[katiebelle2882]

knorl,

i am not really sure insulting women who work in the sex industry is the answer to this. they have their own reasons whether you agree with them or not. there are busties who are in the sex industry, and while it may not necessarily be porn, your comment is a little condescending to women who find empowerment in what they do and who have made a conscious choice. i know different feminisms treat porn and the sex industry differetly, but while we may not agree i still think its important to respect decisions and try to understand why they are making those decisions. its certainly not their fault certain men in particular cant use porn in a healthy, productive manner that is not detrimental to their relationships with their siginificant others.

zahia-that sucks, i am glad you are working it out.


also, i mean i hardly think women should be viewed as prudes when they see something negatively affecting their sex life and want to do something about it. that is just ridiculous that we have to even consider something like that. thats where the difference between normal use of porn and things you guys have experienced comes into play.

[zahia1996]

Miss Juliet- I really feel for your situation. Porn is just a touchy subject all around, and it varies for everyone. In the past, i didn't have a problem with it. But it led to some pretty signifigant issues with my husband. He used it when he was single, no big deal. He stopped using it after we got together. But then after being deployed in Iraq for a year, he came back a totally different person. He needed it all the time. Nothing I did was enough, no matter how much we had sex, he still needed porn. At first he lied and tried to be sneaky, but I always found out. Laying in bed alone, after I tried to get him to have sex with me, and he chose to just watch porn instead, was humiliating. Being told how to dress, how to look, what things to say... I essentially became his living. breathing blow up doll. Every day after work, it was the first thing he'd do. When I was laying in bed sick, he'd just download it onto the laptop and whack off on the other side of it. I tried to "be cool" with it for a little while, but it became so obvious that it affected our entire relationship. I felt like it was all my fault, and I must be behind the times or what not, because I know some girls are fine with it. But the thing is...he stopped touching me, kissing me and all of that. Sex became 100% about fucking. It got steadily more degrading. It was just an awful experience all around. And he knew how much it upset me, but for some reason, all I would ever get were vague promises to "cut down". Or "don't worry, it has nothing to do with you". I felt like a completely worthless piece of shit. Finally, due to the frequent anxiety attacks, sleeplessness, and general depression I was feeling about it I went to counseling for myself. It has helped tremendously. It helped me to see that it wasn't "my fault", and that my feelings were valid. It was something I had been so ashamed and embarassed about I hadn't discussed it with any of my friends.
The happy ending (so far) to this is that my husband actually took it upon himself to look at the deeper reasons as to why he needed it so much. He also realized that as much as I love him, this is not something I could live with for the rest of my life. He finally got himself into counseling, and made a commitment to stop. Its been a struggle for both of us. There is so much stigma attached to both sides of the debate. Men don't want to be seem as slimeballs, women don't want to be viewed as prudes. Then on the flip side...being a military couple, he gets heckled alot by the guys for not watching it anymore, and they constantly have it around the workplace. Its expected that us gals will just put up with it and let guys be guys.
My advice to anyone out there dealing with this is, if something makes you that uncomfortable, it is worth taking a stand over. The damage it can do to your self esteem and relationship can be so huge otherwise. And also be patient. My husband certainly didn't change overnight, but he did come around. His attitude towards it now is that its just not worth a marriage. And no relationship is ever worth feeling like crap about yourself. Obviously, not everyone has a habit to the extent he did...so it is good to try and keep and open mind I think...but if its something you feel strongly about, don't be ashamed of that.

[knorl05]

missjuliet: i'm so happy for you to take a stand for what you believe in. i think many more people would be happier in the long run if they just stood up for their own ideals. number one, when you're happy in a relationship, you make the other person happy. when one person is not happy, the relationship suffers. good for you to move on!

on a side note, please remember those women are objectifying themselves. they are in the porn industry.. it is their JOB to look like that, to act like that. do not ever compare yourself to them because who you are is much more valuable than their fake, superficial, fading images. be good to yourself. xo.

[katiebelle2882]

yeah you definitly shouldnt have to fantasize about someone else to get off every single time.

pixie, most guys i know who occasionally look at porn (not addicts) realize that those girls arent real, i think the problem becomes when, like you said, they really dont. which most certainly happens.

there is porn that has very real looking girls in it, but guys who are in to that bizarre hardcore stuff certainly dont appreciate women-centered porn.

