"amazing" = her own entity

[Kalevra]

I admit, I had said that based on the neverending battle of the sexes, and the humorous assumption that men are the root of most trouble in the world of a woman. I certainly never expected the responses that have been supplied...

they want an amazing woman who will adore them and let them have what they want when they want it.

this is true.....thats the undeniable truth, I have to admit, personally....but it is not realistic, and most/all guys know it....

I do not want a subserviant partner, I do not want a slave, I do not want someone at my beck and call, .....thats not what men want. Maybe some men do...?...anyway, hope I didn't open a can of worms here..

[knorl05]

i think that's unfair to say. i do believe guys know what they want, it's just that what they want isn't really feasible. *generally* they want an amazing woman who will adore them and let them have what they want when they want it.

[Anita18]

All men are bastards

LOL, neh, I would say that all men don't really know what they want. Which then leads to confusion in relationships, but that's kinda how it would naturally progress...

[knorl05]

All men are bastards,

i soo disagree*

[Kalevra]

Take this any way you want to Edie......*suggest a pinch of salt, and dash of tequila*

he was totally cheerful and denied even caring

Nah, it is EATING.HIM.UP!

He will never say so though, because as you so rightfully pointed out, he has no right to be upset. So he takes the next route.....to make you feel like your 'I can get any guy I want, including your mate'-response seem insignificant, and it worked. Here is the proof...

Which I was totally not ready for

All men are bastards, and I am their King ....*and their Judas for revealing male sentiment on a feminist forum*

[edie52]

Hey guys, I'm back (2 months later), and nothing has changed in my situation with my ex! He still buys me presents and we hang out and laugh tons and it feels great, but then he becomes distant. He's really messing with me. Maybe I should just try to forget about him.

The weirdest thing that happened, though, is that he found out that I hooked up with our friend's brother recently, and our friend told me that he was really upset when he found out... so I called him on it, and he was totally cheerful and denied even caring. Which I was totally not ready for. I was expecting him to admit that he was upset (although he technically has no right to be), and for us to talk about what's been going on with us lately. But nope.

[p_176]

hey all - having activities outside a relationship will definitely help [you] stay focused on who you are without a boyfriend. the guy i was talking about earlier (thanks for your feedback, knorl) - i have since had a falling out with him - we decided to not date seriously, but yet he would react to everything as though he was my boyfriend, which i was certainly not going to tolerate. so am in the process of getting to know some new folks but am making very certain that my priorities, as far as my self (personal time), family and my closer friends, are in set order.
my exfiance is still being relatively passive aggressive with me, and he knows why we broke up (he finally agrees that we make better friends than we do a couple)....it still hurts a little bit - loving someone so much and then the relationship is not right and does not work out; it also sucks big time that he knows he is passive aggressive, and he knows that i would consider his criticism as a way to self-develop, but he does not think my criticisms of him are important enough to do anything about - but i know that that is his problem (being passive aggressive) not mine, and all i can do is be the best person i can be.
sorry to ramble....i am just thankful every day that i am single and successful, instead of settling for someone who is not a good partner for me.

[knorl05]

caroline_no: advice on staying strong.. get yourself into something new that has nothing to do with a relationship. redirect your attention, discover a hidden talent, get into You. examples could be, take a arts/crafts class, join a book club, get into yoga, start going to plays, become a mentor, join a church, get a side job, learn a new craft.. something to really connect you to the core of who you are. good luck

p_176: my first thought? is to do something really amazing for him in bed, something you wouldnt normally do.. like act out one of your fantasies with him. but that doesnt mean you have to rely on sex to get close.. you could share something intimate with him to let him know that you trust him enough to invest more of yourself into the relationship. i mean, he may still be insecure over the relationship, but you cant control that. as long as you know where you stand, that is all that should matter. he'll get over it once he realizes he's being irrational and jealous. i would imagine..

[p_176]

my exfiance is extremely passive aggressive. he won't answer direct questions, especially if it's about something he should have done (like change his address with mva so his mail won't come to my house anymore).
the ex and my new guy met each other last week. it was more awkward than i thought...now i am afraid the new guy is more upset than he will let on - i think he's nervous that i will get back with my ex - but the main reason i still talk to my ex is because we have a a bit of unfinished business - that will take about a year to resolve:-(
i've never been in this situation before - how can i assure my new guy that he's the one i want to be with now?

