[MadameHooch]

Hi Busties

It's almost 1 a.m. here in Jersey, I have to get up early tomorrow bc my boyfriend and I are leaving for a trip I was really anticipating, but I have had a horrible night and can't sleep.

My relationship with my mother has been nothing short of absolutely terrible for years. We went through a really good period for a while and I was so happy to think we were past our hardships, but recently things have been worse then ever before. She is a person who has been through a lot of hardships, which is why she may be the way she is, but she is a very very negative person and is always trying to rub off that negativity on to me. I have suffered from bad spells of depression my whole life, probably because of a toxic environment I grew up in with two unstable parents. She does not see the reality, and often makes very very hurtful comments about my being "crazy." Our arguments can get pretty intense, hateful, and sometimes even violent.

Tonight we got into a pretty bad one at a restaurant that no doubt would have turned into an absolute wreck if we weren't out in public. She pushes me to a point of such rage that I do hateful and terrible things, and then I fall into such a deep dark place bc I am over come with self loathing for my existence.

I got up and left the restaurant before we got our check, threw my money down on the table and as I was walking out she said "Don't you dare leave or you will be sorry," to which I gave an awful awful awful response. I have been feeling pretty terrible all night.

She hasn't answered my calls for hours and hours, she was drinking at the restaurant, and drives pretty recklessly when she is angry. I'm worried sick and can't get to sleep. I'm having terrible thoughts - why would she tell me not to leave or I'd be sorry?

I'm an adult, in my 20s, and spend a majority of the week living with my boyfriend to escape the hell at my mom's house (she is a hoarder and our house is also in shambles bc we can't afford to get things fixed/can't have people come in the house bc it's such a wreck), so it's not like "I'll be sorry" because I won't be allowed to go out Friday night or something.

I need rest but I am depressed, worried,and guilty.

[rogue]

That is great news, splendor!

And yes, I agree, it is very odd that he is updating Facebook. Seriously! I don't understand some people.

((((splendor & your cousin))))

[foryoursplendor]

For anyone who heard about my cousin's shooting, the doctors were able to save her arm through skin grafts. She's out of the hospital and hiding out because her ex-boyfriend still hasn't been found. He's been updating his facebook though, which is kind of weird... who updates their facebook status when they're running from the law for attempted murder? He's not the smartest...

Thanks again for the caring/concern everyone!

[rogue]

Thanks so much coffee (and other Busties) - all of your opinions are very well received. I like hearing what you all think of this.

I don't know what will happen with my stepsister. I don't think she will try to start anything. If she does I will just calmly tell her it is neither the time nor the place to discuss whatever it is she feels that I am doing wrong. I think that the trip will be quite manageable and I would be surprised if she wanted to fight through the whole duration, as I know I definitely don't! I can be a very civil person at times, especially with people who I don't get along with (kill them with kindness/you get more flies with honey than vinegar - these are the lessons that I have been taught my whole life). I think if it came down to it my father would step in and put us in our respective corners, but I am hoping that it won't come to that. My stepsister can be a bitch but I think she would have the brain in her head to not cause shit on someone else's day. At least, I hope she would.

I am going to talk to my other non-hating stepbrother, J, to see if I can make the trip up there with him and his girlfriend. J and I live in the same province (Nova Scotia), whereas my stepsister, S1, lives in a different province (New Brunswick), and my father and stepmother and sister (S2 - she also has an "S" name hehe), live in yet another province (Prince Edward Island) so it's complicated on how we are all going to meet up. I think S1 is going to drive up and meet my dad + stepfam in PEI and they were going to try to pick me up in New Brunswick or something, but I don't know how that is going to pan out. I am pretty sure J and his GF are going up for the grad and since we live in the same city I am going to see if I can tag along with them. That will at least take one 12-hour journey out of the equation. I would hope to come back with my dad + stepfam though, because they are planning on visiting Quebec City, where I have never been. S1 and I have never flat-out fought, per se, this is the first time that I actually have just stopped communicating with her. I just think that she was a heinous bitch about her wedding and treating me the way she did was not acceptable.

