[phobia]

"I know Mr. Pug checks out other women but he comes home with me. "

Exactly. It's a relationship, not a police state

[LoveMyPugs]

You have to get acclimated to the fact that he probably DOES look at or fantasize about other women. Probably not when he's in bed with you, but idly, as the day goes by. Personally, I was not struck blind to good-looking people when I met my boyfriend, nor was my brain somehow damaged and I was suddenly only able to fantasize about my boyfriend.

I have to kinda agree with this part. I believe men to be much more visual and physical as they need variety in their minds in order to stay true in their bodies. I know Mr. Pug checks out other women but he comes home with me.

[phobia]

Rudderless -- My only advice to you is to echo what Pugs said. The longer you guys have a good solid relationship, the more you realize you really can rely on him, the less insecure you'll feel.

I'm concerned about the level of freak-out you had regarding this modeling thing. You have to get acclimated to the fact that he probably DOES look at or fantasize about other women. Probably not when he's in bed with you, but idly, as the day goes by. Personally, I was not struck blind to good-looking people when I met my boyfriend, nor was my brain somehow damaged and I was suddenly only able to fantasize about my boyfriend. It's unfair to expect him to be struck blind. You need to realize that 2 Beeps is human too, and that you can't police his thoughts, but that you CAN expect him to remain faithful and work hard on your relationship.

Why does it matter? Well, the sooner you get over this jealousy thing, the sooner he can get his business going (I'm assuming this won't be the only time this comes up?), and the less resentment you'll bank. Think about it -- if you freak out EVERY TIME he shoots a model, and he backs out EVERY TIME, he'll eventually resent you for ruining his business.

Anyway, I don't want to sound too preachy. I've seen jealousy ruin some friends' relationships, and it's so sad, especially when it's the unwarranted kind of nutty jealousy (no offense!). Please try to listen to your brain and get to a place where you're not going to freak out over his JOB.

And how to prevent him turning into a ratbag? Have faith in yourself and your ability to attract the right kind of guy Not all guys are like that, rest assured!

[LoveMyPugs]

AMEN!!!!

[swedishchick]

Anyone here who has never done this comparing and putting yourself down? This is what I tend to do:

I compare my body to a freakin' supermodel's.
I compare my intelligence to various "Einsteins"
I compare my professional career to that of a 45 year old
I compare my language skills to a native's

etc...

Can we just cut ourselves some slack here? We can't be the winner of every imagined championship we play in our heads!

It's the whole package that counts. That package being you, the one he is in love with.

Hope that pep-talk helped, at least a little bit...

[LoveMyPugs]

How do I get over this bullshit?

rudderlesschild - I was like that with Mr. Pug when we first started dating. Honestly, I'm really tired and it's been a long day and it's looking like tomorrow is going to be just as long so here is all I have to tell you...you'll feel different with time and the insecurities will fade away. Other then that just tell yourself that he loves you and even if things don't work out you'll be fine. So there is no reason to be so insecure. That's what I tell myself. I love Mr. Pug with everything I have and although I'd be heart broken for a long, long, long time if he left me, I'd know it was for a good reason and that both of us are probably better off in the long run. I'd be angry and hurt and miss him but I'm an independent woman and I'd be okay eventually. Does that help at all? Sorry I don't have much to offer tonight.

[LoveMyPugs]

I wonder if the root of the issue is with media, or with the general selfishness of all the gen x and y ers. My SO and I talk about EVERYthing, and we seem to have a pretty great relationship for the most part. Which is why so many of my friends come to me for advice. But they just don't wanna put in the effort. But you know, it's much easier to say "well, she's just crazy!" than actually go "ok, about half of this is my fault, what can I do to help?"

Phobia -

I couldn't agree more babe. I think you hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the way my and Mr. Pug's parents act just disgusts me. They seem to have no respect for one another. Since instituting our lifestyle change *wink* we rarely fight and are more in love then ever before. I'm sure you feel the same way we do. It's wonderful.

[phobia]

Shiny, first of all congrats on the wee one! Second, I think you're right. It does have a lot to do with being selfish. I wonder if the root of the issue is with media, or with the general selfishness of all the gen x and y ers. My SO and I talk about EVERYthing, and we seem to have a pretty great relationship for the most part. Which is why so many of my friends come to me for advice. But they just don't wanna put in the effort. But you know, it's much easier to say "well, she's just crazy!" than actually go "ok, about half of this is my fault, what can I do to help?"

Hope your mr. keeps helping. New babies can be very frustrating (I'm an auntie myself, not a mum, but trying my best to keep my friend sane!).