[caroline_no]

good advice: lay low and see where things stand and figure out for yourself what you want

my ex is totally mental, i think. he's been chasing me but i am 99% sure he now has a live in girlfriend- i'm so glad it's not me!! (he asked me to move in 1 month into our relationship which seemed so weird to me. like, why would i when i have my own place and live pretty close anyway?) he still tells me he loves me and wants to be w/ me but when we are together now (and don't ask me why we sometimes are, he doesn't deserve anything fom me), he never asks me anything about myself and never even seems interested in what i have to say. why would i ever go back? i have told him i am not interested in being w/ him anymore but soon, we wind up exchanging emails and are hanging out. I am embarrassed to say we have had ex-sex. yuck.

i met someone recently who is funny and fun and cool and listens when i talk. nothing major has happened between us (just a few dates, a few good night kisses) and i plan to take this very slowly. when i am w/ him, i realise that the ex is such a jerk! but that ex is still in my life (he's a big nuisance) and i haven't told the new guy about him or if i should right now?..maybe i should lay low to see where things go w/ the new guy?

i have to ask myself why i have seen the ex (i think b/c i had nothing else going on) and how i can stop? any advice on staying strong?

[knorl05]

edie: yeah totally. i was never a jealous girl before him..i figured if a guy wanted to be with someone else, i wouldnt want to be with him anyway. but it sucked because he's a cute little dj/drummer/artist boy who loves getting attention from attractive females. and when he sits there acting all cute pretending he doesnt know what he's doing or what the females are doing.. it's hard to remain secure in the relationship. i found myself becoming more like him and supporting his interests just so we'd have more common ground so that there would be no reason for him to look elsewhere. but i've discovered, fundamentally, this is just the type of person he is. and it doesnt make him a bad person, and it doesnt make him an unfaithful boyfriend.. but i do feel it is unnecessary. and so -whatever- we dont really work as boyfriend/girlfriend. we're much closer being friends anyway.

so you're being passive in the current situation with your ex, but what else can you do? dont be hard on yourself. it's ok to lay low and see where things stand and figure out for yourself what you want. worrying about his thoughts (which is what i've done many times with my ex) can become a huge distraction from your own thoughts. you'll never really know unless he communicates them to you. it's hard to be in that questionable middle ground, but it can be fun too. i've taken the opportunity to learn new things about him as a person, independent of my relationship/interaction with him. trying to remain as objective as possible, has allowed me to appreciate him more for who he is, rather than what i hope to gain in a relationship. stay confident and strong, and follow your own intuition of what's necessary for your situation.

[edie52]

Thank you all for the avalanche of thoughts and advice! I think you hit the nail on the head (though I wish someone would hit my ex on the head) knorlo, when you said that your ex started to want you back when you started turning back into the person you became before you started dating. When we were together I got very jealous and insecure- part of it was just a side of me that I'd been keeping to myself before we got together, but part of it was created by the conditions of our relationship. My dependance on him was probably the biggest reason for the breakup. I'm scared of that happening again, so I'm not going to do or say anything, unless something is said or made to happen that makes it clear that we should be back together. I hate being so passive like this, but it's so easy... and makes sense right now. I should just continue on the way I have been, as it seems to be working.

The shittiest thing is actually knowing that he was thinking of getting back together, and now he doesn't seem to be... makes me wonder what he's thinking, what made him change his mind... I'm just so curious about this man and what he wants, what he loves... always have been.