Here I go again, talking too much. It's nice to hear that I'm thought of as good natured, though. I like that. And you definitely did not come off as forward, coffee, I think I just ramble on a lot and it's hard to find exactly what I mean in a paragraph - I find it hard to stick to short explainations a lot but I'm definitely working on it.

[coffeebean]

Rogue, sorry if my previous post was a little too forward and it may have been interpreted as me thinking that you were going to 'start things' with your stepbrother at his graduation. After lurking here for a long time and posting for a short time, your very good natured/non-drama seeking personality has shone through

So it sounds to me that your mind is pretty much made up about the trip. I think that if you are fine with it then that is what is most important. However, although you may be ready to be the 'bigger person' and put things aside and get along for the week, before going I do think it is important to consider how your are going to feel if you do put yourself out there and your stepsister does NOT take on the same role? What if she starts shit with you? Is your father ready to play the mediator in this situation and not take sides or is he going to fall into his usual role of telling you to make amends for the sake of the others?

I think that you are definitely taking a big risk with this because it is such a long period of time. If you can consider how you might feel if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to and are still willing to try and extend the olive branch even if your family takes it and cracks it over their collective knee then I guess you are ready to go.

This is not meant to dissuade you but rather to have you consider the options. We busties care about you and our alliance is with you!!!!

(((rogue)))

[rogue]

OMG persi, that's what everyone I know says when I tell them about how weird he is with me. That he probably acts like that because he's attracted to me. I honestly have no frigging idea why he acts the way he does. Like sometimes on rare occasions (like I mentioned below) he is nice to me (honest-to-goodness that hug before he left was just too weird! I just kind of stood there in his arms and patted his back and was like, "You...will be okay." It was weird.), and on other occasions he rats me out for no good reason over things that don't even reflect on his "good behaviour" or whatever. I lived with my stepfamily for three months two years ago (when I first started posting here, actually!) and he moved in the same weekend I did and acted like a total asshole to me. I moved there with a guy I was seeing and we all lived there together and he used to "tattle" on my and my then-BF all the time for stuff, even though we were sleeping in the same bed there, etc. It was so weird. Just to get us in trouble, I guess, even though we were being super respectful to everyone. And keep in mind, this is when I was 22 and he was 26. I don't know.

I definitely don't want to go to cause any shit on his day or make amends, I just want to be there. That is not my plan. I want to see him graduate. I feel like this has been a long time coming and I am so proud of him. Most of our shared family members all expected him to last a week and then come home as per his track record, but I thought he was going to surprise the lot of them and stick it through and he did. I have always looked up to him (and not just because he's a giant! haha), he just hasn't seemed to return the sentiment. I used to spend about six weeks every summer living with my dad and stepfamily and I always tried my hardest to work things out with him - I would do his laundry and clean up his room and everything. One time when I was twelve we kind of had a truce when he came back from a summer camp really depressed and we hung out in his room together and listened to Oasis all day, but that was about it. That's the only time I can remember it just being the two of us and him being okay with spending time with me. I don't know. I know things have been hard for him as the oldest out of all of us (he even told his brother [the one I lived with this summer] that he "can't love because of what his mother did to his father" [ie: cheating on him with my dad], which I understand because I kind of feel the same way - that my fucked up family history has skewed/ruined my perception of normal relationships). But all that is besides the point. I just want to be there for him. Sometimes I think he really hates me and then other times I think he just doesn't know what to do with me or how to act around me. I don't know.

As for my stepsister, I could be civil around her. This trip is bigger than the shit that we just went through. I just think it might be initially difficult but I am definitely the bigger person and would never, ever start something. I am non-confrontational by nature so I would never dream of it. She's been pulling this kind of crap my whole life and I've always been able to rein her in and I could probably do so again, but I just don't want to be as close as we were before her wedding because I always end up getting burned and look like the idiot. I also really want to go along because I never get to see my dad and despite all the fucked-up-ness between us I really try to spend any opportunity I have with him. I do love him, I just get really upset - even twenty-one years later! - over what he did and how it broke up our family/screwed our father-daughter relationship.