[shinyx3]

pugs, i am in a similar situation. my mr works and i ave been going to school. this summer i didn't take any classes (i just had our baby on the 8th) and i am not taking any classes this fall either. so i totally get where you are coming from. i do have to say to my hubby's credit that he has been doing tons of the house work and has not said a work about what i have not been doing lately.


phobia, i do get what you are saying though, relationships are alot of work but the god ones are sooo worth the work! there are people who just dont want to put forth the effort and then bitch that they can't find a good relationship when in reality they are just being selfish. besides, if you have ever been in a relationship where your s.o. does everything you want because of easy manipulation (i have been here) you get bored pretty quick.

[phobia]

Pugs! Where have you been? I've been worried sick you know!

Shiny and Pugs, I don't know if that's what I mean. It's more like I'm often confronted with my friends who are in these relationships that they seem to think should be perfect all the time. When a problem comes up, especially one that's slightly uncomfortable to talk about, the thought of having a conversation never enters their minds. They seem to want to know how to manipulate their partner into doing what they want without having to talk or do anything hard. I blame the mainstream media, which portrays relationships as contests, where there are all those "rules," where women (especially, but not exclusively) manipulate men. That, unfortunately, is not how relationships really work in the real world. You have to talk about things, you aren't 100% compatible on everything, sometimes stuff needs discussed. It's just so frustrating.

Another thing the media pisses me off about in their portrayals of relationships is how women are portrayed as this obstacle to men having fun. This seems to lead to a lot of my single guy friends being miserable, dating girls they don't even LIKE, because that's what they think they are supposed to do. I'm not saying my boyfriend and I don't have other friends, but I like hanging out with him best of all. Everything's more fun with him around. Well, usually, but you dig what I mean

[LoveMyPugs]

shinyx3-

I feel like that often. I realy do. Especially about housework. I don't work. I go to school fulltime. However, this summer, I only took two classes. They were ten weeks long so most of the summer I was sitting on my butt doing nothing. Now Mr. Pugs works 10 hours a day and is out in the heat/cold and when he comes home he wants to eat dinner, shower, watch a little tv and go to bed. I used to get really angry that he wouldn't help me with housework. He would get angry and say that I didn't do anything all day. I told him that housework is supposed to be equal. He'd say that that didn't seem fair when he's working all day and I'm sitting around complaining about being bored. I didn't want to compromise on the "housework should be equal" because I didn't want him to think that housework is stereotypical woman's work. But in all honesty, he's been home this week on vacation and he's helped me out quit a bit. He has cooked practically every meal and his money (he's nice and calls it our money) has paid for everything we've done over vacation. We aren't even married and he put out over $100 for me to go to the doctor the other day cause I have an ear infection. I think he was actually irritated that I waited so long to go just because it was going to cost so much (we don't have medical insurance). I truely think that if the tables were turned and he wasn't working that he would do everything around the house for me. It took me a while to get my head around this. I honestly get tired of doing laundry and dishes all the time. There are certainly times when I let it go and dishes/laundry pile up. He never bitches about it. He knows I'll get around to it eventually. I think we've kinda come to this agreement that I'll do most of the housework but when I get sick of it and let it go for a bit he won't bitch about it. works for me!!!

[p_176]

shiny - maybe that's it. i really have no idea. i do know that when you've lived alone and had things a certain way for a while, it can be hard to change that. but i seem to know lots of people who pretty much, absolutely, won't change, and then bitch that they're not in a relationship. ah well.

[shinyx3]

i think there may be a bit of misunderstanding with the modern woman about compromise. i know there has been some misunderstanding with me about it. i wonder if maybe i am not alone. i am in a successful relationship (i am married) but had a rather abusive previous marriage and was seroiusly afraid to compromise with my hubby because i thought i was compromising myself. which, when i look back on it, i am not compromising myself and in fact he makes me a better and stronger person through compromise.

[p_176]

"Just as an aside, does anyone else who's successfully (sp?) comitted get really frustrated at the "live happily ever after" ethos prevalent lately? It seems like a lot of people think that their SO should automatically be able to read their minds, that everything is going to be fun, that relationships aren't work, and that they'll never argue. You wouldn't believe the "issues" some of my friends have had that would be easily fixed (or nonexistent!) if the two people involved would have a conversation! Gah! Sometimes you have to have hard conversations, and sometimes you'll misinterpret each other, and sometimes you'll argue! It's reality, yo, not a fucking Disney movie!"

phobia - amen to that. i talked with my guy about how we saw the future of our relationship - we're not rushing into marriage or anything but definitely want to continue to develop our relationship. we both know it's work ESPECIALLY since we're an hour or so apart from each other.

i know so many people who are in their early to mid 30s, single, complain about it, yet are completely unwilling to bend or compromise. <shakes head> i don't get it.