[pixiedust]

It really does make the sex life suffer. An occasional fantasy dur ing sex is probably healthy, but if you HAVE to fantasize to get off, there is a problem! My ex got that bad. He got offended because I didn't dress up for his birthday nookie....not that he told me beforehand that he expected this. And he also told me the last time we did it that he didn't "get off" although he clearly came. And he tried to pull a Clinton insisting that oral sex with someone else wasn't sex or personal...umm..yeah you just had your face in her snatch!

I'm sorry, but those women in porn are not REAL. Most of them have had implants, lazer hair removal or other painful procedures to look like that..and they are airbrushed to boot! There is no way *I* am ever going to look like that, so the man I am with must be happy with short, squatty, and insatiable! And these guys fail to realize that girls that DO look like that...are never going to give them a second glance! They have to have someone to pay for all those procedures!

Mr. Pixie isn't even all that into porn, thank goodness. We do enjoy looking through magazines together occasionally and making up little fantasies. But he doesn't even own a video..and he likes soft porn rather than the hard core XXX stuff my ex used to like.

[katiebelle2882]

ew on his lunch break cloverbee? if anyone at any point has to lie to their significant other about what they are doing, it usually means they even know they have a problem. its the same as lying about alcohol or drugs. if hes really looking at porn that much its a serious issue. if hes doing every once in awhile i wouldnt say it is. but i would think looking at porn every single day would be a problem. does anyone else here have like an amount that would make it too much? i mean where do we draw the line in terms of problem vs no problem?

i just am so surprised so many people have known guys who have such a problem. maybe i do and i dont know it. its never been any of my boyfriends but i would assume i have to know someone.

miss juliet- i agree with pixie in that its the lying that does the most damage. you can disagree on certain issues in a relationship but the only way those issues are going to be worked out is if theres communication. hes pretty much severed that for you by severing your trust in him as well.

[cloverbee]

pixie, I have been there. I dumped my last boyfriend for "cheating" on me w/ the internet porn. It was sucking the life out of our relationship and sex life. and that is an addiction. he was coming home from work on his lunch break and doing it. it was pretty bad. he would do it when I was home. he always hid it but I found out.
I like to watch porn w/ a guy maybe once a year and that's enough for me. and you all are so right. not every guy likes porn but I have met a lot who were at some point addicted to it. it's a serious issue and don't ever let anyone tell you it isn't or try to invalidate your feelings over it.
we are here for you and I do understand.

[pixiedust]

Porn played a heavy role in my divorce....I always used to like looking at porn with my ex, but it became an addiction and I didn't even fully realize the extent of it until after we were broken up and I started finding crap hidden all over my house! There is defintiely a difference betwen someone who looks at porn for an occasional stimulation and someone who has a full on problem. It becomes an addiction/problem when they can't be truthful about it and lie and hide it to keep from being found out. So then, not only do they have a porn problem, they have created a deceitful wedge between you which is even worse for the relationship.

As much as you want to belive him, my guess is that if he has lied to you about it once, he will lie again. I think it is really the lies that are the most damaging. Lying becomes easier the more we do it and opens the doors for other things.

[katiebelle2882]

hey missjuliet

I think your reasons for disliking porn are very important and valid, so dont ever think they arent. However, a porn addiction and just viewing porn are two totally different things in general. However, given your history, i can see why that distinction may not be so clear. But I just want to know what exactly is a porn addict in your mind? I mean, most porn addicts cant have a normal sexual relationship (doesnt seem to be his case). just watching porn doesnt consitutte one in the most basic sense.

That being said as well, male domination porn=so not cool. however, porn is just that, fantasy, and alot of times what people find sexually stimulating in porn is NOT what they need/want to do in real life. I dont know about thinking that porn is cheating, but that is where it comes down to personal belief. I mean, the fact of the matter is, most guys (and girls) and some point (porn or no porn) visualize having sex with people other than their partner. It's called imagination, and many people would say it keeps relationships alive bc its not cheating but it gives the person of the illusion of something different. Personally, I think its a little unrealistic to think that the love of your life will think of you and only you for 50 plus years of being together and marriage. I think expecting that out of a guy almost makes them lie to you bc its just not possible for many.