[knorl05]

yeah edie, i agree with what bella said. i've found men are most attracted to women who have their own identity and their own mind. i got all wrapped up in my ex and began acting out of character and getting all possessive. that just wasnt me and i didnt like the me i turned into. so i broke it off. and he freaked out, and then he moved on.. and i thought we were ready to start it up again but he would consistently tell me he didnt want to date anyone. said he didnt want a girlfriend. but then we'd hook up and he'd push me away.. and then we finally got to the point that we were just cool.. you know real good friends. and now i can tell he really values me and appreciates me, which is something i questioned while we were together. and i know it has a lot to do with the fact that i'm returning to the me i was before we started dating, the person he was most attracted to when we met and the person i feel most confident in. as far as us getting back together, i really do think he's my soul mate (although i know that sounds uber romantic).. simply because we have this bond that i've never been able to establish with anyone else. and i dont ever want to. so in order for us to remain close, we really have to listen to each other and decide what we want from each other as people. we've got to look at our own lives and figure out what is necessary for us, not what is most traditional. so i'd say, follow your heart but also dont get so wrapped up in it that you ignore your head. do what's best for the situation and i would say it should all work out just fine. ;-)

[tempest]

Edie, just my two cents....

I had an ex that would pop up once a year, for seven years, wanting to get back together. In fact, he just did a few months ago, and was none too happy to hear that I had gotten married. The reason he was doing this, I finally figured out, was that the time we were together happened to coincide with a time when his life was pretty easy and he had a plan of what he had always thought his life should be. Once he started questioning that plan, and began to figure out what he truly wanted and who he was/is, he started running into the difficult work of changing his situation and mindset. He did not want to do that work, and so would latch onto me as a a symbol of a time when he didn't have to. I wasn't important; he just wanted things to be simple again. Now, he would tell me things like he still loved me, I had set the standard for any relationships he'd had since, etc, etc, but ultimately, he would shy away from the work of forming a new relationship between the people we had become.

I'm not saying that's what happening with you and your ex; I just remember how it felt to be pursued by someone who would not see that I was different, that he was different, and that life changes and new challenges must be met, not ignored in favor of an illusion of what was.

[pixiedust]

So true gypsyraven! I was with the man before Mr. Pixie for a long time. And he kept pushing for us to not date exclusively and to date other people. So I did, and tehn he'd change his mind and want to be exclusive. Then we had a discussion about where we were heading, and we were looking in two different directions. We could come up with a workable compromise, so we decided to end it. But as soon as Mr. Pixie and I got engaged(it didn't take long) He came running back telling me how he had decided he wanted to marry me, he had told all of his friends and such. I used to love this man with my whole heart, at one point there was nothing in the world I wanted to hear more than those words. But to see him there grasping at what he couldn't have just repulsed me beyond belief! Some people only want what they can't have. And once they have it, lose interest and go searching for teh next big thing to conquer.

[gypsyraven]

My ex actually had the nerve to send me a cheap walmart diamond ring in the mail the day before my wedding!! He let me go so he could travel greener pastures, believing I was so crushed that I would wait for him. He never showed any interest in getting back together until he seen I was moving on. Now where I have gone with this, Edie, you have become a new person and you seem to like this person. Why would you want that reminder of who you were? I say, look to the future. Chances are, he sees the changes and wants to try and pull you back. My 2 cents.

And that was not an insult, I am sure you were a lovely person, but you seem very content with where you are now.

[bella coola]

I totally agree with GGG. There was a comedian that compared ex's to sour milk - he said that dating an ex is like putting sour milk back in the fridge and then taking it out later to see if it's good. Ha

But people change. Ask your gut!

Someone should really hide that soapbox from me

[girlygirlgag]

I have always been really cautious with myself and friends about getting back with an ex.

I would weigh why you are notgetehr in the first place, because sometimes there is a BIG reason, which may be masked by the fact that everythign is so great right now.

[bella coola]

Hi there edie, please pardon me for BUSTing in!

Just reading about the person that you have become - perhaps that's why he's pursuing you now. You've realized who you really are, and so has he - and he's like, 'whoa!'. Awesome! I would think that you could remain that person and still give another go with him. Anything's possible, right? Just make sure and stay true to yourself. If anything doesn't quite feel right - don't do it! Or at least step back and take a closer look at what's in your best interest. Keep doing things that make you happy, and go ahead and share that happiness with whomever you deem worthy.

*steps off her soapbox and gives a little curtsy*

Pleased to meet you. Hope you enjoy your friendship and whatever comes of it