[phobia]

Sassy -- sounds like you are still carrying major scars from your abusive ex. Rest assured, although some people are abusers, not everyone is! Just because you move in together, it does not neccessarily follow that you will lose your freedom. If you feel comfortable enough to move in together, you should feel comfortable enough to talk with him about all of your fears. If you aren't comfortable enough to discuss such things, I'd reconsider whether your relationship would improve by moving in together or not. Not trying to be rude, of course, but if you really can't talk to him about important stuff, cohabitating might not work out that great!

Just as an aside, does anyone else who's successfully (sp?) comitted get really frustrated at the "live happily ever after" ethos prevalent lately? It seems like a lot of people think that their SO should automatically be able to read their minds, that everything is going to be fun, that relationships aren't work, and that they'll never argue. You wouldn't believe the "issues" some of my friends have had that would be easily fixed (or nonexistent!) if the two people involved would have a conversation! Gah! Sometimes you have to have hard conversations, and sometimes you'll misinterpret each other, and sometimes you'll argue! It's reality, yo, not a fucking Disney movie!

Sorry, rant over

[sassygrrl]

Debating on whether or not I want to move in with my boyfriend. Right now, I don't have a job. So, I'd be moving in with him for financial reasons. And I figure, I'm over there much more than I am at my apartment. But I'm seriously having some doubts.

Also, the last guy I lived with was seriously abusive. Although, I know that my new boyfriend is not like this, I still can't help but make comparisons.

I'm also worried that I'll lose some of my freedom of living on my own, and just doing my own thing.

[p_176]

have been talking to my guy about the future of our relationship - it's been almost a year, and i'm his first serious relationship, so i'm wondering if he's really going to want to marry me at some point, or if he's going to want to sow wild oats?

[LoveMyPugs]

On another note, for my first time we were both virgins too - and it didn't quite "work" the first couple times. I think I was too nervous about it hurting, and then that was worse...

Same with me and Mr. Pug. First couple times didn't work. I was nervous and therefore my body was like, "No way! What is that? Not happening." Eventually, we wanted to badly enough and it happened. I'd go as far as to say the first three times we had sex sucked. Not that it hurt or anything it was just boring cause neither one of us knew what we were doing. We were both virgins. Now, he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I know what he loves and vice versa. There is none of that, "Well my ex liked that so why don't you?" kinda stuff. My friend F. talks to me about his girlfriends every time he gets a new one. Once he confided in me that he couldn't understand why he couldn't make his current gf ejaculate when he had made his ex do it so easily. I had to have a long sit down discussion with him after that. Somtimes men really need to be educated. He thought cause his current gf wasn't ejaculating that she wasn't actually cumming and that she was faking it. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Men?!?!

I wish that Mr. Pug and I had waited a little longer. Not that I regret having sex when we did I just think we did it because others were doing it and not because we were ready. Still, my first time would have been with him either then or later on and we must have done something right cause we are still together. Mr. Pug's guy friends used to get on him about having only slept with one woman. They said, "How do you know she is any good in bed if you have nothing to compare to?" He'd just reply, "To me she is fantastic because I have nothing to compare to. She is the best and will always be the best." *squeel* He's so sweet to me!

Starkitty - just wait until you know for sure and you will know for sure when the time comes. The first time I talked to Mr. Pug on the phone I came home and told my mom that I met the man I was going to marry (even though we hadn't actually met in person but just on the phone). She tells people this all the time. She thinks I have ESP or something. I also dreamed that I was kissing a guy on the steps outside of someone's house and I knew what I was wearing and what he was wearing but I couldn't see his face. The scary thing is that it happened. Weeks later, Mr. Pug met and I met and later on we had our third kiss on our friend J.'s front steps of his house and we were both wearing what I dreamed. Makes me think now that it was all ment to be.

Good luck.

[missjoy]

Ah - that is why to pepper my thoughts with as much synonyms of "your millage may vary" as possible. I know all relationships are different and it sounds like yours is quite mature and more ready than most for college.

[starkitty]

I understand that concern, but I'm not worried about having sex and then breaking up. I definitely took that into consideration before deciding, but concluding that it wouldn't make it any harder or easier to get over him, because I'm pretty much guaranteed to remember him for the rest of my life in any case, etc. Thanks, though.

I'm also not worried about college. We never had one of those typical high school relationships where a couple spends every second together, because we already went to different schools, so we only saw each other on weekends. Only we actually didn't see each other much then either, because he was always in another state for debate, and if he wasn't then I probably had forensics or rehearsal. So college shouldn't be too different, since we only saw each other about once a month anyway. We may actually see more of each other next year then usual. Weird.

I think I'm more just worried about time in general. Like, a really long time from now. Which I probably shouldn't even be worried about right now, but I'm incredibly pessimistic and silly. Ah, well.