I'm rambling again. I talk too much. Part of me thinks that doing this will be somewhat cathartic. I'm definitely NOT going to go up their to ruin stepbrother's grad. I just want to go along and take a mini-vacay and chill out, visit two cities I never have, take some photos. I need something like this and to be completely honest, I am very good at not being stressed when others are - I talked to my dad about it last night and he said that there wouldn't be a problem with me coming. I just need to make sure that I am in the right frame of mind. I still have two weeks to prep myself and I feel better about this decision every day.

[Persiflager]

If you do decide to go, I think it might be worth asking stepbrother/stepsister/sister how they'd feel about you coming, just to be polite and get things off to a good start. They might be glad of the olive branch, especially if it was a chance to repair relationships without going into your previous disagreements. However, they might not welcome the added tension. FWIW, I think your stepsister was a total bitch about her wedding, but she is closer to your stepbrother and might resent you being there if she thinks you're going to spoil his day. It would be horrible if you put yourself through all this stress and it wasn't appreciated.

It's a hell of a commitment - I'd find a full day of that situation pretty difficult to deal with, even without the 12-hour journey! Is there a nice message/gift that you can send to your stepbrother to show your support?

Ooh, and this might be totally crazy, but is there any chance your stepbrother avoids you because he's attracted to you? As you didn't grow up with them it's entirely possible, and it would explain his behaviour.

Good luck!

[culturehandy]

I personally think going to the graduation would be a big mistake. If you want to see your friend, book a ticket and see her, but I'd stay away from the rest of the "family".

Seriously, they sound like assholes, why do you want to go through this? If you want to try and make ammends with the step brother who is graduating, then I'd do it another day that is not the one he's graduating on.

[rogue]

Oh my good gracious, I would never ever ever talk to him about our crap at his graduation. My bad if I kind of put that forward. I am generally a timid person who doesn't like to rock the boat by nature so I think that's part of the reason why I haven't ever said anything to him. He's four years older than I am (he's twenty-nine) and it's even harder for me to speak to someone who is senior to me about important issues. It's weird, but it's just how I am, I guess.

I am feeling very much the way you said, coffee. I really, really want to go. I do want to see this friend of mine (he and I have a long history and I haven't seen him in ages and I miss him a lot), and even though stepbrother and I do not get along (well, I try to get along, he won't have anything to do with it), I do want to be there for his big day. It's a lot to explain but to make a long story short, he is a classic underachiever and this is big deal - our entire family is going up to see him graduate and all my life I missed out on these events because I didn't grow up with my stepfamily. Part of me thinks that maybe just by being there he might finally understand that I'm not abhorable and that I do care about him? Does that make any sense? And then maybe we could try and be friends. I don't know, I get a lot of mixed messages from him. Like when I was living with my other stepbrother this summer (the one who I get along with), he (stepbrother I don't get along with) was also living there. He was telling everyone he could that he had no problem going to basic training, that it wasn't a big deal, that he wasn't worried about it, etc, but then the day before he left he gave me (me!) a huge hug and told me that he was really nervous. I mentioned this to his mother (my stepmother) and she made a big deal out of it because I was the only one that he said anything like that to. Everyone else thought he was fine going there. I was more shocked that he had hugged me because like I said, never talks to me, never looks at me. It's weird. Does anyone have anything to make out of that?

I also think that a lot of this is me trying to prove to myself that I can be the bigger person and that I can handle this kind of stress. I don't know if it's the best way to go about it but I also tend to psych myself out over nothing. I think it's definitely doable, I just need to keep my head on straight and my eyes open, but this is really confusing.