That goes back to the fact that he lied to you. Maybe if he explained his position better instead of saying he wouldnt do it and then going back on his word you two wouldnt be in this position. I do think there has to be some compromise here (maybe watching it together?), bc I am not sure if its fair to just be like you have to stop. I mean, all of us busties would SO not be ok with that if the situation was reversed.

i dont know a single guy who doesnt watch porn, although i would say there must be some out there. its a tall order, i wont lie.

also remember, alot of this could come down to insecurity, which, its important to realize that porn does NOT equal, him wanting to actually be with other women. it also doesnt equal him wanting you to look like or do the things those women do. its just not the case in most circumstances. most of the time its what guy would NEVER want his GF to do, but since hes sexually curious, he wants other outlets for things without having to ask you, or do something he would be uncomfortable doing in real life.

what knorl said is true, stay strong, but also remember you are asking him to change, so you have to consider doing so as well. hence the whole compromise thing. what girlbomb said is correct, most people wont stop viewing porn if they enjoy it (for better or for worse) so some sort of middle ground is going to have to be reached. i dont think you should necessarily feel as betrayed as you do, bc he sounds like an otherwise great guy. he should respect your beliefs and background more though, bc it is serious what you went thru with your father, so more communication should definitly have been initiated on his part FROM the get go.

I dont know how i feel about snooping on peoples computers for stuff, but hey, we have all done it.


All this is null and void if he truly is a porn addict.

[missjuliet]

-->knorl

You're response made me tear. Hah. I do need to stay strong with who I am, you're completely right. If I went back with him I'd constantly be remembering what he was watching while he was with me. I'm not the most confident person and the fact that he needed porn makes me feel completely unattractive. I need to be in a better relationship.

He was a very sweet boy. Very funny, smart, and we share so many things in common it's ridiculous. I just don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again. I also thought he was caring, but after lying to me for 2 years I've had a change of heart.

Thank you for responding again<333333

[missjuliet]

-->Tatiana,

I do believe it means unfaitfulness. What he watches - male domination porn - I find immensely disrespectful as well. I'm fine with a curious look, I've definitely done that, but he does a lot of masterbating to this stuff. I feel that he's almost cheating on me considering he is visualizing having sex with many other women.

It's a relief to hear that all guys do not watch it, but I'm so comfortable with him. I know that that feeling is a common reason why breaking up is so difficult, but I'm afraid of losing "love" (if I can even call it that anymore). If I broke up with him, my only reasons for trying again were that I thought he wasn't a porn addict and I felt that he'd never cheat on me. All of this things have been shot to hell and I still don't know why I want to keep trying.

I'm not ok with it, but he keeps promising he's completely done with it and that this whole ordeal has made it impossible for him to enjoy watching it. I'm so wary to believe him because he's made promises before that he never kept.

Thank you for responding, all of these responses have helped so much...<3

[knorl05]

missjuliet: of course.

you're pretty open minded and mature to realize that one opinion is not the "right" opinion, it is simply an opinion based on an individual's circumstances. but for you, you are right. there is absolutely nothing wrong with being sensitive, dont let him turn it around like you're overreacting or anything like that. you do not have to be cool with it if you dont want to be. you dont have to give up your ideals, morals, or ethics, for his approval.

what else have you got in common? what do you like about him? do you see his facsination with porn progressing, or subsiding, with your distaste to it? is he making you feel like you are "wrong" for your feelings? as tatiana said, not all guys DO like porn. just because your experience with men has been that they like porn does not mean that all guys find it acceptable. you do not have to give up on your beliefs, and think that you are always going to have to date men who are porn fanatics.. just stay strong in who you are.

[tatiana]

If all guys watch it then isn't it me who has the problem?

All guys don't watch it. Porn--whether it's online or video or whatever--just doesn't do anything for some people. It is possible to find guys who don't use it, but whether it's a dealbreaker if your guy does is up to you. It might help to figure out what--write down, I'm a writer; I can't help it--it says to you. Does it mean unfaithfulness? Does it mean disrespect? Does it mean abandonment? If you figure this out you might be better able to explain to your boyfriend what his behaviour is saying to you--and if he is still comfortable with it, maybe you need to think about whether you want someone who is ok doing that to you.

Two years may seem like a long time, but it's not a lifetime. If he doesn't give it up, can you live with it? It's ok if the answer is no, but it's better to admit to yourself that's it's a dealbreaker now than after you've invested more in the relationship. If you're unsure whether you have a grip on your reaction to porn because of your past history, maybe you should go to a few counselling sessions to get an objective opinion as to whether you are rational about this or a joint-session so that an objective outsider can help the two of you discuss it in a meaningful way. This may be too extreme for you.

i wouldn't put up with it, but that's me. I'm ok with the occasional curious look (which I've also done from time to time) but not with compulsive behaviour or daily viewing. It's ok to have your own standards and stick to them--you just have to accept that it may be a dealbreaker.