[coffeebean]

(((splendor)))

rogue, I can't tell you what the right answer is - but I have read your letters. I'm sorry about the family situation you find yourself in! (((rogue)))

Based on the information you provide in your post it sounds as though a trip with your family in this capacity, where you cannot really escape if you had to, does not sound healthy for you. It seems like most of the reason you want to go is to see your friend and it would probably be worth considering if it would be possible to make the trip yourself/pay the extra cost to avoid the uncomfortable family situation.

Additionally, it wasn't clear that you were going to do so, but it would also be important to consider whether approaching the longstanding issues with your brother would be appropriate to do at the time of his graduation?

I truly think that you have to do what is best and most healthy for you!

[rogue]

((((Splendor)))) Have you heard any more about your cousin? I hope she is doing better.

Well, I guess I've gone and decided something really stupid (I think). If any of you read the "letters" thread, you will know that I have issues with my father/stepfamily. My oldest stepbrother has finally decided to get his life on track and is graduating from basic training with the military this month. His graduation is on the nineteenth and I have decided that I am going to take the twelve hour trip up to Quebec to be there for it.

The thing is, I don't know if it's such a good idea, but I really, really want to go. I have a friend who lives in Montreal that I haven't seen in years and Montreal is only a half-hour drive outside the city where the graduation is being held so my father said he would drive me there for a bit to see my friend. I just am worried about the whole situation on the way up and back. I haven't spoken to my stepsister (who is coming on the trip) since her wedding, so I don't know how that is going to play out. And I don't want to speak to her. I'm so tired of her holding everything over my head and acting as if she is better than I am. My younger sister is coming too and she also hasn't spoken to me since the wedding, even though I have tried to contact her (text, email, etc), which I find very odd because she doesn't usually act like this.

The other thing that I am worried about is that my stepbrother hates me. I literally have never seen someone hate someone else so much. He makes a point not to talk to me or even look at me, and when he does it's not hard to tell that there is a horrible awkwardness in the air around us and that he is talking to me only because he absolutely has to. He has never acted like he even cares one lick about me and used to do things to get me in trouble on purpose as a kid, even though there was nothing at all in it for him. My other stepbrother whom I lived with after my breakup this summer is the total opposite; we actually behave like true brothers/sisters do. I just don't know how to deal with all this. I'm so tired of him hating me and I've always wanted to ask him about it but we have never had the opportunity to just sit and talk - mostly because he avoids me. I think he has a lot of issues stemming from how our parents got together (long story short, his mother and my father had an affair which ended their marriages and they are still together today), especially since he was a lot older than the rest of my stepsiblings and I when it happened and probably knows a lot more about what was going on than we do.

I guess, for the TL;DR crowd, how am I supposed to survive five days with someone who isn't speaking to me/who I don't want to speak to? Books? iPods? Would that seem rude? And any advice on how to make a stepfamily member actually realize that you aren't a horrible heinous bitch? This is so dumb, I hate my family.

[deschatsrouge]

((((Splendor))))

[anna k]

Oh God. (((splendor)))) I am so sorry that this sicko did this to her. I'm glad that she woke up, and I'm sending lots of love to her and your family.

[kittenb]

FYS - Oh my god! I am so happy to hear that she woke up. What a f-ing nightmare for your family.
Best wishes and warm healing vibes to you and yours.

[rogue]

((((Splendor)))

OMG, that's completely and utterly awful. Sending love and warm vibes to you and yours.

[culturehandy]

Foryoursplendor, how's your cousin doing?

sending ongoing vibes.

[foryoursplendor]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I heard she woke up for the first time yesterday. I really wish I could be there with her. I guess its just a waiting game now.

[ketto]

I'm so sorry, splendor. I read about it on your lj. That's totally fucked up. Hopefully they'll find the ex quickly. I hope you have lots of support right now.

[candycane_girl]

I am so sorry, foryoursplendor. I don't even know what to say.

[sevenseconds]

((((foryoursplendor, cousin, kids, family))))

Oh My God.
That hurts.
It hurts physically, knowing people do that, that this happens.
I'm so sorry, splendor, can't imagine what you must be feeling, can't even begin to try to imagine what it must be for her.

Was gonna post something here but it will wait.