[missjuliet]

Thank you for the response knorl

First he said he knew what he was doing was a bad habit, but he wrote me a note today stating that he forgot that I was so "sensitive" and not that he had a problem.

I can't tell if he's sincere about giving it up or not.

I have a strong opinion about porn, but that doesn't make my opinion right.

If all guys watch it then isn't it me who has the problem?

::many hugssss::

<3

[knorl05]

missjuliet- essentially it sounds like you are asking if his behavior is normal.. and whether or not your reaction to it is normal. porn is a question of ethics - of personal morals. you have a very specific reason for hating porn.. the experiences you've had with it have been damaging. perhaps the only bad experience he has had with porn, is that it threatens your relationship. i do not think he has "given up" on porn. he may put off on watching it because it upsets you, but to him there is nothing wrong with porn. he either has to see porn as wrong, or unnecessary, in order for him to stop watching it. maybe he watched porn because it wasnt that big of a deal to him to begin with.. as though maybe he never really had a problem, maybe he just watched it out of boredom, curiousity, or to prove something about his manness. here he has a great, sensitive girlfriend who cares about him a lot. he's willing to give up on an activity that he enjoys for you because YOU ARE WORTH IT. but if in fact it is a problem for him, that could signify sexual addiction, and that is something entirely different. keep your eyes and ears open. dont be blind because it feels easier. if you notice his behavior is a problem for you, you are the one who has to decide whether or not the relationship is worth it.

[missjuliet]

::hugs::

Thank you for the reply.

Is your boyfriend watching porn really that terrible or am I completely overreacting though?

He says he's given it up forever and I know I shouldn't believe him, but I want to so badly.

We've been together for 2 years and I've never known this side of him, but I want so badly to just forgive and forget. If I ever find out he never even tried to cut back I'd completely break down.

Again, thank you for the reply dear.

<3

[girlbomb]

Hi there, missjuliet.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so lousy. The porn issue can be very tricky in relationships, if both partners do not agree on it. It sounds to me like porn upsets you very much (and while nobody has to have a "reason" to feel their feelings, it sounds like you have a very solid reason for not liking porn -- you've seen it hurt relationships before). Whereas your boyfriend likes porn and wants to continue using it. So in a way, it's like any other relationship issue -- you want one thing, he wants another. If both of you can compromise, you can work it out; if not, you probably can't.

The thing is, in my experience, one partner does not tend to stop using porn because the other partner wants them to. The porn user (again, in my experience, both lived and read about) tends to say they will stop using, but they don't. If you've confronted him about it before and he's lied, it's probably because he doesn't want to stop using porn, and all the discussions in the world won't change his desire to use.

So maybe it's worth asking yourself, Is this a dealbreaker? Can I live with someone who uses porn, especially porn that I find disturbing, or not? Because expecting other people to change their deeply ingrained pleasure-habits for us often leads to heartbreak. Maybe he will quit using porn, but it doesn't seem likely. It's always safer to assume that the other person won't change; that way, we aren't pinning our futures to someone else's actions. The only ones we can change are ourselves. And I'm not suggesting that you change into someone who loves porn -- that seems as unlikely as changing your partner into a non-user. But the pain and confusion in your post is apparent, and I hope you will be able to change something about the situation so that you are happy, with or without him.

Good luck, lady.

[missjuliet]

Dear lovely Bustees,

I know I'm still a newbie here, but I am in a terrible place right now and need some advice.

Today I discovered that my boyfriend has a "porn problem"

My father had a terrible problem with porn as well and it led to my parents divorce. Because of this, porn is a really touchy subject for me.

I've told him about my father and why it upsets me before. I confronted him about it and he lied, but I was sneaky and went on his computer where I saw some really strange things. It had to do with drawn animals and it was really disturbing.

Anyway, I'm terribly upset and was wondering if I'm overreacting.

Do all guys really watch porn?

If you're going out with a guy do you feel it's ok if they do watch it?

And if you feel it's ok do you ever feel upset that he isn't satisfied with you and you only?

I'm so confused and upset.

He said he'd change, but I'm not sure what to believe.

Please help!

<3